La’Nova #3
“I don’t want to depend on him though, nor be tied down.” She whined.
“Then you make things like that clear instead of giving a person false hope. He’d respect you more if you were upfront from jump,” I scolded.
“I don’t even know what I am anymore,” she said suddenly.
I paused mid-bite and frowned.
“What you mean by that?” I chewed slowly.
“I think I’m pansexual.”
I almost spit my half-chewed watermelon out. Clearing my throat, I swallowed my food and looked at nothing in particular. Serenity was so many things, but I never thought she’d think she was pansexual.
“So that means you’d fuck a door?” The corners of my lips quirked.
“Girl, fuck you.” She giggled.
I joined in laughing because this girl was super freaked out.
“No for real.” She cleared her throat getting serious.
“I been thinking about it for a while… Like it ain’t about gender for me.
It’s about connection and who see and understand me without trying to control me.
Years ago… I never had the proper space to figure what it was I wanted.
I don’t want no man or woman telling what box I’m supposed to fit inside of,” she added.
“You don’t have to fit inside a box, Serenity.” I sighed.
“Women like us didn’t grow up exploring identity. We were pushed right into survival mode… Now that we have free will, it’s up to us to not box our own selves in rather than blaming the next person for trying to do it,” I preached effortlessly, amazed at my own words.
“That makes sense,” she huffed out loudly. “God.” She sniffled.
“I have a problem, I told Roy after I witnessed the hurt in his eyes… It’s a problem that I don’t want to fix.” She finally admitted to something that I’ve been noticed about her.
“I’m addicted to sex, and it’s not because of my past. I love to fuck, Nova. When I first met you at House Of Angels, I was attracted to you.”
I rolled my eyes hard because this wasn’t new knowledge to me. Serenity would flirt all the time with me until I had to check her ass.
“Sometimes I want to hump on wet pussy and have a woman take me down… then a lot of times I want dick. Different people bring on different pleasures. Some are better than others, I don’t know how to explain it and I know I sound crazy, but I love the power sex gives me…
the look in a person’s eyes when they fucking me. I can edge and I can—”
“Enough,” I cut her off immediately.
Serenity’s voice sounded sultry like she was trying to seduce me by making her voice low and sexy. It had no effect on me but I didn’t want to hear the details of her so-called sick issues.
“Get you a therapist, and if that’s not the route that you are trying to go, be honest with people,” I continued.
I rubbed my stomach again in slow gentle circles without thinking.
My baby shifted slightly under my palm like she was trying to communicate that she was tired of hearing me and Serenity’s conversation.
I stood and stretched then waddled over to my full length body mirror to look myself over before excusing myself off of the phone.
“I know, I’m going to start being more upfront… I just miss Roy. He hasn’t answered none of my calls or even tried popping up. It’s hurting me,” she continued to whine in the phone.
I looked at my full face then down at my wide swollen body and smiled.
I recalled all the negative things other expecting mothers said about carrying a girl and felt like I hadn’t experience none of it.
People said girls took away your beauty.
My daughter enhanced mine; my skin had a natural glow to it.
Most of my weight went to my breasts and stomach.
My arms got thicker and so did my thighs. I looked down at my swollen ankles then flexed my toes.
“You getting quiet again,” Serenity said.
“I got a meeting,” I uttered softly.
“My baby could come any day now, and I just want things perfect,” I said, more so to myself.
“I know, I’m already making plans to come up there next week. I can get a hotel and stay for a month and work out of the hotel… I’m not taking no for an answer either. You need someone in your corner.” She rushed the words out, probably in fear of me cutting her off.
“I’m meeting with Balani about that today. Tomorrow I’m doing interviews with a couple of doulas,” I reassured her.
“What the fuck is a doula?”
“It’s like a nighttime nanny. They’ll handle nighttime feeding and changing the baby diaper while I get good rest. Balani suggested it. He said it’ll help since I was worried about postpartum.”
“You really like Balani, huh?”
“I do.” I smiled warmly.
“I’m happy you’re in a better headspace than before… I uhh…” she teetered over her words.
My stomach churned,. I could already sense Serenity getting ready to say something that I simply didn’t want to hear.
“I think you should reach out to—”
I hung the phone up before she could utter his name. That was some coward punk shit on my behalf. An uneasy feeling hit me next, my intuition never told me no lies. Besides my daughter brewing in my stomach… something else was on the horizon.