Chapter 17 #4
“What?” I stepped back and put my hands on my hips, one foot tapping against the floor. If Neil was trying to get on my nerves, he was succeeding wildly.
“You can’t dangle sex in front of me to get what you want, Tigress.
” He advanced on me slowly, and I backed up until I hit the wall behind me.
I hated—absolutely hated—how confident he was in his mastery of me.
“I’m not going to fuck you. Not today…” he said again, propping his elbow up on the wall and checking me out from top to bottom.
“Though I must admit, the urge to tear these leggings off you and bury my tongue between your legs is…considerable.” He used his index finger to delicately stroke my throat, devouring me with his eyes like a starving beast. Then he grabbed a lock of my hair and began to play with it.
“It’s gotten so bad, I’d probably have to keep you trapped in that pretty little room all day long and…
” he moved closer to my ear and breathed in my smell, his muscular chest pressing against my breasts.
“Just dive into you.” He took my earlobe between his teeth, and I pressed my thighs together.
I probably stopped breathing entirely, but then Neil pulled away abruptly, leaving me off balance and staring at him.
“To the grocery store, then?” he asked. He gave me a mischievous look, fully aware of the power he wielded over my body.
Meanwhile, I tried to get a grip on myself.
My legs were trembling, and my heart was beating at a gallop, but I tried not to show my vulnerability to him.
I went upstairs to change, and as soon as I was ready, I strutted past him like a woman who was completely sure of herself.
***
Half an hour later we stood outside the grocery store and paused in front of the automatic doors. “Ready for a thrilling experience?” I teased, adjusting my coat as Neil took one last drag from his Winston.
“The shit I have to do…” he grumbled, rolling his eyes. “At least no one in this town is going to recognize me out here acting like some whipped boyfriend.” He strolled inside with his usual swagger, and I followed him.
“It’ll be so much fun; you’ll see,” I told him sarcastically.
As soon as we entered, I grabbed a cart and pushed it along in front of me. I glanced back at Neil, who did nothing but huff continuously as we walked along.
“You plan to snort and puff the whole time?” I asked him as I moved around the various shelves, stopping periodically to look at the products on display.
“Are you going to stop every other second?” He pushed his hand into the pocket of his sweatpants, which pulled the fabric taut over the bulge between his legs. My eyes moved there and lingered for a few moments.
“And what product are you perusing now, Selene?” Of course Neil noticed, and my eyes darted back up to his face. His eyebrow was raised, and he had a sexy little smirk that I would have loved to kiss right off him. So, naturally, I turned beet red and awkwardly resumed pushing the cart along.
“Nothing. Don’t get any ideas,” I sighed.
Ignoring Neil, who was giving me a sideways look, I bent to grab a bag of chips and tossed it into the cart.
“Okay, you have to try Better Made chips while you’re—” I stopped when I noticed Neil looking sharply at a graying man right behind us.
The guy, who appeared to be in his midfifties, was obviously intimidated and turned away hastily.
Neil turned back to look first at me and then at the leggings I was still wearing and frowned at me.
“Don’t bend over like that,” he scolded sternly before walking a few steps away, looking irritable and unsettled. I stayed rooted to the spot, though, trying to work out what had just happened. “Are you coming?” he prompted.
“Is something wrong?” I asked cautiously as he walked along beside me with his hands still in his pockets and his gaze icy.
“Nope,” he answered, sounding annoyed. He didn’t even look at me, so I decided not to push the issue. I stopped again, this time to get some pop and other munchies, while Neil looked blankly at the shelves, a bored expression on his face and his mind a million miles away.
“Hey, pistachios!” Out of nowhere, he darted away from the cart like an overexcited toddler, making me whirl around in surprise.
“Are you insane?” I pressed a hand to my chest in fright, but he ignored me as he grabbed three packages of shelled pistachios.
“These are just for me,” he said, grinning as he tossed them in the cart.
“Don’t worry, I’d never let a package of pistachios drive a wedge between us.
We’ve got enough of those already,” I complained, steering the cart toward the candy aisle.
