Chapter 26
twenty-six
Dylan
I leave early the next morning before Ash’s aunt returns. A half-asleep Ash sleepily murmurs that I should stay, but I know I can’t. Not if I want to follow through on the promise we made each other last night in our dreams.
That shared nightmare was precisely the wake-up call I need to stop pretending everything’s all right.
I’ve been struggling for a long time now, hiding it behind a smile and constant motion.
But just like Ash, the only way I’ll ever get better is by facing my demons head on.
I only hope he keeps up his end of the bargain today and speaks with his aunt.
My house is quiet when I open the front door and slip into the kitchen. I let out a relieved breath even as my chest tightens. Guess everyone’s still asleep, which means I have a few minutes’ reprieve until I need to talk.
Running through what I’m going to say in my head, I creep into the living room and freeze. Mom is sitting on the couch, reading a grubby paperback. She glances up at me with a tired smile.
“Oh, hi, honey. Sorry I missed you last night. Tommy said you went over to a friend’s.”
A friend, huh? As if Tommy had any fucking idea where I’d stormed off to after he decked me. For all he knew or cared, I could’ve been freezing to death in a ditch somewhere.
Before I can muster a reply, Mom spots my black eye, her own eyes widening. She discards the forgotten paperback, leaping to her feet and rushing toward me. “Dylan! What happened? Are you all right?”
“I’m fine, Mom,” I sigh, squirming beneath her ministrations. “It’s nothing.”
“Nothing? You have a black eye! Have you been fighting? Is that where you were last night?”
“No, Mom, I wasn’t fighting. I was—”
She tuts, ignoring me as she tilts my head to examine my injury better before abruptly letting go and moving toward the kitchen. My eye, mostly forgotten during the walk home, throbs.
“I have a bag of frozen peas you can put on it. That should take down some of the swelling.”
“Mom!”
My exasperated cry brings her up short. She turns to regard me, raising an eyebrow. I inhale, puffing it out in a steady stream while I gather my thoughts. Here goes nothing.
“I was at my boyfriend’s house last night,” I say, heart pounding as I wait for her reaction.
She blinks once, twice. Then, her grin returns in full force. My hunched shoulders relax as she wraps me in a tight hug.
“Dylan, baby, that’s great! I’m so glad you’ve found someone.” She pulls back, gripping my shoulders as her eyes narrow. “Unless he—”
I quickly shake my head, horrified. “No, Mom, Ash didn’t do this to me! I told you, it’s no big deal.”
“Hmph. No big deal, he says. Well, we’ll see about that. In the meantime, let me at least fetch you those peas.” She presses a kiss to my cheek, a faint blush rising in my neck. “I’m so happy for you, honey. Be right back.”
I sink onto the couch while she rummages around the kitchen. Telling her about Ash had gone about as smoothly as I could’ve hoped. I mean, I’d expected as much. She’s been nothing but supportive since I came out. Still, after what happened with Dad, I’d dreaded the thought of bringing it up.
That was just the warmup, though. The hard part is yet to come.
Mom returns a few moments later, a giant bag of frozen peas in tow. “That thing is bigger than my entire head, Mom!” I exclaim, staring at it.
She shrugs. “It’s all I have right now, and it should still work fine. Just hold it in your lap and press the corner against your eye.”
She thumps the bag into my lap, cold permeating my jeans as I lean it against my chest and lower my head so my eye rests against it. I have to admit, the chill definitely helps my aching face…even if it’s liable to give me frostbite instead.
“Now, tell me all about this Ash of yours,” Mom says, taking a seat beside me on the couch. “He’s that boy who moved here from Maine, right? I hope Banton hasn’t been too big of a culture shock for him. You’ll have to invite him around for dinner soon so we can meet him properly.”
“Actually, Mom,” I say, staring down at my hands in my lap—or at least, what I can see of them past the giant bag of peas. “There’s something else I kinda wanted to talk to you about.”
“Oh?” She settles in, giving me her full attention. “What is it, honey? You know you can tell me anything.”
I fidget with my hands. “Well, you know how I’ve already cut back my hours with Dr. Jenkins so I could help out more around here?
” I wait for her to nod. “I feel like that’s been a good arrangement, but I’ve still been spreading myself too thin, trying to take on too much.
And then college classes on top of everything else, not to mention the money… ”
“Dylan,” she says slowly, her brow furrowing. “What exactly are you trying to say?”
