Chapter 3
three
Chris
I always knew the universe was out to get me.
If I needed any more proof, it’s standing right next to me with an obnoxiously hopeful expression plastered across its unfairly handsome face.
Here I am, trying to do a good deed for my friend by keeping her company on a stupid school trip I don’t even care about, and not only am I stuck with Devon, one of my former teammates who turned their backs on me—I’m also trapped with the boy who broke my heart two years ago.
Seeing Percy again releases a deluge of memories I thought I’d buried.
All those times I’d watched him hurry down the too-tight corridors of our high school with a teetering pile of books tall enough to conceal his face.
How his fingers always seemed to be seeking something new to fidget with.
The way his eyes sparked behind his glasses while considering a new coding challenge…
and how those blue flecks of ice melted into something warm and soft whenever they fixed on me.
There’s a hint of that warmth now as he regards me, his breathless “Hi” hovering between us like an invocation.
I’d tried to ignore him when he’d first come to the ferry’s upper deck, slinking down in my seat and hoping he’d take the hint.
He hadn’t. And now that I’d made the mistake of looking at him, I can’t look away.
I know I’m staring, but Percy’s staring right back, his eyes locked to mine as if by some magnetic force.
Percy was never much of an athlete. In the three years I knew him, he never made more than a half-hearted attempt to exercise, and God forbid he participate in an actual sport.
But that doesn’t stop me from admiring the lean lines of his legs in his snug jeans.
I remember running my hands down those firm thighs, feeling the light dusting of hair there—one of a thousand stolen moments solely our own.
The memory twists and stutters, Percy replaced by the ashamed faces of my parents on the night everything started to fall apart.
Whatever spell binds us together snaps, and I tear my eyes away from him, grimacing at the seat in front of me.
Hi. As if the last two years had never happened.
As if he hadn’t ruined my entire fucking life.
Percy shifts nervously. Déjà vu washes over me as he reaches up to adjust his glasses. I clench my jaw and pretend to ignore him. Whatever we’d once been to each other, that was in the distant past. Percy had made sure of that.
“Um, hi,” Quinn says after a beat, glancing from me to Percy with the question written clearly on her face. “I don’t think we’ve met before. I’m Quinn, and this is Chris.”
“Nice to meet you, Quinn. My name’s Percy.
” He hesitates, his eyes flicking from her back to me.
The wind ruffles his hair again. With the breeze up here, it’s going to be a tangled mess by the time we reach the island.
My right hand twitches in my lap, and I clutch it firmly in my left, angry at myself for the impulse to smooth his hair down like I used to when we were alone.
Percy must come to a decision because he squares his shoulders in a determined way that I refuse to find cute.
“Sorry to interrupt, but Chris and I know each other already. We went to the same high school. I was hoping for a chance to talk to him in private. Would you mind giving us a minute to catch up?”
Being alone with Percy is the absolute last thing I want. “Anything you have to say to me, you can say in front of Quinn.”
Some of Percy’s confidence fades, revealing a flash of hurt beneath. I smother the impulse to apologize. He’s the one who walked away. If anyone here should be upset, it’s me.
“Please,” he says, his eyes wide and hopeful. “It won’t take long.”
I cross my arms “Then you might as well get started.”
He sighs, and now Quinn is glaring at me like I’m the asshole. If only she knew the whole story.
“Fine.” Percy visibly gathers himself, biting his bottom lip.
“I, uh, know it’s been a while since we talked.
But I saw you sitting here, and since we apparently both signed up for this trip, I figured we should clear the air.
You know, make sure we can both enjoy our weekend.
There’s no reason we can’t at least be cordial with one another. ”
Distant lights twinkle behind him across the water.
Laughter rises from the deck below along with the chatter of the other passengers, Devon’s deep voice distinct among them.
A chill wind billows over us while a plume of water rises in the ferry’s wake to propel us forward.
And all I can think about is the last thing Percy had said to me before today: I’m sorry, Chris, but I can’t do this.
I realize I’m trembling, though not from the cold. Slowly, I rise, tightening my grip on the seatback in front of me. “Cordial? Cordial? You want me to be cordial?”
Doubt flickers over Percy’s face, along with something else I can’t parse. “Er…yes?” He clears his throat. “I mean, you’re here, and I’m here, and—”
“And nothing!” I snarl. “Just because we’re stuck together for the weekend does not mean we have to interact. You do your thing, and I’ll do mine. As long as you stay the hell away from me, we’ll survive.”
