Chapter 2
J ohn shifted, almost as though he wanted to step closer, but he held his ground. “I’m sorry. I really am. You have no idea how terrible I felt when I heard this. How much I knew that you had to be innocent. But how much I also knew what had to be done.”
He was looking for sympathy. John. Who was firing Cash, kicking him out of the pastorate of the church he started, with no care for the fact that his wedding was just two weeks away, and he was going to be starting out his married life with no job, no income, no way to support the family he had hoped to start immediately.
A feeling of compassion welled up inside of him which could only have come from the Lord. John really had a hard job. He’d had to tell his best friend and pastor, a man he respected and loved, that he no longer had a church or job. That must have been really difficult.
“I’m sorry. I can’t imagine having to do this.” The next words were a little harder but no less heartfelt. “I value your friendship. Feel free to reach out to me if you need anything.”
Then, with a heart that felt like it had shattered into a million pieces and a confidence level that seemed to have found a hole to bury itself in, he took a breath. “I’ll leave everything in my office for the next man. I hope and pray you find a good one.”
Then, with that, he turned toward the door.
“Cash?”
He stopped but didn’t turn back around.
“The board specifically asked me to make sure you turned your phone in. It’s...church property.”
Really? They were going to take his phone from him as well?
But Cash couldn’t question it. The church had purchased the phone and paid his bill. After all, ninety-five percent of the business he did on his phone was church related. Calling shut-ins, setting up meetings, discussing everything from the color of the carpet to what hymnbooks they were purchasing for the new building, and all the stuff in between. So much of that business to be done on his phone.
And there was nothing inappropriate on it. He reached into his pocket and pulled it out.
“Grab a pen. I’ll tell you my password.” He had face ID enabled, but he also had the password backup set up as well.
John’s lips tightened, but he dutifully got a pen and notebook and waited while Cash rambled off the numbers.
“Maybe, maybe, you could let the board know that I did not hesitate when you asked for my phone but gave it to you immediately, without deleting anything, and gave you the password as well? There’s nothing inappropriate on there, just as there was nothing inappropriate happening between Zoe and me.”
It was the best he could do. Maybe people would believe him. After all, his life was squeaky clean, with nothing that anyone could ever point to to say that they had seen this coming or they knew something was going on.
“Is that the same password you have on your computer in your office?” John asked, his face sad, his look grim.
“Yes.”
Cash turned back around and walked out.
He didn’t look around as he exited the building. So familiar, so beloved, he’d spent countless hours on his knees in prayer not just at the altar in the sanctuary, but by his desk in his office, prostrate on the floor at midnight, begging for the life of a sick child, for healing for one of his congregants, for God to show him for sure the woman that he was going to marry was truly the one he was supposed to be with.
Maybe it was that thought that turned his feet toward his car and had him driving to the Christian bookstore where she worked.
Abby Morales.
The woman who had consented to be his wife. The woman who had agreed to walk this journey with him. He had prayed for hours and hours and hours and finally felt peace about asking her to marry him. He wouldn’t say he was head over heels in love with her, but he felt like they would make a great team.
She had gone to Bible college looking specifically to marry a pastor. He was looking specifically for a woman who wanted to be married to a pastor. They both desired to live for the Lord and serve Him. To him, theirs was a match made in heaven.
Abby would stand beside him during this hiccup in the road. They might have to change the venue of their wedding, since they were scheduled to get married in the church he pastored, of course. But they would figure everything out. For now, he just wanted to see her. And of course, he’d need to tell her before she found out from anyone else.
He pulled into the bookstore parking lot and checked his watch. She got a break in the middle of the day, but he didn’t know whether she had already taken it or not. Deciding that he wanted to just hear her voice and see her for a few minutes, he thought that he would send her a text asking her to meet him in the parking lot, but then he remembered he didn’t have a phone anymore.
Getting out of his car, he took the short walk across the parking lot, the Virginia sun beating down on the asphalt, causing the heat to rise in waves around him, which he barely noticed. Although the cool interior of the bookstore felt welcoming. If not a little cold.
Christians could be so hard. So unforgiving. So willing to sacrifice one of their own when they fell. Not that he had fallen, because he hadn’t done anything wrong. But there had been no mercy from John or from any of the board. John had talked like the decision had been unanimous.
He needed to sink into Abby’s sweet and gentle presence, to hear her voice, and to listen to her say that everything was going to be okay. They would continue to follow the Lord and work through this together. He would find a different pastorate in a different church, maybe out west somewhere. He had been meaning to visit his Aunt Karen for a while, and this would be an excellent time to do that. Perhaps they could even move there. Aunt Karen had wanted him to come out and take over the management of her used-car sales business. Ever since Uncle Jake had passed away the previous year, she’d been struggling to do it on her own.
Of course he hadn’t considered it, not even a little bit. He had a church pastorate and people who needed him. He wasn’t going to leave everything and go running out to North Dakota, in the middle of nowhere, to sell cars.
He wasn’t interested in the slightest. But all of a sudden, considering the events of the morning, it looked like something he might be interested in after all.
