Chapter 4 #2
“Good. Now, I’m going to count and you’re going to breathe in for four.” He was firm as I shook my head. “Do it. One. Two. Three. Four.”
I struggled to follow his instructions but the breath I managed was deeper than any I’d taken in minutes.
“Now breathe out for four. Slowly. One. Two. Three. Four.”
My body obeyed his commands.
“Good. Again.” He stood with me, counting as I breathed, until my pulse stopped racing and I was steady on my feet. “There you go.”
I looked into his face and my lips parted. The noise from the party faded until I could only hear my breath and the blood rushing in my ears. “It’s you.”
The man from my vision had his hands on my arms, brushing small soothing circles on my bare skin with his thumbs.
He looked exactly as I remembered. Brown eyes with gold flecks that swirled through his irises, regarded me steadily.
Almost a head taller than me, his dark curly hair was short and perfectly tousled, while his beard was neatly trimmed and his sleeveless tunic showcased his broad shoulders and muscled arms. I was momentarily mesmerized by the way they minutely flexed as his fingers moved.
This close they looked even larger than they had before.
He looked like he had the kind of strength to hold anything. Even me.
Something stirred in my chest, along with hope and dread.
I’d never had a vision where someone didn’t die before, and I didn’t understand what it meant that I’d seen him.
Were we connected somehow? Now that he was standing in front of me, I could ask him.
My fear of him responding in anger because of the pain he’d felt faded as he smiled, eyebrows raised as if waiting for me to elaborate.
I searched his gaze, looking for a spark of recognition, but there wasn’t one. My stomach sank. He had no idea who I was or what I was talking about. My vision must have been one-sided, which left me more confused than ever.
My face heated. “Sorry. You look like someone I used to know,” I lied. “I got disoriented with the panic and all. Thank you for your help.” If he hadn’t seen what I saw, I wasn’t going to tell him about it. Visions were never a good thing, even here.
“My pleasure. I’m glad you’re okay.” He let me go and I had to stop myself from swaying forward, chasing his warmth.
Instead, I nodded. “The party. It’s a lot.”
He nodded. “I can relate. They’re not my thing.”
“Not mine either.” The tension in my shoulders eased. “Not a fan of castle colors?” He was wearing all black, so I couldn’t tell which castle he belonged to.
“Black makes it easier to blend in up here, so I can avoid all of that.” He gestured at a group of Tempters below.
“The party or the Tempters?”
“Both.”
“So, you’re a Judge?”
“I judge souls, yes.” He looked amused and my shoulders relaxed further.
“I’ll have to remember the all-black trick for next time.”
The smile he gave me made my stomach flutter in a way it hadn’t since Colt.
I dropped my gaze as the butterflies turned to lead. Nothing good came from that feeling. Needing space, I walked to the balcony railing to consider my next move. The party looked just as wild from up here as it had in the middle of it.
“Something besides the party is troubling you.” The man in black joined me at the railing but stood a respectful distance away.
“Is it that obvious?”
“Yes.”
I huffed a laugh at his frankness. “I don’t understand how people can lose themselves like this,” I nodded to the crowd below, “after what we’ve been through. What we’re here to do.”
“Some seek the oblivion of pleasure because they can’t face it yet. There’s no shame in that.”
“Maybe because they have nothing to be ashamed of.” My words were quiet enough I didn’t think he’d hear me, but he did.
“And you do?” His expression turned incredulous, almost fierce.
“You have no idea.”
“Try me.”
“Are you suggesting I confess my sins to you? I don’t even know you.” I scoffed, even as a lump formed in my throat.
“I’m Fenmore, but my friends call me Fen.” He offered me his hand.
I stared at him for a moment. All I knew about him was that he was a Judge who hated crowds, but I wanted to trust him, and that was unnerving.
The last time I’d trusted a man, I’d ended up with a broken heart and a dead family.
