Chapter 21
Phoebe and Tillman went into the church, having a little bit of difficulty finding a seat, and finally found one toward the middle of the church in the middle of a row. People shuffled and moved in order for them to sit down.
“Well, I guess everyone saw us walking together. Sorry about that,” he said. “I wasn’t exactly intending that.”
“It doesn’t bother me. But if it bothers you, I can get up and sit somewhere else?” She didn’t really intend to be smart about it, but she didn’t know why he was apologizing for sitting with her. He was the one who turned her invitation around and said that he would take her. Maybe he was getting cold feet.
“I just don’t want people to talk about us if that’s not what you want.”
“I guess I wouldn’t have said I would go with you if I didn’t want that. Not that I’m looking for that, but no, it doesn’t bother me.”
She met his eyes, her gaze steady. She was thirty-six years old. She wasn’t going to pretend she wasn’t saying what she was saying. She knew he had a lot of baggage, a lot of things to work out, and she respected that. But at the same time, she liked him. And she wasn’t going to pretend she didn’t.
“All right then,” he said, a corner of his mouth picking up. “You’ve seen me pretty much at my worst. I wasn’t expecting you to think better than that about me.”
“I’ve seen you work. I’ve seen you try to be better. I’ve seen you with your kids. And I’ve seen you making decisions that are difficult. Of course I see you as better than your worst.”
How could he even think otherwise?
They turned, facing the front as the musicians gathered and began to tune their instruments.
The performance was magnificent, and Phoebe was sure everyone left with a smile on their face. Including the musicians. But most especially her sister Claudia. She was so happy for her, that her dream of having a chamber orchestra had worked out. Claudia had put so much time and effort into it, and had worked so hard, and this was a wonderful fruit from all of her labors.
It was slow going as they went out, grabbing a few refreshments before they left and chatting as well.
Phoebe had to admit to having a wonderful time, and as nice as the music was, a lot of her enjoyment was because Tillman was with her.
They left together as other people began to drift away as well.
The area around the church was lit, but they walked beyond the circles of light to his pickup toward the back of the lot.
The first time their hands brushed, Phoebe thought it was an accident, but then his fingers brushed hers again and slowly wound around them.
“Is that okay?” he asked, looking down at her and lifting their entwined fingers.
“Yes,” she said, hearing how breathy her voice sounded.
He swallowed. “I’ve...been thinking about this for a while.”
“Me too.”
They didn’t say anything more as they reached his truck and he opened the door for her. Their fingers slipped apart, and he seemed like he was reluctant to let hers go.
She was not the one getting out of a bad relationship. She was not the one with nasty memories, with two children who hadn’t been in a stable home, and who wasn’t allowed to see them unless she drove six hours to them. She was not the one with the anger and bitterness, and so she supposed it was all about what he thought he was ready for.
She didn’t want to pressure him, but she had to admit, she liked this evening. The sweet, thoughtful flowers, the fun time they had together, leaving with their fingers entwined.
Plus there was the laughter and the fun she shared with him throughout the week. Maybe Ezra really had tried to get them together. She had never asked, but it might be a good question. After all, she hadn’t seen it to begin with, but she would have to agree if anyone said that Tillman seemed like he was perfect for her.
They didn’t say much on the way home, although his hand slid over across the seat and touched her fingers as they lay in her lap.
She twisted her hand and turned it over until their fingers threaded together again. This time was just as thrilling as the first. As if she would have ever thought that holding hands with someone could be thrilling. But it was.
The big house was all lit up when they got home, but Tillman drove past that, and while he didn’t pull up to the bunkhouse exactly, he parked a little bit between the two.
“Do you mind taking a walk with me before you go in for the night?”
“I would love it,” she said, meaning every word.
He grinned, shut his pickup off, and got out. She slid out too, wondering if he really wanted to walk, or if he had something he wanted to talk about.
That time when his hand slid into hers, she was expecting it and maybe even had moved her hand in position to make sure that he did.
She might be older, but she still had a few feminine wiles that she could pull out when the occasion demanded it.
“You know my life is a mess.” Tillman’s voice was low, and it floated softly in the air as Phoebe looked up at the stars that shone so brightly in the cloudless sky. It was chilly, and she wouldn’t have minded having a jacket, but she didn’t want to interrupt their conversation to go back and get one. There was a part of her that wanted to have everything settled, and there was another part of her that admitted that it probably wasn’t going to happen. It wasn’t quite going to be the way she wanted it to be with everything tied up with a neat little bow and everything figured out perfectly.