I take a deep breath. “I’ve decided to postpone going to college.”
Instantly, her head whips from side to side. “Absolutely not! Out of the question.”
“But—”
“What about your dream of becoming a vet? You’ve worked too hard to throw it all away now!”
“I’m not throwing it away! Just…delaying it for a couple years.”
Confusion lines her face. “Why on Earth would you want to do something like that, honey? If you’re worried about having to work at the same time, we have your college fund set aside. That plus scholarships should go a long way, and if we have to, we can take out a student loan to cover the rest.”
“See?” I gesture emphatically, the motion almost knocking over the bag of peas. “That’s exactly what I mean! Things are hard enough here for you already. I know how tight the bills are, even with Tommy’s help.”
“We’ll get by somehow,” she says, a stubborn cast to her voice. “We have so far. Besides, that’s my problem to figure out. You need to think about your own future.”
“I am! If I go to school now to become a vet, it’ll cost a fortune and be years before I earn a decent wage. It makes more sense to use my college fund to pay off our bills. Then, I can pitch in for a couple years and take some of the burden off you and Tommy. College will still be there later.”
Mom frowns, leaning in. “And what then? What about when we need a new car? Or the water heater breaks? What about a college fund for Patrick?”
I hesitate, and she continues her barrage. “There will always be something else to spend money on if you let there be. All we can do is prioritize as best we can in the here and now. And I say that your future comes first.”
Her words ring in my ears, suspiciously similar to what Ash had told me not that long ago.
The familiar knot of guilt in my gut wriggles.
“How is it fair that I get to run off to college while the rest of you are stuck here struggling? I don’t want you to work yourself to the bone because of me.
Especially when it’s my fault we’re in this mess to begin with. ”
Her expression softens. “None of our situation is your fault, honey. You can’t blame yourself for everything that goes wrong.”
“But it is my fault! I’m the one who drove Dad away. If I hadn’t come out, he’d still be here!”
Mom reels as if struck. Then, she grips my hand, her face a mask of regret even as she sets her jaw.
“Your father and I’s problems started a long time before he abandoned his family for dreams of stardom.
At most, your coming out offered him a convenient excuse.
So, don’t you for one second put any of that burden on yourself, you hear me? You’re perfect just the way you are.”
I nod, my throat tight as my vision blurs. Mom scoots closer, and I let the bag of peas thump to the floor as she pulls me into her arms.
“God almighty, you’re freezing!” she exclaims, making me chuckle.
She cradles my head against her shoulder, reminding me of the way she used to comfort me whenever I got hurt as a kid.
“I’m so sorry for putting as much on you as I have,” she whispers into my hair.
“I didn’t realize how much stress you were under.
But things will be different from now on—I promise. ”
Heavy footfalls sound from the hallway. I pull back to see Tommy storming into the living room, his eyes narrowed and his expression unreadable.
“Come on,” he barks, grabbing my arm and yanking as he stalks past me.
I let myself be pulled to my feet, wariness warring with my confusion. “Where are we going?”
“Outside,” he replies, striding toward the front door. “We need to talk.”
“But it’s freezing outside!”
He jerks to a halt by the door and rolls his eyes. “Then, grab a coat.”
I eye him and consider resisting. After what happened last night, I’m not sure I should trust being alone with him. But he doesn’t seem angry, more just…intense in a way I haven’t really seen him before. Like he’s on a mission.
Hurriedly tugging on my coat, I follow Tommy out the front door onto the lawn. “Be safe, boys!” Mom calls after us as Tommy slams the door shut and spins, looming over me.
I stand my ground, resisting the urge to shrink back or flee. Let him say whatever he has to say to me. I’d gotten through a conversation with Mom, even if it left me more uncertain over what to do than ever. Now, it’s Tommy’s turn. I cross my arms, waiting for him to speak.
“I heard what you said to Mom. About delaying college.”
I raise an eyebrow. “And?”
“And it’s bullshit.”
An incredulous laugh bubbles out of me before I can stop it.
Tommy’s eyes widen in surprise as I shake my head.
“I don’t know what the hell you want from me, Tommy.
I really don’t. One minute, you’re telling me I need to step up and do more for this family or complaining about how I’m not around, and the next, you’re acting like you hate my guts and can’t wait for me to leave. ”
His brown eyes flick away almost guiltily, staring at a scraggly bush in the yard. He shoves his hands into his pockets. “I don’t hate you,” he mutters.
