16. Chase Your Joy
Chase Your Joy
Liam
Iscratched my arm as we pushed through the trees. “These damned biting flies are going to make me insane.”
Cerise slapped the back of her neck. “Then I shall be insane with you.”
We stepped over a moss-covered log, heading in the direction we came from after the flood.
At least, I was pretty sure that’s where we were headed.
Two brilliant academics with meager survival skills lost in the rainforest…
whatever could go wrong? It couldn’t be worse than what we had already experienced—a spider bite, a protective big cat, a fucking flash flood.
We kept on. It was our only idea to try and get back to the team who was probably searching for us. Perhaps they’d contacted the authorities, a search and rescue already under way. Maybe we should have stayed put and waited for them to locate us, but we were both antsy, ready to do something.
So now, after a couple of days of rest, we were trudging through the thick underbrush, being devoured by insects.
I scanned the jungle, keeping my eyes peeled for wildlife or anything treacherous.
The trees loomed above us, sunlight filtering through the emerald canopy painting the understory with warm beams of light.
Monkeys screamed in the distant trees, a toucan called in the boughs, insects buzzed in the bushes.
“Stop,” Cerise grabbed my arm and pointed skyward.
I looked to where she’d gestured. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
“Aspow flowers.”
“I don’t know what that means. I’m not well-versed in plant life.”
“It means we can stop these insects from feasting on our flesh.”
“Excellent.” I dropped my pack. “I’ll kneel and you climb on my back.”
“What?”
“Well, we can’t reach them. But if I put you on my shoulders, we can.”
Hands on her hips, Cerise frowned. “You mean to tell me you want me to climb on your shoulders?”
“That’s literally what I just said. Scared?”
“No…I just don’t want to fall.”
Several pieces of hair had come loose from her braid and I reached out and tucked one behind her ear, unable to stop the compulsion. “I’ll try not to drop you, sunshine.”
“You’ll try not to drop me? I’m not sure I appreciate your lack of confidence.”
I knelt, trying to hide my amusement. “Well? Climb on.”
“Oh, fine. Make sure you try very hard to keep me from falling.”
Using a nearby tree for balance, she settled herself atop my shoulders.
I gripped her thighs and stood. “No promises.”
Her hands clutched my hair with a tight grip. “Liam.”
“Ouch. Stop pulling my hair.”
“I’m trying not to fall!”
“All right, all right. All jokes aside, I won’t drop you. Now grab some of those flowers.”
I could barely hold her still as she reached above us, collecting the yellow blooms. She wasn’t heavy, but so tall it was throwing me off balance and causing me to sway. “Hurry, please.”
“You just said you wouldn’t drop me!” She gasped.
“Well, I might have been wrong,” I teased, pinching her thigh.
She let out a startled yelp. “Liam!”
“Are you almost finished? Because next time, I won’t be pinching you. I’ll use my teeth.”
“You cad!” she scoffed, covering her laugh.
But I was being honest. I wanted to bite the flesh of those silken thighs. To lick and kiss the soft skin at the inside of her knee, leaving a trail of heat as I made my way higher to taste her.
“All right, I’ve got enough,” Cerise called, jolting me from my fantasy.
I knelt and let her climb off. Her face was flushed and she took a step back, straightening her shirt with one hand, the flowers gripped in her other.
I held out my hand. “So what are we doing with these?”
“Rubbing them on our skin. They emit powerful semiochemicals that protect them from predators. It will deter these biting insects.”
“Brilliant.”
She gave me a few flowers and we sat on a log. Following her lead, I crushed them between my palms and rubbed them on my arm.
“How much farther do you think we’ll go today?” she asked, smearing some of the flowers on her chest. My eyes followed the motion and I couldn’t help but lick my lips. “Well? Liam? Are you listening?”
My eyes flicked to hers. “Apologies. I was distracted.”
She raised an eyebrow. “By?”
“Are you sure you want to know?”
“Of course. I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t.”
I glanced down at the movement again, then tilted my head. “By the beautiful woman wiping flowers on her chest.”
Her cheeks turned the most precious shade of pink. “Oh. I—um…” She turned away, pulling her shirt tighter, and shifted uncomfortably.
What the fuck?
“Cerise,” I said softly. “What’s this about?”
She wouldn’t look at me, remaining silent.
“Sunshine?”
“You shouldn’t call me that,” she whispered.
Okay. What’s happening? Why did she suddenly clam up?
I gently reached out and took her chin in my fingers, turning her to face me. “What’s going on? Did I say something to upset you?”
She stayed quiet for a moment. Her violet eyes held so many emotions, I could hardly guess what was going on in that brilliant mind of hers. Reluctance. Nervousness. But something else swirled in the depth of her gaze. Something almost like…disbelief.
Her shoulders slumped. “No one’s ever called me beautiful before…” she whispered.
I straightened, letting go of her face. “What? Never?”
