Chapter Thirty-Three
I was in a cavern, swimming at the top of a long, dark tunnel. A gate closed above me, trapping me in the tunnel while water rushed up and out all around me. I could barely keep my face above the water, struggling to breathe. I put my hands on the metal bars but didn’t push. I accepted my fate.
Something waited for me at the bottom of this shaft, and I knew I had to reach it. It didn’t stop the terror I felt.
Down, down, down I went. Feeling like the walls were closing in on me, no light, my lungs aching and begging me to return to the surface so that I could breathe.
But I couldn’t do that. I had to keep going.
The water crushed me, my head became hazy, dizzy, and my limbs shook, but I kept swimming. Kept going.
I felt like I was about to burst. I couldn’t help it. I struggled and fought, but I opened my mouth to call for help and the water rushed in.
“I won’t let you drown.” I woke up to Xander pulling me into his arms. “You must have rolled away from me. You won’t drown.”
He had me flush against him, his arms holding me tight. I sighed happily, letting the nightmare recede so that I could enjoy where I currently was.
“I like this better without clothes,” I told him.
“So do I.”
There was a knock at our door and I heard Io calling out my name.
“Oh no,” I said. I moved myself forcefully away from him, back over to my side of the bed.
“What are you doing?” He sounded both confused and amused. “My sister has both seen and heard us doing worse.”
“I told Io that I would stay away from you.”
“Why?”
“She’s afraid that I’m going to hurt you. Because if I survive—”
He interrupted me to say, “When you survive.”
“When I survive,” I said, just to placate him, “then I have to return to Locris and stay there.”
“What?” This was apparently new information for him.
“I promised the goddess that I would reinstitute her worship and reopen the temple in Locris.”
He looked down. “Does it have to be you?”
I couldn’t tell him everything about my dream where the goddess had given me the eye, but I could share enough. “I saw it. In a dream. I am the one who is supposed to save Locris. The responsibility is mine.”
He nodded and his jaw clenched briefly before his gaze returned to mine. His expression went neutral, disguising whatever he was actually feeling. “That has always been the plan, hasn’t it? It’s what you’ve said from the beginning. Our contract ends and you return to Locris.”
“Yes. And Io thinks . . .” I couldn’t tell him what exactly his sister was worried about. He and I steered clear of saying anything about our feelings.
“I can take care of myself,” he said.
“I know. And I don’t want to hurt her, either.”
“You know that I can hear your mumbling voices, right?” Io called out. “I know you’re awake!”
“Come in!” I said as I moved to the edge of the bed to stand up.
Io entered the room with an eager smile. She had Luna with her, and Luna ran around in circles, frisky and excited. Her wings were fully out, and they looked strong and sturdy.
She bounded over to me, and to my astonishment, she used her wings to fly up and land on the bed.
“You clever girl!” I said as I sat down next to her. She looked immensely pleased with herself.
“She’s been practicing all morning,” Io said fondly. “She can fly short distances. She suddenly appeared in my room and tried to eat Priam. I told her that we do not eat my pets. She disappeared and came back with some blood on her mouth, so I’m assuming she found something else.”
I saw Io try to suppress her shudder.
“Are you an aether dragon?” I asked Luna.
Yes.
Not that I needed the confirmation, but it was nice to have. “She says yes,” I told the others.
“I still think the blinking is a coincidence,” Xander said as he sat up in bed, rubbing his face.
“She’s talking,” I insisted.
“Luna’s the reason I have this new formulation to break your link,” Io said.
She handed each of us a vial. “I knew I was missing something but I wasn’t sure what.
But given that aether and dragons are so important to the goddess, I started thinking that if fire dragon’s blood burns and poisons, what would an aether dragon do?
My instinct is that it heals. So I added aether to the mixture. ”
Xander held his vial up. “You put dragon dandruff in this?”
“Just drink it,” Io said.
I put it to my lips and swallowed it down. “It burns,” I told her.
“Hopefully that means it’s working.” When Xander had finished his, she said, “Let’s test it.”
He took out the dagger he kept in the drawer of his side table. He cut his left palm and I braced myself for the impact.
But it never came.
“You did it!” I said. But there was no excitement behind my exclamation. It felt as if I had lost something. A special connection that I’d once had with him.
And now it was gone.
“Good,” he said gruffly. Would he miss our link, too? “We should get ready. We need to leave immediately.”
Io came over to hug me and I could feel her relief in her embrace. Now she wouldn’t have to worry about one of us dying and the other meeting the same fate. She hurried out of the room and promised she would meet us in the courtyard in a few minutes with the rest of our adelphia.
She closed the door behind her.
“I’ve sent a note to the council that I’m heading out to meet with a Thracian contingent,” he said. “Which isn’t necessary, because Thrax has already sent a message to his people and they’re on their way.”
“There’s no need for pretense with the council. You don’t have to come now,” I pointed out. “Io broke the link. You don’t have to watch over me and make sure that I don’t die, because now you’re safe.”
He stared at me for several heartbeats before saying, “Wife, I know that you are dangerously smart, but sometimes you say things that make me question it.”
Then he went into the washroom, slamming the door.
I was trying to avoid our feelings, and by doing so, all I seemed to do was upset him.
Luna pressed her front paws against my chest, as if to get my attention. I stroked her favorite spot, just behind her ears. She made a purring sound like a cat and I smiled.
“I’m leaving,” I told her. “I’ll be back in a few days. You need to stay here.”
