Chapter 11
eleven
Chris
My jaw throbs from all the clenching I’ve been doing when I slip back into my seat at the table. I’m so furious that my entire body trembles and red tinges my vision.
And the worst part?
I don’t even know what I’m so angry about. Talking with Percy just dredged up so many memories of that horrible winter break…
Percy had kissed me goodbye before we’d left campus.
Usually, we drove home together since our parents only lived like twenty minutes apart, but we’d decided to take separate cars that trip.
Percy had said he’d wanted time to himself to think and emotionally prepare.
Now, I wonder if he hadn’t already been considering chickening out and knew he’d need his own escape route.
I wouldn’t have blamed him for having doubts.
It’s not like I didn’t have plenty of my own.
But I was sick and tired of hiding who we were to one another.
Of constantly pretending we were nothing more than friends when we were in public.
It had felt like living a lie. Like I was ashamed of loving Percy when he was the best thing that had ever happened to me. And I’d thought Percy felt the same.
My parents reacted to the news pretty much as I’d expected.
Honestly, it could’ve gone worse—my family had always been more conservative than Percy’s, and there’d been a non-zero chance of them disowning me.
Instead, they’d treated it like they did everything else about me— as a disappointment.
Like I’d intentionally made a poor choice to screw up my future.
Didn’t I know how much harder this would make my life? What about the track team and my scholarship? How would this affect my job prospects after graduation? Being gay was just one more way I’d fucked up and let them down.
But it was fine. It was all fine. Sure, they were disappointed, and sure, it sucked. But I could handle that. After all, I’d been handling it my whole life.
What I couldn’t handle was Percy ghosting me. When my parents were done berating me for my poor life choices and I’d retreated to my bedroom, all I wanted was to hear my boyfriend’s voice telling me it would be all right.
But he. Wasn’t. There.
He’d let my calls go unanswered and didn’t even bother to text until the next morning. And then only the most stilted of responses. Rejection from my parents, I’d expected. But never rejection from him. It had stung so badly that the tears straining my eyes wouldn’t even come.
And still, I’d kept trying to reach him.
That entire first week, I’d hoped and hoped I was misinterpreting what was happening.
That I was being overly sensitive and needy.
Percy and I had been close for years, after all.
No reason to think that would suddenly change.
When he’d stopped responding altogether, my anxiety grew to encompass concern for him as well.
What if his coming out experience had gone even worse than mine?
But if that were true, then why wouldn’t he just tell me?
I could’ve driven over to his house to check on him. I’d thought about it more than once. But one fear had held me back—what if he didn’t want me there? What if I showed up and had to face the same rejection in his eyes I saw in my mom’s? The thought alone was enough to deter me.
So, winter break had passed in a hazy blur. We’d driven separately back to campus, and when I’d finally been face to face with him again and seen that distance I’d dreaded in his sharp blue eyes, it had hurt exactly as much as I’d feared.
“Hey, are you okay?”
Quinn eyes me worriedly from her seat to my right. The one to the left remains empty. And even though it’s my fault Percy’s gone this time, the sight of that empty seat makes something in my stomach tighten.
I whirl on Quinn, and she reels back, her eyes widening at whatever she sees on my face. “What the hell was that?” I hiss. “I told you to leave well enough alone, that Percy and I had a history. But like always, you kept pushing instead of letting me handle it.”
She recovers from her surprise, her nostrils flaring. “Oh, come on. We both know you weren’t handling it.”
“I was handling it just fine!”
“Please!” she scoffs. “You’ve been a mopey wreck all weekend, and I don’t need to be a genius to see why. You can’t always run from your problems.”
“I wasn’t running! He’s the one who ran!” I gesture to the empty seat. “That’s what he does whenever things get too hard!”
My voice is loud enough now that others are starting to stare and Oshkoff is giving us a scowl, but I can’t help myself. Quinn either doesn’t notice that we’re garnering an audience or doesn’t care. “Well, I guess you’ve both still got at least one thing in common, then!”
A furious blush tinges my cheeks. “You don’t have any idea what the hell you’re talking about.”
“Oh, yeah? And why’s that? Maybe because you’ve gotten so good at shutting out the rest of the world!”
