Chapter 16
“I HAD A wonderful time.” Feeling pleasantly tired, Lila settled in the truck’s comfy seat.
“I’m glad you enjoyed yourself,” he said. “Everyone thought you were great.”
She wished there wasn’t the console between them, when all she wanted was to snuggle up against him. But she made do with his hand in hers.
“Your mom’s pies are amazing. I can’t believe she gave me a slice of each. I really hope I don’t eat them both tonight.”
Clint lifted a brow at her. “You’re serious.”
She just laughed, then remembered her earlier remark about salads getting old. How utterly thoughtless. She’d have to be more careful and not give anyone the wrong idea.
It wasn’t that she didn’t trust Clint. She hadn’t told anyone, not even Erin, God, especially not Erin. They’d made a pact to conquer Hollywood or die trying. They were in this stupid business for the long haul.
Lila couldn’t really explain to anyone that she’d lost her enthusiasm because she didn’t understand it herself yet.
Of course being stuck on location for eternity had something to do with it.
Plus it was the holidays, and she missed her family.
If she could just make it past Christmas, maybe all the doubt would go away and she’d be back to her normal self.
“Tell me about Seth,” she said. “How much younger is he than you?”
“Two years. But he acts like he’s twelve.”
Lila bit her lip. Clint hadn’t exactly been the paragon of maturity when it came to baiting Seth.
“He got into a little trouble in college, nothing big, he moved past it. Then a year after he graduated he joined the air force. Not a single word to any of us. Told us the day before he shipped out. It about killed my mom.”
“Well, obviously he isn’t career military.”
“No, he came home after four years.”
“So he works the ranch with you?”
“Sort of...when he feels like it. He’d lived in Billings for a while and keeps running back there. He’s kept himself away from the family for the most part. We’re not sure what’s going on with him. We’ve all tried talking to him, but he’s not saying.”
“Can’t be easy for him,” Lila said, laying her head back.
“Easy?” Clint gave her a sharp look. “What do you mean?”
“He’s got some big shoes to fill, given how amazing you and Nathan are. I’m sure that’s got to put on some pressure.”
“No, Seth is smart. He was one of those kids who didn’t have to study and still got better grades than Nathan and me.”
“Yeah, but you guys are ranchers. I mean, how important was it to—You know what? I have no idea what I’m talking about. I know nothing about ranchers or their mind-set or anything else.”
“Maybe not,” he said. “But humor me. Finish what you were going to say.”
“Look, I just met your family. I feel like a dope making any kind of observation.”
“An objective one is usually the best.”
Lila sighed. “You and Nathan seem to be more like your dad. The ranch, the land, you take pride in the work and preserving your home for future generations.” She brought her head up.
“And before you get the wrong idea, I’m not saying Seth doesn’t feel that way, too.
Obviously I don’t even know him. But coming up behind two older brothers who are making your dad and the Landers name proud. ..
“Well, it’s got to be tough. I’m guessing grades didn’t matter all that much to any of you. And of course I could be...full of beans.” Lila laughed softly, hoping she hadn’t offended Clint. He looked so solemn. “I hadn’t even heard that phrase before coming to Montana, can you believe that?”
Clint didn’t answer.
Feeling she’d overstepped and desperate to fill the silence, she couldn’t think of anything to say but, “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I’m just thinking about what you said. Seth and I had always been close, and you might have a point. I just wish I knew how to get him to open up about it.”
“I have a feeling, just watching him tonight, that he misses you all. That’s a start.”
“I hope so. For my mom’s sake.” Clint smiled. “For all our sakes. What about you?” he said. “Whose expectations are you trying to meet?”
“Erin’s,” she said without even thinking.
He probably thought she was joking. And that she had a lot of nerve dodging his question after psychoanalyzing his family.
Lila sighed. “Erin’s parents worked long hours, and she practically lived at our house when we were kids.
She’s as much a sister to me as Brit. Maybe even more, and yes, I feel horribly guilty saying that.
But it’s the truth. We used to be inseparable.
Since she met Spencer, things have changed, so you’re not getting a good picture of how close we used to be. ”
“I bet you’re still close.”
“Yes, of course, we are. Definitely. It’s just that.
..it might sound stupid, but I really don’t want to disappoint her.
We’ve shared the same dream for twenty years.
” Lila felt disloyal and sad just speaking the words.
