44. Beast
Chapter Forty-Four
BEAST
“In conclusion, Praise, I want to ask you, have you been working on trying to merge your personalities still? I ask this because I can tell each time you come in for your visits, Beast has been in control. We already came into agreement that Beast is your main personality. However, his name is Praise, which is your government name. This can cause a conflict with the process. I also want you to keep in mind that with your condition, merging all personalities can or cannot happen. I don’t want you to feel discouraged if you cannot master this.
” Ms. Scott pulled her glasses up her pointy ass nose.
She picked up her cup of coffee and took a sip.
I had been very short and straight to the point with her during most of our session.
Michael still was on my mind, and I hated it.
I had yet to accept that he was really gone and never coming back.
I had already accepted my fate. I was forever going to be at a doctor’s office, getting new medicines and new dosages for my different conditions.
I didn’t want to live my life constantly weighed down about Michael, though.
So, I changed the subject bluntly. Deep down, I knew it was a fifty percent chance that I would never be able to merge all of me together.
I was fine with that, as long as I had good control over myself for my kids, and Kayori was all that mattered to me.
“I wanted to kill my brother. I wanted him dead for some shit he had done to me… He died from an overdose a couple of weeks ago. I feel fucked up, Ms. Scott. I feel fucked up for feeling fucked up like I shouldn’t feel fucked up because he did some foul shit, so it’s his karma.
Do you think that’s normal, or it’s my mental illness and all these different diagnoses I got? ”
The subject change was needed because our time was nearing an end, but I needed to get this off my chest. Lately, I have been finding myself deep and lost in my own thoughts since I found Michael dead.
His funeral was a blur, and my mom still didn’t speak to me or Kayori.
I tried to give Leandra the space she needed, but it was eating me up inside that she blamed me.
It’s like I needed her to talk to me. I didn’t want to be the blame, and I worried about her health.
Normally, I wouldn’t give a fuck, but this could be a long-term issue, and I still loved my mom.
“No, it’s normal… it’s just guilt, Praise. Guilt because you didn’t make peace with him before he died. Allow yourself to mourn, but don’t wallow in it. As tough as you are, you’re still an overthinker. I know this because every visit, you ask me something regarding Kayori.”
Nodding my head, I rubbed the bottom of my chin hairs that Kayori said looked sexy on me. It made me feel a lil better that it was normal to feel how I felt. A lot of times, especially now, I questioned my own damn thoughts, wondering if it was normal, reality, or just me being crazy-ass Beast.
“You think Kayori will leave me?” I don’t know what made me ask that, yet I asked it at every appointment.
Since she brought it up like she was inside my mind, I went ahead and asked.
I knew Kayori loved me, but I also knew people grew tired of folks like me.
I asked Ms. Scott because I paid her well.
I didn’t want to keep asking Kayori the same shit and making her question her own love for me.
I always tried to push that question out of my head, but it was hard.
She left for six months and stayed away from me like I didn’t mean shit to her, so it still fucked with me even though I got her back.
“I don’t think Kayori will leave you, Praise.
As long as you keep showing her that you’re willing to understand your own mental illness, keep getting help and expressing how you feel.
It’s good that you think about her and how she feels.
I also want you to think about yourself as well.
” She gave me a reassuring smile as she jotted notes down on her notepad.
“Let me ask you this, Mr. Brownston… Do you think Kayori is scared of you? Like when you have episodes, talking to yourself, and those aggressive dreams you have from time to time?”
My chest got tight as I murmured, “I don’t have those dreams no more, Ms. Scott. I would never hurt her.”
“I believe you, but do you think she believes that you will never hurt her?”
This is the part I hated. Questions like this put me on edge because I didn’t really know the answer. I thought of the answer and wanted that to be Kayori’s answer too, but it would only be fair if I asked her.
“I don’t know,” I answered curtly this time.
“No need to get upset; this is to help you. Praise, I want you to be able to answer this question when we have our next visit together. Right now, our time has run out, and I have another client to tend to.” She faked looked at her wrist to check the time as I stood to my feet.
“I want you to practice on the new exercises I gave you. I also want you to keep working hard at merging those personalities. If you can’t, it’s okay.
Praise, a lot of people with so many different disorders can’t master that either.
That doesn’t mean that you’re not heading in the right direction of understanding yourself. ”
Nodding my head, I reached out to shake her hand and thank her for her time.
This session helped me out and kept my mind from working overtime.
Kayori was my medicine, but at the same time, I didn’t want to keep burdening her.
