34. Thirty-Four
”You fell!?” Eris croaks, slamming her wine glass down on the dinner table.
”Artax caught me – ”
Eris points a finger at Shaye, silencing her, before her eyes dart to find mine. ”And you let this happen?”
”You should know by now, Eris, I can”t control the woman, even if I wanted to.” It”s honestly all I can say. Shaye is more than capable of making her own decisions, it doesn”t mean I have to like them.
”You could have died,” Eris presses, her voice soft and nurturing when she refocuses on Shaye.
”I could have,” she agrees without hesitation, ”but I didn”t.”
”You are sounding too much like Nyx for my liking,” she huffs and Nyx laughs.
”You should have seen her out there,” I say, and everyone swivels to give me their undivided attention. I clear my throat, realizing I blurted that thought out loud, but carry on. ”She was made for this world of dragons and frost.”
”You weren”t scared watching her?” Nyx inserts himself into the conversation. I watched his face as Shaye recounted her first day of dragon training to the group during dinner and he was petrified. I know he”s come to care for the princess, their friendship is one I envy at times, but I know he was partially thinking of all the punishments and consequences he would face from our uncle if anything had happened to her.
I meet Shaye”s line of sight and bob my head. ”Of course, I was terrified watching you, but I was also mesmerized and couldn”t look away. I have no doubt in my mind that you and Seraxes will do wondrous things together.”
A brief pause hovers over the group as Shaye and I soak one another in. She seems slightly taken aback by my confession, but I”m done hiding my feelings. I want her to know how proud I am of her accomplishments and how much I admire and support her. It doesn”t matter if I”m scared. I won”t be the one holding her back, when I can lift her up.
”This wine is too fruity for me,” Ronan hisses and pushes his half-full glass away from him. ”I say we men go out for a real drink.”
”I”m in,” Nyx agrees without missing a beat.
”And what”s wrong with the wine here?” Finn”s eyebrow quirks upward and Ronan is quick to respond, ”We aren”t wine men. We”re meant to have a good beer and you can only get that at The Frosted Dagger.”
”You just want to see that barmaid you met last year,” Finn quips back, rolling his eyes. ”She probably doesn”t work there anymore.”
”Just say you hate fun, Finn,” Ronan smacks his cousin”s bicep.
”I don”t hate fun – ”
”Good!” Ronan interrupts, leaping to his feet. ”So, you”ll come with us. Atlas, are you coming?” Before I can answer, Ronan turns to Eris and Shaye, presses his hand to his chest and laments, ”I”m afraid it”s just us men tonight, ladies. I hope that is alright.”
The corner of my mouth ticks upward when his sarcastic tone is met by Shaye crinkling her nose in disgust.
”You boys have your fun at The Frosted Dagger,” Shaye pushes her chair from the table and stands. ”Eris and I have been dying to visit the castle library. I hear it has a glass roof.”
Eris follows suit, downing the rest of her red wine before hopping up. ”That sounds like a perfect night to me,” she smiles at Shaye before daring a glance back toward Finn, who is already watching her. ”Have fun.”
And with that, the girls are off on an adventure of their own, and if I had the guts, I would ditch the boys and follow Shaye wherever she went. Instead, I give her space, and go with my brothers and cousin to The Frosted Dagger. It”s the exact opposite of Prue”s. Where Prue”s is cozy and familiar with scuffed floors and old-world charm, The Frosted Dagger is pristine and polished with a glass bar and glistening white floors. The dome ceiling is made of glass and the blue and white accents around the bar make me feel as if I haven”t left Stelara.
Ronan is happier than a caged dog finally set loose to be out and about the city. He”s been in endless meetings since we”ve arrived and all he”s done the past two days is whine about not having any fun on our trip. In the bar, he comes back to life. He marches over to the counter and flashes his best smile at the barmaid, who he had indeed met last year, and orders a round of drinks for us. Since we”re royalty, the hostess finds a desirable booth toward the back of the tavern to give us privacy, and for once, I am grateful for the preferential treatment. I have no interest in conversing with anyone and have zero intention of wasting my time exchanging pleasantries or flirtations with Frost Elf females. There”s only one woman on my mind tonight.
”So,” Ronan clicks his teeth, looking at me over the lip of his stein. ”Are you going to tell us what happened between you and Shaye at the cabin?”
”Nothing to tell.” I recline, nursing my beer.