He turned a corner on the end of the aisle with the Bibles, his favorite aisle in the entire bookstore, and saw Abby bending down, straightening Bibles on the bottom shelf.
“Abby,” he said, and it felt like he was grasping for a lifeline.
Her head flew around toward him, and her eyes grew big, and then they narrowed.
“I sent you a text,” she said, her words short, her expression not welcoming as she slowly straightened, crossing her arms over her chest and looking at him in a way that he’d never seen her look before. She’d always been smiling and happy around him. The epitome of the perfect pastor’s wife.
“I’m sorry. I have a lot of things to tell you.”
“You don’t need to tell me. I already heard. How you apparently were screwing around in your office with a little girl. That’s disgusting, Cash.”
His mouth dropped open. She believed it? “Abby. You know me.”
“Not as well as I thought I did, apparently.”
“No. It’s not true.” He wanted to get the words out. To get his defense out in the open, but she was already turning away, shaking her head.
“I meant what I said in the text.”
“The church took my phone. I didn’t see a text.”
Her lips flattened. Apparently whoever had been informing her about the situation hadn’t gotten that news yet. Thanks to John. John really was a good guy and a great friend. He might not be defending him, for all the reasons that John explained, which made sense to Cash, but at least he wasn’t going around spreading all the nasty information he could.
“Cash, I can’t have anything to do with you. I mean, if we were married... I still think I would divorce you for this. You can’t just...” She waved her hand as the words failed her. “It’s disgusting. The poor girl. I can’t imagine what she’s going through.”
“The girl?” She was more concerned about the girl who was lying? And not concerned about what her fiancé was going through right now?
Somehow, Abby’s lack of support hurt far worse than John’s. He understood John’s position. But Abby had pledged her life to him. She’d said yes to his proposal and agreed that they would be together through everything. This was part of everything. And yet, it was the first hard test of their relationship, and she was going to bail?
“Is that really what you want? Is that what you believe?” he finally said. He couldn’t find the words to defend himself. The idea that they had talked ad nauseam about how afraid he was this would happen. About all the parameters that he’d put into place so that it wouldn’t happen. How she knew exactly where he was at all times. She knew that Zoe had to be lying about everything. All she had to do was check up on her story. There couldn’t be more than that one time where they had been alone with the door closed. And that had been a mistake on his part, true, but any other times could be shown to be obvious lies.
“Cash. Don’t make this any harder than what it already is for me. Don’t you think that my heart is breaking?” She blinked, but there weren’t any tears in her eyes. In fact, it was almost like she was already planning her next move. And for the first time, he wondered if Abby had perhaps not been completely honest with him. Maybe she was angling to marry a prominent and successful pastor because of her own ambitions.
He could hardly believe that. Not his sweet Abby. But as he looked at her face, the idea sat there, hard and acidic in his chest. She didn’t love him. She just wanted to be a pastor’s wife, which she had never denied. But why not pick the most successful pastor in the state? She would have a ready built ministry on his arm.
“So I suppose you’re going to call the wedding off?” he asked, his voice devoid of emotion.
“I already did it. I’ve canceled everything. What do you think I’ve been doing for the last two hours?”
Her hair and makeup were perfect, and her eyes were clear. It didn’t look like she’d been sitting around, brokenhearted, crying as she undid what she had hoped to be a lifetime union.
“I’ll let you know if any of the deposits come back, although honestly, I feel like I should keep some of that money. I’ve certainly earned it, considering that your reputation is in shreds, and you and I are linked irrevocably.”
When she talked about the deposits coming back, his eyes automatically dropped to her ring. He was still paying for it. She had seemed like the kind of girl who deserved a massive stone and an extraordinarily expensive ring. He couldn’t have her wearing something tiny on her finger that would make it look like he couldn’t afford to give her the very best. After all, it might reflect poorly on the church. Abby mentioned all that in passing a few weeks before he popped the question. He’d taken the small ring he’d already bought back and took out a loan for the one that...was no longer on her finger.
Her eyes followed his, and she said, “The engagement ring is mine to keep. You gave it to me.”
He didn’t say anything. She wouldn’t have kept it if she had said no to his proposal, right? So now that she was no longer going to marry him, shouldn’t the ring go back to him?
He wasn’t sure what the protocol was in these situations. He hadn’t expected to ever have to know. The idea that he was even thinking about this was disappointing in the very worst sense of the word.
Disappointed didn’t come close to describing how he felt.
“I’m sorry, Abby,” he finally said, although he didn’t know what he was apologizing for. It was more for himself, that he was sorry he wasted time with her, not seeing who she truly was. Although, that wasn’t fair. She really was a true Christian and a good person. Of course she was going to break up with a fiancé who was messing around with a young teenager. The problem was the idea that she wouldn’t even give him the benefit of the doubt. She wouldn’t let him explain or defend himself. And she didn’t come to his defense either. It made him feel like she never really knew him to begin with, and maybe that was what he was sorry for.
