35. Rumors
Rumors
Cerise
The carriage vibrated over the cobblestone streets as my mother and I left town. She had been silent for the duration of the ride so far—not uttering a word when I entered and took my seat across from her. And I wasn’t planning on breaking the silence.
Doing my best to ignore the tension in the compartment, I watched the scenery change as we left town and entered the countryside.
The viridescent trees were bright in the late morning sun, their leaves quivering in the breeze.
Birds called as they flitted amongst the boughs, blending with the rhythmic clop of horse hooves.
It had been almost unbearable saying goodbye to Liam this morning, especially after the amazing night we’d had together, already giving us a taste of what living in two distant towns would be like.
When we were together, everything was magical.
Filled with laughter and adventure and passion. But now I felt empty.
Alone.
Aside from Emberly and Rosamund, I had always felt misunderstood.
People thought I was a ruthless shrew who only cared about myself and my career.
Hells, even Liam had initially seemed to think that.
But it wasn’t true. I cared about far more than that, I just didn’t know how to express it.
Didn’t know how not to obsess over my next promotion or accomplishment.
It had been so ingrained in me for thirty-five years, it was difficult to undo.
Thanks to the very woman sitting across from me.
But around Liam, I could relax. Learn who I was outside of academic achievements. Let go.
I already miss him.
“Did you enjoy yourself last night?” My mother broke the silence, causing me to jump.
I turned to meet her piercing gaze. “The gala was lovely.”
She huffed. “You know that’s not what I’m talking about, Cerise.”
I watched her, waiting.
“Do you know the rumors that were swirling about after you and Doctor Pendragon disappeared? People were saying you left together.” She whispered the last part, as if someone could hear the scandal.
“We did.”
Her eyebrows almost disappeared into her gray hairline. “Unbelievable. I tried to cover for you. I told everyone you had a headache and went back to your room. The fact that he was also gone was just a coincidence.”
I straightened, brushing my hand along the emerald velvet seat. “You didn’t need to do that. I’m not ashamed of him.”
“Well, you might not be, but you embarrassed Ambrose. He was furious. He told me Doctor Pendragon interrupted your conversation and forced you to dance with him.”
I let out a mirthless laugh, shaking my head. “He didn’t force me to dance with him.” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “This is preposterous. I’m a grown woman. Who I sleep with or who I date is no one’s business.”
My mother crossed her legs. “Well, unfortunately when you’re in the public eye, it is everyone’s business.”
“Public eye? You’re speaking like we’re famous politicians.” I shoved away the urge to roll my eyes.
“We still have a reputation to uphold. And who you ‘date’ is part of that. That’s why Ambrose is perfect for you.”
I leaned forward, pushing myself to be brave and set a boundary with my mother. “I’m only going to tell you this once, so be sure to listen. Do you want to know the real reason I broke up with Ambrose?”
She waved her hand, impatiently gesturing for me to continue.
“Aside from the fact that he was rude, disrespectful and thought I was beneath him? He became violent. He never hit me, but if I hadn’t left it likely would have escalated.
But he did punch a hole through the wall once.
That’s when I ended things. So I don’t want to hear his name come from your mouth one more time.
I am not getting back together with that man.
I want absolutely nothing to do with him. ”
My mother flinched, but was silent. She turned to look out the window again, leaning back in her seat, and sighed. That was probably all I would get. She would never apologize or open up about how she felt.
Another question on my mind, I couldn’t help myself. “May I ask you something?”
She turned back to me. “Of course.”
“Aren’t you tired?”
“What kind of question is that?”
“The constant vigilance; the worries about reputation; obsessing over your career. Aren’t you exhausted?” I propped my elbow on the window frame, chin resting on my hand. “Because I am.”
“Of course I’m tired. But that’s normal, dear.
It’s the way of life for women in academia.
We must fight harder for recognition than our male peers.
It’s why I’m always pushing you to dig deeper, reach higher.
I know it’s difficult right now, but once you’re a dean, you’ll get to sit with the knowledge that you were chosen over all the men who were fighting for that same position. ”
She wasn’t talking about me at this point.
She was talking about herself. My mother had fought and clawed her way to the top.
Despite her narcissism, I was proud of her.
She was the first female dean of Silverleaf and it hadn’t been easy.
The men didn’t play nice. They were ruthless, so she had to be even more so.
But that wasn’t who I was.
“What if I don’t want to be dean?” A bold question. One I still wasn’t sure was true. My heart raced as I waited for her response. I had never spoken like this before.
“Oh Cerise, honey.” Here it comes, I thought. “You don’t know what you want. That rogue professor has you confused. But I’ll be here when it falls apart and you realize what you truly need.”
Wow. I swallowed, turning back to the window. I had nothing more to say to her. I thought perhaps I was getting somewhere. That she was going to open up to me in some way. But it seemed I had been mistaken.
She viewed me as a rebellious child who was lost and would eventually find their way back to the ‘straight and narrow path,’ and come crawling back to her, telling her she was right all along.
What was I trying to do? Heal our relationship? That would never work, I knew that. With a sigh I felt deep in my bones, I closed my eyes and tried to take a nap so I wouldn’t have to speak to her for the rest of the trip home.