Chapter Fifteen
Lizzie
H er brain stuttered for a moment, associating the name with Freddy but the voice with Kai, and she was frozen where she stood.
The second of hesitation was all it took for Pixie to spring, and she jumped with a wild yell. Kai let out an exclamation of surprise and fell heavily to the floor.
“Wait!” Lizzie’s body came back to life. “Pixie, don’t hurt him.”
The little girl had managed to roll Kai onto his back, and she was sitting atop his shoulders with the knife to his throat. She looked over her shoulders. “Do you know this trespasser?”
“It’s Kai.”
She could hardly believe the words as she said them out loud.
Kai had come for her.
Again.
The ice cracked a little bit more.
Pixie narrowed her eyes and grabbed a fistful of Kai’s hair through his hat, pulling the back of his head down. “Ah, the beard. It is ridiculous. Would you like me to shave it for you? I already have a knife right here.”
“No,” Lizzie answered quickly, dropping the brush to the floor with a clatter and stepping forward. “No, I don’t think you need to do that.”
“As much as I appreciate the offer, I think I would prefer to do it myself,” Kai answered, his voice as happy and unaffected as if he had met a friend on the road, and not as if he were currently being sat on by a tiny fiend with a blade. “It’s a whole process.”
“I just thought I would offer.” Pixie jumped up and stood to the side, twirling her knife as Kai rolled over and pushed to his feet. “So you’re Kai the guy. Why haven’t you kissed Eliza yet?”
His eyebrows disappeared underneath the edge of his hat, and Lizzie wished she could sink through the floor as he looked at her.
No, no, no. This is not good. Being embarrassed means I care what he thinks.
She didn’t even bother to touch the fact that she had felt the cold edge of paralyzing fear when she realized that Pixie’s knife was capable of doing permanent damage.
No feelings. No. Feelings.
When she didn’t answer, Kai turned his attention back to Pixie. “She hasn’t asked me to.”
“That’s all? You know she probably won’t, what with the beard and all. Though I do think it was nice of you to go all the way to Norditch to get her, even though you didn’t let her see a reindeer. She’s seen one now, so you’re off the hook for that, by the way. But even though she’s an un-princess, you still should probably kiss her at least once, since she’s your wife, and you should probably do it soon because Ma is holding her for ransom.”
Kai grinned down at the little robber girl; she could see the crinkle in the corner of his eyes in the moonlight. “Oh, I’ll kiss her.” He winked at her, and Lizzie had to focus on keeping all of her emotions shoved tightly down.
This isn’t working right anymore.
“But I’ll wait until Eliza is ready to kiss me.”
Pixie crossed her arms and looked at him seriously. “You might not get a chance. Ma is holding her for ransom, and she won’t like that you’re here.”
Kai mirrored her stance and expression. “Well, here’s the thing. You kidnapped my wife, and I came here to kidnap her back.”
“Ma won’t let you.”
“But would you?”
Pixie’s eyes grew wide, and for the first time since Lizzie had met her that afternoon, she looked uncertain. Her head bounced back and forth between the two of them. “Let you kidnap her? But what about the ransom?”
Kai shrugged. “As her husband, I would be the one paying the ransom, and I can’t do that until I get paid, and I can’t get paid because you took Peters’ till. So really, if you think about it, I already paid the ransom, and you’ve had it all along.”
His logic was a stretch, but it seemed it was just convoluted enough for Pixie to latch on. She nodded slowly. “You’re right. And if we already have the ransom, we can’t get another one.”
“Exactly. You might as well let me take her.”
“Alright, then.” Once her mind was made up, Pixie moved quickly, using her knife to slice through the ropes at Lizzie’s hands and feet. She gestured to the door. “You’ll probably want to run for a while. Ma might get upset at first and send someone after you, but after I explain to her about the ransom, she’ll let you go.”
Kai smiled and held out his hand for her to shake. “You’ve been a tremendous help. It’s been a pleasure doing ransom business with you.”
Pixie beamed at his words. She turned and suddenly threw her arms around Lizzie’s middle. “You were the very best un-princess I’ve ever met. I hope you let him kiss you.” She paused for a moment and stepped back before adding, “Though you better wait until after the beard is gone.”
