27. Absolutely Fucking Not
Absolutely Fucking Not
Liam
Ipaced back and forth at the front of the classroom, my hands waving as I explained the behaviors of the garuda bird and told my students all about the one I’d seen in the field.
I pushed up my glasses as I explained their mating rituals, the songs they used to call to each other, and the unique dance the males performed, only to end up getting rejected seventy-five percent of the time.
“The poor fellow has quite the work to do if he wants to carry on the legacy of his genes,” I said. My students chuckled.
Finishing my lecture, I dismissed class early, struggling to concentrate and desiring a moment of peace and quiet.
The students filed out and I was left alone in my classroom, plopping into the chair behind the wide wooden desk. I didn’t have the energy to go to my office at the moment, so I shuffled papers around, pretending as if I was doing something productive.
Classes had started just a few days ago and I’d thrown myself back into work, trying not to think of a certain violet-eyed beauty who haunted my every thought.
We hadn’t spoken since we parted ways about ten days ago.
Though I had teased her about waiting until she reached out to me…why hadn’t I called or sent a letter? What was stopping me?
I didn’t fucking know. Probably because I had a feeling she was going to reject me and I didn’t want to deal with the heartbreak, so I just avoided it altogether.
I’d seen her slowly pull back into herself the moment her mother showed up and I knew how that felt. I often did that around my father. It was why I practically avoided him at all costs. I rarely answered his calls and ventured home even less.
So I knew what was coming. And though I thought perhaps I had gotten through to her on that final horse ride, I still worried she wouldn’t want to continue anything with me. Because I saw how devastated she was with her mother’s disappointment, the look on her face seeking approval.
I sighed, removing my glasses and pinching the bridge of my nose.
“What a fucking mess,” I mumbled.
“What did you do this time?” Coen’s deep voice interrupted my self-pity.
I put my glasses back on and looked up at him meandering toward me. “What makes you think I’ve done something?”
“Because you always mutter to yourself when you’ve screwed up. Which is quite frequent.”
“Thanks for your kind observation, friend.” I gave him a small glare. “It’s nothing. I’m fine.”
Lies, lies, lies. I wasn’t fine. I was a pathetic, pining mess.
“Sure.” He stopped in front of my desk. “I was grabbing my mail from the main office and went ahead and got yours too.” He dropped a pile of letters in front of me.
“Thanks.” I began to thumb through them.
“Liam?”
I glanced up. “Yeah?”
“Grab a beer with me. In an hour. At our usual place. Don’t be late.”
“Fine. I’ll see you in a bit.”
He left and I returned my attention to the mail.
There was nothing of major importance, mostly advertisements for conferences and the like.
Some random journal subscription letters I always ignored.
Toward the back of the stack, was an ornate envelope that stuck out among the rest. Thick and silver, it was closed with an intricate wax seal.
The invitation to the annual awards gala.
I opened it and began to read.
I knew they were honoring Emberly for her discovery after we’d been lost in the jungle. But the other event I saw on the schedule made me freeze.
In honor of her unprecedented contributions to the field of natural sciences, we will pay special homage to the esteemed Doctor Anya Thornheart. As our guest of honor, she will be the keynote speaker and present this year’s awards.
Fuck.
Cerise’s best friend was being presented with an award from her cruel, narcissistic mother. And Cerise was guaranteed to be in attendance. I doubted she ever missed events like this, despite not wanting to attend.
My heart ached for what this news might be doing to her. No doubt, she’d be professional and supportive, pretending she was fine. But I knew how much this must hurt.
I had to be there. I would be there.
Setting the invitation aside, I picked up the last letter. My eyes caught on the return address and I inhaled. It was from Cerise.
With a shaky breath, I broke the wax seal and pulled out the singular page, unfolding it.
Why was I so nervous?
Liam,
I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for making me laugh. For pushing me to do things that were outside of my carefully constructed bubble of comfort. For diving into the water after me and saving my life. For poking and prodding and pushing me to ease up, to let go. Thank you.
