Chapter 14 #5
“And you see that you can’t fight what you feel for someone?
I know how it feels,” I whispered. It was the truth—I had the same feelings he did, and I knew how powerful, how irrational, and how irresistible they were.
They were a force of instinct, not intellect, a blind, intense force that drew us together and wouldn’t let us stay apart.
It was as though our bodies had chosen each other even before we did.
“And what do you feel?” he asked with a hint of mockery in his tone.
“So much. You feel like the object of your affection is always first in your thoughts, like you would do anything for him, and that brings out both the worst and best in you. You think he’s out of your league, and he scares you so much because he makes you feel things so intensely it’s like being sick,” I answered, snaking my arms around his waist as he cradled my face in his huge palms. He looked intently at me, as if considering what I’d just said, then gave me a chaste kiss on the lips, too fleeting for real pleasure, and smiled.
“You on this shit again, Tinkerbell? You know I can’t stand it when you get mushy,” he chided me sarcastically and walked around me, passing a hand through his thick hair.
I stayed there, puzzled. Neil didn’t seem to understand how sincere my feelings were and apparently thought I was blowing hot air.
“You’ve confused sexual chemistry with something that doesn’t exist, Selene. I’m never going to stop telling you that.” He continued walking, putting more distance between us. Again.
“Are you kidding me? If I was merely attracted to you, I never would have tolerated all the unacceptable things you’ve done and…” I trailed off when Neil turned to face me, glowering, his gaze now shadowed with menace.
“And if I didn’t have this body, this face, my skills in the sack, would you be having those same fantastical emotions?” he sneered at me, gesturing to himself with a smug grin.
“Of course,” I answered firmly—he didn’t even need to ask, but he stepped back from me and shook his head.
“Such a liar,” he said, and there it was. He really didn’t believe me.
He turned his back on me and kept walking.
And it occurred to me that the sensible explanation for his attitude had a name: Kimberly.
She was the one who had twisted Neil’s mind, implanting lies in a child’s head that lingered even when he was grown.
She was the one who had made him believe that all women were the same and, just like her, only wanted to use him.
She was the reason he was so convinced that I was lying to him.
“Wait,” I said, trying and failing to catch up with him.
“Neil. Slow down,” I pleaded, but he wasn’t listening, so I broke into a light jog until I pulled even with him.
“Please stop!” I said, my hand grazing his arm, and he rounded on me, terrified.
Inexplicably, he appeared to be genuinely frightened of me, and not because of what I’d just said.
He was looking at me like I was some enormous monster ready to annihilate him, so I hunted for a way to calm him down.
I needed something normal to talk about.
“Have you ever had a Coney dog?” I asked him, apropos of nothing.
I felt truly insane for asking such a dumb question.
Neil’s face scrunched in confusion, and he cocked his head to one side, giving me a look that was both thoughtful and bewildered.
Even like that, he was beautiful, and that realization almost made me smile.
Then, I chewed my lip awkwardly as I waited for his reaction.
As his eyes slowly returned to the familiar color I loved so much, I breathed a sigh of relief.
“What?” he asked, surprised, so I cleared my throat and rephrased my suggestion.
“I’m hungry, so let’s get to the diner.” There, now that was a much more comprehensible offer.
“A… A…Coney dog?” he repeated while my eyes lingered on his full lips, which I had decided ought to be illegal. I somehow managed to pull myself away and focus on his question.
“Yeah. It’s like a hot dog with meat sauce, and they put mustard and onions on top—”
“I know what a fucking Coney dog is!” he burst out, and I flinched at his aggressive tone.
I felt suddenly ashamed, and several seconds passed in which neither of us said anything.
I tried not to cry while Neil put one hand on his hip and palmed his face with the other.
When the silence got too unbearable, I erupted.
“I am trying to get along with you! I am trying to talk to you, to understand you, to reassure you; I’m doing everything I can, for God’s sake!
But you are unmanageable!” I continued, having reached the limits of my tolerance.
Neil watched me, dumbfounded, before heaving a sigh and ruffling up his hair.
“Okay, okay, calm down,” he murmured in surrender. “I have a shitty temper; I do realize that,” he admitted with his typical ease.
