30. Chapter 30- Lily #3
“It was mostly pride, I fear. When I refused to commit Francine, the doctor prescribed a very strong sleeping draught and told me to remove the child from her room. Thank God I listened to him on that point, at least.” He stared straight ahead.
The cords on his neck stood in stark relief as he swallowed.
“For a few weeks, we retained a measure of peace. I hired a wet nurse, as the doctor said the draught was too strong to be safe for the child, and Francine was only allowed to see Rebecca when I was present.”
He shook his head. “But then the draught stopped working. One night, I was woken by the nurse’s scream. Francine had gotten into to the nursery, and—” He shook his head. It appeared he was choking on the memory.
Lily gasped. “Rebecca’s scar.”
Bradford gave a single nod that appeared as if it cost much. “Thank God the wet nurse woke up. Thank God she had the courage to smother the flames in the crib with her own hands.”
“Mrs. Clark?” Lily gaped at him.
He nodded again. “Francine had already fled down the hallway. She went up the stairs to the roof.” His face twisted; he appeared lost to his recollection.
“I followed her up. It was storming—lightning and thunder and sleet. She made it all the way to the edge of the east wing before I caught up to her. I grabbed her, thinking I would drag her back inside. But she broke my nose and jumped.”
Tears dripped from Lily’s eyes, but not for the lamentable, detestable Francine. Though she’d never say so aloud, in Lily’s estimation, Francine had performed her first charitable act toward the world when she jumped from the roof.
“I never want Rebecca to hear of it,” Bradford finally said. “She died in childbirth—that’s as close to the truth as I’m willing to tell her. Do you understand my reasoning?”
Lily nodded. Though she was most often on the side of truth as a rule, this was different. In this case, telling Rebecca the truth would only hurt her. What good was there to gain from what had really happened?
“I understand,” Lily finally said. “And though I am sorry for the pain she brought you—and others—I cannot bring myself to fully hate her. I love her daughter, after all.”
“You are more charitable than I am, then.” He shook his head. “What she tried to do to Rebecca…”
Lily had no answer for that. It was horrific, beyond comprehension, and by his expression, she could tell that Bradford was still fully in the memory’s clutches.
“Rebecca survived. She’s happy and loving. Her injury won’t hold her back from life in the least.”
“It isn’t simply guilt over what happened to Rebecca that plagues me,” he murmured.
“Forgive me for saying so, but if I had heeded the physician’s warning, Francine might still be alive.
Perhaps there could have been hope for her.
Not to live a full, free life, maybe. But still to have life itself. ”
“There is no forgiveness needed. I only think more highly of you, since I know you truly mean it.”
He shook his head. “You shouldn’t think highly of me at all.”
They stood looking out at the pond, side by side, hand in hand, sharing the silence.
Lily finally said, “I replayed that last conversation between us innumerous times after you left. I decided that my asking how your nose had been broken was to blame, somehow, for you leaving.”
Bradford winced. “I should have told you then. I’m sorry.”
“Why would you, when you thought I was faking my affection?” She smiled softly.
He shook his head. “I still should have had the courage to offer you the truth?—”
“You’ve offered it now, and nothing you’ve said has changed my mind. If anything, it’s improved my opinion of you.”
“How could that possibly be true?” He frowned as if in censure.
“Because while you were away, I imagined a hundred different ways your nose could have been broken, each of them more scandalous than the last.”
He shook his head. “I don’t feel that you should forgive me so easily.”
“There’s nothing to forgive,” Lily said.
“You made a mistake, but even that speaks to your character—you thought Francine could be healed at home. Many gentlemen would have shipped her off the moment she struck them, pregnant or not.” He opened his mouth as if to argue, but she plowed onward.
“And even after she tried to kill Rebecca—with fire, no less—you still followed her onto the roof, even though you’re frightened of heights. ”
“I fear you are determined to view me through the best lens.”
“While you are trying to blame yourself for a situation that was not of your making and not fully under your control. I understand your guilt, but it isn’t yours to bear. The guilt lies with Francine and her dreadful parents.”
Bradford turned to her. “Please, take the rest of the morning and think about what I’ve told you. I don’t want you to rush into an attachment without considering it.”
“Very well.”
The sun was fully up now, and a family of ducks swam toward them.
He studied her. “Out of curiosity, what was your best theory regarding my nose?”
“A jealous husband, perhaps?”
Bradford exhaled a rueful laugh. “Not hardly.”
“That was nothing. Margaret suggested you might be a highwayman.”