Chapter 28 #2
His lips quirked up in a small smile. “My father was only interested in one thing—power. He went about getting it by accruing favors from people, but it wasn’t enough. He decided I would join the Order of Shadows to get access to people’s secrets.”
My eyebrows shot up. In the World of the Living, it was rumored that the Order of Shadows used secrets as leverage to corrupt people, that they’d extort them from people.
“Yes,” he said, “even back then people believed the lies about the Order of Shadows, that they traded secrets for favors. My father pulled every string he had to get me in.”
It no longer surprised me that what I thought I knew about the Order of Shadows was wrong, but I wondered where the rumors came from. “So what’s the truth? Does the Order not trade in secrets?”
“Trade? No. But they do hear confessions, things people want to unburden themselves of. They’re held by a special group within the Order, the Sin Eaters, who guard them closely and take them to their grave.”
How different the truth was from reality. The reputation of the Order of Shadows was such that no one would believe such a thing.
“So did you steal secrets for your father?”
“No. The Order knew what he was up to. They had to admit me, but they didn’t have to give me access to the Sin Eaters.
I was only ever assigned to day-to-day operations—cooking and cleaning.
They kept me isolated and under constant watch.
Imagine my father’s disappointment when he realized I was treated like a servant and nothing I did could change that. ” He smiled fondly.
“You didn’t hate it?”
“Not the Order. The work was hard, but it was honest and straightforward, with no hidden agendas. I hated my father and his plans, how much he was willing to risk in order to get what he wanted. I was expendable, as far as he was concerned. A pawn. Nothing more. My siblings and I were raised to put the family’s interest above all others.
To trust no one but my father. Not even each other. ”
“So how did you end up here?”
“After three years my father decided the Order was a lost cause. He arranged a marriage for me, an alliance with another family. One that had come by their fortune less than honestly. He told me to resign. The day I did, the man I worked under at the Order asked me what I really wanted, if I wanted the marriage or something else. He told me about the In Between, the Devil and his Tempters. Offered me a way out. I took it.” His eyes darkened with the memory.
His story wasn’t entirely surprising. Deciding to come to the In Between was not straightforward. There were generally two kinds of people who did—those who were running from something, like Titus, and those who felt called to it, like Bea. I guessed I sort of fell into both categories.
“Were you glad you came?” I asked.
“Not exactly. It’s hard to trust anyone when you’ve been raised to see the world as hostile.
I couldn’t stop questioning the motives of people around me.
Even though I liked the work, I had trouble connecting with the souls in our care.
You can’t help someone face their past until you’ve faced at least some of your own.
” He grabbed a bottle of oil, poured some into the bowl with the remaining herbs, and started to stir.
“So what changed?”
He chuckled. “Marcus. I took longer than anyone else to pass my trainee qualifications. Unlike Death’s castle, there’s no time limit here.
You can take as long as you need, but several years had gone by and I still couldn’t open up enough to pass.
Everyone had given up on me. Even Daphne, who gives everyone all the chances they need. Everyone but Marcus.”
“He talked you round?”
“No. He didn’t talk. He just stood with me through every training exercise, watching.”
I smiled. Marcus did the same thing when I trained with him.
“It was creepy at first. I expected judgment. Not being able to tell what he was thinking bothered the shit out of me. But he had infinite patience. No matter what mood I was in, how badly I failed, he was always there.” His smile was soft, almost tender.
“After a while I got used to him. And then I started to talk to fill the silence. Pretty soon I was spilling my guts, and I started to improve. Then I passed and we started working together.” Titus picked up what looked like a lemon, cut it, and squeezed it over the bowl.
“Is that when you became lovers?” I’d seen the camaraderie between them, but I had trouble picturing them together in that way. They were so different.
“No. It was years before Marcus opened up to me in return. Once that happened, we got together and then he brought me into Fen’s inner circle.
” He met my gaze. “Trust isn’t established overnight.
It’s earned. Everyone has secrets, parts of ourselves we would rather keep private.
Some might call those lies. Others would call it self preservation.
“We all felt responsible when Talia left, Fen more than any of us. You can call out his shitty behavior, he deserves it, but also know that Talia is a sore subject for good reason.” He turned to the oven to check on the Minnog.
In other words, I should talk to Fen and give him the benefit of the doubt.
I swallowed. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to.
I hated that he’d slept with Talia, and how he’d handled telling me, but I understood how shame could make you do things like pretend nothing was wrong when something clearly was.
It was that I wasn’t sure that I could handle not knowing.
There was no guarantee he would tell me what actually happened between him and Talia, or why he’d acted as if it wasn’t a big deal when I knew he was afraid of me finding out.
If he didn’t want to talk about it, I had to respect that, and I didn’t know if I could.
I didn’t think I would ever be able to deal with not knowing.
My mind always jumped to the worst conclusion.
I wanted to be someone Fen could confide in, for us to be true partners, but I didn’t know if that was possible.
Titus grabbed a couple of plates and transferred a Minnog to each one. The potato mixture was a golden color now. He topped them with a dollop of cream and a drizzle of the herb oil. Then he slid one of the plates over to me with a fork. “This was how our cook used to make them. What do you think?”
My fork sliced through the potatoes easily, the crisp outside breaking with a soft crunch.
I scooped up some of the cream and herb oil, blew on it so I wouldn’t burn my tongue, and then slipped it in my mouth.
The cream was a little sour and combined well with the citrus of the herbs, which offset the sweet and cheesy taste of the potatoes.
I brought a hand to my mouth as I swallowed.
“They’re perfect. Not that different from the ones my mother made. ”
Titus beamed at me before taking a bite of his own.
“Why’d you decide to make them?”
“A nod to your past in honor of your first trial.” He saluted me with his fork. “I thought it was fitting, and that a taste of home might bring you comfort.”
I’d never thought about my past as comforting. How could I when it did nothing but haunt me?
Trust what has been. Maybe that was the key to letting it go.
Maybe that would give me the perspective to accept what had happened with Fen.
To be the person who could be the next Death, the partner that Fen needed.
I took another bite of Titus’s potatoes, my resolve hardening.
I didn’t want to wait. I was ready to take on the first trial.