Chapter 28
“It feels a little weird not having our morning and evening meetings,” Tillman said as he walked along the lane in the dark, holding Phoebe’s hand.
Phoebe could have said the same thing.
“I’ve missed our meetings.” They’d still seen each other every day. At meals, for sure, and in the evening after Tillman put his kids to bed, they usually took a walk as they were doing now. Sometimes Phoebe took the kids into the house and helped them with their schoolwork or made supper with them if Tillman was working and couldn’t get away.
“I think I like this better,” he said as he squeezed her hand.
There still seemed to be something bothering him, but Phoebe hadn’t figured out how, exactly, to ask. She didn’t have anything concrete to point to, just a general sense of knowing that he didn’t look as relaxed and happy as he had before everything went down with Nicole and the kids.
“I heard Nicole starts work at the diner tomorrow.”
“Hmm.”
He didn’t say anything more. She knew talking with her about Nicole wasn’t his favorite pastime, but when he didn’t talk to her about Nicole, it made her feel like maybe there was something he was hiding, something she was missing. And that, combined with the feeling that there was something wrong, made her chest feel heavy and scratchy.
“There’s something I need to talk to you about.”
Thank you, Jesus, Phoebe thought silently. Maybe they could get whatever was bothering him out in the open. Even if it wasn’t what she wanted to hear, she’d rather know, so she could figure out how to deal with it and work together with Tillman to do whatever needed to be done.
“I wondered when you were going to bring it up.”
“You know?”
“No. I just knew there was something wrong. Something that’s been bothering you since before the rodeo.”
The rodeo had been a bigger success than either of them dreamed, mostly because of Tillman working tirelessly, not only to get things ready on the ranch, but to get the people he knew would draw a crowd to come. Even in the hospital, he’d been working the phone, getting buddies on board, and doing everything he could to get things to work out.
She had been so impressed with how he’d pulled everything together. Ezra had confided to her that he’d never imagined it could work out so well.
The barn debris had been cleared away, leaving a cleared dirt area where the charred wood had been, and the Sweet Water community had indicated that they would come help with a barn raising, although they probably would just put up a pole building. It was cheaper and quicker.
“You should have said something.”
“I was...afraid.”
“Afraid? Please don’t ever be afraid to talk to me.”
“You don’t like talking about Nicole, and I can tell you get irritated when I bring her up, and I was scared that after she begged you to take her back, you felt like being with me was a mistake, or at the very least, it would be better for the kids to be with their mom and dad and for you two to be together.”
“That’s nonsense! I have zero desire to be with her...we talked about that.”
“I know. Maybe sometimes I need to be reminded. People change their minds, you know. All the time.”
“You’re right about that. Even though I’m tempted to say that will never, ever, not in a million years happen to me, I see that you might need reassurance. Even on a regular basis. Even though I don’t see a need for it, because I know how I feel about her—and that’s blessed to be away from her.” He paused for a moment and then continued. “Do you remember how you told me that sometimes we need to get rid of the bad things in order to make room for the good?”
“Yes.”
“And I think we also talked about how Nicole blowing up my life and family was the worst thing that ever happened to me, mostly because I lost my kids and the ranch I’d worked for my whole life.”
“I’m so sorry about that.”
He tugged on her hand and pulled her around to face him. “Don’t be. I was thinking about that just last night. I wouldn’t have met you if it hadn’t been for losing the ranch. God really did have something better in mind for me. You. And I kicked and scratched and fought to keep it, not knowing that keeping it would keep me from the best thing that ever happened to me—having you tell me you love me.”
He swallowed and looked into her eyes. Maybe they were a little watery, mostly because she was so happy for him, but also because he had said such wonderful and amazing things to her and she could hardly believe that the man she loved thought so much of her.
“Well, you can talk to me anytime if those are the kinds of things you’re going to say.”
“Actually, I do have something that’s not good news.” He hesitated. “Something that could change things for you.”
She couldn’t think of anything that would change things for her, other than Priscilla going to Wyoming, but Priscilla had just told her the day before the rodeo that she had decided to stay. For now. That allowed Phoebe to assume she was going to stay, although she still prayed daily for her twin.
“Okay?”
“I got the bill for Erin. With the life flight, and the ICU stay, along with the regular hospital charges...it’s more than I can ever dream of paying.”
“I can’t even imagine.”
“I was surprised. For sure. I thought I might have to declare bankruptcy, and I still might. But I talked to the hospital, and they said I could set up a payment plan. It’s just... I still had a dream of having a few acres and a house and a place for us and Erin and Rowan...and any other children we might have...”
His voice trailed off. She could feel her cheeks heating, although maybe it wasn’t the best time to admit that she really, really wanted more children. A big family like she’d grown up in. But he was going to worry about how they could afford it.
“But with that huge bill to pay, I probably won’t be able to afford much of anything. I don’t even know if I could plan on moving out of the bunkhouse.” He squeezed her hands, and she came toward him, feeling like he’d prefer to move away, but she wasn’t going to allow that. No matter what happened, whether they had plenty of money or not enough, more children or just two, a place of their own or sharing the bunkhouse, the place she wanted to be was right beside him.
“Phoebe...I can’t ask you to be with me if I don’t even know how I’m going to take care of you.”
“Can’t? Or don’t want to?”
“I can’t.”
“Then you want to?”
“Yes! I want you with me, forever. I hate being away from you, and I want to marry you and have a family with you, but I just can’t—”
“Then do it. You didn’t see how God was going to work out losing the ranch. Or how He was going to bring things around after Nicole left. We can’t see how He’ll work this out or even if He will, but I can see how He worked things out for us to be together. I’m not going to miss that opportunity just because I can’t see how God is going to work it out now.”
He blew out a long, slow breath, a little smile tilting up his lips. “I need you. God knew it. And I know it, too.”
She smiled as his head lowered and he kissed her tenderly, sweetly, pulling her close and holding her tight.
He lifted his head, touching her temple with his lips and running his hand down her back. “I want to marry you.”
“It’s a little late tonight. How about first thing in the morning?” Her words were breathless, but she didn’t even care. Tillman was the one she wanted, the one she knew was God’s plan for her life, and she’d take him however she could get him.
He laughed. “Did you not hear me that I have, literally, nothing?”
“I don’t care.” She laughed. “Unless you care that I have, literally, nothing?”
He chuckled, tucking her head under his chin and holding her close. “We’re a pair.”
“We are.”
“So I guess we should make it official.”
“I agree.”
“Tomorrow might be a little soon.”
“The next day?”
“Let’s see what tomorrow brings. Maybe it is perfect. As you are for me.”