Chapter 30
Thirty
They had already cleaned me up so the only thing left to do was put on my blazer and head to class. Varian follows behind me as I enter an already full classroom.
Just fucking great.
I look at no one and nothing as I hurry to my seat even as stares are pointed at me and I can tell people are whispering.
It shouldn’t be obvious about what happened since my scent is so muted you wouldn’t be able to smell Varian or Castiel on me, but I am just remembering that I had come all over Varian’s leg and he did not change.
I clench my jaw as I take my seat and coil tight claws around my blood to keep myself from flushing or blushing or going red in my face because I can smell myself on him.
Jullia smirks at me and hands me my bag I didn’t get the chance to grab when Varian kidnapped me.
“Don’t even start,” I hiss and her eyes crinkle.
I start pulling out my tablet right as the bell rings, and looking like he didn’t just make me black out not twenty minutes ago, the professor faces the class. His red eyes land on me and heat zips through our bond.
I block him out as he announces the lesson for today. Keeping my eyes on my tablet as I glare at it. These fucking celestials could be a little more discreet.
I missed classes yesterday and Monday, but apparently it was some sort of filler thing because today we’ll get to group up with who we can and continue working on our projects from the library.
The War of Gods.
“Presentations will begin at the beginning of March giving you all nearly two and a half months,” he announces.
“This will be your last grade of the year and final test. I expect you all to use your resources and have information that has not yet been discovered or is not known by the school board as you will be presenting in front of us all, as well as the Mage Board.”
Murmurs and whispers go up about that.
“I know, I know,” he tries to calm us, “but this is why you have ample time to conduct your research and why you have unlimited access to the library. And remember, failing this class means failing Syngenia.”
He lets us go after that and returns to his desk. I can feel Jullia’s blood slightly rushing as she blows out a breath and faces me.
“How are people supposed to present information that has not yet been discovered or that the Mage Board does not already know about? Half of the board has lived since before the end of the War of Gods.” I raise a brow at her and she scoffs at me. “I mean for everyone else. You don’t count.”
“Why don’t you count?” Rothwhile asks as he pulls a chair up behind us and sits. Mila is dragging another chair as everyone else moves to get into their groups. The demon and our other partners have this class at a different time.
Twisting my chair around, I sit and pull my legs to crisscross and lean back and point my stylus at the tiger shifter. “What is your first name, Rothwhile?” I turn to my left and at the empty chair. “And where’s Callahan?”
The shifter clears his throat and when I look back at him he’s blushing. “Uh, Adam. And he’s excused since he’s with everyone else getting the training room ready for all the first years.”
Jullia has her tablet in her lap and is typing away on it.
“Asher says Callahan, Thorne, and Darian will be at the arena all day preparing for later today. There’s over a thousand of us being added, though these classes will only be once or twice a week to help with self-defense.
It’s technically separated from the External Controlling class.
Anyone else who wants to start the actual training will need to be approved by Professor Asier and D’etre, though they’re unlikely to say no. ”
“Yeah,” Milia adds, “they’re even letting potential fourth and fifth years be actual trainers because of how much of an influx this is going to cause.
Of the two thousand-ish students that make up the second, third, fourth, and fifth years, only about a quarter of them go into the training program.
External controlling is a mandatory class, but there are still tiers within it for how serious you are about becoming a warrior, guard, or soldier. ”
That was a lot of information.
“So basically we’re all doing self-defense and if we want to further our training we can enroll in the external controlling class, we just have to get permission?
” The three of them nod and that was a lot easier to understand.
To Adam and Mila I ask, “So are you two gonna go into training now or wait until second year?”
Mila shrugs. “I think it’s stupid that they make us wait until second year anyways so I’ll be enrolling. I have some training experience but I’m not a warrior.”
“Neither am I,” Adam says sheepishly. “Despite what I am, I never wanted to hurt people. It may be selfish but I don’t want to fight.”
