Chapter 23
A DADDY IN THE SHEETS
SHARI
“Hey, you're early,” Jaime notes as I strop past her and flop face first onto her sofa.
“I hay muh lie,” I mumble into the furniture.
“In English, please?”
I turn my head just enough to free my lips from the cushion, my hair streaked across my face, “I hate my liiiife!”
“Oh, Shari. No, you don't. Is this about Brad and Larissa?” she asks, knowingly.
“Maybe. They're just...they're just so...happy! It's the worst!” I scoff. “I hate it. And I hate that I hate it. And I feel guilty that I hate it.”
“I don't want to say I told you so, but I totally did. You're the one that kept pushing him away. You said you want him to be happy.”
“And I dooooo! Just...not without me. And I know that's ridiculous and selfish and makes absolutely no sense because I did this to myself, but this bitch ain't logical!” I whine.
I may also kick my legs like a toddler having a tantrum.
“I like Larissa. I really do, but seeing them happy and hearing him gush about her is a killer.”
The sudden pounding of footsteps on the stairs is my only warning before a small child launches onto my back, knocking the wind out of me. “Auntie Shari!!! Did you bring Pickles?” Marcus screams directly into my ear.
I reach behind me and tickle him as best as I can in this position. “Is that all you want me for, Marcus The Meanie? My dog? Huh?”
He's wriggling and screeching with laughter as he breathlessly tries to reply, “No! I also...like...Lizzie and...your peanut butter cookies!” He manages to scramble off me and runs away yelling, “Bring them all next time!” as he cackles his way back upstairs.
I'm exhausted already so I just lie there, still face down on the sofa, breathing in the smell of blossom Febreeze, and possibly spilt orange juice.
Jaime's silent for so long I end up lifting my head and brushing my hair out of my eyes to check she's still there. She's leaning against the wall with her arms crossed, studying me.
“You think I'm pathetic.”
“A little, yeah, but that's not what I'm focused on.”
“Gee, thanks. Too much honesty, where's Elle to stroke my hair and tell me I'm pretty?”
“That's not what you need right now. But I know just the thing. Give me your phone.”
“My phone? Why?” I question, even as I hand it over.
“You'll see.” She's still tapping away on my mobile when both Elle and Max show up and let themselves in.
I hear someone shout pile on before I'm buried under a mound of children.
“No! Ack! How do you have this many elbows between you?
Help me! Why aren't your parents helping me?!” All I get in return are more elbows and squealing laughter.
Also pretty sure I hear some camera shutter clicks because my friends suck.
It does bring a smile to my face as the kids eventually let me up for air, and as soon as I'm sitting upright I open my arms wide and crush them together for a hug.
Once they've all disappeared upstairs to play, I notice Jaime's still got my phone. “Seriously, what are you doing with my mobile?”
“Hang on, one more thing and...done!” She returns my phone to me with a triumphant smile.
I look down at the screen to see a new app open – Love After Life – and a profile set up. “You set me up on a dating app?” I ask, incredulously.
“Yep! But it's that one for over thirty-fives. Most people on there have baggage in the form of divorce and/or kids, so you're all generally in the same boat.”
“Oh, I think this is a great idea!” Max rubs her hands together like a villain.
Elle is reading my new profile over my shoulder. “Looking for a daddy in the streets and a daddy in the sheets?” she bursts into giggles.
“Oh my god, Jaime! I cannot have that in my profile, it’ll attract all the weirdos! We need to change it right now.”
Ding!
“Babe, you've already got a message! Open it!” Elle is way too excited about this.
Nigelwantsto69: Hey sexy mama, I'll be your daddy any day.
Open attachment
“Oh Jesus, he's sent a dick pic!” She snatches the phone out of my hand to show the other two, and suddenly all three of them are zooming in on his unsolicited peen photo and commenting on it.
“I mean, it's not very big. Why would he think this was photo worthy?”
“He's very hairy too, like, there is a lot of overgrowth happening at the base there.”
“And the head just looks so...angry! Should it be that colour?”
“Guys! Please, can we delete this profile? The whole app even? I don't want to get dick pics all day!”
Ding!
Ding!
