Chapter 65
Allie
Ryker leaned against the closed door, head caved between his shoulders. His back rippled with tension and exhaustion.
Yet what flowed through the connection was an excitement tinged with…worry? More nerves? It was still hard to grasp a particular emotion when it didn’t overwhelm all the others.
I, for one, was a tightly wound ball of jitters that I wasn’t able to quiet.
“I’m sorry.” His voice filled the large space which had felt empty for so long. The fortress had lacked the thrum of life, suffocated by the uncertainty of it all.
I swallowed thickly. “For?”
“Hurting you.” He pushed himself from the door and turned to me, but didn’t make a move to approach. “Above all else, that is what I am sorry for. You were right. I was taught how to handle things by myself so the problems wouldn’t weigh down others. It’s a hard habit to break.”
Didn’t I know it? “It almost feels impossible at times. But–”
“That isn’t an excuse. I’m simply complimenting your keen senses.
” A corner of his mouth ticked up, even as a sadness enveloped him.
“The dagger. Evie’s wedding. It would be easy for me to say that I did the right thing, now that we’ve won the war.
But…if the cost of that success is your pain, it’s not truly a triumph. ”
He inhaled deeply, shaking his head. “I didn’t want to hurt you or anyone else I cared about. I wanted everything to be resolved smoothly and I did everything I thought I needed to in order to make that happen.”
I huffed a small sigh. “Life doesn’t work like that.”
“No, it doesn’t. I can’t–” He licked his lips.
“I can’t keep taking on problems after problems and think I’m the only one who knows how to solve them.
Yes, I learned to do it so others wouldn’t feel the pressure, but over time it evolved into something different. ” His gaze slashed to mine. “Control.”
I sucked in a breath. “Are you saying you want to control me?”
Too many emotions battled within me. Rebellion, knowing nobody could control The Huntress–or Allie. Depraved thoughts, knowing I craved losing my control in a single heated, sweaty, wild way.
“No. I admire that you can handle yourself,” he said. “That doesn’t mean that I don’t want to protect you. It’s a compulsion at this point. I need to know you’re safe. You know I worry.”
A smile pulled at the corner of my lips. “You do.”
“That will never change,” he said, voice caught somewhere between a warning and a fear of being rejected that he tried to stamp down. “I like knowing my people are safe. Doing everything in my power for that. That doesn’t mean that I don’t like being in control. That has to change.”
“What brought on that epiphany?”
He looked at me for the longest time. “Because you also like to be in control.”
“I don’t like being in control all of the time.” I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, cheeks heating up. This was not the time and place to talk about that kind of control, no matter how much my thoughts tried to tug me in that direction.
“No. Not all the time,” he smiled slowly, eyes darkening. “But most of it.”
“I was raised to be a leader,” I said primly.
“What a coincidence, so was I. We need to find a balance.” He bit the side of his lip, as if I could concentrate on an important discussion while he was doing that. “If you want to, of course. I’m willing to do everything it takes to achieve that, but I can’t do it alone. Not in this.”
His words tugged at my heart, they did. It was hard for people like us to be vulnerable, especially in front of each other.
I couldn’t lie, the future he was painting was enticing.
Balance.
Peace.
Trust.
But those things didn’t just happen and weren’t easily earned, especially once lost. I felt his pure intentions–but what good were they if the actions inevitably led to more hurt?
However, he’d had the courage to open up–and I was no coward.
“You did hurt me,” I said, even that small admission feeling like I was ripping a part of myself before anyone else got a chance to. I couldn’t stop a drop of venom from coating my words, even as I felt guilt pulsing through his soul.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I truly am.”
“I know.” I licked my lips. “You know what the bigger problem is?”
“I’m always ready to be enlightened.”
“I really would have done the same thing.” I shook my head against reality, but it was the truth. Not some hissed line I’d thrown at him. “I’ve had a lot of time to think about it. I understand everything that led you to those decisions.”
I inhaled, long and hard, trying to quiet the drum of my heart that shook my voice. I didn’t have blood powers to calm me down, I only had air–though I knew Ryker would help me if I so much as hinted at it.