I will hold those memories in my heart and always cherish our friendship. I’m sorry I can’t give you what you need. I just have too much going on right now. Besides, you deserve someone who can match your energy and zest for life. I’d only bring you down.
I hope we can remain friends. Perhaps I’ll see you at the gala.
Sincerely,
Cerise
Absolutely fucking not.
I read and re-read the letter, noticing the tiniest smudge on the ink where something wet had messed with her signature. A tear?
While I had been expecting this, it still tore through me. Ripped my heart open. If I knew her—and I really felt like I did—she had gotten in her head and convinced herself we weren’t a good match. That our different lives couldn’t work together.
But what I hadn’t been expecting was her thinking she wasn’t good enough for me.
I sat across from Coen at the local tavern, nursing my second beer. I’d told him everything that had happened since I went on the expedition. Then shared Cerise’s letter with him.
He watched me with hazel eyes, his black hair that was beginning to gray at the temples shining in the low light. His expression contorted with his typical scowl.
“You’re in love with her.” He said it so matter of factly, I almost didn’t catch his words.
I laughed, shaking my head.
“Don’t lie to yourself, Liam. I can see it in your eyes when you talk about her.” He drummed his fingers on the table.
I took another sip of beer. Shit. I was. I was absolutely, head over heels, pathetically in love with Cerise Thornheart. And I hadn’t a clue what to do about it.
“Now what?” I asked.
“Well, how about you tell her?”
“Have you ever met her?”
He shook his head, chuckling along with me. “No, but I’ve heard she’s pretty uptight.”
“She can be. But deep down she’s kind, caring, and sometimes even funny.”
“Damn…you’re pathetic, Liam.”
I gave him a flat look.
“So just tell her.” He shrugged as if it was easy.
“She’s skittish. Like a cat. If I come out and blatantly tell her I love her, I guarantee that will push her away even more. She’s already beginning to withdraw. I don’t think now is a good time.”
We were both silent as we mulled over the conundrum. I ran my fingers through my hair, fidgeting in my seat as I scanned the tavern, hoping an idea would reveal itself.
Patrons laughed as they played cards, clinking their tankards together. An older couple argued passionately in the far corner. A woman chased her toddler across the floor, both of them giggling with delight as they dodged wooden chairs and tables.
“If you can’t tell her, then show her.”
I returned my attention to my friend. “Excuse me, but when did the terrifying, asshole of a professor who literally makes students cower become well-versed in the ways of relationships?”
Coen scratched his neatly trimmed beard. “Just because I prefer the company of plants over people, doesn’t mean I don’t pay attention to how they interact. You said she’s like a cat…then win her over like you would a cat.”
I frowned. “What? Give her treats and pet her?”
“No, you idiot…fuck. Do I have to spell it out?”
I chuckled.
“Show her how safe of a person you are. Emotionally…physically…and she’ll eventually come to you.”
I gaped at my friend, who I had known for years.
Most everyone thought he was an arrogant bastard that delighted in making his students cry.
And that was partially true. Well…he didn’t delight in their tears, per se, but insisted he was giving them honest feedback and they needed to get used to criticism or they’d never survive in their careers out in the real world or whatever.
But underneath it all, he did have a sense of humanity toward others. He just didn’t tend to show it often.
And I had never heard him say anything that profound about trying to win a woman over.
Adjusting my glasses, I said, “Do you have some secret love you’re hiding from me? Why are you actually making sense?”
His scowl deepened. “As if I have time for a relationship.”
“Right. You’re too busy growing your hybrid plants in your spooky secret lab like some type of mad scientist. No time for fun.”
Coen ignored my dig, shaking his head. “I’m just pointing out the obvious, Liam. It’s really not that complicated.”
I sipped on my beer as I mulled over his words.
If you can’t tell her, then show her.
I could do that. I would need to be subtle and move slowly. Show her with both actions and words…but perhaps leave the whole ‘love’ thing out of it for now.
She claimed she just wanted to be friends in her letter, but I knew she was lying. That she’d pulled in on herself because it was safe and easy. Like the male garuda, I would need to prepare my dance and lure her to me.
This was going to take time.
It was a good thing I had all the time in the world.