“I know.”
“And your life is perfect.”
“I wouldn’t say that, but I definitely have less drama in mine than you do unless you count money drama. I have plenty of that.”
He laughed a little. “I have some money drama myself. Along with all the other drama. None of it fun.”
“Drama usually isn’t fun. But every life has some.”
“That’s true. But it seems like my life has had more than my share.”
“And you handled it well and have become a better person. Maybe I would be a better person if I had more drama in my life.”
“You lost your parents, that was drama.”
“Ezra hinted that your early life wasn’t the greatest,” she said, keeping her voice pitched naturally but hoping that maybe he would expound on that.
“I don’t think there’s too much to say. My dad was abusive. Lots of kids grow up with that type of thing. Alcohol, marijuana occasionally. He hit my mother and me. Although he typically left my little sister alone. Mom left him when I was about ten, the first time he hit my sister.”
“I didn’t know you have a sister.”
“She died of a drug overdose about ten years ago. Broke Mom’s heart. Mom died shortly after. I guess my old man is still around, but he was never really a dad to me. I haven’t looked for him.”
“You still managed to become a man of character despite the terrible childhood.”
“Maybe because of it. Definitely because of my mom. She cared about what happened to me and tried to instill all the good teaching she could, although I had a hard time believing that Jesus loved me when my dad didn’t.”
“I could imagine that would be tough. I never doubted my parents’ love. They might have been taken from me too soon, but love wasn’t something I lacked.”
“I can’t say the same. But I did have some friends whose parents had some good marriages, and I always wanted one that looked like theirs, you know?”
“Yeah. That makes sense.”
“I thought Nicole was the one. Obviously, I was wrong, and you know all about that so I won’t go into it, but probably some of my upbringing came out in my marriage. Yelling, for example.”
“It’s hard for me to imagine that.”
“I’ve tried really hard to modulate my tone and my emotions. That’s what it is. Something gets you so angry you can’t control yourself. The time to stop it is before you get that mad. I... I tried to change the way I talk to myself. If I start feeling angry, I ask myself, is this worth getting angry about? Is there another way to solve this? Just stuff like that. I can’t promise that I’m going to be perfect.”
“No one can promise that. I told you, I yelled at my siblings. I had to do pretty much the same thing. Figure out the kind of person that I wanted to be and then work on being that person. And not allowing myself to be the person that I was becoming.”
“Yeah. Thanks for understanding.”
They kept walking, the buildings falling way behind them, some chatter from some of the ranch guests carrying across the night air in tones they couldn’t understand.
Being that it was the middle of the week, they didn’t have too many guests, and the ranch almost felt deserted.
“I guess I wouldn’t be walking in the moonlight holding your hand and asking you to talk to me if...if I didn’t have some pretty strong feelings for you.”
She didn’t say anything to that, because that was exactly what she had thought. That there must be something going on to inspire him to want to talk to her.
“I don’t typically go around walking and holding hands in the moonlight either.”
“I didn’t think you did. I guess that’s why I think it is probably important for me to declare my intentions.”
She was curious as to what those intentions were, so she waited, trying not to hold her breath.
He stopped, turning and tugging on her hand until they faced each other.
“Phoebe.”
She shivered at the sound of her name on his lips. It sounded more perfect there than anytime anyone else had ever said it. She wanted to ask him to say it again, but she lifted her head instead and searched his eyes, waiting.
He pursed his lips and looked over her shoulder for a moment before he looked back at her. “I did something like this once before, with one other woman. You know that. I feel a little bit like...like I screwed that up,”
She wanted to tell him that it wasn’t his fault, but she kept her mouth closed. She didn’t really like being reminded that she was the second one who had stood in the moonlight with him. She could tell him that he was her first. But this didn’t really feel like the time. He seemed like he regretted things, and while she had regrets in her life, that wasn’t one of them.
“I don’t want to cheapen what’s between us.” He paused. “It feels like a cliché to say that I feel different with you than I ever have with anyone else, but while it might be a cliché, it’s also true. What I felt with Nicole was just a shadow of what I feel with you. I... I admired the wrong things about her. The way she looked, the way she filled out her clothes, the way she was a little sassy and didn’t care. For some reason, I found those to be things to admire. I feel like I was never really taught what was important in a relationship, and I didn’t see it for myself until I met you.”