Nyx and Finn both scoff and Ronan straight up laughs.
”You can”t possibly expect us to believe nothing happened between you two,” Ronan presses.
”It definitely smelled like sex in there,” Nyx chimes in and I flash him a narrow-eyed glare. ”Oh, please,” Nyx waves a dismissive hand. ”That look doesn”t work on me anymore, Atlas. I”m not six and scared of you.”
”Pity,” I hiss. ”Maybe I should kick your ass like I used to and put a little reverential fear back in you.”
He leans forward, mischief gleaming in his eyes. ”Name the time and place, Brother.”
”You”re both idiots,” Finn shakes his head, sipping his Barley Tea with a sigh.
”Whatever happened between me and Shaye stays between us,” I growl, my eyes never leaving Nyx”s. ”And why the sudden interest?”
The thought that perhaps my brother is interested in her sets off something primal deep within me. There is no denying they have built a solid friendship and up until recently, have spent most of their time together. If I have to fist fight him in the snow outside the bar to stake my claim, I will.
”You”ve never been like this with a woman,” Nyx says, resettling in his seat. ”Some of us might have bet quite a bit of money that you two would get together before returning to Tronovia.”
Ronan smacks Nyx against the arm and my eyes widen in surprise. ”What?”
”Nothing,” Ronan says, glaring at my youngest brother. Now, I really want some answers.
”Explain,” I demand of Nyx, who hasn”t quit cackling since Ronan got his feathers ruffled.
”It”s nothing,” Ronan tries again, but Nyx waves him off.
”After we saw you two together in the cabin, Ronan and I placed a friendly wager.”
”What kind of wager?” Finn”s eyebrow ticks upward, now interested in the conversation.
”Nyx!” Ronan practically yells, but in true Nyx fashion, he ignores his pleas.
”When you two would get together.”
”Wait,” I scoff, trying and failing not to laugh. ”You two are betting if Shaye and I end up together?”
”Correction,” Nyx puts up a finger. ”We were both betting in favor of you being together. I bet you two would be together before we left Elowen, and Ronan said you two were far too stubborn and bet you”d sleep together once we got back to Tronovia. So, when you think about it, we”re both very supportive of this relationship.”
Ronan groans, rubbing his hand up and down his face. ”Bets are supposed to be private, Nyx.”
Nyx chugs the rest of his beer and slams his mug down when it”s empty, not caring about the glass tabletop. ”It”s not like Atlas cares. Either way, he and Shaye are going to be together.”
By my silence, three sets of eyes fly in my direction. ”What?”
”You and Shaye are going to be together, right?” Nyx asks and sounds almost childlike.
I shrug. ”That”s entirely up to her.”
”What”s that supposed to mean?” Ronan crinkles his nose. ”Everyone can sense the attraction between you. It”s almost sickening. Why wouldn”t you two be together?”
That”s a very good question and one I don”t have an answer for. In my dreams, Shaye is mine, but when I wake the next morning, I”m alone. If it were up to me, she”d already have a ring on her finger, but it”s not my choice. It”s entirely up to her. She”s been through so much and is just now experiencing freedom. Part of me wants to be selfish and persuade her to stay in Tronovia with me, but in my heart, I know she needs to be the one to tell me what she wants. She was forced into an arranged engagement from birth without her consent and I don”t want her feeling obligated to be with me because of a magical bond we share. I want her to want me – all the good, bad and unholy traits and thoughts I possess.
”Atlas?” Nyx snaps his fingers in front of my face. ”You still with us?”
I nod and clear my throat. They”re all staring at me as if I”ve lost my mind. ”I”ll level with you, boys,” I lean forward and down the rest of my beer. ”I”m in love with that woman, and if she asked it of me, I would walk through the very gates of the underworld with her. But I can”t and won”t persuade her to have me.”
”So, you”re not going to make your intentions or feelings about her known?” Ronan looks confused.
”She knows how I feel about her.” Images of her writhing on my fingers, slipping her tongue inside my mouth, moaning my name, flash in my mind and I shake those thoughts free. ”I”ve made it very clear that I have feelings for her, but I”ve also told her that I won”t force her hand. If she wants me, she will need to say that. I want more than just one night.”
”You”re a better man than I am,” Nyx says plainly.
”Well, I for one, don”t intend on going back to an empty bed tonight,” Ronan grunts and changes the topic when the silence stretches too long for his liking. ”There are beautiful women in this city, and I intend to have one warm me all night.”