“I’m hungry, so I’m going to get something to eat. You can follow me, or you can go back to New York right now. You choose.” I gave him my ultimatum and pushed past him with a shoulder check that didn’t move him an inch. Still, I continued to strut briskly away.
Enough.
“Where are you going?” he called out behind me, but I didn’t turn around.
“Away from you!” I answered, waving my hand in the air.
We were having a pretty heated argument right there on the sidewalk in the middle of my neighborhood, but I couldn’t care about that.
“Selene!” he called, and I heard his footsteps behind me. I ignored him.
“Tinkerbell,” he tried again, like that nickname was going to get me to turn around. Another flop. “Babygirl,” he pressed, and I raised my middle finger at him.
“Now that I really consider it, it’s not so bad being behind you. At least this way I get a nice perspective on your ass,” he said, probably just to needle me, but I continued to walk forward determinedly.
“How good a look can you possibly be getting? I’m wearing a coat, genius,” I spit back, aware that he couldn’t have seen anything at all and that he was just trying to mess with me.
“I know your entire body by heart. How many times have I had you on all fours?” he said with a self-satisfied chuckle, and I stopped mid-step and looked around hastily, fearful that someone had heard him.
“Are you nuts?” I leveled a furious stare at him and adjusted my purse against my shoulder.
“You’re taking advantage of my patient nature here, Babygirl. I don’t chase after people, you know,” he answered, suddenly dead serious. The corner of my mouth quirked, and I narrowed my eyes.
“Apparently you do because you’re chasing me right now, aren’t you?” I asked sarcastically, and he cocked an eyebrow.
“Only because I want you to get back home safely. I promised your mother, you know.” He winked at me, and I felt the confidence drain out of me.
Did my mother seriously still plead with my dates to keep me safe?
But hold on a second…
How had Neil gotten past her thick armor in such a short time, anyway?
“Stop wondering why your mother trusts me. I’ll never tell,” he said, and my eyes went wide with surprise. Sometimes Neil’s ability to understand me actually scared me.
“I can’t deal with you anymore!” I continued walking.
For the first time, I missed us having sex without talking about anything.
Absurd when, just a few minutes ago, the idea of only being “used” by Neil had genuinely upset me.
Then, I was struck by a detail I had previously overlooked.
Recently, Neil had been demonstrating a certain sexual restraint.
On several occasions, he’d touched me without ever trying to cut to the chase.
Each time, it felt like something was keeping him from letting go.
Even in the pool house, when we had engaged in a kind of foreplay I had never even imagined doing with a man, he had stopped before he reached orgasm. The question was, why?
Lost in my thoughts, I failed to navigate around a pool of slush on the sidewalk. I slid across the icy concrete, and the heel of my boot snapped, making my ankle twist slightly.
“Nothing’s going right today,” I grunted in exasperation as Neil caught up with me. He looked at the shoe I would probably have to throw away and barely managed not to laugh at me. I fumed at him.
“Well, Cinderella, now that your slipper’s broken, where do you think you’re going?” he mocked me, but I refused to lose heart. On the contrary, I limped my way past him again. Maybe fate was against me, but like a true fighter, I wasn’t going to let anything keep me down.
“Come on, stop. You can’t walk like that,” came Neil’s voice from behind me, and moments later, he grabbed my wrist firmly enough to make me turn toward him. I was about to tell him to let me go when Neil moved to stand in front of me with his back facing my way and crouched down.
“I don’t know how long I’m going to be here, but I want you with me the whole time,” he admitted. “So get on.” He turned his face back slightly and pointed at his strong back, tucked under his tight leather jacket.
What?
“So I’m supposed to just mount you?” I leaned my head to one side and blinked several times.
“Yeah. I’d prefer to be the one doing the mounting, but I’ll settle for this,” he answered slyly. I should have been expecting that.
“Why do you always have to be such a perv?” I muttered, wrapping my arms around his neck.
My fingers brushed against his hard pecs, and just then, his hands slipped down to the backs of my thighs so he could hitch me up.
My coat briefly presented an obstacle, but he reached under it, and finally Neil straightened up like I was no heavier than a feather.
On instinct, I hugged his hips with my knees.
“You don’t mind my perverseness in bed,” he shot back wryly. “Hold on to me,” he added immediately, and I obeyed him. I also rested my cheek against his ear and let myself get drunk on his scent.