Amaris
YOU BLESSED BABY.
Hot water loosened the tension and anger I’d been carrying all week. The feeling alone almost made me emotional because it finally felt good to feel it releasing from my body. Steam filled my bathroom thick and heavy while the music I had blasting sounded like a live concert.
My father was the main cause for my stress and anxiety levels being sky-high all week. I inhaled the eucalyptus steam then exhaled, thinking about how Keisha’s annoying ass was right about me needing a damn life and also about getting laid.
This would be the first Friday in a long time that I decided to take the weekend off.
Mentally, I needed a damn weekend to myself.
I didn’t want to deal with customers nor employees…
most of all, I didn’t want to think about Jeremiah Reeds, although that would end up being a hard task since I was living in his house.
In a way, I hated I grew up under my dad all the time.
Nobody told me being a daddy’s girl meant that the same man who teaches you what love looks like, can also be the first one to show you how it breaks.
With my dad, it was never intentionally.
Love from a man like him came with shit that made your nerves bad as hell.
He’d go days and sometimes weeks missing.
Unanswered phone calls really drove me up the wall.
I’d stay up some nights staring at the time on my phone with a sick feeling twisting my insides up so bad, that I’d throw up from all the horrible thoughts that came with him not at least telling me he was okay.
I always felt like when he went silent that it meant something bad.
As a little girl, I saw a king, he was my superhero… As a woman, I saw the cost of the crown he refused to give up because of pride and selfishness. I found myself always thinking I could protect him no matter what when I knew deep down inside it wasn’t possible.
Although I tred to prepare myself for the worse with him, I knew that if something ever happened, I’d lose my damn mind. He was all I had, literally. The only person I was taught besides God to trust. My momma taught me what real absence felt like, and my dad taught me how to survive it.
I remember each time vividly getting my heart broke over and over by the woman that I refuse to acknowledge now.
A kid can always sense when an adult didn’t like them or just had dark energy attached to them.
My mom was the type of woman that made everything about a nigga, down to keeping a baby just because she thought it would keep the nigga she cherished.
She never gave a fuck about me. My father used to kneel in front of me every time Karlissa left to tell me…
“Don’t ever question if you’re loved, Mari…
I see that hurt in your eyes but you gon’ always have me a hundred percent.
So don’t beg that bitch for love, don’t ever chase after her if she don’t give that shit to you freely.
That’s why she’ll always be miserable and bitter because she refuses to do right by you. ”
I listened to him every time, even when it hurt.
Because my mother had a way of appearing like a storm that never stayed long enough to water anything.
She’d come around when it was convenient.
When she thought her presence in my life would pull at him.
I used to beg my dad to be nice and let her stay just so I could have her in the house.
It felt normal somewhat to see her cooking.
Although it would crush me to see her looking at him with love shining bright in her eyes then at me as if I were a burden and a sacrifice she chose to have in order to keep him…
I wanted her, even loved her… I just wanted her to want and love me too.
Her eyes never stayed on me long, and when they did land on me, all I saw was emptiness.
I couldn’t even remember ever hearing her say she loved me, but I couldn’t count how many times I said it to her.
It wasn’t until she missed my big fifteenth birthday party that my dad had thrown for me that I decided to cut her off.
I told myself that all I had was Jeremiah because he never let me question where I stood with him.
Whenever I cried about her to him, he never dismissed it.
He’d hold me for however long it took for me to feel better each time about her lack of love, care, and even concern for me.
My dad wasn’t perfect, but to me, he was worth the extra stress.
He did the best he could although sometimes his best wasn’t enough.
I need a drink and sleep… I thought to myself. I had already put my phone on do not disturb. Tasha would be stepping in my position for the weekend as well as tonight, and I already knew if I didn’t silence my phone and keep it face down, she’d blow me up all night just to gossip.
Water rolled down my back while I tilted my face under the showerhead and let out a long breath I felt like I’d been holding for days.
The sound of Tems’ soulful voice continued to relax me further as I made a mental note to set an appointment for a retwist. I had regrowth like crazy.
I despised when I abandoned my own self-care then end up hating looking at myself in the mirror at the evidence of doing such.