I point at my black eye. “Really? You could’ve fooled me.”
Tommy doesn’t reply.
I shake my head, turning to the front door and grabbing the knob. “You know what, screw this. I thought maybe if I talked to you, we could work things out, but I see now that that’s bullshit. You’ve hated me since you found out I was gay, and nothing I say or do is going to change that.”
“Wait!”
I pause halfway through turning the doorknob, the hint of desperation in his tone pulling me up short. I stay facing the door as he speaks, his voice halting and unusually hesitant.
“Look, I know I’ve been an asshole to you. I say a lot of stupid shit I don’t mean. The truth is, I…I’m jealous of you.”
Shock ripples through me. I spin to face Tommy, meeting his uncertain gaze. “Half the words out of your mouth are insults calling me worthless.”
He winces, running a hand through his hair. This time, I’m certain I see guilt flicker across his face. That admission of weakness surprises me even more than his unexpected words.
“I was never all that smart,” Tommy says quietly.
“So, after I barely made it through my senior year, it seemed inevitable I’d pick up whatever job I could and stay here to support Mom and Pat.
But you…everyone was always talking about how bright and clever you were.
How you were going to make something of yourself.
Dad and I got along all right, but Mom…she practically shot beams of pride out of her eyes whenever she looked at you. ”
His gaze breaks from mine, staring down at the cracked concrete porch.
He kicks at a loose bit of stone. “I guess part of me resented you for it. Then, Dad left and I…well, I took it out on you. Told myself you were going to leave us behind, just like he did. So…yeah,” he finishes awkwardly, shuffling his feet as he shifts from the heels to the balls and back again. “I don’t hate you.”
I stare at him, struggling to process what had just happened.
In all my wildest dreams of confronting Tommy, I’d never imagined it would go down like this.
That had practically been an apology—or at least, as close as Tommy’s likely to get.
It doesn’t excuse how he’s treated me…but I think it helps me understand where he’s coming from a bit better.
Tommy shrugs. “Well, that’s it. That’s all I wanted to say. We can go back inside now.” He shoves past me toward the door, still avoiding looking at me.
“I used to look up to you, you know,” I say, stopping Tommy in his tracks. “When we were kids. I saw how close you and Dad were, and I wanted to grow up to be just like you. Like my big brother.”
A shudder races down Tommy’s back, and though it might be from the cold, I doubt it.
“I never planned to abandon anyone,” I continue quietly. “No matter what I end up doing next year, I’ll still be your little brother…if you want me to be.”
Tommy doesn’t answer for a long moment. I’m beginning to think he won’t when he finally turns. “I heard you tell Mom something about a boyfriend—is it that guy I saw you with after school? The out-of-towner?”
Tension floods me, and I press my lips together, nodding.
Tommy’s lip quirks as he holds up a hand. “Easy there, tiger. Don’t get your panties all in a bunch.”
“Seriously, Tommy?”
He clenches his jaw, letting out a frustrated sigh. “Dammit, look, I’m not trying to start a fight! All I meant to say is that he seemed like a decent enough dude. And it was pretty clear he cared about you.”
I puff out a breath, my anger fading as a smile plays over my lips. “He is. And he does.”
Tommy jerks a nod. “Good. I don’t pretend to fully understand the whole ‘gay’ thing, but…you do you. And I swear I’ll try to be less of a dick about it.”
“That’ll be hard for you,” I say without thinking. “Seeing as how good you are at being a dick.”
As soon as I realize what I’d said, I tense, bracing myself for Tommy to go off on me or take another swing. It’s the kind of thing I might’ve gotten away with saying to him years ago before Dad left, but not since.
To my astonishment, Tommy throws back his head and laughs. I flinch when his hand lashes toward me, but all he does is ruffle my hair the way he used to. “Point. It’ll be almost as hard as it will be for you to stop being a smartass.”
I follow Tommy inside, feeling like I’m in one of Ash’s dreams. Mom greets us in the kitchen, hard at work on breakfast. As she calls for Patrick and we sit down around the table to dig in, I can’t help but think about how good it feels to have gotten things out in the open…
and about how much further we still have to go.
Plenty of rifts and wounds remain between us.
But it’s a start.