Kai grabbed her hand, and with a final wave over his shoulder, he pulled her into the night. They didn’t speak at first, following Pixie’s advice to run. When a few miles separated them from Thera and her crew, Kai finally pulled them both to a stop. The next thing Lizzie knew, she was being crushed to his chest, which was still heaving with exertion from their run, and his arms wrapped tightly around her.
“Eliza.” He exhaled heavily, as if releasing a whole host of emotions with just the sound of her name.
She was stiff at first, unused to being touched, but when he seemed to notice and began to pull back, Lizzie realized just how much she wanted the connection. She grabbed his coat and tugged him closer, burying her face in his shoulder. His scratchy beard tickled the side of her head and neck, but she didn’t care. All that mattered in that moment was that his arms were around her.
He was there.
He had come for her.
She was safe.
She trusted him.
It was that foreign thought that caused her heart to jump to her throat in panic, and she pushed him away as her thoughts swirled around in a mad frenzy.
I’m not supposed to trust him. I’m not supposed to care. No feelings, no pain. Why isn’t it working? Belinda said the curse couldn’t be broken!
“Eliza?” Kai’s voice was quiet and gentle, a direct contrast to the turmoil that he had set loose in the pit of her stomach. “Can you go a little further tonight? I believe there’s a town a few miles further.”
She nodded, and they started walking again. She was thankful for the movement and the silence, as it gave her a chance to sort through things as the adrenaline of the moment died down.
The curse was still in place. She could still feel the icy barrier around her heart, though it had become cracked and thin in some places. After so long of experiencing little to no emotion at all, even the smallest amounts that were breaking through felt overwhelming.
Strong emotions have always been harder to deal with. This is no different. I just have to remember how to deal with them, how to freeze them out.
She looked at Kai out of the corner of her eye.
This would be much easier if he didn’t keep on trying. Why does he? No one else has ever lasted this long, except for Freddy. Maybe that’s why I keep getting the two confused. Neither of them will accept the fact that I’ll never love them.
By the time they reached the little town of Dersen, she had once again buried her feelings under the ice. Kai followed the signs to an inn, where he was somehow able to procure a room for them.
“How were you able to pay for this?” she asked as she followed him up the stairs to their room.
“Peters paid me yesterday.” Kai stepped into a narrow hallway and began scanning the doors until he came to the number five. He slipped the key into the lock and opened it with a creak. “After you, my lady.”
“But you told Pixie that your pay was in the till.” Lizzie stood in the middle of the room and looked around. It was nothing fancy—a bed wide enough for two with a quilted blanket and fluffy feather pillows, a small vanity with a pitcher and bowl for washing, and a cushioned chair in the corner. A braided rug in variations of red and brown covered the floor in front of the hearth.
Kai immediately knelt in front of it and started coaxing a fire to life. “Are you really questioning whether or not I lied to the people who kidnapped you?” He leaned back on his heels as small flames started dancing in front of him.
“Fair point.” She sank down onto the edge of the bed. “How did you manage to find me?”
“I was already on the edge of town when they came through. Peters told me what happened and which direction you went, so I bought a horse and followed. I was just one rider, so I caught up with you well before nightfall. I hung back until you made camp, then watched to see what they did with you.” He closed his eyes. “Those were some of the hardest hours of my life. Please don’t ever get kidnapped again.”
“What happened to the horse?”
He cracked one eye open and smiled wryly. “Of course, that would be the detail you’re concerned about. I had to leave the horse behind. I couldn’t risk it making noise and alerting your kidnappers to my position. It’s either part of your ransom now, or else it’s making its way back to Todden.”
She nodded. A beat of silence passed between them. “What now?”
He sighed. “Now we get some rest. Feel free to take the bed; I’ll be fine in the chair in the corner.”
Lizzie looked at the piece of furniture in question. The green fabric was worn and threadbare, and the cushion on the seat of the chair was flat rather than plump. The back was tall and straight, which meant that Kai would either have to spend the night with the posture of a princess at tea, or else sit at an awkward angle that would likely leave his neck sore in the morning.
“Are you sure? I don’t think it looks very comfortable.”
Kai tilted his head in consideration. He nodded slowly. “You’re right. On second thought, I’ll take the floor.”