She shook her head, looking at the flower in her hand as she twirled it around.
I found it hard to believe no one had said that to her. Because she was beautiful. Stunning. Captivating. How was that possible?
“Explain.”
“Let me rephrase,” she said. “No one’s ever said it like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like they meant it…”
My eyes never left her face. “I’m not sure I understand what you’re saying.”
She inhaled deeply, blowing out a breath. “The only time I’ve ever been called beautiful, it felt like whoever was doing it had ulterior motives. Like they were just saying it to get with me. Sure, men have told me I’m beautiful, but it always felt…calculated.”
“And I said it differently?” I asked.
“When you said it, it sounded so…genuine.”
“It was, Cerise. You are beautiful. And I don’t just mean how you look.”
I wanted to blurt out more. Wanted to tell her all the things I found beautiful about her. But something told me to take it slow. That I would scare her off if I came on too strong. So I would keep my feelings to myself—at least for the time being.
She turned to me, a small smile on her face. “Thank you. You vex me, Liam. I thought you would be a troublemaker.”
“Oh, I am.” I gave her a sly grin.
Her eyes crinkled. “Yes, but you’re a genuine person. You are truly yourself. You seem so free. And know how to be happy.”
“And you don’t know how to be happy?”
“I thought I did. But now it seems like I don’t know much about happiness at all.”
I leaned back on my hands, stretching out my legs. “All right, then. Tell me about it.”
“About what?”
“Where this is coming from. Because I have a theory.”
“And what’s your theory, Doctor Pendragon?” She looked at me with amusement but there was still something sad in those eyes.
“This is coming from your mother. Or Ambrose. Or both.”
She shook her head, huffing a disbelieving sigh. “Yes.”
“Let’s hear it then.”
“All right. Growing up, I was taught that success would equal happiness. And the only way to reach it was to be the best at absolutely everything. Utter perfection. As long as I can remember, there was a schedule. Order. No spontaneity, no fun. If whatever activity I was doing wasn’t either teaching me something or preparing me for my future, it was not allowed. ”
I frowned. “What about playing? Did you play as a child?”
“Only in the ways it suited my mother. If she deemed it frivolous, I got in trouble. She used to tell me if I had time to play, then my lessons weren’t challenging enough. So she’d add more.”
I was speechless. I knew her mother was ruthless, but not playing as a child? That was…horrific.
Cerise focused on the flowers again, rubbing the remainder of her exposed skin while I did the same. “So that’s how I’ve basically lived my life. Work work work. And I do enjoy my job. I love wildlife and research and teaching. But it’s never enough. Nothing is ever enough.”
“Enough for who?”
“My mother.”
“What about your father?”
Cerise bit her lip. “I never knew him. He died before I was born.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Thank you. And it spilled over into my dating life. I always seemed to attract the men who were looking to climb the ranks, or who were close with my mother and could further their career or my own in some way. It was exhausting.”
“And they didn’t call you beautiful?”
“Not like you did. And Ambrose never did. Come to think of it, he never really said anything nice to me. Put me down most of the time. But it was so subtle, and I was so focused on my job, I didn’t really notice it.
At first he took me to fancy dinners, wining and dining me.
But he only complimented my achievements.
Not me. Not who I was as a person. Only what I could do for him. ”
“Oh, Cerise. Ambrose is an absolute fuckwit.”
She gasped, her eyes widening. “You shouldn’t speak like that.”
“Do you disagree?”
Her face fell. “No.” She was silent for a long time, rubbing the last of the flowers on her ankles before tossing them aside. “Remember when you asked me if he ever hit me?”
I tensed. Surely not. “Yes…”
“Well, he almost did. That’s when I broke up with him.”
I tried to tame the anger working its way into my chest. “What do you mean ‘he almost did?’ What happened?”
“He’d had a bad day at work, and didn’t like the way I had made dinner.
He started to berate me and say all sorts of terrible things.
And usually, I would just apologize and fix it, because I didn’t want to deal with his attitude.
But this time I pushed back. I don’t even remember what I said to him.
All I remember was one moment he was yelling, the next his fist went through the wall. ”
“Fuck. Cerise. He doesn’t still work at Silverleaf with you, does he?” I clutched my fists. I was not a violent person, but I had the sudden urge to deck Ambrose square in the jaw the next time I saw him.
“No. He left not long after that incident. He was humiliated by me breaking up with him.” She smiled a little at that. “He doesn’t respond well to not getting his way.”
I reached out and grasped her hand. “I’m glad you left that bastard.
And remember this. You are not defined by your accomplishments.
None of that matters. The only thing that matters in life is that you’re happy.
So find what makes you happy. The things you’ve always wanted to do but never did because they weren’t ‘proper’ or it didn’t put you on a certain path.
Life is much too short to live for others’ expectations, sunshine.
” I squeezed her hand and looked into her violet eyes.
“Chase your joy and don’t be ashamed of it. ”