Chapter 31
By afternoon, we’ve made it through an entire chapter. We take breaks for lunch and Ryan is alert, pain no longer distracting him. I even have to slow him down a few times, reminding him I’m not literally dictation software.
There’s a clear-cut love story now, introduced early, even if I know it won’t take over the entire book. I’m sure it’s exactly what Kate wants. She doesn’t want a carbon copy of Soulmates, she just wants the same heart and soul and now she’ll get it.
“I love this new direction,” I say.
“Just took your advice. You’ve been a big help. Anyway, you can go. I’ll be fine.”
I grab my purse, ready to go but then I stop because there’s something he should know. Somehow not telling him feels equally wrong.
“I didn’t have a chance to tell you, but Chris…my ex…he’s back.”
He quirks a brow. “You didn’t think he’d stay in South America forever, did you?”
“No, but, the thing is, he wants me to give him another chance.”
“Can’t say I’m surprised.” If he feels anything at all, I don’t see the slightest hint.
I expected a bigger reaction from someone who’s supposed to be in love with me. There’s no hint that this affects him in the least. We might as well be talking about the weather.
I fiddle with my purse strap, like it needs adjusting. It does not.
“What do you think? Should I…give him another chance?”
There’s zero hesitation. “You should. He made a mistake.”
I wish he’d tell me I shouldn’t. I wish he’d tell me that he clearly is the one for me. We have everything in common. We’re so right together that everyone can see it. Even Millie sees it!
He simply stands and adjusts his glasses.
He isn’t taking them off in front of me any longer.
No male idiosyncrasies here. Sure, Ryan does find me attractive, that much we’ve established.
But true love is another matter entirely.
Love is something far deeper when it grows like wildflowers, which thrive even in the worst elements as long as the soil is rich.
Ours is merely a powerful physical attraction.
No one can build a life on that alone. If that’s all a couple has, there’s always going to be someone else waiting in the wings. Been there, done that.
I nod. “Okay, I’ll do it.”
I’m halfway out the door when I hear his voice again. “That’s all it takes?”
“What do you mean?”
“Face it, you weren’t waiting for me to say it’s okay. You wanted permission from someone, and I’m here to give it. This decision should come from you no matter what anyone else says. So, yes, if you once loved him or still do…give him a chance. Second chances are one of my favorite tropes.”
My heart aches, but I almost smile at the reference. “You are such a romantic.”
“No, I’m a realist.” He smiles, his eyes tipping down at the corners, giving him his eternally sad look.
“Really?” Anger flushes through me. “Is it because you can’t see yourself as someone who any woman in their right mind would choose?”
“No. I don’t need you to choose me. Damn it, when will you listen? It was just a book.”
But I see a wounded little boy who felt responsible for his family’s happiness for so many years and might still feel that way.
There’s a grown man who is stuck in the belief he doesn’t deserve to be happy because that’s the message he was given early on.
He’s making the choices he’s always made even when they’re no longer serving him.
For years I also believed I was “too much” and worked my entire life to be easier to love. Easier to swallow, by cutting myself into smaller pieces. I know this is the way Chris sees me. He doesn’t see the woman I’ve become since he’s been gone.
Ryan sees me and I feel safe with him. Safe enough to leave nothing unsaid.
“You want to know what your problem is?”
“Too many to list.” Ryan opens the bottle, pops another pill and slams it down with some water.
I point to him. “You can’t see yourself the way others see you. It’s easier to fall back into old habits than take a risk. Easier to be a grump than open up your heart and love someone.”
“I’ve taken plenty of risks.” He scowls. “Most of them didn’t take me to a good place.”
I would say the book was the exception but now I see it was Kate who took the risk. Kate who saw what a gem the book could eventually become, unlike anything Ryan had previously written.
“I agree some people are not worth the risk. But some are.”
A moment passes between us, filled with empty words and unexpressed thoughts. On his part, I’m sure.
I take several steps toward him and kiss him on the mouth, hard. I’m careful not to hurt him but I kiss him with everything I have. I kiss him like it’s the last time I’m ever getting this chance. Without Ryan, I would have never found the best parts of myself.
Ryan is kissing me back, and it’s another one of those kisses where I’m lost. I fall into him, forgetting anyone or anything else. We’re forgetting ourselves, forgetting rules, forgetting everything that doesn’t fit into this moment.