Percy lowers his gaze to stare at the wooden deck. “I…I thought maybe we could talk. Catch up on the last couple of years.” His eyes flick again to Quinn. “A lot’s happened since then.”
An incredulous laugh escapes me. Percy winces at the harsh sound. “Oh, now you want to talk? Sorry—you’re about two years too late.”
“At least give me a chance to explain,” Percy says softly. “I don’t expect you to understand or forgive me, but—”
“Damn right I don’t forgive you! We both know the only reason you’re even talking to me now is because of this stupid trip. If you really cared, you wouldn’t have waited so long to track me down.”
Percy’s eyes flare with his first hint of defiance. “Come on, Chris, that’s not fair. You could’ve reached out to me yourself at any time.”
“I did! Or have you forgotten those dozen messages you ignored over winter break? How about the missed calls?” Percy’s guilty expression is all the answer I need.
I squeeze my arms tight about my chest as if that’ll somehow stop the pieces of my long-shattered heart from tumbling out.
“You made it perfectly clear how much I mattered to you. Not enough to be there when I needed you. Not enough to keep your word. And certainly not enough to put everything on the line like I did so we could finally be—”
Percy’s eyes widen, his face going pale, and I catch myself before I give away more than I already have.
Quinn is staring at us, and though we’re mostly alone up here on the upper deck, anyone from school could be listening in.
Not that they’re likely to give a shit, but still—judging by Percy’s reaction, he’s still firmly in the closet, and I’d be the last person to out someone against their will, no matter how furious I am at them.
Percy takes a deep breath. “Chris…”
His hand twitches like he wants to reach for me, and it’s all suddenly too much.
This conversation. This trip. My whole fucking life.
My anger fades as quickly as it came, leaving me hollow.
I turn my back on Percy to stare out over the dark expanse of sky beyond the ferry’s bow. “I think you should go.”
“Please, if you’d just let me—”
“Now.”
Percy doesn’t speak. I don’t turn. Eventually, I hear the scuff of his shoes on the wood as he walks away. I wait until the sound fades to tentatively peer back. Percy’s still on the upper level, but he’s put as much space between us as he can, slumping against the front rail.
Seeing him sitting there by himself, looking so morose, sends an instinctive jolt of sympathy through me.
I quickly snuff it out. If he’s lonely, he has only himself to blame.
I’d have been there for him in a heartbeat if he hadn’t done his best two years ago to push me away, abandoning me when I needed him most.
I plop down into my seat and bury my face in my hands. God, what a fun vacation this has turned out to be. And we haven’t even reached the damn island yet!
Quinn shifts beside me, and I feel a hand pat my leg. “So, want to talk about it?”
“No.” My voice comes out muffled, but from her quiet snort, I assume she heard.
“Okay.” She’s quiet for a moment. She leaves her hand on my leg though, and I appreciate the touch—the human connection. It tethers me to the real world when I otherwise feel so incredibly unmoored, like I might float away and lose myself in the night sky.
“I take it you two have history?” she tries again after a time.
I sigh and lower my hands, tipping my head back. “You could say that. We went to the same high school before heading off to college together. Until winter break our freshman year, he was my best friend.”
Best friend…and so much more.
“And then?” Quinn presses.
Scowling, I shrug her hand off my knee. “And then, he wasn’t.”
To Quinn’s credit, she doesn’t push, though I know it’s only a temporary reprieve. I love Quinn, but she’s one of the nosiest people I’ve ever met. She might be willing to cut me some slack when I’m clearly at my most emotionally vulnerable, but she’s not the type to let things go.
Not that I’m doing much better at letting things go.
The ferry ride to Mackinac Island only takes about twenty minutes, but it feels like hours.
I spend the entire time huddled against the cold, barely listening to Quinn’s half-hearted attempts at conversation as I fight the almost irresistible urge to glance at Percy.
I’d meant it when I told him to leave me alone—after how much heartache he’s caused me, I have zero interest in reconnecting. He can keep his sorry excuses and shove his fucking cordialness up his ass for all I care because I want nothing to do with it or with him.
And yet…
This is the closest we’ve been in so long, and I can’t help but wonder what the last two years have been like for him. Has he been as miserable as I have? Does he ever lay awake at night, racked with regret over how everything turned out?
Doubtful—not with his perfect parents and his perfect life. I used to think that life could include me, but I’d been wrong. In the end, he hadn’t wanted that future as badly as I did, and that is a betrayal I can never forgive.