Ding!
“Wow, ok yeah, you're not getting the kind of response I was aiming for, maybe we should change your ‘About Me’ section. You already have three more dick pics and gross messages,” Jaime cringes.
“Gee, I wonder why I'm not getting any solid interest when my profile says that I'm looking for a daddy!” I throw my hands up, exasperated.
“But in positive news, your profile has been live for less than five minutes and you've already had loads of views!” Max attempts to paint the silver lining.
Between them, they decide on my new bio information and I reclaim my phone before they can do any more damage.
After dinner and a couple of wines, the girls convince me to check the app again, just for fun. And I'm shocked to see I have several messages in my inbox already. We decide to mirror my phone on the TV so we can go through them together, a la that one episode in The Big Bang Theory.
Gazza_is_ready: Hi beautiful. I have to say I was surprised to see such a fit bird on here, so I'm wondering what's wrong with you that you're single?
“Is he for real? Fuck off! Next!” Jaime swipes to the next message.
TatsNLats: How do you feel about muscular tattooed tall well hung men
“The lack of an actual greeting and punctuation is off-putting. His self description sounds hot, but the fact he needed to mention his dick in his opening gambit? No thanks!” I punctuate this with two thumbs down.
“Agreed,” Elle nods.
Karl123: Hi, this is going to sound weird, but you sort of look like my dead wife. What's your bra size? I'm curious if you're the same shape too.
We all just blink at each other before Max reaches over to swipe to the next message.
Felix_he_licks: What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
“Jaime, what the hell app is this? I thought you said we'd all be in the same boat, but so far they're all creeps!” I side-eye her.
Grimacing, she takes charge of my phone, “It's supposed to be less creepy, I swear! Maybe if we look through some profiles and like the ones that seem right for you? And see if any of them bite.”
We spend the next twenty minutes swiping through countless profiles and ‘liking’ the ones whose bios resonate with what I'm looking for. And that I'm attracted to because shallow or not, physical attraction is important.
“Ooh, one of them has matched with you and messaged already! Open it,” Max claps.
Tony_Sparky: Hi ShaJay, wow, I'm flattered someone as beautiful as you liked my profile. I had a great opening line ready, but your beauty made me forget it.
“I mean, it's a bit cheesy but first messages can be hard and you need to stand out so, A for effort, I guess,” Elle says with a wrinkle of her nose.
“Which one was he? Open his profile again,” I direct Jaime, since she has control of my phone still. “Ok, he's cute in an understated, buttoned-up kinda way. Likes dogs, ex-wife but no kids, enjoys reading, loves to cook. He ticks a lot of boxes, to be fair.”
“How do you want to reply?” her thumbs hover over the keys.
I snatch my phone back from her death grip, “I can type myself, dude.” God knows what she’d write if I left her to her own devices.
ShaJay: Hi Tony, thanks for the return like. Smooth line, too. I'll be honest, this is my first time on a dating app and it's a little nerve-wracking. So, in the interest of breaking the ice, would you rather be an unknown superhero or a famous villain?
“That's a weird but oddly good question! Also, why is your username ShaJay?” Elle asks.
“Famous villain,” Jaime punctuates with a nod. “And we don't want to give out her real full name for weirdos to be able to Google. I don't imagine there are many Shari Joneses out there.”
“Good point.”
Funnily enough, none of us feel the need to question Jaime's villain answer. It tracks.
Tony_Sparky: I love this question! It's a tough one, because I'd be lying if I said I didn't want some recognition for any heroic acts, but ultimately I'd want to be the good guy so...unknown superhero. Would you rather live in a world where everyone is overly polite or overly honest?
ShaJay: Good answer! And this one's easy – overly honest. I grew up in Asia where you get honest opinions whether you want them or not, so I'm used to it
Tony_Sparky: That's actually so true! I went to Singapore once and was told by a total stranger that I looked like a fat Justin Bartha. I didn't know who he was, but I wasn't even fat!
The girls and I burst out laughing because that is just about the most Southeast Asian interaction the poor guy could have had.
Tony and I end up messaging back and forth for the next few days, so when he asks me to meet for a drink the next weekend, I agree.