Chapter 40 #3
After a quick detour to grab Owen’s bag from Sunset Rock, we walk with him down the road, following Lake Shore Drive back toward the Royal Lilac.
Chris hangs onto the pistol, safely secured in its case until either we can return it to Carol ourselves or the day resets and renders the issue moot.
By unspoken agreement, we take up position on either side of Owen like bodyguards escorting him to safety.
The trip passes in silence, all of us lost in our own thoughts.
I know I certainly have a lot to think about.
Once we reach the garden, Owen’s steps slow. He hesitates, eyeing the Royal Lilac like it’s a bomb about to detonate…or a gun about to go off.
“Your mom’s probably still waiting downstairs for you,” Chris comments gently.
Owen gulps. “I know. I guess we have a lot to talk about, huh?”
I nod. “It’s okay if you can’t discuss it all at once—if you need some time to work through things. But after what happened tonight…”
“I’ve obviously kept everything bottled up too long already,” he agrees. He flexes his jaw, his eyes still fixed on the inn.
“Want us to go in with you?” I ask when he doesn’t move. “Provide some moral support?”
He shakes his head. “I think this is a conversation I’d rather have alone.” He glances at us, furrowing his brow. “If, um, if that’s okay?”
“Whatever would make you more comfortable,” Chris replies. He narrows his eyes and holds up a finger in warning. “But we’ll be having our own talk with your mother before we leave, so whatever else you decide to discuss tonight, no more refusing to ask for help. Deal?”
His face grows even paler than usual, but he gives a shaky nod. “Deal.” Chris and I watch, waiting, until at last he sighs and squares his shoulders. “Here goes nothing.”
I expect him to march forward, but to my surprise, he hurls himself at us, tugging us each into a firm embrace.
“Thank you,” he whispers.
Chris swallows roughly, patting him on the back. “All we did was talk some sense into you,” he replies, his voice coming out hoarse.
My chest constricts, and before I can muster my own reply, Owen breaks away, a faint blush coloring his cheeks as he gives us each a parting smile. He heads for the Royal Lilac’s entrance and vanishes inside, leaving Chris and me standing together near the barren lilac bushes.
I avoid Chris’ eyes, afraid of the judgment or condemnation I’ll find there.
“Well, I guess we should head in ourselves,” I manage.
“It’s getting late. Not that it matters since our exhaustion tomorrow will be based on Friday night, not what we did today.
Although, it’s already past one-fifteen AM, so maybe saving Owen really did end the loop.
I suppose we won’t know for sure until the morning. Maybe we should wait up and—”
“Percy,” Chris says softly, interrupting my rambling.
Unable to avoid it any longer, I finally meet his eyes, and all I see is sympathy. Sympathy…and so much love.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before about everything I was going through.
” He crosses his arms, and I realize he must be talking about the confession he’d made to Owen.
“That was a long time ago now. Despite my impromptu suggestion that one loop, it’s not something I’ve seriously considered for quite a while. ”
Staring into Chris’ luminous hazel eyes, his brow wrinkled with concern and his muscles tensed, the dams within me suddenly burst. I surge forward, clutching him tightly and sobbing against his chest.
“Shh, it’s okay,” he murmurs, rubbing my back. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. And neither is Owen. Not anymore.”
Minutes pass before my sobs calm and I can muster the breath to reply. “I love you,” I say, forcing myself to meet his eyes.
He seems startled for a moment. Then he grins, brushing a finger lightly over the stubble on my cheek. “I know. I love you, too. Always have—probably always will.”
I think of Owen then and draw in a shuddering breath. “It’s kinda scary how much of myself I see in him.”
He nods, his face solemn. “Same.” His serious expression shifts to a smirk. “He has a crush on you, you know.”
“What?”
Chris huffs a laugh. “Wow, you really are clueless, aren’t you?” he says, shaking his head. “It was written all over his face. I’d hazard a guess that you were the cause of his Great Gay Awakening. And when you cut off contact…”
I groan, slamming my palm against my forehead. “That only made it hurt so much worse. Dammit, I’m such an idiot.”
