Chapter 29
I couldn’t believe I did that.
Literally threw a glass of water in Adam’s face. It might not even have been his water. Or Essie’s. Maybe it was a stranger’s water and now he had a face full of a stranger’s germs. Gross.
What the hell was wrong with me?
I never did things like that. Never. Dad had deemed any show of female emotion to be too much, so I had learned to siphon big feelings into palatable, carefully chosen words. The more I felt, the more cautious and deliberate I became. It served me well with horses, even if I resented the hell out of it when it came to people. Because I wasn’t hotheaded and brash, no matter what Dad said.
Until tonight. Until Adam.
Essie had told me she wouldn’t do anything with Adam, and I believed her. But that hadn’t stopped me from losing my shit when she plopped his hat on her head. If I had stopped to think for even a second, I would have known it meant nothing. Emotion had pushed out every rational thought in my brain.
I stormed into my cabin and kicked the door shut behind me, buried my face in my hands, and screamed into them.
A heavy fist pounded on the door. “James, open up.”
Adam. My heart kicked pitifully, like it wanted to burst through my chest and run to him. Stupid, stupid heart. “No,” I said.
There was a pause.
“Open this door or I will break it down.”
The words sounded like a promise. I rolled my eyes. “It’s unlocked. Maybe try opening it yourself instead of moving straight into property damage.”
He opened it, strode inside, and then stopped. Scowling. Dangerous and delicious, all rolled into one grumpy cowboy package. I crossed my arms over my torso in a futile attempt to shield myself from wanting him.
“What the hell, James?” he demanded.
“What?” I asked, like throwing water in his face had been perfectly reasonable.
“First you tell my brother we’re not together, then you ignore me all night, and then you throw water in my face without saying a fucking word. I don’t get it. What are you so pissed about?”
My anger had eased into embarrassment somewhere between the Painted Cat and my front door, but now it came roaring back.
“There is a code,” I snapped. “You can’t hook up with my friends for at least ten years. Or never. Never is probably better.” Because even though she had assured me she had no interest in him, he didn’t know that. He had been perfectly happy to hit on my friend.
He squinted at me like he was trying to figure me out. “Are you jealous, buttercup?”
Seriously? Seriously. This man.
“Obviously I’m jealous,” I huffed. “She’s Essie Price. And you…you let her put your hat on her head like you’re hers now and you’re not. You don’t belong to her, Adam. You can’t be hers because you’re—” I clamped my mouth shut, trapping the word inside where it couldn’t ruin me.
He moved so fast I didn’t see it coming. One second he was by the door, the next he had me backed up against the wall.
“What am I, James?” His face was inches from mine, his heated gaze boring into me. “Tell me.”
My heart pounded hard. I lifted my chin defiantly. “Mine.”
“Prove it.”
My gaze didn’t leave his as I dragged my nails down the thin cotton of his t-shirt. When I reached his waist, he swallowed hard. For a moment I paused there, my fingertips hooked slightly over the edge of his jeans, my thumb rubbing the hefty silver buckle. We stared at each other and breathed. His cock twitched against my palm.
And then I couldn’t wait any longer. I tugged frantically at his belt, fumbled with the button, yanked down his zipper. With one hand on his chest, I pushed him back, reclaiming my space. He gave it, but he made me work for it. Fight for it. Leaned against my touch, his mouth hovering so close to mine that I could feel the warmth of his lips. The heady rush of having this big, strong man obey my command made me feel more powerful than I ever had. I could feel the control he kept tightly tethered start to fray. I wanted to make it snap.
I dropped to my knees.
He inhaled audibly. His hands clenched into fists. I was eye-level with his thick cock that tented his boxer briefs. I freed him with both hands, then rocked back on my heels to admire the view. Big and beautiful and glistening with a bead of pre-cum on the tip.
“James,” he said, sounding tortured.
My eyes flicked upward to meet his gaze. I leaned forward, licked up the pre-cum with a swipe of my tongue, and pressed a kiss to the silky tip like I was staking my claim. Which I was.
“Mine,” I said.
“Yes. Fuck. Take what belongs to you.”
His head tipped back on a groan, exposing the dark stubble of his jaw and neck. I think he needed to hear it as much as I needed to say it. Maybe that was the curse of being alive. Of being human. All we wanted, underneath the layers of bullshit and scars, was to belong to someone.
I slid him into my mouth, torturously slow, letting my tongue glide down his shaft as I took him as far back as I could go. My mouth was so full of him I could barely breathe. I paused there, inhaling and exhaling to steady myself, swallowed, and took him a little bit farther.
“Goddamn, baby.”
I would have smiled at the breathless pleasure in his voice, but I wasn’t willing to risk the loss of suction for even an instant. I was on my knees, but I had him right where I wanted him. On the brink. And I couldn’t wait to push him right over the edge.
As slowly as I took him in, I slid him out again. My hand worked his shaft while my mouth toyed with his tip, stroking it with my tongue and gently sucking, never taking him further than an inch. His hands dove to my head, one hand molding to the shape of my skull while his other hand wrapped my ponytail into his fist. Trying to take control.
But I wouldn’t let him.