“But that doesn’t change the fact that you broke my trust,” I went on.
He closed his eyes with a sigh.
“And–and I know it’s hard to live with the idea of betrayal, let alone act upon it,” I said. “But it happened.”
“It did,” he said sadly.
“And it can happen again,” I said at last, words cracking. “How do I know it won’t?”
My question clung in the air between us, gaining more power as it rested there without an answer.
That was the crux of the problem.
I couldn’t live through another betrayal. Not from the people I loved.
“We came into this from enemy Clans, with our own different promises and responsibilities,” he said slowly, as if he wanted to taste every word before setting it free, to make sure it wouldn’t sour the already tense discussion.
“We waded through them as best we could. Right now, we have nothing holding us back. No secrets. Or almost no secrets.”
“I can’t tell you about Dax. I’m sorry.” I shook my head. “But I can tell you, again, that he is absolutely no threat to you, your Clan or anyone other than our own enemies.”
That damn silence descended upon us again, toying with the modicum of patience I’d managed to gather in these last few weeks. I hadn’t forgotten my promises to my father, even in this.
“Alright,” Ryker said. “I believe you.”
“Just like that?” I gaped at him.
“Yes.”
“How?” I asked, frantic.
I wanted to have that same strength.
“I feel your heart. I know you’re not lying.” He finally left the safety of the door and approached me. Slowly, just like I’d been careful not to rattle him after Geryll had died.
He cupped my face gently, staring into my eyes like he wanted to uncover every crevice of my mind and lay bare his.
“We’re similar,” he said. “We don’t need a true mates connection to know that. Our souls beat the same.”
They did. More than I’d wanted to realize.
I grabbed onto his forearms, my skin igniting at that small touch.
“We want the same things. Feel the same. Yet we’re different in other areas.
You’re the storm and I’m the calm within it,” he went on, breath ghosting across my forehead.
“We can build a beautiful future together. Without secrets. Without either of us facing obstacles alone. We can be the fiercest team Malhaven has ever seen. We decide what our future will be. And I want to believe in that future.”
I wanted that, too.
All of it.
But my heart still bled, unsure of his words even as they rang true through me.
“It would be my greatest honor to face this life by your side,” he said. “If you accept me. If you allow me the chance to prove myself to you. Together, we can do anything.”
I almost leaned toward him, the energy between us turning into a magnet I couldn’t ignore.
“I don’t want a marriage of convenience and Clan politics.” His voice dropped. “I want you. Your heart. Your stubbornness. Your pride. Your knack for keeping me up at night with your fierce antics, but somehow making the silence comfortable. And I want to be that for you.”
My lips parted, but no words came out.
It was beautiful, the tapestry of our life that he was weaving.
But, for once, I didn’t want to rush.
Not in a rejection.
Not in an acceptance.
That future he kept talking about wasn’t built with grand declarations and displays. It grew slowly, in those quiet moments when someone lent a hand you didn’t ask for, in stolen glances over tea, and laughter in the halls.
One thing I did know for sure, though.
“We do need to be on the same team,” I whispered. “Whatever happens between us…we must always stand on one side.”
Disappointment tugged at his energy, even as he kept his face calm. “I understand.”
“I don’t know what else to say right now,” I muttered. “I want everything you’ve just said, but I cannot forget what happened. Perhaps one day I will forgive. But I give no guarantee on that.”
Human and vulnerable. Going into battle to save a city was a split-second decision, but the bridging between two souls was another matter entirely.
Risking my heart felt more dangerous than risking my life.
Ryker wanted to protect me–but I wanted to protect myself as well.
“Time,” I said at last. “Time will be your only ally.”
Perhaps, one day, it would be mine.
My own disappointment beat against his.
Two souls that had been caught in a whirlwind created by others, left to gather the pieces. One day, we might be able to cement them back together.
But today was not that day, even as my heart and mind screamed at me to throw myself in his arms and forget about the entire ordeal.
To his credit, Ryker smiled, still staring at me like he was mesmerized, grateful for each breath he inhaled in my presence.
“I’m a patient man,” he said. “And a hopeful one, it seems. The fates have not brought us together for nothing. I intend to prove that.”