Chapter 15
“We’re up, Daddy. You told me to call you.” Erin’s voice sounded high and cheerful in his ear. But Tillman detected a note of sadness as well.
A nine-year-old shouldn’t have to get herself and her brother out of bed in the morning. They should have a parent there doing that for them. But this was modern day, and he supposed there were a lot of children who were expected to have responsibility like that, except that was probably because their mother worked, not because she was still in bed with a hangover.
“That’s a good girl. You guys are up in plenty of time. Rowan’s up, right?” He’d been so excited to have a son. He loved his daughter, wholly and completely, but he assumed that she wouldn’t share his interests, not that Rowan necessarily would, but he had been excited to have a little boy that would be interested in driving tractors and raising cattle and learning to ride broncs and rope and do all the things that Tillman loved.
Of course, if Rowan had different interests, Tillman wasn’t going to be upset about it, but he had felt his family was complete when their son had joined their daughter.
Little did he know how things were going to turn out.
“He’s up. He’s still sucking his thumb, though. I told him he had to stop. Mom’s boyfriend told him he was going to dip it in gasoline and set it on fire to make him stop, so he hasn’t been sucking it in front of him.”
“I don’t think he’s actually going to do that,” Tillman said, trying to tamp down the anger that wanted to rise up in his chest at the idea of another man thinking it was a good idea to dip his son’s thumb in gasoline.
He was even angrier that Nicole would be with someone like that.
Of course, it didn’t sound like she was overly happy, since her drinking had seemed to spiral out of control. He wished the children had told him what was going on before the court date, but maybe it hadn’t been noticeably bad at that time.
“Are you guys gonna be able to get something to eat? Is there cereal and milk in the kitchen?”
“I don’t think so, but I made microwave oatmeal yesterday, and it didn’t turn out too bad. I think I put too much water in it, so I’m going to put less in today.”
“Can you read the measurements on the back?”
“I wasn’t sure what it was.”
“If you can take me there and put me on FaceTime, maybe I can read it for you.”
He waited while she went to the kitchen and got her phone on FaceTime. It was funny that she was able to do that with her phone, but she couldn’t figure out the measurements for oatmeal. Modern children.
Regardless, he had been in touch with his attorney, telling him the things that were going on at the house and hoping that would sway the judge’s opinion toward him.
He really didn’t want his children in a house like that at all.
At times, he’d been tempted to call child services, but he wasn’t sure he wanted that kind of complication in his life either.
Plus, he had been thinking about what Phoebe had said about emptying himself of all bitterness and hatred, and he didn’t want to do something against his ex out of either of those two emotions. He knew he still harbored them both, but he was working on it and praying about it. And trying to have faith that God was going to do what he didn’t think was humanly possible to do, and that was forgive his ex and let go of the bitterness he had toward her.
“I think I hear Mommy,” Erin said after he helped her find the correct measuring cup in the drawer.
“All right. You be sure to call me if you need me. I can answer any time.”
He needed to talk to Phoebe about what was going on at the house. He just...didn’t want her to think he was worse than what she already did. She’d mostly seen the worst he had to offer, other than him losing his temper, which he hadn’t done since the divorce.
Still, he hated the fact that he looked weak, because he didn’t have his family in order, had so many personal problems. He wanted to at least be able to do his job with competence.
But with these issues and him fielding calls from his children more and more often, he was going to have to say something. If this was going to be a problem for her, maybe he should just forget about the dreams he had for his life, and the things he wanted to do, and get a job as a cashier at Walmart or something. It might not be what he wanted to do, but it would be something he could do that would be closer to his children.
“You guys have a good day. I love you.”
“I love you, Daddy,” Erin said, and he could just picture her passing the phone to Rowan’s ear as Rowan said, “I love you, Daddy. Come get me.”
They hung up before Tillman could say anything else. The words pierced his heart. Oh, how he wanted to go get his son and his daughter and bring them back with him.
He didn’t know a human being could feel this longing and pain and still function.
He stared at his phone for a few seconds before he allowed his hand to drop to his side and took in a deep breath. He had to get his head in the game, the work game. He had to put the thoughts of his children and what they were going through aside. He couldn’t do anything about it right now, and his time was better spent trying to do a good job and make this rodeo a success for the ranch where he hoped to work for the rest of his life. He didn’t like moving around, didn’t like going from job to job, he liked to put down roots, settle down deep, and establish routines that would last a lifetime.