”I second that,” Nyx slaps his hands against his thighs. ”Finn, you in?”
Finn and I exchange a brief, knowing look before he shakes his head and brings his cup to his lips. ”You two go on without me.”
Ronan and Nyx waste no time skittering off toward the bar where a group of stunning Frost Elf women giggle and wave for them to join their party.
My attention abandons the boys the second they are out of earshot, and I refocus on Finn. He doesn”t drink anymore and rarely frequents bars. Apart from tonight, it”s been a couple of years since he”s had a sip of ale, and even now, he stays on the sober path. No one makes fun of him anymore for ordering Barley Tea at a tavern, because it”s become his drink of choice when out socializing. It”s non-alcoholic and scratches the itch of wanting the ale taste without the effects.
Two years ago, I found him throwing glass bottles against the side of our rowhouse around midnight. When I went outside and asked what he was doing, he turned to me, and the distraught and hopeless gleam in his eyes still haunts me to this day. I knew something was horribly wrong when he crumbled to the street forcing me to grab ahold his shoulders to keep him from slamming his head against the sidewalk. His eyes were hazy, and his breath wreaked of alcohol. I hadn”t seen him this upset since our school days, and he”d lost control of his magic.
”What is it, Finn?” I smacked his cheek gently to keep him awake. ”What happened?”
”Have you ever loved someone so much that it physically pained you?” He asked, and it was then I noticed his face was stained with dried tears.
I remember wracking my brain, trying to figure out what could have possibly set him off, when I realized he”d been spending quite a bit of time with Eris and whispered, ”Is this about Eris?”
”She consumes my thoughts, Atlas. Every morning, I wake up and wish she was lying next to me, but then I wake up and I”m reminded that I”m alone. So utterly alone it”s laughable.”
”Hey,” I pat his face three times to draw his gaze. ”Listen to me, Finn – ”
”And here I am, drunk on the side of the road, restraining myself from walking inside my own home because it hurts too much,” he interrupted me, leaning his head against the brick facade of our house.
”Finn,” I said gently, ”tell her how you feel. Why torment yourself?”
”You know why.”
”No, I don”t,” I glanced up and down the street to ensure we were still alone. ”Tell me what”s going on.”
”If I tell her how I feel, she will feel obligated to reciprocate those feelings, so she doesn”t lose her new home,” he explained quickly, slurring a few words. ”I can”t do that to her. She”s safe here. I can”t … I can”t…”
When his bottom lip quivered, I pulled him to my chest and slipped his arm over my shoulder to hoist him off the ground. ”Let”s get you in bed. We can talk about this in the morning.”
”I hope you never feel this kind of pain,” he mumbled as I carried him to our front door. ”To have the woman who finally jumpstarts your heart so close, but just out of reach. To love her with such certainty but have to restrain yourself from confessing your admiration or fight from slipping your hand in hers.”
”Why punish yourself, Finn?” I asked as I pushed our door open and headed for the staircase, bearing most of his dead weight.
”She deserves freedom, Atlas. She”s been oppressed and abused all her life. How can I tell her how I feel knowing she is used to pleasing everyone around her above her own desires?” He shook his head. ”I can”t do it.”
It was a struggle to get him to his room on the fourth floor, but I managed to lay him on his bed and cover him with his quilt. ”Rest, Brother. We can talk about this tomorrow once you sleep off the beer.”
”Atlas,” he said softly, forcing me to stop in the threshold and turn back to look at him.
”Yes, Finn?”
”Please don”t tell anyone about this,” he pleaded with tears in his eyes. ”I don”t want to ruin what I have with Eris.”
”Your secret is safe with me, Brother.”
And I have kept my promise these past two years. I haven”t breathed a word of that night to anyone, and even Finn and I never spoke of it again. What happens between him and Eris is their business, but now I know a fraction of the pain he feels. I understand the agony of Shaye being within physical reach, yet still outside my grasp. I keep reminding myself that if nothing else, we will always have that night in the cabin, but that doesn”t satisfy me. I want more than just one night in the cabin. I want a lifetime with her, however long or short that may be.
Finn finishes his drink and clears his throat, drawing my attention. ”I hope for your sake that she chooses you,” his watery eyes meet mine and I nod in understanding.
I hope she chooses me, too.