He’s the one who pulls back. “Go.”
“But—”
“I told you I’m not a saint.” He runs a hand through his hair so hard his glasses shift. “I can’t do this with you right now. I know what it feels like to be betrayed.”
“So do I.”
He nods, acknowledging this truth.
It’s another one of those little things that connect us.
Both of our exes came crawling back to us after breaking our hearts.
Ryan is not interested in reconnecting with his, and neither am I.
But he knows me well enough to see right through me.
He won’t give us half a chance until he knows I’m done with Chris.
And I am. I just have to prove it to myself, and to him.
“I’ll see you Monday,” he says, and then turns to go toward the hallway.
And far too easily, I’m dismissed.
When I arrive at Chef Chu’s, Chris is waiting for me.
He reaches to give me a kiss but I sidestep it.
I feel like I’m betraying Ryan just by being here.
He’s already told me to give Chris another chance but I kissed Ryan this afternoon.
It was no different than the first time when my heart nearly burst into flames.
I don’t know why he keeps pushing me away.
Luci, it’s just a book.
But when you’re a woman who wants real life to be more like books, sometimes it isn’t easy to let go of the fantasy. I want to believe Ryan is that man, the one who will run after the one he loves. In an ideal world, me.
I’m standing next to Chris in the line at the entrance where the walls are filled on both sides with framed photographs of all the famous people who’ve been here. Heads of states have dined here. Also, Kareem Abdul-Jabar, John F. Kennedy, Jr., Justin Bieber. It’s a Wall of Fame.
“That could be you someday,” Chris says. “The famous Luci Santana, writer extraordinaire.”
But Ryan has the right idea. Obscurity isn’t half bad. Besides, I’ve never been interested in being a celebrity author.
“I don’t care about being famous,” I say even if Chris doesn’t seem to be listening anymore.
He’s now chatting with someone in line who he recognizes from the gym. They’re talking about how much they can bench press and other nonsensical things that don’t matter to anyone who lives in my world.
When we’re finally seated, I order my standard chicken salad and Chris orders nearly everything off the menu. He always does. Here’s the thing about Chris. He’s greedy.
“That’s going to be way too much food for you,” I tell him.
“Always good for leftovers.”
I’m not a fan of leftovers, or waste. Chris would often let the food go bad and we wound up pitching it. But he never listens to me. He still wants more, excess, and he can afford it. I’m sure his parents are still proud of him. He’s their little man.
“Where are you staying?” I ask.
“The rental on Middlefield. You know, the one my parents usually rent out to university students? It’s vacant this summer so I’m staying there until I get back on my feet.”
I know the house. It’s twice the size of my abuelita’s house and Chris has it all to himself.
“God, Luci, I can’t tell you how bad I feel that you couldn’t stay in the condo.” He runs a hand down his face. “It was one of those things I didn’t think all the way through.”
“Like your coffeehouse crush?”
I haven’t pressed him on this issue but it’s time. This is the new and improved Luci who doesn’t ignore problems. Get straight to the point and attack the plot hole, er, the problem. Working with Ryan taught me that.
“I told you,” he says, reaching for my hand. “It didn’t work out. We’re not good together.”
“You mentioned something about a fever dream, but that doesn’t make any sense to me.” I take my hand back and drum my fingers on the table.
“Babe, it was a mistake. I got all up in my head about the wedding. We already talked about this.”
But the thing is, I did all the planning. He just had to show up. Even this seemed to be too much for him. If he felt that way about the wedding, I shudder to think what our marriage would have been like.
“You mean when you thought marrying me sounded a lot like dying? So, you decided to join the Peace Corps where, if you died, at least you would die honorably instead of while tied to a ball and chain.”
He frowns and shakes his head. “That’s not what I said.”
“If things were good between us, if we loved each other, I don’t think someone else could have come between us. Ever. And you let Nadia come between us.”
“It was a fever—”
“Stop with the fever dream!” I slap both hands on the table, shocking Chris. “There’s no such thing.”
“There is. It’s when someone turns your head and makes you believe things that aren’t real.” Chris, as always, doubles down when he thinks he might be wrong.
It’s as if he hopes his confidence and self-assurance is going to somehow change facts. I’ve always disliked this about him, and I used to tease him. Now, it’s super annoying.