“You just want me to tell you my dirty secrets,” I managed finally. The words came out in a whisper.
“Or maybe I want to make you feel better, if you’ll let me.”
The sincerity in his eyes made me take his hand. That and the fact that he could find out who I was without my telling him.
“I’m Maeve.” His hand dwarfed mine, making me feel almost dainty.
“Maeve.”
I shivered at the sound of my name on his tongue, and I felt a faint tug in my chest as if something was pulling me towards him as he released me.
“I find giving voice to what bothers you reduces its power,” he said when I remained silent. “It’s almost never as bad as you think.”
I gave him a skeptical look.
“Trust me. I’ve seen it all. Holding it in is always worse than saying it out loud.”
I couldn’t deny that it weighed on me. Maybe that was why I was so tempted to share my deepest, darkest secret with this man.
I was so tired of carrying it, even if I deserved it.
It was so heavy. More than that, I felt connected to him because of the vision, and something I couldn’t put my finger on told me I could trust him.
It wasn’t rational, just a certainty that came from my heart.
Besides, he was a Judge. For all I knew, he would watch the evaluation tomorrow. My secret wouldn’t stay that way for long.
“I have to weigh my soul tomorrow.” My voice was thick.
“And that bothers you. Why?”
“I killed my family.” The words hung between us. I braced for his revulsion, but he just looked at me, intent and serious.
“On purpose?”
My mouth hung open for a moment. “No. That’s—that’s not the point.”
“What is the point?”
“I had a… condition most of my life that made it very difficult to be around people.” I didn’t feel like talking about my curse.
“My family was everything to me. They were all I had. And they’re dead because of me.
Because I had no control.” I turned back to the railing to blink away the burn of tears.
Fen didn’t say anything. He just watched me, as if waiting for the rest.
“I was arrested for their murder. I thought I would be executed. Instead, they gave me a choice. Prison or the convent. I should have chosen prison, it’s what I deserved. But I wanted—” My throat tightened, making it impossible to speak until I swallowed. “I wanted to redeem myself.”
“That doesn’t sound like a bad thing.”
“I don’t deserve to want. I don’t deserve any of this.
I deserve to be punished, not to be at an orgy.
” I waved my hand at the crowd below. “And tomorrow I have to sentence myself, to admit what should have happened to me. I’ll finally get what I deserve, I suppose.
” I drew a thin breath as guilt cinched around my chest like an iron band.
“You’re not the only one here who has killed someone.”
My eyes flashed back to Fen. “You?”
“I was responsible for the death of too many before I came here.” The guilt and sorrow in his expression were muted but there, like he still carried the weight of them. He’d just grown used to it.
“Why did you come here?”
“Like you, I wanted to help souls. Wanting to make the World of the Living a better place isn’t reserved for the pure of heart.
You’ll learn to judge others by judging yourself, by facing your past without the luxury of forgetting it when you’re reborn into a new life.
You’ll carry it with you for the rest of your existence.
It’s not an easy way out. Trust me.” His expression darkened.
The tightness in my chest eased. I hadn’t thought of it that way, but he was right.
“It’s okay to want, Maeve. And not just redemption.” His eyes flared with heat, and something flipped in my stomach. “It’s what makes you human.”
I swallowed again, wanting to believe him, but unsure I could. “I don’t suppose the Devil wants my soul at this point anyway.” I gave him a small smile, expecting a chuckle from him, but he frowned instead. In fact, he looked almost offended.
“No. The Devil would want you to enjoy yourself. Isn’t there anything you want, aside from redemption?”
My gaze snagged on a couple kissing below, a man and woman. The way he leaned over her, pinning her against the wall. The way she reacted when his hand slipped below the high slit of her dress to grab her ass, pulling her closer. My face heated and my pulse raced.
“It looks like there’s something over there you want.” Fen’s voice was like velvet sin. He was watching me, but I couldn’t focus on anything except his mouth. “Or maybe, you want something right here.”