No.
“Luna, it’s too dangerous. You can’t come.”
Yes.
She disappeared and immediately reappeared at the foot of the bed, watching me defiantly.
She had made her point. “I couldn’t stop you even if I wanted to, could I?”
No.
Stubborn tiny beast. I got up to get dressed. As I stood behind my screen and changed, I thought about how I had been ready to have sex with Xander last night in order to break the bond.
Not knowing that Io had figured out a way to do so with a potion.
How would I have felt? If we had gone through with it and then discovered that we hadn’t needed to?
I wasn’t sure that I would have regretted it, and that was a problem.
The trip to the Syrilline Mountains was surprisingly uneventful.
Xander had left Thrax in Troas, bringing Rokh, Dolion, Stephanos, and my adelphia.
I wished that Dolion had been the one selected to stay behind but didn’t say as much.
He avoided me, refused to make eye contact. I wondered if anyone else would notice.
We initially headed north, as if to meet up with the Thracians, and then turned east. In case we were being watched.
I wanted to ask Xander if he worried about leaving Thrax in the city while we went on a mission to meet his people.
It would seem like he should be the obvious person to bring along.
What if Pelias questioned why he wasn’t here?
But I knew that he would want to stay with Quynh and the baby, and he was captain of the guard. He was in a position to issue orders and commands if necessary, more so than the rest of the phratry.
Once we turned toward the mountain range, Ahyana asked what would happen if we ran into the Carian army.
“There’s no chance of that,” Rokh told her. “They’re in the south. They’d be fools to come up this far north and east of Troas. The terrain on the other side of the mountains is particularly treacherous to traverse.”
Xander had muttered to himself when he saw that Luna was coming with me but he didn’t try to stop it or complain out loud.
She practiced her flying, leaping off my horse’s back and then flapping around until she tired.
I held out my arm for her to land on and she was careful with her tiny claws so that she wouldn’t hurt me.
Night was falling when we arrived at the base of the mountains. We all set up camp—Zalira and Ahyana focused on building the fire while Suri, Io, and I helped the men construct the tents.
After the tents were up, we ate a quick dinner, during which I discovered that Luna liked cooked meat as much as she did fresh. She curled up next to the fire and went to sleep.
When we finished eating, Xander asked Rokh and Dolion to scout the perimeter to make certain we were safe and Stephanos to take the first watch.
But instead of looking out for potential enemies, Stephanos only had eyes for Zalira. I could see that she was torn—she wanted to go and talk with him but was worried about how being close to him might hurt them both.
I completely understood.
It was why I ducked into one of the tents.
I hadn’t been able to stop watching Xander, thinking about everything he had said and done over the last couple of days.
I usually felt like I was in the dark where he was concerned, but it had somehow gotten worse.
It was better to put a cloth wall between us so that I wouldn’t keep staring.
The flap at the front of the tent lifted, and as if I’d summoned him, Xander entered the tent with his bag.
“You didn’t eat very much earlier,” he said, sitting down across from me.
“My stomach is unsettled.” There was a lot going on.
“Here.” He reached into his bag and pulled out a cloth-covered bundle, handing it to me.
I took it, but before I opened it, I already knew what it was.
Pasteli.
He had packed that for me.
It should have made me happy but instead it was like tiny knives pierced my heart. It was such a thoughtful gesture, but we . . . couldn’t be that way.
The openness we’d shared last night felt like it was gone. His expression was guarded again. Because he needed to pull back, too?
We had admitted we wanted each other.
And I had to think that a man who claimed he wanted all of me—body, heart, mind, and soul—had feelings beyond just caring for me. He was trying to protect his heart the same way I was.
“I wanted to speak to you,” he said. “If something happens to me, I’ve left instructions with Thrax that you are to be made queen regnant.”
That meant I would rule, and rule alone. “What?”
“You were right. The only way things in Ilion will change is for them to change at the highest levels. More council members should be women. And the queen of Ilion should be of equal status with the king. Not beneath him, but beside him.”
His words managed to both thrill and depress me at the same time. “But I’m leaving.”
“If I’m gone, would you consider staying on?”
I didn’t think I’d be able to stay in Ilion if something happened to him.
“I think Ilion needs you,” he added. “Someone who sees things the way that you do.”
Did he need me? That was the question burning on my tongue, but instead I asked, “Why are you making arrangements for something that’s not going to happen?”
“In case you hadn’t noticed, people keep trying to kill us. They may succeed at some point. I’m preparing for the worst.”
I nodded, ignoring the dark emotions his words brought up. He wasn’t allowed to die. “And if something happens to me, will you—”
“I’ll make certain Quynh is taken care of. And your adelphia.”
Not able to help myself, I put my hand in his. I needed to touch him. He knew me so well. “I’m not sure Troas would be happy about me being their queen. They might have some negative things to say about it.”
“I will kill anyone who speaks against you,” he promised.
“Then you would have a very full schedule of shedding blood.”
We both smiled and fell into a comfortable silence.
“Eat,” he reminded me. “You need to keep your strength up.”
With my free hand I broke a piece of pasteli in half. I offered one to him. Something flashed in his eyes and then he took it. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” I picked up my half and began to eat. It didn’t affect me the way it normally did. It was still good, but the way that he was speaking, as if we were approaching the end . . . it made the pasteli not nearly as delicious.
Perhaps this was the time to get some answers.
“If I ask you something,” I said as my pulse raced, “will you be completely honest with me?”