I squeezed shampoo all over my locs and worked it through my locs slowly while singing along terribly loud about freeing my mind like I was in a concert.
For some reason when you sung in the bathroom, it made you typically sound like you could really blow for real.
I shut my eyes and continued to sing, placing my mind somewhere else.
I imagined myself wearing a beautiful gown, dreads pulled up in a neat bun as I performed for thousands of people.
I imagined them throwing roses and my thoughts got wilder as I visualized fine grown men fainting from my vocals.
I giggled lowly as I washed the shampoo out and shook my head at the last part of my imagination.
If grown men ever decided to faint while I performed anything, I’d think the shit was too feminine, which would end up being an automatic turn off. I hit another high note and missed it.
“Nahhhh.” I laughed at myself, blinking water from my eyes. “That ain’t it.”
I tried to hit it again until…
“Damn Breasturant, you killing me, ma! Hurry the fuck up and get out the shower so I can get the fuck out this steamy ass bathroom.”
“Ahhhhhhhh!” I screamed until my lungs burned.
I went through a series of emotions. Warm pee trickled down my legs before I almost lost my balance.
With my hands pressed flat against the tile, I struggled with catching my breath.
My heart pounded so hard and fast inside my chest like that it felt like I was getting ready to have an heart attack.
I was far from delusional. I never partook in any kind of mind-altering drugs.
So I knew for a fact that the deep rugged voice that just yelled over the music inside of my bathroom didn’t belong to my dad.
My gun was inside of my closet, too far away for comfort.
“Step out that mutha fucka slow but fast. I ain’t got all night, and I’m pretty sure yo daddy want to lick his wounds so he can work on getting me my mutha fuckin bread,” the voice bellowed again.
“Royal…” I whispered to myself in disbelief.
What the fuck is he doing here? I panted.
“I ain’t gon’ remain a gentleman too long…” he spat out coldly.
“Nigga.” My head snapped back like he slapped me. “How the fuck is you a gentleman to begin with?” I cocked my head to the side, eyes still focused on the tile wall in front of me.
“You in my home! In my fuckin’ bathroom! What—”
“Man, shut the fuck up and get out before I get nutty,” he thundered.
The music stopped abruptly which let me know he held the power button down until my JBL speaker cut off.
Wait… this nigga said my dad…wounds? My mouth went dry. Suddenly, I didn’t want to go back and forth with Roy. He mentioned my dad seconds ago but I was too caught up in realizing that he was inside of my bathroom.
“You don’t understand who you about to meet…I uhh, once was around Luca… he’s quiet and dangerous… R-Roy is different from him.”
Tasha’s words replayed in my head before I turned slowly, snatching my towel that hung over my head. Not caring about the water still running, I wrapped it tightly around me then slid the gliding glass door open slowly.
Roy stood in my bathroom like a hallucination wearing a tailored suit. My heart slammed hard against my ribs as we locked eyes. Seconds later, he licked his thick cinnamon-colored lips and smirked cockily.
“I can still see one of them big ass jugs.” He nodded his head, eyes focused on what I thought was covered titties.
My eyes dropped down to my chest, and sure enough one of my big ass melons hung out the side of the towel.
I quickly twisted the towel until I felt the warm air kiss one of my ass cheeks.
Meanwhile, Roy just stood there looking like a tall chocolate Greek god, wearing a charcoal black suit and tie.
He looked so calm it pissed me off immediately.
The suit jacket hugged his broad shoulders perfectly.
He tugged at the bottom of his beard that was perfectly aligned.
I hated how fine the nigga looked, down to the waves spinning neatly all around his big ass head.
Even the steam had the nerve to curl around him slowly, making him look even more enchanting.
I licked my lips, hoping like hell he didn’t catch me drooling over his big tall ass then managed to pick up my feet to walk in his direction to get past him.
“Nah.” His hand moved swiftly, producing a gun from his hip. “You move when I tell you to move.” He clicked his teeth.
“Any wrong move, gon’ get them dreads knocked off.” He snarled.
“You out your damn mind?” I snapped back, clutching my towel tighter against my chest.
“Nah, I knocked before entering,” he said nonchalantly.
Yeah… he’s crazy! All type of alarms start going off in my head.