Chapter 34 #2
The instinct passes as quickly as it came, but it leaves me standing in the cafe, shivering with a thin sheen of sweat. Am I really that terrible a person? What the fuck is wrong with me that I’d even consider doing something like that? My hand shakes as I take a steadying sip of my latte.
Maybe Chris was right when he said I take too much onto myself—that sooner or later, I’d crack under the pressure I put myself under. Because this sure as hell feels like the cracks are spreading.
I brush past my usual seat in the cafe, wanting to put as much distance between myself and Owen as possible.
Besides, after all the mornings Chris and I have spent at that same table, it feels too quiet and empty now without him there.
Instead, I eat in the formal dining room where we’d had pizza Friday night.
The Royal Lilac is quiet except for the low buzz of conversation drifting in from the cafe next door and the drone of a vacuum from somewhere upstairs.
Carol must be doing some cleaning while most of the guests are out.
I lose myself in my thoughts until I hear footsteps echo off the tile behind me. I jerk my head up, heart in my throat as I imagine Chris there, sweaty from his run. But it’s only Carol, wearing one of her usual floral-printed sun dresses, a vacuum gripped in one hand.
I force a smile. “Hi, Carol.”
“Now, don’t sound too excited to see me,” she chuckles.
“Sorry.” I rub my eyes beneath my glasses. “It’s been a rough day.”
She studies my face for a moment, her expression kind, and I glance away, twisting my empty cup between my palms. I track her footsteps as she crosses the room and slides into the chair across from me.
“Is that why you didn’t go with the rest of your classmates this morning?”
I nod mutely. Her fingers tap lightly against the tabletop, and I note the many nicks across its worn surface. When I chance a look up at her, she’s staring off into the distance, a thoughtful frown on her face.
At last, she asks quietly, “Is this about your mother, Percy?”
My breath catches in my throat, my heartbeat coming too fast. That’s not what I’d expected at all.
I’m about to deny it, but then I hesitate.
The last few weeks here with Chris had dulled some of the lingering ache, making it easier to think of my mom without shutting down.
And I’m shocked to discover that I want to talk about her with Carol.
So, I swallow and croak, “I miss her.”
Her lips quirk in a sad smile. “Me too, honey. Your mom was my best friend for many years, though you already knew that. Those summers with her, your dad, and you are some of my happiest memories.”
“Do you think she was happy here, too?”
A look of disbelief flashes across her face, her eyebrows shooting up in surprise.
“Of course! Then again, I reckon she was happy any time she spent with you. But all those days you went out kayaking, the nights we spent playing Euchre, that fudge eating contest we had one year, which I warned your mom was a terrible idea…there was something magical about it all, wasn’t there? ”
“Yeah,” I agree, thinking of the time loop ensnaring Chris and me. “There’s definitely something magical about this place.” I hesitate, searching for the right words to ask what I want. When they don’t come, I just spit it out. “Do you think she’d be proud of me? Even if…”
Even if she never knew the real me?
“Oh, honey,” Carol says. Her hand reaches across the table, squeezing mine where it rests on the tabletop. I squeeze back. “Of course, she would. No matter what. Your mom loved you more than anything.” She eyes me as if daring me to argue. “And I’d know, seeing as I was her best friend.”
I give a wet chuckle, and she grips my hand again before sitting back and smiling at me. “All she’d want is for you to be happy.” Something flits across her face, and her smile dims. “That’s all any mother wants.”
My thoughts return to Owen and the sullen teenager he’s become since I last knew him.
Guilt churns my gut. I’d promised Carol in a previous cycle I’d look after him, and all it had taken was one rude comment to make me give it up as a lost cause.
I could do better. If nothing else, I can keep lending a comforting ear.
“I’m sure he’ll be all right,” I offer. “He’s a good kid.” Or was, at least. But I can’t imagine the excitable boy I’d known has faded away completely, even if he’s currently buried under layers of teenage angst.
Carol sighs and scrubs a hand over her face. “I know he is. But I can also see he’s hurting. There have been some bullying incidents at school, and he doesn’t have many friends.”
Her eyes flick to me, and the guilt in my stomach turns to sludge when I recall how Owen had accused me of abandoning him. “I’m still his friend,” I say firmly.
“Glad to hear it.” Her pleased grin quickly fades.
“But he’s made it clear he can’t wait to get away from this place.
I’d always hoped he might stay—take over the Royal Lilac when I retire.
Not that he has to, of course. He’s free to chart his own path if that’s what he wants.
I just wish he’d talk to me so that I knew how to help my little boy. ”
She looks so lost in that moment that, without even thinking, I move around the table and hug her.
She chuckles, patting my back. “You’re a good kid, Percy.” Her voice softens, taut with emotion. “And I’m certain that, wherever she is, your mama knows that.”
The conversation lingers in my thoughts long after I’ve excused myself and returned to my room, staring unseeingly at RuneWorld Online’s log-in screen.
Carol’s right—my mom had never done anything to suggest she wouldn’t have loved me exactly the way I am.
And even if she had, I can’t live my entire life based on her hypothetical disappointment.
I don’t have anything to prove to her, my dad, or anyone else.
So then, why does it feel like I still have so much to prove to myself?