Chapter Five
When I was a child, Aunt Grace would sit with me and tell me stories. She was so much more patient than my mother, who was always rushing about and couldn’t sit still. Mam was what people used to call a nervous wreck in those days. One of those women with a lot of nervous energy. I am sure she would have been given a different diagnosis today.
Aunt Grace was so different in that way. She was always a patient lady with a vivid imagination. She would tell me stories about unicorns in faraway lands and fairies at the bottom of the garden. She didn’t need to read me a book to tell me a story; she would capture it all in her imagination and tell it to me as if recalling an actual event that she had witnessed first-hand. Sometimes I wonder if imagination is genetic. I mean, of course, a robin does not land in your garden to send you a message; it’s hardly a carrier pigeon.
Still, the next day and the day after that, every time I go into the garden, there is the little robin, staring at me. In fact, as I am having breakfast, the robin lands on the windowsill and looks straight at me through the window as I eat my cornflakes. What on earth does it want with me? I have already saved it and fed it; hasn’t it got little robin friends of its own? Or is it a loner too? Perhaps that is the common bond we have.
The robin stares at me so much that I decide enough is enough – I shall take my uniform back to Charlotte today and get it over with. That should prevent the robin from stalking me any further and will mean that one of my dreaded tasks is done. Since I can’t face the Christmas queue at the post office, I decide I will quickly drop it at the front door of the bank and hope none of my former colleagues spot me.
Despite being under the watchful eye of the robin, it takes all day to find the courage to drive to the bank and face the outside world one more time. Since morning, I have done everything to procrastinate. I slowly opened my advent calendar and even chatted with Ken as he stood on the doorstep with today’s post. He had his Christmas Santa hat on today and reminded me how many days were left until Christmas. Why does everyone have to be so cheery at this time of year?
By the time I eventually reach the bank, it is practically closing time.
I get to the big front door and throw the bag with the uniform into the side of the building where the security guard normally stands. I only hope they don’t think it’s a suspicious package and they open the worn old carrier bag I found under the sink before anyone panics and calls a bomb disposal expert out. I plan on messaging Charlotte to say where it is as soon as I get back in the car as I don’t want to have to meet her with it. Hopefully, she can then send me my final settlement before Christmas with any luck, which will keep me going for a while longer. But then I hear a voice that sends all my careful plotting into disarray.
‘Hey, Olivia. Is that you?’
I try to rush away, but it’s too late.
‘Olivia, hi.’
I am cornered like a frightened rabbit. My eyes stare wildly as I see Paul, one of the cashiers I used to work alongside. Oh, please, no. Even the queue in the post office would have been better than this. I thought they’d all be busy. I knew I should have got here earlier.
‘Hello, I knew it was you. How’s things?’ he asks.
‘Fine. All okay.’
‘We’ve all been worried about you. We’ve tried calling, but your phone was off.’
I decide not to explain that I threw my mobile phone into the river after Craig left. What did I need it for? I certainly no longer required all those stupid social media apps. Who wants to post on Facebook that their husband has run off on Christmas Eve whilst everyone else is enjoying themselves with their families? And imagine if Josephine came up as a suggested contact and we had mutual friends. I don’t think I could forgive them for betraying me. I have my laptop for my bank account, and quite frankly, it has been very peaceful without a mobile phone. Nowadays, though, you can’t say that without sounding like some kind of oddball. But I’ll bet any money that, in reality, there are a good few people who would love to throw their phone in the river and enjoy the freedom that it brings. To be on the safe side, though, I give Paul the highly shortened version of why nobody has been able to get hold of me on there.
‘I lost my phone.’
‘Aww, how inconvenient. I’d die without mine.’
‘I’m sure you wouldn’t die. You’d be surprised how well you can manage. We never had mobiles when I was growing up, and we just enjoyed the moment.’
‘Right.’ Paul looks at me as though I have two heads and I realise I probably should have kept that bit quiet to such a social media queen. Of all people, Paul would be the last to understand.
‘Well, you’re here now. What’s your new number? We need to arrange a lunch,’ he says.
‘Oh, I didn’t bother replacing it. Been busy, you know. Haven’t had a chance to think about what type of new phone I want.’
‘You must have been busy. I can’t go anywhere without my mobile.’
That is because he is so popular. He never stops messaging people and people never stop messaging him.
‘So, what’s kept you so busy then?’
I think about how I can answer this innocuous question. I can’t tell him that I sit about in my onesie all day. I consider telling him how I feed the wildlife out at the mill, but don’t want to sound as though I am some kind of modern-day Snow White.
‘A bit of this and that, you know.’
Paul waits in silence for me to give more away so I find myself anxiously babbling about the wildlife.
‘If wildlife gets injured, I help them and things. You’d be surprised how busy I am taking care of the garden, and the vegetables too… In fact, I don’t have a second to sit down.’
‘Well, that’s wonderful to hear. I’m sure, umm, gardening is very rewarding. But I hope you have some time off right now. We’re all off for Christmas drinks. Can you join us? Please say yes.’
‘Oh, no. I have to rush home.’
‘Just one drink? Surely, you can manage that?’
‘I’ve got the car.’
‘Well, have a Coke or something.’