“Do you like chocolate? My mother and I go through a lot of it. Honestly, we’re kind of fiends for it and…
” I glanced back at Neil and saw that he looked especially distracted.
I looked around to see what had caught his eye, and then, not far from us, I spotted an older blond woman absolutely devouring him with her eyes.
Neil was definitely reciprocating. He stood there motionless, staring fixedly at her, and she was under his spell.
I wasn’t sure what to do. Watching him slip back into who he had been—who he always would be—hurt. I kept calm and reminded myself over and over that love meant total acceptance and that it wasn’t my job to judge Neil, but to understand him.
I abandoned the cart then and walked over to him, touching his arm.
When I was confident that he wasn’t about to snap at me, I shifted my attention to the woman in question, who turned away the moment she noticed my presence.
Neil then looked at me in irritation, and I braced myself for an outburst, but he surprised me instead.
“Just the dark kind,” he said calmly, looking straight into my eyes.
“What?” I asked stupidly.
“Chocolate. I only like it dark.”
He was letting me know that he’d heard while at the same time making it clear that he didn’t want me asking any questions about why he’d been staring at that woman so entranced.
“Okay, then. We’ll also get something with dark chocolate,” I said with a small, tight smile, trying to hide how disappointed I was by his behavior.
I crouched down to get a candy bar from one of the lower shelves, but as I got back to my feet, I felt a sudden dizziness that made me stumble. Neil’s arms caught me in midair.
“Selene, are you okay?” He held me by the waist, staring down at me in concern, and his smell wrapped around me, making me forget about everything else.
“Yes, it’s just…a little vertigo,” I answered, rubbing my forehead. “Ever since the accident, it happens occasionally. I’m fine, though.” I tried to regain my balance while I deposited the candy bars in the cart, but his golden eyes refused to move away from me for even a second.
“Maybe you’re overtired. Do you want to go home?” he asked kindly, and I shook my head.
“No, it’s gone now. They never last long, and I’m fine.
” We stared intensely into each other’s eyes, and I could tell that Neil was probing for some hesitation in me.
When he found none, I let go of him, and we continued our journey.
Except now Neil insisted on pushing the cart, his elbows resting on the green metal bar.
His bulging biceps did not escape the sly eyes of the various women in the store.
“You doing okay back there?” I glared over my shoulder as I walked ahead of him, focused on getting the rest of our necessities.
“Only because I’ve got such a great view of your lovely ass. You know how partial I am to it,” he answered, openly leering at my butt.
“Okay, we’re in a grocery store, so—”
“Here, this is the aisle you need,” Neil teased as we turned down the feminine hygiene section. The shelves, packed with intimate cleansers, pads, and tampons, made me remember an outlandish question I’d been meaning to ask him.
“Why didn’t you ever use a condom with me?” I turned to find him already watching me. This wasn’t exactly how I wanted to have this conversation, but as usual, I’d moved too fast. Immediately, I felt embarrassed.
“Because you told me you were on the pill,” Neil answered flatly, still frozen in that cocky stance with his forehead wrinkled in thought.
“That could have been a lie, though. But you trusted me,” I said.
“You wouldn’t have the balls to lie to me about something like that,” he said confidently.
“So that’s your decision-making process? A woman tells you she’s on the pill, and you just take her word for it?” I lowered my voice, burrowing my hands into my coat pockets. And yes, I probably did look like a little kid just then, but I didn’t care. Neil just gave me a mocking smile.
“No. You’re the only one I went bareback with. I already told you that; you don’t have to keep asking me the same questions to verify that I’m telling the truth,” he answered quietly and honestly, and knowing that aspect of our relationship was in fact unique did make me happy.
“Why…only me?” I walked slowly back toward him, looking him in the eye and hoping for an actual explanation. A grocery store wasn’t the best venue for this conversation, but with Neil, I had to take advantage of the rare moments when he seemed open to answering my questions.
“Because I know you. I know your sex life and your history. I was your first and only, thus far. Besides, I like feeling you skin on skin. It’s different when I sleep with the others,” he said, shrugging a shoulder. “I also usually have strict rules about oral. I like to receive, but I don’t give.”
