25. To Try
To Try
Cerise
My mother was here. In the jungle with the rescue team…and Liam. Of course I wanted to be rescued, but she was the last person I expected—or wanted—to see right now.
My emotions were at war within my chest. I’d seen the way Liam flinched when my mother insulted him. How he looked at me with longing, knowing what was about to happen. And I didn’t know what to do or how to stop it.
I needed time to think. To process. There were too many people around and I could hardly hear my thoughts, overwhelmed with the sudden shift of the morning.
One minute, we were snuggling in the tent, kissing and holding each other, the next my damned mother appeared out of nowhere. As if she was haunting me.
I wanted so badly to stand up to her. But the moment she began to chastise me, it was like I was a child all over again, seeking her approval no matter the cost. I just needed to get out of here. To get home and settle back into my routine. Then everything would be all right.
Then I would know what to do.
“I cannot believe you allowed yourself to get lost in the jungle, Cerise,” she berated, walking beside me. “Do you have any idea what you missed?”
“Mother,” I spoke quietly as we pushed through the forest. “I almost drowned. I could have died. Liam saved my life.”
She looked at me sharply. “Liam? On a first name basis? You slept with him, didn’t you?”
“That’s none of your business.” I resisted the urge to turn and look at him, walking behind me with his sister.
“Of course it is. I’m your mother. And while you were busy fornicating in the jungle with that embarrassment to our field, your team discovered a brand new species.”
My heart lurched in my chest. They accomplished what I had hoped to do.
“Yes, that’s correct. You missed your chance. All because you couldn’t climb up a hill quickly enough.”
Now my heart hurt for a different reason. “You don’t care,” I whispered. “You don’t care that I almost died. You only care that I missed my opportunity…”
“How dare you? Of course I care. I’m here aren’t I?”
“Right.” I blinked back the tears in my eyes, shaking my head. I shouldn’t have been surprised. She had always been like this. But it hurt nonetheless.
Noticing my emotion, she added, “I guess I’m just a terrible mother. You know I only want what’s best for you, dear. How can I do that if you’re always reminding me of how awful I am?”
There it was. It was about her again. Typical.
Defeated, I said, “I’m sorry. That’s not what I meant at all. I’m just exhausted and emotional from being stuck in the wild for so long.”
Of course that wasn’t true. But there was no use in arguing. It would only make it worse. And I didn’t want to cause a scene in front of everyone, especially Liam. Now was not the time.
I chanced a glance behind me, catching his eye. He looked at me with softness, breaking my heart even more.
He mouthed the words ‘are you okay?’
I shrugged and turned back around, mulling over the last few weeks. And dreading being back home.
We walked for several hours. I barely spoke aside from giving clipped answers to one of the rescuers who spent most of our trek asking about what happened, our health and anything we might need. Liam willingly spoke with him, as though he was trying to spare me from further ridicule from my mother.
He and his sister seemed close. They chatted along the hike, laughing and catching up with each other. But every so often, he met my gaze like he wanted to say something and then stopped himself.
“We’re here,” a brunette man said from the front of our party.
We’d reached a clearing with a group of horses tied to makeshift posts.
“All right, everyone,” the guide said. “Mount your steeds. Two to a horse. Just a few more hours until we’re at the carriages and we can get home.”
My mother strode forward, stopping beside the brunette. “I’ll ride with you like before,” she stated. The man tensed, obviously not excited about it.
At least I didn’t have to ride with her.
Liam approached tentatively. “Ride with me, sunshine?”
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea…”
“Please.” His green eyes were desperate. “I promise to keep my hands to myself. I just…I want a little more time with you before all of this ends.”
I swallowed. “All right.”
Liam mounted a dappled gray mare, then helped me up. I settled in front of him as we began to move. Fortunately, the jungle was so dense we had to ride single file and my mother stayed at the very front—probably so she could chastise the guide when he made a ‘wrong turn’ in her eyes.
We rode in silence for a while, Liam gripping the reins but keeping his hands off me like he promised.
“Are you okay, Cerise?” he asked.
“Of course. Why do you ask?”
“Because your critical mother showed up and you immediately withdrew. I’ve never seen you look so…dispirited.”
“You’re speaking as if you know everything about me,” I snapped, unable to help myself. “We’ve only known each other for a few weeks. Perhaps I often have moments where I am—how did you put it?—dispirited.”
He tensed behind me. “All right then. I’ll go along with whatever it is you’re doing. We know absolutely nothing about each other. I must have been mistaken.”
Whatever I was doing…What was I doing? Pushing him away, perhaps. So it would be easier to say goodbye? Honestly, I had no idea why I snapped at him. I was just so on edge.
A yellow butterfly danced in front of us and I followed it with my eyes, trying to steady myself, trying to tamp down on the turmoil of emotions churning in my gut.
“I don’t know what to say, Liam,” I whispered.
“I’d like to finish our conversation from this morning. Before we were interrupted.”
I chewed my lip. “All right…”
“You had been about to say you wanted to try…this. Us. Am I right?”
I looked ahead of us, but my mother was far out of ear shot, and I finally let myself relax into him. “I don’t know.”
“What’s making you hesitate? Tell me where your head is.”
I fidgeted with one of the reins and Liam took them in one hand, while his other gently clasped mine, his thumb brushing circles atop it.
“Is this okay?” he whispered.
I nodded as I gathered my words. “I lied earlier.”
“About what?”
“Though we haven’t known each other long, you were right.
I have withdrawn. It’s almost impossible not to when she’s around.
A habit, I suppose. A way to protect myself…
I don’t know…” I shook my head. “When I was with you in that grotto…I had never felt so free. Actually, even before then. It probably started when you forced me to release those insects in Doctor Rosenshield’s tent… ”
“But?” Liam asked after I was silent for a while.
“But I’m not sure I can do that back home.
I will have so much work to do to catch up from being gone.
I need to get back to my routine. I’ll probably have to start thinking of ideas for a research proposal if I ever have the chance of becoming dean.
I don’t know if I can manage a long distance relationship on top of that.
” As much as I wanted to try, I was scared it wouldn’t work.
And that I would hurt Liam or myself in the process.
“I just…of course I want to try. But also…”
Liam squeezed my hand. “I’m going to stop you right there, sunshine, before you stress yourself out even more. I’ve already told you what I wanted. But I understand your hesitance. This is far outside your comfort zone and it isn’t fair for me to push when you aren’t ready.”
“Thank you.”
There it was again. His ability to read me so well. It made my heart twist with something I couldn’t quite name.
“Here’s what we’ll do,” he continued. “We will say our goodbyes, as much as it pains me to do so, and go home. Get back into your routine and adjust to home life again. I know you need to think things through and go over every possible scenario in your head…am I right?”
I couldn’t help the laugh that escaped. “Correct.”
“Well, then. You’ll do all of your thinking and then realize you’re bored out of your mind and miss me terribly. I’ll be expecting a letter from you begging me to visit within just a couple of weeks.”
His humor helped me relax. “Oh is that so?”
“Definitely,” he said, placing the subtlest of kisses on the back of my neck before removing his hand and straightening back up. “And I’ll be looking forward to it.”