6. Cora
Cora
With my head hazy, I wake in the morning from a dream.
I cannot think of anything else that would be so vivid.
The warmth still flows through me with a glimmer of the pleasure I felt.
Rolling over in the sheets, I think back on the dream and the sinful sensation.
It seemed so real that I can still feel his hands on me.
I can still feel a pleasant ache between my legs.
I can hear the moans I murmured from the back of my throat into the pillow
My eyes jolt open as I come back to reality with an undeniable soreness between my thighs. That was no dream. My breath quickens and I can hardly believe it.
He came to me in the night. The tempting man in the shadows.
I lift the covers so quickly they make a “whoosh” sound, then check the sheets and my nightgown.
The man did not leave any bruises or marks on my body—he never touched me harshly enough to do that—but on the inside of my thigh there is a tiny streak of blood.
It comes away from my skin when I dab at it with my finger.
The ache between my legs is real, then.
It is not horribly painful. I do not mind it. But it hits me all at once that he was real.
He did climb onto my balcony. He came through the open doors. He blindfolded me, and he took me.
I’m not a virgin anymore.
I fall back onto the pillows and stare at the ceiling, my pulse loud in my ears. Thump, thump, thump. I really did it. It truly happened. Thoughts scream in my head, but I close my eyes with a small smile at my lips.
I’m not a virgin anymore, and it is all my doing.
I felt him watching me, and I went to him, and I ordered him to come to my rooms. I ordered him to come through my balcony doors and take me.
I’d said the words out of frustration and desire and truth. And that man—whoever he is—did not question me.
Did he only do that because I gave him an order?
I close my eyes and let myself remember. The details don’t become hazier the more I think of them, like the details in a dream. They only get clearer.
He was not fucking me out of a sense of duty. He was hard and his body was tensed, and though he didn’t speak a single word, I could hear the effort he was making by his breathing. I felt it in his touch.
Oh, God, I am not a virgin. Fear strikes through me. They’re going to know.
I sit up in a rush and scramble out from underneath the covers, then throw them back as far as I can. Farther than I need to. Almost to the foot of the bed.
There is nothing on the sheets.
There should be blood on the sheets, shouldn’t there?
I climb back onto the bed and run my hands over the spot I’m sure I was…positioned.
There is nothing.
Did he bring a cloth with him? I remember feeling cloth toward the end, but that’s the only part of our encounter that’s foggy for me. I had felt so much pleasure I hardly knew what to do with myself. The only thing that made sense was to lie on the pillow and close my eyes, so I did, and now—
Low voices outside my door send me flying from the bed. I pull the covers up in a rush and get myself to the side of the mattress just as the door to my rooms opens and Alice and Blanche come in.
“Good morning, Princess,” Blanche says. “Did you get out of bed before you were ready?”
I rub my face, pretending to yawn. “Perhaps.”
“Do you need to sleep?” Alice asks. “We’ll prepare the curtains,” she says and gestures toward the balcony.
My heart hammers. Sure enough, that’s proof he’s come to see me last night. As if the ache between my thighs isn’t proof enough. A violent blush rises to my cheeks.
They aren’t ladies-in-waiting, but Alice and Blanche are the closest people to me in the palace. For a moment or two, I consider blurting out the whole story. If they knew about it, then there is no doubt it would be real.
But I can’t do that to them. The lack of blood on the sheets will delay the discovery, but it won’t delay it forever, and I knew that. The palace physician will check to see if I have been taken before the wedding. There is no way around that.
And to keep a secret from the king… I won’t put them in that position.
If he discovers that I am not a virgin—when he discovers it—there will be consequences. Everyone in all the lands will know that I let a man have me before I was wedded, but it’s not only that.
Depending on how my father takes the news, I could lose some—or all—of my royal inheritance. I will lose political sway with most of the other kingdoms, and my new husband might lose his influence as well.
A new wave of anxiousness comes over me but I stifle it down.
It is a fact that I am no longer a virgin, but it is not a fact that needs to weigh on Alice and Blanche.
“I don’t need more sleep.” I give them my brightest smile. “I’ll simply get dressed early today.”
I’m dressed early enough to take one of the horses from the royal stables and ride on the grounds.
