Luca #4
I knew it was a stupid thing to say, there wasn’t enough time left for breathing.
Her head rolled slightly against my arm while blood stained the corner of her red painted lips.
She tried smiling at me, and it broke me when I saw panic then sadness take over her face.
A lone tear rolled down her cheek, and for a split second, it felt like I saw the real her again.
I didn’t see Lucille Bonetti, the pure evil, power driven, great manipulator… I saw what I used to know as a loving mother that kissed my wounds whenever I hurt myself. The mother that tucked me into bed and told me she loved me before cutting the lights out.
“You okay,” I lied roughly like a parent did their child when they knew they weren’t okay at all.
I swallowed hard against the pressure burning in my throat and leaned closer to her face and whispered again.
“You okay.”
Her black curls spilled across my arm while she fought for air that wasn’t staying inside her lungs anymore. I could hear Roy’s deep sniffles. I knew he was crying quietly already.
Lucille’s fingers twitched weakly against my chest before she forced her eyes open enough to look at me again. Her lips trembled slightly as she winced out in pain.
“I…” She struggled.
I tightened my hold on her instinctively.
“Don’t talk,” I whispered, but she kept trying anyway.
It wouldn’t be Lucille if she didn’t get the last word.
“I did…” She whispered painfully. “Love you…”
It felt like my chest cracked wide open.
“Just not enough, Luca…” Her words were faint.
We locked eyes as one last weak smile graced her face before her body went still, eyes still slightly open.
I felt it happen before I accepted it. The tension left her fingers first. Then her chest stopped moving.
Her weight settled completely into my arms like her soul quietly stepped away before the rest of her caught up.
I sat on the marble floor holding my now dead mother while her blood still soaked through my shirt. My jaw locked so hard it hurt as I swallowed my emotions down violently, because if I let even one tear out, I wouldn’t be able to stop them.
Roy approached slowly after a minute that felt like a lifetime. He didn’t hide his tears and there was no shame evident on his face from crying. His red stained eyes stared down at Lucille in my arms like he couldn’t believe she was actually gone.
Roy and I loved hard. We had that in common since kids. He crouched beside us slowly and rubbed both hands down his face before speaking.
“Luca…” his voice cracked.
I couldn’t bring myself to take my eyes off of her and answer him. My throat felt like it was closed shut; everything inside of me felt tight, desperate for a release.
“Let me take her to bed, brother.” Roy’s hand touched my shoulder carefully.
Brother… I repeated in my head. That was another thing used to hurt us.
I looked down at Lucille again, and it looked like death respected her. She still looked beautiful and more at peace. I placed one hand over her opened eyes and closed them. Despite everything she did and destroyed, this was still the woman who gave me life.
“Let me take her so you can get back home to Novae.” Roy tried again and this time it worked.
The mention of Novae eased the tension in my chest. I looked at Lucille one last time then leaned down mechanically to place a small peck against her forehead.
“It’s too bad you didn’t love me enough…because I once loved you with everything in me.” I painfully admitted.
Roy scooped her up from my arms as if she was light as a feather. I closed my eyes for one second to long before finally nodding once in recognition. I let her go and watched Roy carry her away.
I noticed how Roy carried her carefully away despite everything she did to us.
He was going to say his own personal goodbye to her but didn’t want to do it in front of me.
I stayed sitting on the marble floor long after they disappeared.
My hands rested against my knees as I inhaled the faint scent of her floral perfume.
I leaned my head back then closed my eyes because this was the ugly closure I needed. Lucille had to go. There was no second-guessing that. I felt no regret either and I didn’t need to convince myself of the why’s. I knew she had to go long before she killed Di Lucas.
I knew this shit soul deep.
She would have buried me herself while fixing my tie inside of a casket just to secure her position that she wanted so badly. That’s who she truly was underneath motherhood and pearls, along with her expensive perfume. I stared at her empty seat and thought about Novae.
Tonight, the cycle of what was rooted inside this house had ended. I rubbed my hands slowly over my face and exhaled shakily. My niece and nephews faces flashed through my mind next. Every child connected to the Bonetti bloodline deserved something Roy and I never got.
Love without fear attached to it. Safety without manipulation. I wanted them laughing, happy, loved and feeling secure.
I looked down at Lucille’s blood one last time and felt my body finally unclench itself around something it carried too long.