23. Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Three
M y heart constricts and my throat tightens. If not for my body’s natural instincts, I would have forgotten how to breathe.
Oh gods.
Loren.
I’ve forgotten all about him. Again.
An all too familiar guilt seeps through my chest, replacing the lightness I felt mere seconds ago with gohlrunn . I’d been so caught up in my own head the past few days, that I may have actually fallen for the illusion I so desperately wanted to believe.
That Viridian and I could be together. That we could be happy together.
The man I swore to save is still a prisoner. The man I once loved, above all else. And while he’s been suffering in a tiny prison cell, afraid and alone, I’ve been dancing, and dining, and kissing the fae male that’s responsible for all of it.
My cheeks sting.
I’ve been betraying him.
All this time. Every moment I’ve spent enjoying Viridian’s company has been no better than a knife in Loren’s back.
I press my palm to my chest in an effort to even my breath.
“Take me to him,” I say to the servant.
“Cryssa—” Viridian starts.
“ Now .”
The servant looks to Viridian.
Nostrils flaring, he takes a deep breath and balls his hands into fists. His voice is weak, barely above a whisper. “Do as she commands.”
The servant bows his head, and then motions for me to follow. “Come with me.”
T he descent into the dungeons lasts longer than I’d like.
Viridian’s eyes burn holes into my back the entire time, and he stays about a foot away from me. As if he can’t bear to be any closer.
How could we have fallen so far, in such little time?
We pass several cells before the servant stops. I don’t look into them as we pass, in fear of what—or who—I’ll see inside.
But there is nothing that could have prepared me for this.
I follow the servant. And turn to the prisoner inside.
Loren stands with his back to me. He presses his forearm to the wall and leans forward, resting his forehead on it.
I take deep breaths. Though, my breathing grows more ragged with each one.
Viridian reaches for my hand, as if on instinct. His hand is warm on mine. It feels nice. Comforting, even.
But I can’t bring myself to hold his hand in return.
No doubt sensing my stiffness, Viridian lets go of my hand, returning his own to his side.
I don’t want him to let go of my hand.
But my mind is too focused on the man in front of me, too consumed by the guilt, and the discomfort that tears me in two, that I don’t say anything. I don’t say anything at all.
The servant clears his throat. He looks at me, before opening his mouth.
“She’s here, as you requested.”
Loren’s shoulders rise, and he whirls around. The threat of violence that permeates his demeanor loosens. His face is dirty, and his light brown hair is longer than it was the last time I saw him, curls wild and unruly. My focus falls to his collarbones, at the black and blue bruises poking out from underneath his tattered shirt. Immediately, his green eyes land on me. Relief and love pool in them, and the way he looks at me makes me feel worse than I already do.
So much worse.
Because I know I’m not looking at him the same way.
My heart is torn in two. Half lies in the cell with Loren, and the other…
The other half is sworn to the male that’s holding him behind bars.
“Cryssa,” Loren breathes, like all he’s ever wanted is to see me again. He looks past me, at Viridian, and his eyes shoot daggers his way. “Are you all right? I’ve been so worried since—” He swallows, as if to catch himself before he says too much.
My throat feels as if someone has their hand wrapped around it.
“Cryssa?” Loren asks, swiftly crossing his cell to the bars. “Talk to me.”
“Yes,” I choke out. Closing my eyes, I slow my breaths. “I’m fine.”
“Fine?” Loren’s voice sharpens. “You don’t look fine .” Then he openly glares at Viridian. “What have you done to her?”
“I assure you,” Viridian begins, his voice cold. “I have done nothing but care for her.”
Loren laughs, and it’s a bitter sound. “As if I’d believe that. ”
Viridian’s jaw ticks.
“It’s true,” I say, finding my voice. “I want for nothing.”
Viridian’s face hardens to stone, and more than anything, I want to take it back and say something better instead. Something that will chip away at the stone, until I get my Viridian back. Just Viridian, the real Viridian. Not the Crown Prince.
“That’s a lie,” Loren says, voice softening. “And you know it.”
He’s right. That is a lie.
“You want your freedom,” Loren continues. “You want to go home. With me .” The last sentence is a jab, practically aimed at Viridian’s throat.
I turn my face from the cell.
Of course I want my freedom. How could I not? But now, even that is so much more complicated than it once was.
“You wanted to see me?” I ask.
“Of course I did,” Loren says. “I’ve thought of you every day, for all these weeks. Wondering where you are, if you’re all right. What’s happening to you.” A pause. “I’ve been worried sick about you, Cryssa.”
I can hear the sincerity in his voice. To any other woman, the emotion in Loren’s voice would have them swooning. But not me.
Not anymore.
I would ask myself why I don’t feel as I once did.
But I already know the answer to that question .
I glance at Viridian before I respond.
“Oh.”
“That’s it? Oh?” Loren echoes, voice tightening.
I know what he wants me to say. That I’ve been thinking of him just as much. That I’ve been worried sick about him, yearning for the day I can see him again.
But I can’t tell him that.
He knows me too well. He would know it’s a lie.
So, I don’t lie.
“Did he…” My eyes find his bruises again. I can’t bear to think that Viridian… That he might be responsible for them. “Are those…?”
Loren looks down at his chest, and then back up at me. “I had a scuffle with the guards.” He says it so casually, as if it’s a common occurrence. “Nothing to worry about, I promise.”
Has he tried to fight his way out? Has he tried to escape, desperate to find me, when I didn’t come back for him, like I said I would?
“I’m so sorry.” I sink to my knees and grip the prison bars. Tears prick at my eyes. “This is all my fault.”
“No,” Loren says, in an attempt to soothe me. He lowers himself to my level, reaching out to cup my face through the bars. “None of this is your fault.”
Sobs slip through my defenses. “It is my fault,” I repeat.
“Don’t blame yourself for this, Cryssa.” He takes my hand and places it over his heart. “I’m all right. Everything is going to be all right,” he says, as if he genuinely believes it. “I promise.”
But everything isn’t all right.
How can I tell him I’m not the same Cryssa he once knew?
That my feelings for him have changed?
The girl I was when I first arrived at High Keep comes rushing back to me. The human girl, who felt out of place amongst the noble fae. The girl who wanted nothing more to leave this place and never come back.
The girl Loren loves.
Though, no matter how much I may want it, that girl is gone. She’s never coming back.
I don’t know who I am anymore.
I can feel Viridian’s gaze on me. But I don’t dare look back. I don’t want him to see me like this.
To see me tearing apart at the seams.
And I know it’s terrible, that I am terrible for wanting this, but…
I want nothing more than to be back upstairs in my studio with Viridian. To be back in that moment, before this happened.
Because now that it has, now that I’ve seen Loren again, I know things between Viridian and I will never be the same.