Chapter 6 #2
Sive was surprised how open Sam was about his compulsive gambling problem, but she saw the value in it as it lifted the veil of shame and secrecy around it and helped others to talk freely about their addiction problems. ‘You still go to the meetings, though?’ she asked as they all trooped downstairs together and out into the chill evening air.
‘Yeah, I try to help out as much as I can.’
‘I guess you’re not coming to the pub, then?’ Mitch asked as he set Jack down on the pavement.
Sam shook his head. ‘Not tonight.’
‘Neither are we,’ Sive said as Mimi joined them. ‘We’re meeting Aoife for an early dinner before her show.’
‘And we’ve got homework to do,’ Ciara said, taking Jack’s hand.
‘See you all tomorrow, then,’ Mitch said as they all parted ways.
‘So how did rehearsal go?’ Aoife asked over plates of nachos and tacos in a buzzy little Mexican restaurant close to Halfpenny Lane.
‘It was brilliant,’ Sive said, scooping guacamole and sour cream onto a tortilla chip.
‘Alan’s great,’ Mimi said. ‘And it’s a fantastic cast.’
‘I can’t wait to see it.’ Aoife heaped a pile of nachos onto her plate. ‘How’s Sam doing?’
‘He’s really good, isn’t he?’ Sive said to Mimi.
Mimi nodded. ‘I must admit I was surprised just how good. And he’s completely in his element.’ She took a sip of water. ‘But Sive says nothing happened on their date.’
‘I told you it wasn’t a date.’ Sive frowned. ‘It’s not like that. We’re just friends.’
‘Really?’ Mimi treated Sive to one of her signature single eyebrow raises. ‘Since when?’
‘Since always. You know men and women can be friends, right?’
‘Did you learn nothing from When Harry Met Sally?’ Mimi said drily.
‘You know that’s total nonsense,’ Sive said.
‘Of course I know it’s possible for men and women to be friends. But it can get awkward when they fancy the pants off each other.’
Sive couldn’t help feeling a warm glow at the thought of Sam fancying the pants off her. She sighed. ‘I used to think that too – that he fancied me. Now I’m not so sure.’
‘And you’re okay with that?’ Mimi asked. ‘I thought you liked Sam.’
‘I do, but… I don’t think he sees me that way. He’s just friendly and flirty, but it doesn’t mean anything. He’s like that with everyone.’
‘He’s never flirted with me,’ Mimi said. ‘Well, except when I hired him to.’
‘He wouldn’t, though, would he? You’re with Rocco. It’d be rude.’
‘You were with Ben,’ Aoife pointed out. ‘It didn’t stop him.’
‘But I’m not anymore. He knows I’m single now.’
Mimi frowned. ‘I must say, I wouldn’t have thought he’d be shy about coming forward. If anything, I’d have said he suffers from an over-abundance of confidence.’
‘Exactly. So he’d have made a move if he wanted to.’ Maybe they’d both flirted freely, safe in the knowledge that it wouldn’t go anywhere.
‘Well, give him a minute. Maybe he thinks it’s too soon?’ Aoife suggested. ‘You have only just broken up with Ben.’
‘Maybe.’ Sive frowned. She thought of the phone call he’d had the other night and the way he’d gone running off to meet ‘Julie’. ‘But he could already have a girlfriend, for all I know.’
‘No way.’ Mimi shook her head emphatically. ‘We’d know about it if he did.’
‘I could ask Jonathan, if you like?’ Aoife offered.
‘No!’ Sive shrieked, horrified. ‘That’d be mortifying.’
‘I’d be subtle – just casually wondering. It’s not as if he’ll know it’s coming from you.’
‘Okay, maybe.’ The chance to get some insight into what was going on with Sam was tempting. ‘But only if you can do it in a way that isn’t cringey for me.’