That made her feel a little better. That he could see a difference between her and Nicole and see things in her that he admired more. That she wasn’t just his rebound relationship, or a substitute, or the first woman who happened to come along who responded to his overtures of affection. After all, she wasn’t exactly experienced in this area, and someone could easily take advantage of her. She wouldn’t even know it.
But she didn’t think that Tillman was that kind of man. She wouldn’t be standing here with him otherwise.
“I’m not doing this very well, but what I’m trying to say is...I love you. I love watching you. I love being with you. I love seeing you first thing in the morning, your smile, the coffee you’re always holding close, and the way you’re wide awake, even though I’m still half-asleep and not quite ready to talk for at least three hours. And you don’t get impatient. I love that about you. That you see me, and instead of seeing me the way I see me, you see me as someone...better. You make me want to be better.” He stopped, then continued like he had started and wasn’t going to quit until he was done. “I want to be with you. I want to spend my life with someone who makes me better, makes me want to be better, and who...maybe I inspire in some small way as well.”
“You do. You absolutely do.”
She didn’t expound upon that. It seemed to be his turn to talk, but he smiled at her words. And his hand came up and brushed her hair back away from her face.
“I can’t even believe I’m here with you. You know I have nothing. I mean, I have absolutely nothing.”
“I guess you know I’m not here with you for your money then,” she said with a small smile. Then she continued, “And I’m pretty sure you’re not after mine, since you know as well as I do that I don’t have any either.”
“I think we can build something together, though. Am I wrong?”
“I’ve never worked with anyone who I enjoy working with more. And yeah, I think we can build something. Between us, I don’t think either one of us will give up.”
“We can build a family, business, something. As long as we’re together, I don’t really care what it is.”
“That sounds perfect to me. I’ll be beside you, helping, building, and wanting to be better, because that’s how you make me feel.”
He grinned a little, and his hand slipped down and wrapped around her neck. She tried to suppress a shiver. A good shiver, as her hands came up and settled on either side of his stomach. She leaned closer.
“I don’t want to rush anything, but I want you to understand that this isn’t a fling for me. I... I’ve never been good at relationships that weren’t serious. I’m not ready for marriage, just yet. I have so many things that are tangled up I can’t even begin to untangle everything, but that’s what I’m looking at. At some point, hopefully not too distant in the future. I don’t think relationships should drag on. It’s too tempting to do things you shouldn’t.”
“That’s what my parents always said.”
“It’s what my mother told me, although she also cautioned me not to rush into anything.”
“Sounds like your mother was a wise woman.”
“She was. I wish you could have met her. She would have loved you. She would have been over-the-moon happy for me. Although, maybe she would be shaking her head, as I would like to, wondering how in the world I got to the place where someone like you is looking at someone like me and thinking that I’m a good choice for you.”
“An easy choice,” she said softly.
She smiled up at him, and he looked down, lowering his head. “I’ll do everything in my power to make sure that you don’t regret this.”
“There won’t be any regrets. Not on my end,” she said, feeling confident and knowing that what she said was right. Whether Ezra did it on purpose or not, she knew he wouldn’t have brought Tillman here if he hadn’t felt like Tillman was a good fit for their farm. Not only that, but what Tillman had said about her making him better fit with the idea that she had been thinking that she was a better person when she was around him. Not only did she admire him, but she felt like they could definitely build something together and was sure, down to the depths of her soul, that the Lord had brought them together.
As his lips descended on hers, she sighed a little, a contented sigh, mixed with a little bit of excitement and a lot of nervousness.
She moved a hand up, wrapping it around his head and pressing herself closer to him, while he pulled her closer as well. Like they both had the same thought at the same time, which was not uncommon in their relationship.
The dark was perfect, the night filled with stars that seemed to shine down just for them.
When he finally lifted his head, both of their breathing was ragged and they seemed to cling to each other for strength just as much as because they couldn’t get close enough.
“You are perfect,” he said, his breath blowing out, his words sounding like they had been taken from his soul.
She moved her head, rubbing her cheek against his rougher one and running her thumb down his neck. “I was thinking the exact same thing about you. In every way.”
She didn’t get a chance to say anything more, because his phone rang. It was late enough that a warning bell went off in her head. Then when he pulled it out of his pocket, keeping one arm around her, and she saw the look on his face, a whole bunch of warning bells rang.
Of course, life couldn’t be perfect for too long. But whatever it was, she was sure of one thing, they would face it together.