He knew that was kind of old-fashioned too, but that was just the way he was. An old-fashioned kind of guy.
“Is everything okay?” Phoebe said, coming into the kitchen looking a little different than she had, her jammy pants gone, the jeans and sweatshirt that she usually wore as her work outfit firmly in place. Her hair was in a ponytail, and her face was freshly scrubbed but devoid of any kind of makeup.
She looked fresh and young and beautiful to him, and despite all the turmoil in his chest, the longing for his kids, the frustration that things weren’t working out the way they were supposed to, the annoyance that he couldn’t provide for them the way he wanted to, and the devastation that his wife had caused when she’d torn apart his family, all those things were there, but on top of it all was a joyous peace that had been dominating his feelings more and more.
It seemed like the more time he spent around Phoebe, the more he felt that joy and peace that combined into a happy feeling, a feeling like everything was going to work out okay.
“Yeah. I need to talk to you. But it’s raining this morning. Where did you want to have our morning meeting?” He didn’t want to talk in the kitchen where anyone could come in and hear. This wasn’t something that he wanted the whole world to know. Not that there was anything he was doing that was wrong or illegal, he just...wanted it to be private.
“I was going to take Mina and drop her off at school today since it’s raining, and she has the casserole to take. How about you ride along, and on the way back, we’ll chat? If we need more time, we can just sit in my car until we’re done.”
“That’s great,” he said, knowing that it would be a little bit hard for him to take Mina to school, because it would remind him of his own children and what he wasn’t doing with them.
But at the same time, Mina was a sweetheart, and he loved that Phoebe and her family were taking care of her when her homelife was so bad. If anything ever happened to him that he couldn’t take care of his children, he would appreciate people like the Clybornes stepping in and helping him out. Trying to make sure that his children had the best childhood possible.
“I think the casserole is supposed to come out in about five minutes, and we’ll leave as soon as we can after that.”
Mina came into the kitchen then, bringing her sunshine smile and eagerness to share her recipe with the class.
They were in the car shortly after and had an enjoyable ride to the school. Phoebe and Mina were obviously comfortable with each other, and Tillman listened as they chattered about the different things that were going to be happening at the school soon. They also said something about an orchestra in Sweet Water and the performance that was coming up.
Tillman had heard a little bit about it, and he thought one of Phoebe’s sisters was actually in charge of it, but he hadn’t heard enough to be sure. Maybe Claudia.
“All right, kiddo. I love you. Have a great day,” Phoebe said as Mina got out. “And be careful with that. It’s still really hot.”
“I will. I love you too. See you tonight.”
Phoebe had a little smile on her face as Mina walked off.
“She seems like a great kid. Despite all the stuff that’s going on at home. I always thought kids who were going through stuff like that would be sullen and withdrawn and angry at the world.”
“Mina’s special. But I also think her mom sent her to us because she was hoping that Mina would have a good influence, something steady and something that she can lean on if she needed to.”
Phoebe looked over at him as she pulled out of the school. “I know you’re worried about your kids, and I think children are a lot more resilient than we give them credit for. In fact, Mina and I were just talking this morning about an issue that she’s having at school, and I was thinking about how we can’t make our kids’ lives perfect, you know? That we can only try to show them how to go through their trials so that they become stronger and wiser. It’s not smart for parents to try to make every part of their children’s lives perfect. We... We make it so that they’re unable to handle things when they actually do show up in their lives, because they haven’t built that strength up yet.”
“I guess I needed that pep talk today. That’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about. It... It actually does have to do with our business meeting.”
“All right,” she said, looking over at him again, concern and compassion in her eyes.
He wanted to ignore that. Wanted to steel his heart against it, but he also agreed with her, when she said that maybe not all women were like his ex.
Maybe there was a part of him that thought that he just attracted that kind of woman. Or that he was attracted to that kind of woman for some weird, twisted reason. But maybe, maybe he just made a bad mistake, a stupid decision, and God was actually going to give him another chance, a chance to have a life with the woman who was...pretty much the opposite of his ex.