Chapter 23 #3
We climb down in relative silence, making stilted small talk as we return our harnesses and catch another rideshare to what the internet informs us is the nearest cheap hotel. By the time we step out of the car and into the lobby, I’ve strengthened my resolve.
Whatever mutual attraction lingers between us, acting on it would be an unmitigated disaster.
Percy remains firmly in the closet, and even if he wasn’t, he already broke my heart once before.
No amount of excuses or explanations can alter that fundamental truth.
Not to mention that we have bigger problems to worry about than attempting to rekindle our failed relationship.
All that matters now is figuring out this time loop crap so we can return to our regularly scheduled lives.
Percy pays for the room—I try not to let the reminder of how much more money his family has than mine bother me—and grab dinner at an overpriced hotel restaurant which I insist on covering.
Conversation flows more naturally now that the memory of what happened at the adventure park has faded a bit, but I know I’m still being terse.
I’m not sure how else to force the distance I need between us.
After we’ve finished eating, we linger in the restaurant. I think we’re both dreading how much more awkward it’ll be once we’re alone. Percy made sure the room he rented came with two beds, but the whole setup remains uncomfortably intimate.
“Want to go out?” Percy asks, fiddling with his empty glass. “I don’t know any place around here, but we could try to find a bar or club or something.” He’s trying to mask it, but the distaste in his voice rings through loud and clear.
I raise an eyebrow. “A club, huh?”
He can’t fully suppress a grimace. “Sure. If you want.”
“Sounds great,” I say easily, leaning back in the booth.
“I bet there’s at least one gay bar around, even out here.
” Percy pales, his fingers clenching around his glass, and I sigh.
“I’m kidding. Though, you should really work on not freezing up whenever someone says the word gay.
You know there’s nothing wrong with it, right? ”
I can’t stop the edge that creeps into my voice, and Percy glances up sharply. “Of course, I know that,” he snaps. “It’s just…” He trails off, clenching his jaw as he adjusts his glasses.
“Do you think your dad would have a problem with it?” I recall my own parents’ reactions. Percy’s seemed the supportive type, but I suppose you can’t always tell.
He shakes his head. “No. I mean, I don’t think so.”
My brow furrows. “Then, what is it? Are you worried about how your friends would react? Because it seems to me like if they don’t accept it, they’re pretty shitty friends.”
Like mine had turned out to be.
He lets out another frustrated growl. “It’s not that either.”
I blink, struggling to understand. “Okay… So, what exactly is the problem?”
“That’s just it! There is no problem. Not a single good reason to justify why I feel this way.
” He shoves his water glass away, and it teeters precariously before settling on the table.
“Plenty of other people have it way worse, yet here I am, scared of rocking the boat. And if I can’t even figure out what’s holding me back, how can I ever move past it?
” He bows his head. “I just want my parents to be proud of me.” Something in his voice niggles at me, makes me feel like there’s more he’s not quite saying, but I don’t pry.
Right now, he needs comfort, not twenty questions.
Still, there’s one I can’t hold back any longer. “That winter break when we decided to come out…was that…I mean, did you really…?”
I’m not quite sure how to ask, but Percy seems to get my meaning anyway.
His eyes flash with understanding. “Did I really intend to go through with it?” I nod, and he smiles sadly.
“I’m not going to lie. The thought terrified me then about as much as it does now.
But…yes. Before I found out about my mom, I was going to, no matter how afraid it made me. ”
“Why?” I whisper. But I already know the answer. It’s in the look he gives me, so full of sorrow and affection.
“Because you were worth it,” he says simply, and my heart breaks a little more at his use of the past tense.
My chest feels too tight, my eyes too fuzzy. I take a long gulp of my water, but that does little to quench the heat searing me alive. “They are, you know,” I say hoarsely. Percy gives me a confused look, and I clear my throat. “Your parents. I’m sure they’re proud of you—both of them.”
Percy stares at me a moment longer, too many conflicting emotions contorting his face to parse. Then, he abruptly stands. “If you don’t want to go out, we should head up to the room.” Without waiting for a response, he starts for the exit.
Guess the conversation’s over. I follow him into the main lobby, and we take the elevator up to the fourth floor.
Neither of us speaks, and by the time our door clicks open, I feel like I’ve regained a modicum of my cracked composure.
No sense dwelling on the past—not when all we can do is keep moving forward.
Assuming, that is, the universe ever lets us.
Percy grabs the bed by the window—which offers a lovely view of the McDonald’s across the street—so I take the one closer to the door.
We don’t have any luggage with us since I’d intended this to be a quick day trip.
If this actually works and breaks the time loop, we’ll have a fun time tomorrow dealing with the fallout.
I can’t imagine Oshkoff will be pleased we ran off together and left all our stuff behind.
And I’ve got about a hundred missed calls and texts from Quinn, wondering where the hell I am.
If one of them doesn’t kill us, the other will.
Percy hovers awkwardly beside his bed. “I guess I can turn on the television?”
I shrug, plopping back onto my own mattress.
“Sure. Not like there’s much else to do.
” I opt to keep my jeans on as I crawl under the covers.
No way in hell I’m stripping anywhere near Percy.
He must think the same because he follows my lead.
He flicks through the channels before settling on some cooking show.
It’s so quintessentially Percy, I snort.
He glares at me. “What’s wrong with this show?”
“I just don’t understand the appeal of watching people make a bunch of delicious food you’ll never get to eat.”
“It’s about the process,” he huffs. “And the competition.”
“If I want competition, I’ll watch a real sport.”
He rolls his eyes and raises the remote. “Whatever. I can change it.”
“No,” I say quickly. He quirks an eyebrow at me. “I mean, this is fine.” Whatever makes you happy.
We fall into a comfortable silence as we lie there watching a bunch of professional chefs make asses of themselves on reality television.
I can’t help but sneak glances at Percy, and I swear I catch him doing the same.
His presence tugs at me, and he somehow seems both closer than he’s been all trip yet also still exceedingly far out of reach.
It leaves me feeling increasingly restless as the night wears on.
Christ, why hadn’t we shelled out for separate rooms?
“We should stay up if we can,” Percy suggests during a commercial break. “I’m curious what effect that might have on the time loop. Maybe it won’t reset if we’re still conscious.”
“Isn’t mixing different variables taboo to the scientific method or something?”
Percy shrugs, the sheets shifting about him. “Usually, yes. But I’m willing to accept a little ambiguity so long as something we do frees us from this mess.”
“Free. Right.”
The word tastes bitter on my tongue, and I realize there’s a part of me hoping the time loop doesn’t end tonight. Which is absurd. Why the hell would I want to stay trapped here any longer than necessary? Nothing that happens while we’re trapped in the loop is real. None of it matters.
Because you were worth it.
My gaze flicks to Percy, lingering on his drooping eyelids and the contours of his jaw. It almost physically pains me when I force myself to turn over onto my other side.
I try to stay awake like Percy wants—I really do. But somewhere in between the mind-numbing cooking shows and stolen glimpses of Percy, my eyes finally slip closed, and darkness claims me.