“Hypothetically, because I’m not saying I want to quit, okay?
I’m not. I’m just trying to answer your question.
So, hypothetically, if I decided I wanted out, I would feel as if I was betraying Erin. ”
Clint didn’t speak for about a minute. Then all he said was, “Damn.”
“Yeah,” Lila said, sighing. “And my parents. They’ve always been supportive, never once discouraged me from studying drama.
They paid for my entire tuition for UCLA because they believe in me.
” She felt her throat tighten. She’d said too much.
What was wrong with her? They’d had such a nice evening, and she was ruining everything.
She forced a laugh. “I have no idea how we ended up here. I’m sorry I made this about me.
Because those aren’t even real issues.” She paused, grasping for something else to talk about.
“Why don’t you tell me more about Anne? You never mentioned knowing someone in the business. ”
Another long silence had her feeling prickly. Did it have to do with what she’d just told him? Or was it about Anne?
“Don’t be sorry,” he said finally. “I know you were trying to make me feel better about the whole Seth situation.”
Whether he really believed that, she had no way of knowing, but she was grateful just to be able to breathe again.
“Anne died a few years after they were married,” Clint said, and Lila winced.
“Every time Nathan was out of town on business, she’d go to Kalispell or wherever the regional theater was holding auditions.
She was my age, we were in school together and she loved drama class.
But she’d never said anything about wanting to be an actress.
According to her friend Bella, Anne had obsessed over whether she could’ve made it big.
Nathan felt as if he hadn’t known her at all.
For a while, he was a wreck. Three years later he met Beth, and she turned his world right again. ”
“Oh, that’s so sad about Anne. No wonder it got so quiet.”
Clint nodded. “I have a feeling he knows everything there is to know about Beth.”
“I’m sure,” she said, wondering how many people at that dinner table were thinking about her being an actress. Someone who would always be chasing her dream no matter what the cost. A woman who wasn’t right for Clint. Just another reason they were location lovers and nothing more.
She looked out the passenger window, her mood plummeting. She’d always tried to be honest with herself. She’d loved being with Clint tonight. With his family. It was all too easy to picture herself in his world.
Lila wanted kids. Even Erin didn’t know that because Lila couldn’t tell her. An actress looking for her big break didn’t commit career suicide by starting a family. So, yes, they were close, and yet they weren’t. Not if Lila wanted to keep a dream alive that she was no longer sure she wanted.
And then here was Clint. Gorgeous, kind, dependable, perfect.
Temporary.
Lila could just cry.
BY THE TIME they reached the motel, Lila had promised herself she wouldn’t be a buzzkill. She was going to make the most of their time left together. Tonight. Every night. Every minute they could be together.
She had her jacket off before the door closed. She tossed it, wound her arms around Clint’s neck and kissed him hard. She knew she’d surprised him, but he responded quickly.
He pulled her close and teased the seam of her lips until she opened them for him. His tongue swept inside her mouth. She tasted the faint sweetness of his mother’s apple pie. Lila met each slow stroke of his tongue with a caress of her own and pressed closer.
Breaking the kiss, he leaned back to look at her. His dark eyes searched her face as his mouth curved in a warm smile. Was he for real?
It would be so much simpler if he weren’t. She’d been asking herself that question since the barbecue. They’d met just over two weeks ago, and it was hard to separate reality from what she wanted to believe. She knew the answer. Even before tonight.
“It’s okay. I know you can’t stay.” She’d lied. It wasn’t okay at all.
“Why is that?”
“Your parents and grandmother...” She didn’t understand his bewildered expression. “They’ll know where you were...”
Clint smiled and slowly moved his hands up and down her back. The repetitive motion felt incredibly soothing.
“I guess we can set the alarm,” she murmured, wanting to close her eyes and just feel his hands while she daydreamed.
He raised his eyebrows in question.
“In case we fall asleep.”
His hands stopped at the top of her backside. “Do you have to work tonight?” he asked, frowning. “Or does this have to do with my curfew?”
Lila sighed. “I didn’t say that.”
“Listen, I hate that I’m still living with my folks, and I’d never rub anything in their faces. But I’m sure as hell not going to let them interfere with my private life.”
“I understand.” Lila lowered her arms from around his neck. When he didn’t release her, she rested her hands on his biceps. “The thing is, I really don’t want them to think poorly of me.”