Chapter 52
Happiness is...
“Darren?” Grey squeezed my shoulder firmly. “You’re dreaming, Darren. Wake up. Sorry, I took longer than I planned.”
I slowly opened my eyes, still in his bed, with the TV blaring as a concerned Grey hovered over me. Still panting, I touched my unbroken nose, oh so grateful I’d been dreaming...or nightmare-ing. “Sorry. I must have dozed off. I don't know why I fantasize or dream more when I’m around you.”
"Because you wish things were different between us." Freshly showered, wearing a t-shirt and sweats, he eased to lie beside me and brushed my straightened hair back. “What did you dream? You were tossing and mumbling.”
“It felt so real. Tatianna came here while you were in the shower, which was bad.
You were fighting on the patio. At first, I hid in here.
Then I went out there. She called Elle a bitch, which pissed you and me off.
Tatianna wanted to fight me, and when you wouldn't let her get at me, she said you hated me, and you only wanted to fuck me.
She punched me in the face, and then you were pissed with me, like everything she said about you hating me and using me was true.
" I beseeched, "Please say you forgive me for being a horrible friend to you...that you don’t hate me for keeping Elle a secret from you.” Impulsively, I kissed him, and his breath hitched.
“I don’t want to forgive you, and I don’t want to stay angry, either.
I'm always in this state of conflict.” His eyes blazed.
“I hate you for keeping my baby from me. Whenever she leaves me to go with you, that's one second less with her, and I miss her. I love that little girl. She is the me I dreamed I was as a child. I loved her from the first moment I saw her pic on your phone because she's mine and yours.” He touched his heart. “The pain I feel is beyond words that I missed out on so much of her life. Still missing out. Forgiveness is a day at a time.” He gently kissed the tears on my cheeks. “I’ll always love you, Darren. Forgetting that you betrayed me is another matter. I texted you out of a moment of weakness because I couldn’t stay away from you a moment longer.” He suddenly wrapped a tendril of my hair around his finger.
“Love when you wear your own hair. I see my Darren. Not his.”
“I understand your struggle to forgive me, and I promise to make things right between you and Elle as much as possible.” Feeling lightheaded at his heady nearness and remnants of my nightmare with Tatianna’s accusation that he just wanted to use me, I pressed against his chest. “I need to go.”
Grey didn’t budge. “Thought you were going to tell me what happened with Chelsea and Carter.”
I wryly commented, “Telling you about them while I’m in bed with you is the very definition of being hypocritical. Maybe that's why I got my ass knocked down in the dream.”
He propped his head up on his elbow. “We’re here now. Tell me what happened.”
I needed to escape his too-tempting presence before I succumbed to a man who wasn’t sure he could forgive me.
He looked and smelled too good. I pushed to sit up and rested my back on the leather headboard.
“My marriage may be over because my husband created another family with Chelsea out of guilt that she lost their first baby back in college. He donated his sperm so that she and her woman could have a family. Chelsea seems different, less bitter, warmer...motherhood can do that. Or maybe now that she’s in a relationship with a woman, she’s happier.
“She’s done with men?” Grey looked up at me. “I can believe she’ll try anyone, but to have a life with a woman is hard for me to picture.”
“I don’t know if she’s a lesbian, bisexual, or just open to whoever loves her.
Her partner is beautiful and seems nice.
She was not bitchy or mean at all, though I only saw her for a few seconds.
Maybe loving her has made Chelsea a better woman.
She would like us to be friends again, but I don’t see how that’s possible.
I also don’t know how to trust Carter again when he’s had this family for five years and treated me like I was crazy for questioning him when he moved differently.
” I tapped the space between us. “Yet, I’m here with you, hoping you can forgive me for betraying you while I can’t forgive Chelsea or Carter for making me feel like I made you feel.
I can apologize a thousand times, which won't remove the fact that I had held this big secret from my best friend.
" I sighed and tugged on his sleeve. "Seeing you and Elle is the best part of my life now.
She talks about you all the time. You've become her hero, too.
I'm so blessed and happy that you are in her life and that you love her so much.
I wiped my eyes, drying my tears. "And then I’m no better than Chelsea trying to fuck up your relationship.
