Royal #2
I needed his body gone before I disrespected it right in front of her. I wasn’t worried about neighbors smelling the pungent smell of Ronald since other surrounding estates were miles apart from another. I focused back on her and my vision almost blacked out.
You weren’t there to protect her…
“You couldn’t save me when I never wanted to be saved in the beginning.” She read my emotional thoughts.
“I feel free, relieved… I’m crying because I feel so guilty for being so weak for a man that never loved me. He stayed because it was convenient… and I was the easiest to control,” she confessed.
“It’s okay,” I started.
“It’s not,” I stated gravely.
“I don’t fault you… I just wished I was the one to kill him. You didn’t need his blood on your hands,” I gritted out, trying my best to simmer my anger down.
Her fingers trembled too badly to hold the cigarette up in her hands, so I took it from her. I stubbed it out in the ashtray full of cigarette butts then grabbed her shaky hand in mine.
“Ma.”
Her swollen eyes lifted toward me.
“My men gon’ take care of everything,” I reassured her confidently, voice void of emotion.
“Don’t worry about the house or having to be alone in it… You coming home with me. Later down the line, if you want another house, I’ll get you whatever you want. Just don’t break completely on me, please,” I begged, feeling like the little boy I used to be begging her to leave him.
“I don’t want to be a burden.” She shook her head.
That comment pissed me off. It sounded too close to her trying to apologize.
“You coming with me. You my momma, the woman that raised me,” I reminded her.
I never came to her about me knowing about Lucille being my real mom because she still didn’t deserve the acknowledgment as that after her rejection back at my house.
Amanda Lee was my mother and would always be, even after death.
I watched fresh tears slip down her bruised cheeks. I reached out and wiped them away.
“I’m getting you settled in my house. I’ll have a doctor come look at you; whatever you need and whatever I know you need, it’s done.” I looked her in the eyes as she looked away.
“Thank you, Royal… I don’t want to be alone for a while,” she confessed.
“You won’t be.”
Her eyes closed briefly after that like hearing those words finally allowed her mind and body to ease up a bit.
She nodded her head yes; I stood up and slid one arm beneath her knees while the other wrapped carefully around her back.
The second I lifted her into my arms; anger cursed through every cell in my body again.
She felt too light. Just holding her in my arms told me that she lost at least twenty pounds.
Momma was slim all her life but how she weighed in my arms felt like she purposely started starving herself out of depression.
Her body curled weakly against my chest, and she buried her head in the crook of my neck.
Brutal stepped back in quietly while I carried her out the kitchen and toward the front door.
I heard Tabari already on the phone talking lowly behind me. Right before I stepped outside, Amaris’s voice replayed inside my head clear as day.
“You the type of nigga that need to feel something.”
I stopped walking because a nigga like me yearned to feel something safe and nontoxic. I wanted to feel anything but the anger, hurt, and resentment that I carried buried deep in my bones for years.
Amaris’s words were right, because right now I felt relief.
It wasn’t just because Ronald’s bitch ass was dead.
God knew I wouldn’t have survived finding her body instead of his.
A piece of me still felt guilty like somehow, I failed her, even after her and Ronald failed me over and over throughout my childhood.
They failed me so bad that violence was normalized for me.
I couldn’t stop the protective instinct living inside of me.
I didn’t know how to turn the shit off, even if I wanted to.
I was groomed for it, and eventually, I became built for it.
That’s probably why Amaris saw through me so fast. I carried my pain like it had purpose.
Standing frozen holding my battered mom, I realized that I’d always carried pain that way because it was stomped into me.
I continued out the door, breaking out of my thoughts.
The cold air hit us immediately, brushing against my face while the porch light casted long dark shadows across the driveway.
Brutal hurried ahead, opening the back passenger door of my truck before I reached it.
My mom shook slightly in my arms when the wind caressed her bruises.
Brutal offered his arms after stepping away from the door.
“I got her. Burn this bitch down later in the night,” I instructed him.
He nodded before walking away. Gently, I lowered her into the back seat. I supported her head while adjusting the stale robe around her thin body. She winced as she shifted to her side against the leather seats.
“Do you feel comfortable?” I leaned over her legs carefully.
She nodded faintly then closed her eyes. I kissed the back of her hand then shut the back door. I stood there for a second, staring through my tinted window at her frail body curled sideways on my leather seats, looking overly exhausted.
Soon as I hopped in my driver’s seat, I rubbed both hands roughly down my face trying to ground myself. My emotions felt too close to the surface. Lately, it had been too much death mixed with grief. Too many realizations of certain truths that I had a hard ass time facing.
I grabbed my phone from the middle console and called Luca. He answered on the second ring like always.
“Roy,” he whispered.
I stared out the windshield toward the house one last time before speaking.
“Vacation,” I said gravely.
I was met with silence after I uttered the words. Luca knew what the word meant and it didn’t mean a literal vacation. It meant some shit personally happened that I would inform him about later, but I planned on going off the grid for a while.
“You good?” Luca exhaled slowly on the other end.
I looked in the rearview mirror at my momma sleeping peacefully in my backseat.
“Nah,” I admitted.
Luca stayed silent for a second. It was the same brotherly silence we shared when we stayed on the phone saying absolutely nothing but supporting each other when we needed it the most.
“How long you need?” He asked calmly.
I leaned back against the seat tiredly.
“A couple weeks maybe… I won’t be around for Thanksgiving either,” I confessed.
“It’s my mom—”
“Take all the time you need. Me and the twins will come by to see you tomorrow.” He cut me off, already knowing what I needed to hear.
I remained silent, gnawing on my inside cheek until it felt raw.
“She with you now?” Luca pressed.
“She is… not doing too well. You were right… I should have—”
“No should haves. Take care of her. I’ll be by to help, Royal,” he reassured me.
I started the car, put the phone on speaker then set it in the middle console.
Saying nothing else, I rolled away silently with Luca still sitting on the phone quietly.
The sound of Novae’s baby coos and the twins playing with her soothed my frazzled nerves.
What kept me grounded the most, was my brother remaining on the phone with me until I made it home.