It was heavenly to lay on a real mattress again. Lizzie closed her eyes and let her head sink into the pillow.
It’s going to be a struggle to go back to camping after this.
Kai shifted on the rug, and a tiny thread of guilt managed to filter its way through the crack. She shoved it back down.
He said he was fine.
He tried to smother a cough, and the thread popped out again.
He also said that every night he slept outside. He was even willing to spend the whole night in the rain. He won’t ask for more than he thinks you’re willing to give him. This bed isn’t any smaller than the tent, anyway.
The guilt won.
“Kai?” she whispered.
He immediately stilled. “What’s wrong?”
“You don’t have to sleep on the floor.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
He rose, placing his pillow and blanket on the bed and stretching himself out on the mattress as close to the edge as he could get without falling. He exhaled. “Thank you, Eliza.”
Now that he was close enough that she could hear him breathing, Lizzie’s brain was suddenly wide awake. She tried turning so that her back was to him, but that just made her even more aware of the sound of his breathing since she couldn’t see him. She turned back again.
“Do you want me to leave?” Kai’s voice was groggy. “I’m not offended if you changed your mind.”
“I just can’t sleep.” Lizzie folded her hands on her stomach and looked up at the ceiling. “I apologize for keeping you awake.”
“You don’t have to apologize. What’s on your mind?”
You!
She wanted to scream the thought at him, but it would have just made the situation worse, so Lizzie settled on her next biggest concern. “What are we going to do now?”
Kai shifted and rolled to his side, propping his head on his hand. “Are you asking about this moment, or about the future?”
“The latter.” She was trying as hard as could to keep her mind away from this particular moment.
“Well, I still plan to go to Kysta and see my mother. I’ll probably need to stay there for a while and work.”
“Oh, of course.” She squeezed her eyes shut, pushing all thoughts of Freddy away. Besides, Kysta was a large enough country and Kai was a peasant. The likelihood of crossing paths with Freddy was probably quite low. “Do you have a particular route that you travel when you play?”
“When I…? Oh! When I play. Yes. Kind of. I do most of my performing at the palace.”
No feelings. The palace is just a place. Just a place with…people.
“I see.”
“And don’t worry; I have some connections there at the palace. The head housekeeper, Mrs. Pearce, is an old family friend. I’m sure she can get you a position in the kitchen.”
“Hmm.”
“Is that alright? She could also probably find you something as a maid, though I figured in the kitchen you would be less likely to see the prince.”
She pressed her lips together. “The prince isn’t a problem.”
“Not for you, I know. I’m just concerned about him.” Kai laughed nervously. “I’m worried that if he sees you, he’ll want to steal you away. He couldn’t have been too pleased once he found out that his betrothed was married off to someone else.”
“I’m certain he will get over it.”
“I’m not quite sure about that. I know I wouldn’t be able to.”
His voice had softened, laced with affection, and something fluttery and warm stirred to life in Lizzie’s stomach.
She wanted to be loved, wanted to believe that his affection was as true as it sounded.
But then she remembered her father’s whispered words in her mother’s ear, the ones that would make her face rosy with blushes and smiles.
Then the yelling.
The sound of a hand hitting flesh and her mother’s cry of pain.
Dark bruises that never had a satisfactory explanation. Cruel threats couched in words of affection. Affirmation and acceptance at the cost of unflinching obedience.
No feelings, no pain.
“I can’t love him.” She threw the words out as a defense.
Kai just sidestepped them with a chuckle. “I should hope not; you’re married to me.”
She was desperate now, reaching for every form of ammunition she had. “No, I mean I can’t . I’m cursed. My heart can’t feel love. It can’t feel anything.”
He was still for a moment. “Cursed.” The word was quiet and thoughtful, as if she had given him the key to a puzzle she didn’t know he was solving. “That’s not a problem. We’ll just figure out how to break it.”
“No!” Lizzie nearly shouted the word in her desperation. She breathed deeply, focusing on the feeling of ice around her heart, willing it to harden. “I don’t want it to be broken.”
“You…want to be cursed?”
“Of course I do. I’m the one who did it.”
“But why?” Kai’s voice was strangely tight.
“Because I was going to marry Prince Frederick.”