“I’m sure you are. You should have thought of that before you closed the door and had sex with a sixteen-year-old.” She spit the words out, and as Cash turned, he saw three ladies standing in the aisle behind him. No doubt they’d overheard Abby’s last words. No doubt they’d seen him not defend himself. No doubt they assumed he was as guilty as his fiancée assumed he was. After all, if his fiancée didn’t see anything worthwhile in him, how could he expect these ladies to?
“Excuse me, ladies,” he said, the words coming automatically to his lips. They backed up like he had the bubonic plague and was getting ready to breathe on them.
It felt like running away, but he couldn’t stay in this town. He would be shocked if anyone would even hire him, so he wouldn’t be able to earn a living, let alone be a pastor like he knew he had been called to be.
In fact, maybe he’d been wrong about that. Maybe God hadn’t called him to be a pastor at all. Maybe he’d misunderstood. Maybe this was God’s way of getting him out of the pastorate. Maybe he really was as bad as everyone assumed. He had thought he had an upright, upstanding reputation in town, but obviously, at the first hint of any impropriety, everyone, including his best friend and his fiancée, believed the absolute worst of him. So maybe his reputation, and his character, weren’t as spotless as what he thought.
He moved through the path the women had created for him, like Moses parting the Red Sea, and walked out of the store, back out into the Virginia heat.
North Dakota was probably far enough. It wasn’t where he wanted to be, it wouldn’t be doing what he wanted to do, but God had obviously taken what he was and what he wanted and turned it inside out. There was no chance he would be pastoring anytime soon.
Lord, I don’t understand why You’re doing this to me. I don’t know where I went wrong. What I did. But right now—it’s hard to even think this way—I don’t believe anything happens to me without being allowed by You.
He thought of Job. Of the trials that poor man had gone through, with no idea of the celestial conversation that happened about him. Maybe God had such a conversation with Satan about Cash? Had God said, “Look at my man Cash, how he follows me no matter what?” And Satan would have laughed and said, “Of course he does, because he’s not had anything hard happen to him his entire life.” The hardest thing he’d had to do was to be abstinent before his marriage. Which held a special kind of irony, considering that he was being accused of having sex with a sixteen-year-old, when he hadn’t even been intimate with his own fiancée or any other woman for that matter.
Is this Your idea of a sense of humor?
He knew from experience that God really did have a sense of humor, but this seemed a little bit...much.
He couldn’t quite laugh about it. His whole world had come crashing down and everything that he had known and loved was going to be gone. Taken from him, and all over a bunch of lies.
He took a deep breath. He wanted to go home, hit something, destroy something, but he felt the best thing to do would be to think about what needed to be done and then take steps to do it.
First, he was going to the cell phone store to buy his own cell phone, with a data plan or whatever he needed in order to be able to use it anywhere in the US, and he would have to make sure that he could use it west of the Mississippi, because the idea that that was where he was heading was strong, almost unshakable.
Then he would check with the realtor about putting his house up for sale. He and Abby had gone back and forth about whether they should move into his house, or whether they should purchase a house for themselves. He had been all about wanting to keep the house he had. She had been more about buying a new one that she could make her own. One closer to the church, is what she said. Although his house was only five minutes away. Regardless, he’d already been in talks with a realtor. He had been going to surprise Abby with it as a wedding gift, that they would go home shopping.
He would get his realtor to put the house on the market immediately. All the things inside would convey. He would pack his clothes, and he could be in North Dakota by next week this time.
He didn’t know anything about selling cars, and he couldn’t think of too many things that were as different from spreading the gospel and sharing Jesus with people as being a used-car salesman, but he’d always been a quick study and a good learner. And Aunt Karen would be happy to see him, unlike pretty much everyone in this town.
He thought about telling his parents. They would believe him, but they would still be sad. Disappointed. Concerned and worried. He definitely didn’t want to worry his parents. He also didn’t want to have to face his siblings. Although he would. His sisters would probably be okay, but his brother was going to laugh at him. His brother had left the faith long ago and thought that everything that Cash was doing was pointless.
Lord, this isn’t going to help Randy at all. I’ve been praying for years that he would come back to You, and this is just going to make him laugh and tell me how much time I wasted serving a God who would allow this kind of thing to happen to me.
Of all the people in his family, Randy was the one who would believe the rumors about him.
Lord, is this Your way of humbling me? Because I can already see that it’s going to take a lot of humility to get through this.
Humility and silence. Because there was no point in defending himself. He couldn’t seem to stop the arguments in his head, the ones that defended his honor and his character and his integrity. He would never do such a thing, never .
Although, the idea that pride goeth before a fall made him reevaluate. Maybe he could have done such a thing. Not that he had, because he hadn’t, but for him to think that he would never, could never, was probably wrong. Anyone could do such a sin if they didn’t have the proper guards in place. That was why he had those guards up. To keep himself from ever stepping off the straight and narrow path. Not just because he wanted to live a righteous life, but because he loved God, loved Him with all his frail, puny, human love he was capable of. It wasn’t nearly like the love that God loved him with. But he wanted to do everything in his power to serve God and bring honor and glory to Him.
Lord, this goes against everything I’ve lived for. You of all beings know my heart and how much I long to live for You. And yes, this is going to make You look bad. Why are You allowing it?
He had no answers.