“I have not!” I huff, crossing my arms. “I talk to you all the time.”
“Not about the stuff that actually matters.” Her voice turns sad, and I feel a twinge of guilt for taking out my ire on her. “We’ve been friends for two years now, and I barely know anything about you.”
My fingers play with the edge of the tablecloth. “You know plenty about me.”
She shakes her head. “I know you love to write and want to be an author someday. I know you generally hate most people. But beyond that? You barely talk about your family or anything from before I met you. I didn’t even know Percy existed until this trip, even though he was obviously a big part of your life growing up. ”
The mention of Percy brings my emotional turmoil surging back. “I told you already—Percy and I used to be friends. Best friends. Then we drifted apart.” I force a shrug. “Shit happens.”
Quinn lets out a frustrated growl. “Bullshit! Something happened, and I don’t understand why you won’t just tell me about it. Why the two of you still can’t clear the air after all this time.”
“Because he broke my heart!”
I’m on my feet, panting, before I can fully process the scream that tears out of my throat. All eyes are definitely on me now—not only our own table, but the other tables nearby as well. A deathly silence falls, and I feel like I’m suffocating.
My panicked gaze flicks from Oshkoff’s obvious disapproval to Quinn’s open-mouthed shock. How she hadn’t already put two and two together, I’m not sure. Or maybe she had, and it’s the strength of my reaction that surprised her. So much for the healing power of sharing.
The walls seem to tighten around me, and I suddenly can’t stand to be there a single second longer. Maybe Quinn’s right, and Percy and I do have something in common—we’re both cowards.
I ignore Quinn shouting for me to wait, Oshkoff yelling at me to sit down and stop making a scene.
In five seconds flat, I’m barreling out the front doors into the chilly night.
Main Street stretches around me, illuminated by streetlamps.
It’s late enough now that most tourists have left on the ferries, leaving the sparser overnight crowd to wander the streets.
Many of the shops stand dark, but a few, like our restaurant, still blaze with light, catering to those who remain.
Standing there in the cold, tugging my jacket tighter around me, some of my anger dims. I scrub a hand over my face, remembering the tears streaming down Percy’s cheeks.
Jesus, I hadn’t meant to make him cry. But what had he or Quinn expected, cornering me like that and forcing me to relive the worst time of my life?
Or maybe you’re just an asshole. Maybe that’s why you have no friends—why your parents think you’re a failure and the track team turned on you. Why Percy decided he wanted nothing to do with you and kicked you to the curb.
Restlessness compels me down the street.
Despite my mood, I have to admit downtown possesses a certain charm, especially now that the hustle and bustle of the day has given way to quiet darkness.
What must it be like during winter when the ferries stop running and the island basically shuts down?
That kind of complete isolation sounds pretty appealing at the moment.
Eventually, I wander into a pub that doesn’t seem too busy and snag a seat at the bar.
The local beer I order is crisp and smooth.
I finish it in a couple big gulps, then order another.
I could switch to something harder, but beer’s always been my drink of choice.
Besides, I want to numb my thoughts, not end up too smashed to function.
My phone buzzes in my pocket, but I ignore it. Probably my mom with another pointed reminder not to ruin my future. Or maybe Quinn checking up on me.
I sigh and cup my hands around my chilled glass. Out of everyone, she’d deserved my blow-up the least. Her willingness to call me on my bullshit is usually one of the things I like most about her. Tonight, I guess it hit a little too close to home.
Tomorrow, I tell myself, taking a large sip of amber liquid. I can deal with all the fallout of this tomorrow. Tonight, I just need to deal.
A few beers later, I spot a familiar beefy figure walking past the pub’s entrance—Devon, that girl of his wrapped around his arm as usual. The two of them are laughing and looking at each other like they’re the only things in the world that matter.
Envy spikes in my chest, and I shove it down. What the hell do I care about anything that asshole does?
They pause outside the entrance, and my envy twists to alarm. In my current mood, running into him would be a recipe for disaster. The last thing I need tonight is to end up in jail for starting a bar fight.
Thankfully, the two of them keep walking a few seconds later. The tension in my body uncoils as I relax over my drink. One crisis averted. Now if I could only solve the unending crisis that is my life.