In bed with you, wanting you to kiss me and.
.." I sniffed. "I may not care what Carter says about me being with you like this, but you have Tatianna. I can’t be a Chelsea to her and you.” I moved to the other side of the bed to get up, and he grabbed my wrist, sliding me back to him.
“I don’t have Tatianna anymore. We broke up the same night I saw you ducked down in the parking lot.” He kept a straight face, though I saw the humor lurking beneath.
My brown face had to be beet red. “I was hoping you didn’t see me.”
“Well, I did. How did you feel when you saw me with her?” At my silence, he insisted, “The truth, Darren. Damn. You expect everyone to tell you the truth, and you can’t be real with me.”
I rolled on my side to face him. “Fine. I was jealous out of my fucking mind. Everything in me burned. Don't get me wrong, Tatianna is cool. Just thinking you could do better.”
His eyes danced. “Oh, like you?”
“Your words, not mine,” I smirked.
“Well, you’re the main reason I ended our relationship.”
My heart beat faster as I whispered, “Why would you do that?”
“Because I felt like I was cheating on you when I noticed your car. I felt guilty when she was my woman. During practice, watching you in the stands cheering on Elle made me own up to the fact that I don’t love Tati the way I should, and she deserves to be deeply loved.
I tried because she wanted it to happen so badly.
And honestly, for a while, I did too.” He inhaled and slowly exhaled.
“These last two weeks without her have been hard, and I know once you leave, I’ll want to call her, so I don’t feel pain.
She’ll probably talk to me because she’s hurting too.
It’s an unhealthy, vicious cycle we’ve done before, and we have to move on from each other.
I needed to see you today to remind me why I ended our relationship. ”
“If you’re not sure you can forgive me, why break up with her?”
He cupped my chin. “I didn’t leave her hoping we’ll be together.
You’re still married and may stay married.
I meant what I said. I want you to be happy even if it’s not with me.
You gave me Elle. For that gift, maybe you and I have served our purpose to each other.
I told Tati about Elle the day I met her, and she was understandably angry and hurt.
I asked her to come to practice and meet her.
She told me she needed time and always left before you and Elle arrived.
My gut said that she would never accept my child, and my daughter would always be my priority over any woman.
Even you. It might seem crazy because I’m not a romantic like you, but being with you no longer matters.
” He corrected himself, “I mean that I don’t need to be married or in a relationship with you or any woman.
I’m happy right now. Just as I am. I am forever good in this space, in this world, and with that little girl. ”
Sadness gripped me as I lost him again. My finger traced the lines in his forearm and bicep. “You no longer want a relationship or marriage?”
He bit the corner of his lip before he achingly opened my mouth with his tongue.
The cool mint of his breath tangled with the heat he evoked in his kiss.
My sex clenched and unclenched painfully while desire pooled in my panties.
I wanted him and didn’t care if a part of him only wanted to use me.
I eased on my back. He pushed my dress over my hips and slid my panties down my legs so he could settle between my thighs.
His thick imprint pressed against my mound.
“Let me clarify for those people in the back row.” He gripped my thighs and lowered his head to teasingly lick my private, slick lips before staring down at me. “I am happy by my damn self because if it ain’t with you, I don’t want to be married.”
“I love you so much,” I breathed at the intensity of heat, desire, and love that shone from his eyes and pulled his head down to kiss him.
I moaned against his mouth and his tongue as I told him over and over how much I missed and loved him.
My hands roamed the ridges and muscles of his chest and back.
He broke the kiss long enough to pull his shirt over his head while I did the same for my dress.
All that remained were his joggers and my bra.
His kiss now was unrestrained and rough, and he clasped my wrists together and pushed them over my head. I wanted to touch and caress him. He had other plans as he demanded, “Keep them there.”
I complied and watched him cup my lace-covered breasts with both hands before pressing them together.
He bent his head, and his tongue lapped my nipples until they ached for his mouth.
Luckily, I had a front clasp, and he popped it open to truly indulge in my breasts.
I writhed and rocked my hips with the swirl of his tongue on my flesh.
He then licked my belly button on his way to my honey pot, needing his stinger.