I licked him balls to tip and was rewarded with the squeeze of his fingers on my scalp and the tug of my hair. My tongue swirled against his tip, tasting more pre-cum, one hand sliding along his shaft while my other reached back to cup his balls, everything working in tandem to drive him completely insane.
“Please…goddamn it, James. Suck me—”
The need in his voice made me squeeze my thighs together. I purred as I rubbed my thumb over the slick crown. “All you had to do was ask. I take care of what’s mine.”
And with that, I sucked him in again, but this time, I didn’t stop.
I relinquished control and let him guide me into the rhythm he liked best. His thrusts turned longer, harder.
“Fuck, James. I’m going to…” He gave a frantic tug on my ponytail, trying to pull away from me.
But I held on, refusing to surrender. And then he couldn’t stop himself. His hips bucked against my mouth as the last thread of his control finally snapped. He came apart in my mouth and my hands. His cock jerked and pulsed in my mouth, and I swallowed, never taking my eyes from his face, even when he closed his.
His hands loosened, and his body went slack. He fell back against the wall with a soft thud, and I grinned as I swiped the back of my hand over my mouth. I had literally made the man’s knees buckle. Damn right, I was proud of myself.
He stared down at me with eyes at half-mast, gently stroked his thumb over my swollen lips. For a moment, neither of us said anything and the only sound was our heavy breaths.
And then he pushed from the wall, grabbed me under my arms, and hauled me up to his mouth so he could plant a searing kiss on my lips. My feet dangled somewhere around his knees. His lips were soft against mine. Sweet and gentle, like I was something delicate. I twined my arms around his neck and gave in to the tenderness of the moment.
“Tell me what you need,” he whispered.
I laughed, still breathless. “You just gave me what I needed.”
“No, I mean—” He huffed. “And we’re not done with that either, just to be clear. That pussy of yours is going to get exactly what it deserves.”
“All right.” I shivered happily.
He shifted so his arms were supporting my butt. I wrapped my legs around his waist. “But before we do that, tell me how to make this work.”
“This works just fine.” I wiggled against him to demonstrate.
“That’s sex. I’m talking about you and me, buttercup. I want us to work. Out in the open, no hiding. I want to be yours everywhere, all the time. What do you need to make us real?”
Wait, what? I clasped my hands behind his neck and searched his face. His blue eyes were focused on me, open and warm. “It’s not only about me. What about Lodestar? What about Steven—”
“Let Brax worry about that. He’s good at what he does. He’ll figure something out.”
“What if he can’t?” I asked softly.
“We’ll cross that bridge if we come to it,” Adam said.
I swallowed hard. Right. A solid plan, except I knew what was waiting for me on the other side of that bridge. Heartache. I knew that. I knew his history. Whatever bridge there was to cross, I would have to walk it alone, leaving him safely on the other side.
“I don’t know what this is between us. I don’t know where it will go,” he said, completely oblivious to the way my heart sank a little further with each word. “I don’t even know if I have anything to offer you worth having. Maybe I’m too used up to have anything good left to give.”
I shook my head wordlessly. How could he believe that? Banged up and bruised, sure. But used up? This man? Absolutely not.
“What I do know is that tomorrow night, I want to pick you up in my truck and take you on a date. A real date. Not coffee or errands or something we can hide behind. I want to kiss you good night. And then the next night, I want you to come over for dinner. And most of all, I want you to be around so much that Ben doesn’t even blink when I make you both pancakes in the morning.”
“That sounds like something worth having to me,” I said. It sounded like everything. But no way in hell was I going to say that to the man who didn’t want to be my everything.
A smile ghosted his lips. “You need to set the bar higher, buttercup. You deserve more.”
“Oh, yeah? What is it you think I deserve, Adam?” I trailed my fingertips down his neck. “Tell me.”
“Everything,” he growled. “You deserve everything, James. So much more than fucking pancakes.”
“Then give it to me.” It was half demand, half plea.
He shook his head. “What I have to give isn’t anywhere near good enough. I don’t believe in happily ever after anymore. But I’ll do everything I can to make you happy today. No more sneaking around. No more hiding. I’m yours, James. I don’t care who the hell knows it.”
“I’ll take it.” My heart jackhammered in my chest.
He stared at me like he couldn’t quite believe it. “I’m serious, James. You and me, out in the open. You really want to do this with me?”
I narrowed my eyes. “Are you trying to talk me out of it? You just talked me into it, for heaven’s sake. You can’t run scared already.”
“Baby, I’m fucking terrified.” He rested his forehead against mine. His breath shook on the exhale. “What if I wake up one day and you’re gone? You realize I’m not enough and someone out there is better. I’m terrified that I won’t see it coming and I won’t be able to stop it. But I’m not running from this.”
I nuzzled my nose against his. “Adam, I promise you this. If I leave, it won’t be for another man. And you will know exactly why because I’ll tell you every damn day. I won’t leave you with a question mark. Suffering in silence is not my style.”
He chuckled softly. “That’s oddly comforting.”
I love you, I wanted to say. The words lodged in my throat. He wasn’t there yet. Maybe he never would be. He cared for me. He wanted me to be a part of his life. That had to be enough. I wasn’t going to ask for more. I had learned that lesson already.
Asking for more was exactly how you ended up with nothing.