“I mean, if the shoe fits…”
I give him a mock shove, and he grins that lopsided grin I’d do anything for. Then another thought occurs to me, and I pale as my good humor drains away. Oh, God…
Chris squints, studying me. “What is it, Perce?”
“Why today?” I whisper, barely able to force the question out past the sudden weight in my throat.
His brow furrows. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, why did Owen pick today of all days to take his own life? Carol told us he’d been having problems for a while now. If he’s been struggling with his sexuality and bullying at school for months, what made him choose this Saturday to do it? Unless…”
Chris tenses in sudden understanding. “Unless it was the university trip,” he finishes. “Unless it was us.”
I nod, a fresh knot of guilt curdling my stomach.
Us…or, more specifically, me. I’d said it myself—if I’d really been his first crush, my lack of contact must’ve been devastating.
With everything else he’d been going through, seeing me again after all these years and convincing himself I’d never cared about him in the first place might very well have been what nudged him over the edge.
A hand on my shoulder snaps me back to the present, and I blink to find Chris’ concerned face filling my vision.
“It’s not your fault, Perce,” he says, his voice firm.
His green and gold eyes hold my gaze. “Owen’s choices in this and every other Saturday were his own—no one else’s.
You can’t save someone that doesn’t want to be saved. All you can do is offer your hand.”
My vision blurs as I think back over all the times I’ve tried to reconnect with Owen since we got stuck in this loop.
Again and again, I’d failed to get through to him…
until tonight, when Chris and I made all the difference in the world.
That realization steadies me, lending me renewed hope.
No matter how many opportunities you miss, it’s never too late to try to do better.
It’s never too late to change.
“Do you think he’ll be okay?” I ask hesitantly.
Chris frowns, dropping his arm from my shoulder to slap a fist into his open palm. “If he’s not, we’ll just have to pummel some more sense into him until he’s willing to listen.”
“Such a jock,” I tease, swiping at the moisture lingering in my eyes.
He shifts closer to me, and my pulse quickens. “Oh, yeah?” he says, raising an eyebrow. “Because it seems to me this jock figured out what was going on when the nerd had no idea.”
I grimace. “I hate that I wasn’t there for Owen when he needed me.” I take a deep breath. It’s never too late to try to do better. “Just like I wasn’t there for you.” Chris’ eyes widen as I reach out to cup his cheek. “But I’m here now. I won’t pull away from you again—I promise.”
Summoning the last of my courage, I lean in. God, I want this so bad. I love him, and he loves me, and after everything that’s happened tonight, I don’t have the energy to keep fighting our connection. I’m ready to be with him, whatever it takes.
But before I can bring my lips to his, he presses a hand to my chest, gently shifting me back.
My cheeks redden. “S-sorry,” I stammer. “I-I thought you wanted—”
“I do,” he says quietly. “You know I do.” His fingertips dust over my cheek in the faintest of touches before he lets his hand fall. “But like you said before, none of this is real. For now, I think it’s best we stay as we are—friends.”
Friends…
I bow my head. It’s more than I could’ve hoped for a cycle or two ago, even if the word sends a ripple of disappointment ricocheting through me.
I want to reassure him that this is real.
That no amount of iterations will change the way I feel about him.
But how can I justify pressing for us to be more after how I’d hesitated with Owen only minutes earlier?
Chris is right to be skeptical. I’ve already failed to fight for him twice before. He deserves better than mere words.
Chris snags my hand, and I look up to find a sad smile gracing his lips.
“If you still feel like this when we escape the time loop—if you can prove to me that I matter when you know it counts—then maybe. But not until then.” He drops my hand, stepping back.
It feels like he’s taking a piece of my heart with him. “Goodnight, Percy.”
“Goodnight, Chris,” I whisper.
Then he’s gone, his footsteps fading across the path until I hear the quiet click of the front door. Only then do I follow, gazing across the shadowy garden after the boy I love. The boy I worry I’m letting walk away again, this time for good.