Chapter 53 #2
LATER THAT EVENING, I heard Carter's deep, booming voice talking and eating with the children. I worked on the store budget in the office that we shared to pay bills and discuss any financial issues. He’d used this space more than I did until recently.
I pushed back from the desk, anticipating him walking through the house looking for me.
That habit hadn’t changed. He always greeted the children first. He would eat with them, play games, or watch TV if it wasn’t bedtime.
Usually, I let him spend time with them alone, knowing that he would look for me sooner or later.
The children would soon go to their respective rooms and prepare for bed.
I’d trained them well for such little people.
I rarely had to remind them to take baths and then go to bed before the large grandfather clock in the hall struck nine.
"Hey. Dinner was good." Carter strolled into the office, dressed in a dark suit, with an undone tie and a wide smile. “The Rams want to renegotiate my contract, and the money is insane. They somehow found out that I’ve been considering the Cowboys.”
“So, we’re not moving?” I asked, excited for him and the family.
He grabbed the back of the chair in front of the desk. “Love that you said ‘we’re.’ Glad you still think like a team.”
“We’ll always be a team, Carter. We share children.”
Carter’s jaw tightened, and he gripped the chair harder. “How long are you going to punish me? It’s been almost two months, and I don’t know where we stand.” He walked back to the door and locked it. "Let's move forward and have another baby."
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes and scream that we weren't in the place to have another child. "You've been asking me for a baby since the children were two, and now that I know about Sekani, I get it. You want a baby that's completely all yours."
He strode next to me and perched on the edge of the desk. "Yes. A baby that happened during our marriage that I know is mine and yours."
"We're not strong enough, Carter."
"We can be if you just try to forgive me." He looked down at me. "I love you."
“I love you too, but that didn't stop all of this mess our lives have become."
He pulled me up and moved me between his legs. "Then let's go to therapy."
"Why waste money when you can answer a simple question?"
Carter raised a brow. "What?"
"Why do you want to stay married to me?” I asked.
He twisted his lips. “Come on, Darren. You know I still love you and want this marriage and my family.”
I tapped his thighs. “Then why?”
Carter shook his head. “Tell me why you married me in the first place when you loved another man?”
Although he had asked me this question before, my answer would be different this time. “You were my chocolate dream. I married you because I always pictured my life complete with a husband and children. You gave me more than my dream. You gave me all of this.” I gestured around me.
His eyes became glossy. “You said nothing about me. Who I am or who I was." He bitterly retorted, "It didn’t matter if it was Joe Blow down the street who wanted to marry you. You wanted a husband and a father for your unborn children, and I fit the bill.”
“I could argue the same thing about you. I represented a good girl when you’ve been a bad boy wanting to be different.
I helped you be different. People would judge you differently with me by your side.
Even your mother had to admit that I was better than she believed you would choose.
We got so caught up in the vision of what it meant to have this marriage and family that who we are as individuals got lost along the way.
Neither of us wanted our children to grow up in a broken home.
I wanted to be like my parents, and you wanted to be better than yours.
You loved that I depended on you and that my world only existed of you and the children.
You could be the benevolent king of your castle, the head of your household, the husband and family man you wished you had growing up.
Despite that, you still felt a void. A man like you, likes challenges.
Got Chelsea to leave her man, and you won me from Grey.
” I interlocked my trembling hands together as I breathed life into the truth that kept him from telling me about Sekani in the first place.
“Now, you have Joi contemplating leaving her relationship.”
He stared unblinking at me for seconds, and I could see the wheels turning. Carter’s mouth formed a stern line, and he looked away and then back at me. “I ended things months ago, okay? She was the only woman I’d been with since you, and I became a couple in college.”
Relieved that he finally admitted he cheated, I exhaled and asked, “Did you want to end it?”
“Yes,” he answered quickly.
“Then why did you start it?”
“It just happened. Maybe I had the seven-year itch or something.” He shrugged but couldn’t meet my assessing gaze.
“It didn’t just happen, Carter. You have been careful in how you handle other women for years.
You might have started having sex with her recently, but you wanted her for much longer.
She was the ultimate challenge. A lesbian.
Possibly, you’re the first man or the first man in a long time she’s ever been attracted to.
Probably boosted your ego that you got her to have sex with you.
” I knew I was going too far, but I needed him to dig deeper than he seemed to want to.
Carter moved me away from him and stood up. “Don’t do that. Don’t lessen Joi to a challenge. She means more to me than that.'
I shot back, “What does she mean to you? It wasn’t just a one-time oops.
You didn’t care if I was hurt and kept going back to her until you thought you might lose me to Grey.
It’s why you were so understanding that night in the car coming back from the museum when I first found out he was engaged.
You finally understood how it felt to be in love with two people. ”
Carter hit the desk with his fist. “Do you still want to be married to me? I’m fighting for my marriage.
Are you? I’m fighting to come home to my wife and children, and you keep bringing up the past. Nothing else matters.
I fucked up, and it won’t happen again. I have no more secrets.
You have my word. I’m here with you until death do us part.
I can’t fail. I can’t fail you. I can’t fail my babies.
I...I... can’t be my father.” Tears suddenly ran down his cheeks.
He rarely cried. Embarrassed by his tears, Carter slunk into my recently vacated chair, covered his face, and sobbed.
I climbed into his lap, wrapped my arms around him, and pressed his head into my shoulder.
He apologized over and over, and I kept nodding, reassuring him.
When he seemed exhausted, I lifted his chin.
“Baby, please...please be honest with yourself. Tell me I make you truly happy. Not our marriage...our twins...or our families. Me. Just me. If I make you happy and you want to walk through this life with me by your side, I swear it’s you and me moving forward.
Grey won’t be an issue in our marriage anymore.
He knows Elle is his and is willing to take things slow with her.
Tell me it’s me and not Joi or some woman you haven’t met yet.
We deserve to be happy. I will always love and honor you for the man you’ve been to our children and me, no matter what you decide.
We can’t keep living in this image of what we believe a marriage looks like.
We have to be Carter and Darren. Just tell me you can do that with me, and we can go to therapy, and we can have another baby.
Tell me, please... and I’m here until death do us part, too. I’m all yours.”
Carter gazed into my eyes, straight to my soul, and captured my lips with his, and I melted into him.