‘There is another way,’ Mimi said. ‘You know you don’t have to wait for Sam to make the first move? This isn’t the 1950s – more’s the pity,’ she added with a sigh. ‘You could ask him out.’
‘But what if he does just think of me as a friend?’
Mimi shrugged. ‘You can still be friends. You’ve nothing to lose.’
‘Easy for you to say.’
‘That’s fair.’ For all her forthright attitude, Mimi hadn’t been proactive about making the first move with Rocco.
‘Anyway, I’ve decided it’s a good thing if we just remain as friends.’
‘Have you gone off him?’ Mimi asked.
‘No, I just don’t think that’s a good idea.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because … We’re practically family now. He’s Jonathan’s brother and he works at Halfpenny Lane. It’d be so awkward if something happened and then we broke up. We’d still have to see each other all the time.’
Mimi frowned. ‘You can’t let that stop you. If it’s his working at Halfpenny Lane that’s the problem, we can always fire him.’ She took a bite of tortilla chip and raised her eyebrows as if it was a genuine offer.
Sive laughed. ‘He’d still be in our lives because he’s Jonathan’s brother.’
‘And I am not sacking Jonathan,’ Aoife said with a grin.
‘Well, you could always have an amicable break-up,’ Mimi said. ‘Honestly, I can’t see the two of you having anything else. Besides, why would you break up anyway? You’re not the breaking up type, Sive. You’d probably still be with Ben if he hadn’t—’ She broke off and took a sip of sparkling water.
‘Gone off with Anna Purna,’ Sive finished.
It hit her with a thud that Mimi could be right.
She’d been content with Ben, drifting along in their little bubble, and she’d probably have continued that way, never questioning the relationship.
It had been safe and familiar. But had she been happy in a deeper sense?
Had there been joy? Excitement? Not for a long time, she realised now.
Their relationship had been like an old sofa that you’d had for years, comfortable and cosy, but it was just there, literally part of the furniture and you never questioned how much you really liked it and whether you’d still pick it out now, given the choice.
‘I’m just not sure it’s a good idea, me and Sam. I mean, he’s a really good friend. I don’t want to screw that up.’
‘Ben was your friend, wasn’t he? It didn’t stop you.’
‘And look how that turned out.’ She took a sip of margarita. ‘And Sam’s practically part of the family. He’s like a brother to me.’
‘Really?’ Mimi gazed at her, one sceptical eyebrow raised. ‘You seriously believe you’d be happy for Sam to treat you like his sister?’
‘Sure,’ Sive said with a shrug. ‘It’d be nice to have a brother.’
‘You don’t need a brother. You’ve got us. And how do you think you’d feel when Sam brought his girlfriend home to meet the folks?’ Mimi peered at Sive over the rim of the glass she had raised to her lips.
Sive’s heart lurched. She hadn’t thought of that. She already felt sick at the idea.
Mimi nodded. ‘That’s what I thought.’
‘But it isn’t just up to me, is it? And I don’t think he sees me like that, so—’
‘Oh, Sam sees you like that, believe me. Back me up here, Aoife.’
Aoife nodded. ‘Mimi’s right. He’s completely smitten.’
‘If you really like Sam, you should go for it,’ Mimi said. ‘Maybe it won’t work out, but don’t let that stop you taking a chance. Maybe it will. Look at me and Rocco.’
Sive reared back in shock. ‘But you broke up and you didn’t see each other for four years.
You were devastated.’ It had almost destroyed her sister when Rocco had left her to move to LA.
It had frightened Sive and Aoife how broken she’d been, sinking into a fugue state for months, a ghost of her former self.
‘Yes, but that just goes to show, doesn’t it?’
Sive raised an eyebrow, not sure what exactly it was supposed to show.
‘I didn’t lose him for good. He came back.’
‘Are you saying if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen? What’s for you won’t go by you?’
Mimi shrugged. ‘Maybe. But you know I don’t believe in that fated mates nonsense.
It won’t just happen while you sit idly by.