I wanted our shit to stay healthy and less toxic.
I didn’t want to stress her with my shit.
She did good at being there for me, but I didn’t want her to feel like she had to tend to me like a child.
I had been planning something super sweet and big for her.
I still didn’t give her a push gift for Matthew, and I was well overdue to get in between her juicy ass thighs.
I had my team going through a list of nannies.
We needed one now. Kayori wanted to get back focused on her own craft and back to work.
I knew Stone, and I had a lot of business ventures to tend to as well.
Plus, our alone time was limited. The house I closed on for our family was super big and would need a full staff to help.
Approaching Kayori's condo, I heard loud laughing and music.
My brows went up in curiosity on what the hell this woman had up her sleeves.
Pulling my keys out, I started to place the key in the door.
I turned around, feeling someone's presence.
It was the young nigga, Carlos. From his appearance, I could tell he was getting money.
He reminded me of Teflon when he first started seeing real money.
Super flashy and too obvious, these new young niggas were reckless and dumb as fuck with their momma's breast milk still on their breath.
"When you walk up on me, make ya self be known, lil nigga.
" I tapped the front of my jeans and felt my strap, crossing my arms. I stared at him for a while, trying to figure out what the fuck he wanted.
I was anxious to get inside the house to see what Kayori was doing.
I heard a couple of laughs and wanted to know who all she had inside.
“Shake what ‘cha got in them jeans! Girl, grab the wall and shake it like a dog!”
They were playing some old-ass music by Master P. I could hear them hyping each other up. I knew for a fact Kayori wasn't getting loose with my kids watching.
"I just wanted to rap with you, OG, about Kayori,” he tried to speak lowly, but I heard him clearly. My jaw tightened as I glared at him, and I started to see red. I didn't like the sound of my woman's name coming out of his mouth.
I gave him a tight smile and chuckled a bit. Never blinking, I kept my eyes on his even though his eyes were everywhere but looking me back in the eyes. I saw no challenge with this nigga, but I was gon’ teach him his first lesson.
"You ain't got no rap for me about my woman.
Don't ever in your life...” I paused to gain control of my temper.
“If you love your life, don’t ever approach me about my woman, lil nigga.
" I kept the same look on my face just to let him know just how serious I was.
Throwing his hands up in surrender, he smiled back at me.
"My apologies, OG. I just know she a good ass woman and-" Holding my hand up, I shook my head no at him.
"Don't say shit else. I know you want Juicy.” I wasn’t the one to bullshit or beat around the bush with no nigga.
“If it was the other way around like, me being you, I wouldn’t even have to approach no nigga about his woman.
‘Cause if I really wanted her, I would get her, and no nigga alive could stop me. That’s just me.
I get whatever it is I want. I'm that nigga.
That woman in there, though, is all mine, so if you ever try it...
pick ya casket." I dropped the convo and turned my back to him, dismissing his dumb ass.
Today was his lucky day. If I was beasting real hard, he would've been dead.
It's just some things you don't approach a man about.
Opening up the door, I was met by the smell of candles burning and a slight smell of wine. Meshalay and Carlos’s sister, Icella, were in the middle of the living room with their wine glasses high in the air, dancing and laughing, not even paying attention to me entering the house.
“Shake whatcha got in them jeans! From the front to the back, girl, you know what I mean!”
Kayori placed both hands on Meshalay's shoulders and leaned forward, and started throwing that juicy ass booty.
She had on boy shorts, so each time she moved her hips and arched her back, her ass cheeks slipped out the bottom.
I stood at the door smiling and even laughing lowly as I watched my baby in her element.
Seeing her relaxed and happy made a nigga feel good.
She had a huge smile on her face, and she was showing skin, causing me to readjust my dick.
Her brown skin was still glowing. Kayori was just fine as fuck to me.
Those scars on her face heighten her sex appeal majorly for me.
I loved all of her, down to the big pudge in her stomach and the stretch marks that floated down the sides of her thick ass, thighs, and arms. My baby was really a big beautiful woman, and there was no denying that at all.
Her eyes landed on me as I winked at her.
I knew soon as she saw me that pussy was gon’ start leaking.
Nodding my head at her friends, I made my way down the hall to see where my kids were.
I was a cocky ass nigga; I knew for a fact Juicy was ready and overdue for some dick.
It wouldn't be long before she put them out.
Once I noticed my kids were gone, that made me feel even happier.
Them being gone meant Leandra called for them.
I decided to shower and get myself clean.
I was ready to put another baby deep inside of Juicy.