I misjudged my soreness entirely and groan in a bit of pain as I mount him.
This was very possibly a mistake, but one I cannot let on.
With a gritted smile, I spend my morning with a slow walk of my horse, Galen, and the beautiful sunshine.
He’s a beautiful chestnut, and I struggle to maintain a straight face as he pulls to a gallop along the fields as we usually do.
Two guards on horseback trail me at a respectful distance. After a while, I’m numb to it, but not completely. My mind is plagued with the thoughts of last night and I drift off.
I think about the man in my bed over and over. The grounds are green and lush ahead of me, with a forest on one side and a meadow on the other, and even surrounded by this beauty, my mind keeps returning to those few minutes I spent with a stranger in the dark.
Of the most shocking feelings is the pride.
I’ve chosen my own suitor for the first time in my life.
It was my decision and no one else’s. Well apart from the stranger in the shadows who indulged in the act with me.
Loosening the reins and allowing Galen to pull into a full stride, I wonder if he’ll be there today.
I wonder if he’s waiting for me. Surely he enjoyed himself as well? I wonder if he would enjoy it again.
“Does he count as a stranger now that we’ve been together?” I whisper comically to my horse, who pays no attention to me.
I do not count as a stranger to him, I decide. He knows my body intimately. He could see the way I moved and feel how I reacted. He knows much more of me than I know of him.
I take a deep breath and urge my horse on faster.
The man in the shadows could be any man at court, and the only way I would know is if he spoke to me. But he did not, although the groans of pleasure he made will be etched into my memory forever.
I tip my face to the sun and let the breeze blow through my hair.
Though I was heated and not completely in control of myself when I spoke the words in the sitting room, it was what I wanted.
I wanted to be taken. I wanted to know the pleasure of being fucked by a man before I got married.
It was shocking to find that I have such power over a man.
It was shocking to find that he wanted me—it seems—as much as I wanted him.
Yes, there were times when I was afraid. I was afraid he would not come, and I was afraid he would come, and I was afraid I would somehow disappoint him.
But in many ways, it was the perfect encounter. He did not speak, and I did my best to muffle my sounds. It was dangerous for us to speak, so I could not embarrass myself. My body showed him what I desired, and he gave me more of it.
He gave me more of…him.
It was the most terrifying thing that has ever happened to me, and it did not happen by chance. It happened because I asked for it, and the man in the shadows—whoever he is—gave it to me.
It’s scary to be given what you want. I did not know that so clearly until now. I was so nervous, but I was also exhilarated and thrilled and—in the end—I was satisfied. I was not left wanting more.
Not in the moment, anyway. Now, as I speed across the green grass on my horse, I can feel want growing in me. I want another visit at night. I would accept a blindfold, if it was necessary.
Would the man wish to be my lover? The only harm would be in getting caught. But if I do not accept a hand, and it appears there are none waiting for me, I can live my life as I wish.
I want more of the pleasure that man can offer, and I am not so certain that I can find it with anyone else.
I let out a sound of frustration. If I try to find him, what will happen? He will disappear into the shadows. If he thinks I’m trying to force him to reveal himself, then he might vanish, never to be seen again.
Then he really would be a dream. Nothing but a fantasy I had one night. It would be as if I were alone in my bed, making it up in my head.
I could spend the rest of my life looking for someone who could measure up, but—
A sound behind me finally gets my attention.
“Princess!” I pull the reigns of my horse back and Galen comes to an abrupt stop, protesting with a shake of his head. One of the guards is calling. I think he must have called for me several times. I bring my horse up short and hold my hand up to him.
“Princess,” he shouts again, riding hard for me.
The guard arrives a few moments later.
“Princess,” he says, and swings off his horse to kneel. “Your father has alerted me. Your presence is required. He’d like to prepare you for several offers of marriage.”
“I’m sorry?” I question breathlessly. There was no one who showed interest. Surely there must be a mistake.
“The letters have only just arrived today. They will begin arriving within the week.”
My heart plummets and my hands go numb.
“Princess Cora.” The guard looks questioningly at me. “This is good news,” he assures me.
“Yes,” I answer him before swallowing thickly. “I’ll see to my father at once.”