‘No, sorry. I have to go.’
‘Oh, come on. We can have a catch-up. I’ve got so much goss to tell you.’
Paul and I used to have so much fun. He always knew everything about everyone and would fill me in on all his weekend gossip on a Monday morning after a wild weekend. I don’t know why I feel so strained talking to him now. But I suppose that was before, and now I have changed. I feel like some emotionless zombie. I would have jumped at the chance of work drinks a few years ago.
Suddenly, I feel someone grab my arm and take me by surprise. I look around to see Cheryl, who works in the back office.
‘Hey, I didn’t know you were coming with us for drinks, that’s brill.’
‘No, no. That’s not why I’m here.’
This is just my luck. Why did I pick today of all days to drop my uniform back?
‘Aww, it doesn’t matter. You’re here now. It’d be lovely to have a catch-up.’
‘Yeah, that’s what I was just saying,’ interrupts Paul.
‘Sorry, I can’t. I’ve left someone at home who isn’t very well. I’ve got to get back.’ I use the little robin, who is now perfectly fine, as an excuse to escape. Immediately, I realise that I have once again made an excuse instead of saying the truth. I should have been stronger and just said no. But at least I am pleased with myself for not going along for drinks just to keep everyone else happy and doing something I really didn’t want to.
‘What a shame. Well, please don’t be a stranger. Let’s arrange a night out soon, yeah? Paul can tell you all about his latest dating escapade. I promise you’ll die laughing.’
Paul giggles beside Cheryl. ‘You will die. It could only happen to me.’
Even though I am very fond of them all, I smile and get away from them before they try to persuade me to name a date. They will have their own fun and certainly don’t need me. Paul always did know how to spin a yarn in the pub when we went for after-work drinks once a month. I start to remember how much I truly enjoyed those evenings. But it’s fine. I have the mill and that’s where I want to be. My onesie is beckoning me.
When I get home thirty minutes later, I get changed into my lovely cosy onesie and think about the wonderful time all my ex-colleagues will be having right now and wonder why I was so scared of joining them. The fact is that there most certainly isn’t anything waiting for me at home; even little robin seems to have gone wandering about, and I would quite welcome his stalking right now. I walk around the room, considering what I can do with myself and then see Aunt Grace’s snow globe. I give it a little shake and watch as Prague Castle disappears under the flakes of snow.
As I think about heading out to the garden to check how frozen over the pond is, the house phone rings. It can only be Dewi as I have done everything Charlotte needed.
As usual, I answer the phone holding it far away from me, scared of what is on the other side.
‘Ms Edwards, it’s Dewi.’
‘Hello, I thought it was you. You’re the only one who rings me.’
‘See, now that is exactly why you need to go to Prague.’
I ignore his remark.
‘Now, I’m just checking you’re all organised. Anything you need from me?’
‘I still haven’t made my mind up. I haven’t confirmed I am going.’ I feel pleased with myself for saying what I really think.
‘If you don’t go, I will personally hold your hand and take you myself. I might even be able to put it down as a business trip.’ Dewi laughs down the phone while I stand there horrified. Does he really think I need someone to hold my hand? I am highly independent!
‘Alright, I’ll go. Anything to stop you going on at me.’
‘Aww, don’t be like that. It’s for your own good. I promise. It’s what your lovely aunt wanted for you. She was always right, don’t you think?’
I think of Aunt Grace warmly. She was indeed always right and could work people out immediately. She seemed to have a knack for it. She never liked Craig; I could see it in her eyes, even if she wasn’t particularly vocal to me about it.
‘Now, can I arrange a taxi for you? I want to ensure this all goes smoothly, as per your aunt’s request.’
‘I suppose I will need a way to get to the airport.’ Although, the thought of a taxi pulling up and taking me away from here is dreadful.
‘Right, well, she has incredibly generously arranged the money for a car to take you directly to the airport to make sure you get there without any hassle. So, leave me sort all the arrangements; all you have to do is get in the car. I know you’re struggling with this so I’m going to help you every step of the way.’
‘Sure.’
‘You know, you could try some enthusiasm, Ms Edwards. Most people going on an all-expenses-paid trip are ecstatic. Come on, time to drum up some excitement and get packing. It’ll be cold this time of year, don’t forget.’
Oh, what have I got myself into here?
As soon as I get off the phone, I return to my mission of checking on the pond and plan to look for the robin. I tell myself that if he is there then it is a sign that I must go to Prague. If he is not there then it is a sign that I should stay home for Christmas. I choose it this way around as I know full well that there has been no sign of it since I returned from town. So, I already know the answer. I’ll make something up to Dewi. I obviously won’t tell him the robin sighting was what contributed to my decision.
But, as I walk around the corner of the patio, there he is, staring straight up at me.
Tweet tweet . He looks up at me as if to say, ‘Off you go. You’re going to Prague.’
I roll my eyes and go back indoors. I can’t leave my fate up to a robin; I will have to think of some excuse. I am so stressed about all of this that I am desperately in need of chocolate, so I reach for my advent calendar. I have now opened most of the little windows. There aren’t many chocolates left. It seems the countdown has begun, not only for Christmas but also for my petrifying trip to Prague.