Mila looks like she’s about to agree with how selfish that is, but a memory and emotion filters through my brain. An image of this room but destroyed appears, with me looking behind me at them.
“That is completely – “
“Unselfish,” I finish for Mila. She gives me a dirty look, but I shake my head at her. “I know what it’s like to be designated for a role because of your biology and magic. I know what it’s like to be a slave to your aura and fate.”
I remember what happened after I looked back at them. Standing back up and facing the Death Devil during that first attack.
“People will tell you you’re violent and dangerous. So you try to be soft and gentle. You hide your claws and fangs and make yourself smaller for the comfort of everyone else. And then they scorn you because when they choose to want you to be violent and dangerous you say no.”
I look up at Adam and I know he understands.
“And besides, it should not be your responsibility to fight and kill if you decide you do not want war. People may say that’s selfish because you have the means and the power and the magic, but it’s selfish forcing people to do something so monstrous when all they want is peace.”
“But you fought.” I look over to Mila and I realize the room has gone silent. “You had the means and the power and the magic and you chose to fight. Why wouldn’t someone want to help for the greater good?”
How interesting. . . normally it’s the high fae who are incredibly selfish.
“I am different than Rothwhile – “
“But it doesn’t matter.”
“It does.” And I do the same thing I did in the library to shut everyone up. Releasing a tendril of my aura imbued with raw magic. It makes Mila stiffen and I can feel her drawing her aura up in defense. “It does because my soul and aura and magic are aligned. Death is what it knows.”
“And what about your morality?” We all turn towards the front desk where a red-eyed devil is sat and watching us. “There is a difference between morality and soul. What does your spirit want?”
I shake my head. “That only works if you have a spirit and set morality. Not all races are tied to set morals – “
“I’m not asking about other races,” he interrupts.
I snap my mouth closed and look away from him off to the side. A whispering voice floats in the back of my mind and for once I don’t try to block it out. Even though it makes a tremor run through my hand and pressure build within me.
When do you feel most alive, Mavyn? When you’re living. . . or when you’re taking a life?
I softly close my eyes and concentrate everything, blocking the rest of the world out, to keep it all contained. His voice echoing in my mind and I thought that release from this morning when I was outside before the front of the school would have helped but it doesn’t.
Not as so much builds and my soul trembles with the control.
A war between two versions of myself raging.
When you’re living. . . or when you’re taking a life?
He hadn’t meant it to be harsh or cruel, it was simply a question he was curious about.
“There are too many complexities within to shove all that we are into one box,” I finally answer when I’m sure-enough that I won’t explode and I can open my eyes again.
“There is no such thing as good or bad, right or wrong, choosing to fight and choosing not to. Morality is subjective and can shift. I fought not because I was able to, not because I knew I would win, but because I truly just wanted to. I wanted to release my aura and use my magic and to kill. Because at my core, that is what my magic is.”
“But you don’t want to kill all the time, right?”
Another memory plays before my eyes. A little girl with hair touching the floor dancing to a song she made up in a field of flowers.
After that is the memory of me singing that same song with the spirits of the Willow of Lore.
And after that is me in that moment when I let my soul breathe.
“You can want two things at the same time,” I softly answer Adam.
My soul warms with life and love and home.
“And your concern is misplaced. You can want two things at the same time just as you can be two things at the same time. Life and death are two sides of the same coin. That is the only constant within the universe and everything past it. Balance.”
The room is quiet and I let it sit for only a couple seconds before turning to face my group and grabbing my notebooks.
“Speaking of balance,” I say to my group, “this is why even the gods can be killed, however they cannot be killed by another god. So they got creative in the War of Gods.”
Hushed murmurs start again as everyone gets back to their work. We only have a little over two months to get everything up, and while I have the knowledge so it should be easy for us, there is still so much they don’t know.
The hour and a half flies by and so does the rest of the day. Professor Mackley takes over Castiel’s class since he’s at the arena and Varian ends up being absent from Intro to Power Compulsion because of everything.