When Rocco came back into my life, I risked putting myself out there again.
We both did. We could have hidden our feelings and settled for being friends, but we took a chance. And look at us now.’
Sive had to admit Mimi and Rocco were a very convincing argument for taking a chance on love. She’d never seen a couple so happy together, so perfectly attuned to each other.
‘I know it’s scary,’ Mimi said, her face softening. ‘But it’s so worth it. Believe me, I’d much rather have what we have now than be pals with Rocco.’ She rolled her eyes.
‘And if it hadn’t worked out? What if you’d wrecked even the chance to be friends?’
Mimi gave a puzzled frown.
‘Better to have loved and lost?’ Sive suggested with a smile.
‘Okay, you got me.’ Mimi raised her hands, palms up. ‘I’m all out of platitudes for today.’ She forked a jalapeno popper. ‘Besides, I can’t see you and Sam ever falling out. You’re both far too amicable and easy-going to let that happen, even if it doesn’t work out between you romantically.’
‘So … I have nothing to lose?’ Sive bit her lip, feeling a little shiver of excitement at the thought.
‘Nothing but potentially the greatest love of your life,’ Mimi said with a grin.
Sive thought about everything Mimi had said as she got ready for bed that night.
There was no denying she liked Sam – and not in a sisterly way.
So why was she so hesitant to pursue it?
It wasn’t like her. She’d always seen herself as a go-with-the-flow, fly-by-the-seat-of-her-pants kind of girl who threw herself headlong into life with carefree abandon.
But how true was that really? Perhaps it wasn’t by chance that nothing in her life had altered much since their parents died.
She was still living with her sisters in their childhood home; she’d had the same boyfriend since she was fifteen.
Maybe she wasn’t the free spirit she thought she was.
Looked at objectively, her life was small, sheltered.
Had she been clinging to the familiar all this time, playing it safe because deep down she was afraid of change?
She tried to sort out her feelings about Ben.
She missed him, but not as much as she felt she should.
Maybe it was because she’d got used to him being away for long stretches of time.
It probably should have told her something that they’d led separate lives for almost a year, and she hadn’t minded much.
But she knew what it meant to be able to do what you loved as a job, and she’d been happy for him that he had that.
And she’d had her own work to throw herself into.
She’d had no problem getting on with her life during his long absences.
She’d missed him, but she’d always known he was out there somewhere, still hers, still coming back to her at the end of his trip.
Maybe it was that idea of him that she missed more than anything.
She knew her sisters had never really understood the relationship.
She and Ben were so different; they had so little in common.
But Sive suspected that was partly what had drawn her to him.
She’d loved his steadiness and stillness, and taken comfort in his quiet, dependable presence.
Maybe she’d clung to the security of it more than she realised, hungry for any scrap of continuity that was left after the death of her parents when her life was full of chaos and upheaval.
She’d had her sisters, of course, but they’d been dealing with the loss in their own ways.
Aoife was struggling to take on the role of parent, doing her best to provide a sense of normality and security for Sive and Mimi, and Sive hadn’t wanted to make it any harder for her than it already was – especially since Mimi had that covered, acting out and rebelling in every way she could think of.
It had seemed to Sive that the best she could do to help was to keep her head down and not rock the boat.
She’d felt strangely lonely at times, despite the three of them living together.
It was like there was no room for her grief and anguish, no space for her to fall apart.
She’d done her best to stay positive and cheerful, and support Aoife by not making waves.
Having Ben had been such a comfort in that time, knowing there was someone who was there for her who wasn’t dealing with his own grief and could make room for hers. She’d always be grateful to him for that.
She’d loved the closeness and ease of being with Ben.
It was familiar and cosy, like a comfort blanket – which didn’t sound like the kind of relationship she should be settling for at her age.
And while the thought of starting something new was scary, it was exciting too.
Maybe it was time to live up to her self-image and take some chances…