“But you…uh…to me…” I paused, too embarrassed to continue. Neil just sighed.
“No more questions,” he said in a weary mutter.
“I’ve already got it figured out: I’m special,” I said in tones of satisfaction as I watched his eyebrows fly upward. Neil’s face grew severe—more severe than usual.
“No, you’re being an annoying girl, and that’s it,” he shot back and walked away from me, but I decided I wasn’t going to give up.
“I saw how you stared at that blond woman before.” Neil halted the cart at my words and then let go of it to look at me.
“Jealous?” He shot me a born seducer’s grin, but I ignored him to grab a few more items and tossed them into the cart.
“No, not at all,” I answered, taking the metal cart handle in my hands and pushing it forward.
Almost immediately, though, I felt Neil’s chest plastered against my back, his huge palms resting over my hands, and his chin balanced on the top of my head.
I stopped abruptly, an uncontainable fire spreading throughout my body until it came to rest deep in my heart.
“One day, you’re going to have two incredible children. A boy and a girl. You’ll have a dog, a beautiful home, and a husband who loves you…” I tilted my face to one side, focused on his deep voice.
“You’ll be an independent woman, elegant and attractive.
Your husband will be crazy about you. Your daughter is going to have your blue eyes, and her brother will have your strength and tenacity.
You’ll go on family trips together every weekend.
You’ll host garden parties and barbecues with music and dancing for all your friends.
You’ll be an exemplary mother, a dream wife—the perfect woman.
Your husband will be a lucky man. One day, Selene, you are going to find out that you’re pregnant, and you will be so happy, but when that day comes, I will not be the man at your side,” he concluded seriously, looking completely unaffected by that little speech.
I turned fully so I could stare into his luminous eyes. He kept his arms stretched out to hold the cart, and my slim frame was enclosed by his more powerful one. Just then, though, it wasn’t his body that was crushing me but his words.
“And what about you? Where will you be?” I tried to match his cold detachment but failed miserably when my lips began to tremble and my eyes started to sting.
“Somewhere out there in the world. I’ve always dreamed of traveling.
Of getting away from everything and everyone.
I mean, a person like me obviously can’t aim for a family, a wife, and kids, right?
What would I be able to give them? My constant chaos?
My famously terrible temperament?” He shook his head sardonically, and there was no hint of doubt or second-guessing in his face.
“But you, Selene—you were born to live that fairy-tale future.” He smiled at me, lifting a hand to gently caress my cheek. Except I flinched away from him.
“Stop it,” I whispered, looking away.
“Why? I’ll send you postcards. You can tell me all about how your kids are doing or keep me up-to-date on your husband,” he continued earnestly, despite the fact that it all sounded to me like the most absurd thing I’d ever heard.
“Stop,” I said again, my hands clenching into fists.
“Maybe you’re right. Your husband could be jealous of me. I’ll send the postcards to your mother, then, and she can give them to you,” he said reflectively. It occurred to me that Neil actually believed everything he was saying, and I stared at him in shock.
“Enough!” I shoved him abruptly away from my chest, forgetting entirely that we were in a public place, and I saw his expression turn surprised.
“Why are you saying these things to me? Do you take pleasure in hurting me? Is this some kink of yours I’m not aware of?
” I raised my voice, ignoring the stares of our fellow shoppers who continued to maneuver their carts around us.
“Hurt you?” he repeated, like I was the one talking crazy.
“I just told you how I imagine your future. What’s so wrong about that?
I want the best for you…” he said calmly, but I didn’t respond at all.
I straightened my shoulders and tried to project strength the way I always had to when it came to Neil and the twisted inner workings of his mind.
“Selene…” He drew closer to me and tilted up my chin. “You have to accept reality as it is,” he said with a wistful smile before brushing past me, leaving a void that was filled only with the smell of him.
I knew that because of what happened with Kim, he believed he didn’t deserve a happy future.
He believed that he was tainted. Wrong.
But he was not the problem.
The problem was a past that he couldn’t overcome.
Neil was incredible and deserved all the love in the world.
He deserved a joyful future.
And I would have done anything if only it would pull him out of his darkness.