Chapter 16 Dove #3
“But lately…” I swallowed and trailed off.
“I mean, I don’t know. I feel like… I feel as if something is changing.
I just—I sense more, if that makes sense?
Like, what’s under people’s words… there’s more.
I’m seeing more. Feeling more. I don’t know if it’s this trip or if it’s Liv, or you.
I’m at a loss… but whatever felt like it was missing…
it just seems to be falling into place.”
The blankets rustled, and the bed moved, and I knew she had likely rolled onto her side, facing the pillow wall just as I was.
“W-what do you see… when you look at me?” Ellis uttered, and my heart thudded deeply, that familiar ache I felt from her echoing in my ribs.
“Do you want the truth?” I asked her, biting my lip.
“Always,” Ellis murmured. “Even when it’s ugly. I always want the truth. Never lie to protect my feelings, Dove.”
I splayed my palm flat against the pillow wall as her words rang in my ears, and I took a sobering breath, closing my eyes.
“You ache,” I whispered into the darkness.
“Even when you’re smiling or laughing, or when you’re being a smart-ass, spouting out facts like some sort of encyclopedia, or waving your binder around.
You just ache all the time. Guilt is stitched into your skin, as if it’s just a permanent layer.
You’re scared and guarded, backed into some corner of your own making. You’re terrified to reach for more.”
Silence.
Then, a tiny, shaking breath on the other side of the wall, and I ripped my eyes open.
“Ellis?” I murmured nervously. “You okay?”
“I—I feel so stupid,” she whispered, her voice cracked and raw, tear-filled.
“And I know I’m selfish. I know—I know that I’m lucky.
But being given this heart… I feel like I was given something I just don’t deserve, and if I get sick again—if I fail again—it’s like s-some big waste.
A waste of a good heart that could have gone to someone else. ”
I once more ran my finger down the pillow wall, aching to remove it and look at her.
“Ellis, you know they don’t just hand hearts out to whoever,” I murmured, listening to her small cries. “They have extensive lists and rules for recipients. You would have been the most viable candidate to receive Liv’s heart, and yes, I did Google this.”
She sniffed and hiccuped a laugh. “Why did you Google it?”
I put on my big-girl pants and told the truth.
“I wanted to understand you better,” I said, keeping my voice as plain as possible, and her sniffles softened. “You clearly have some deep trauma you’re working through, and maybe you’ll always be working through it… but I wanted to understand more of the why.”
She was quieter now, and I wondered if I had stunned her into silence.
“Ellis…” I said again, my palms sweating.
“You can’t spend your life living in the ‘what if.’ And maybe you’ve been told this a million times, and it’s easier said than done, but you can’t hide from life.
It happens to you anyway. You can’t hide from love or from joy just because you’re afraid of losing it.
You can’t close yourself off. All you’re doing is keeping yourself in a cage. ”
My fingers twitched against the pillow.
“You have Liv’s heart,” I whispered hoarsely, hearing her sniffle once more. “No returns. No refunds. You’re here, and you get to be here. No one’s telling you to bungee jump or go skydiving, but we’re telling you to live—however living looks to you—and that doesn’t include hiding.”
A heavy feeling rested across us, and I felt as if I were being held underwater for a moment, a lone thought passing through my mind.
There’s something she can’t let go of.
I frowned.
“What are you holding onto, Ellis?” I asked her. “What is holding you back?”
A shaky breath left her, and it suddenly felt as if she were working herself up to something big, to utter a truth she didn’t share with anyone, every second of her silence thick with the weight of so many words and feelings unspoken.
“There was a girl,” she whispered, pained. “Alexis.”
Alexis, I thought, remembering her scream on the bridge the day Liv had jumped.
It felt like a long time had passed since then.
“She was… we were… we were in school,” she continued, her voice thick with emotion.
“She was super popular and… and just gorgeous, you know? I was healthy and living life normally again. No more signs of cancer or anything else horrible. And one day we just looked at each other… and we were together.”
The blankets shifted, and it felt tighter on her side, as if she had bunched them up under her chin or something.
“She was my first everything,” Ellis said softly.
“First crush, first kiss. First love. She was wild and full of life. Super popular, and she made me feel so alive and important, and just, everything I thought I was missing for my age faded away, you know? We both got along so well. We never fought. No teenage drama bullshit. Just… just ease.”
A car backfired outside, and I jumped slightly, but Ellis hardly even flinched, as if she were entranced by her own story, or so deep in her memories she hadn’t even heard it.
“When we turned sixteen, it kind of all went to shit,” Ellis mumbled.
“Right after her sweet sixteenth, her parents sat her down and told her they were getting a divorce. Then her dad decided to move to London for work, so not only was her family falling apart, but her dad was now leaving.” Ellis sniffed again and sighed.
“She just became a bit of a mess, you know? She was acting out, starting arguments with teachers or our friends.”
My chest tightened.
“Then… one day… I collapsed at school,” Ellis muttered, a tone of embarrassment in her voice that made me curious.
“I had been feeling off for a while, but I had ignored it. I couldn’t bear the thought of being sick again, you know?
But I fainted. Completely wiped out in front of everyone.
I wet myself. Someone filmed it and shared the video…
it was just cruel. Anyway, while I was in the hospital, Alexis found out who filmed the video and basically…
well, she beat the shit out of them, smashed their phone.
It was a whole thing. She ended up getting suspended for a few days. ”
Ellis paused for a moment, and I found myself holding my breath, knowing deep in my stomach that the next part was not going to be pretty.
“When I got diagnosed with the heart issue… when I told her what was happening and all the potential outcomes… she just—she snapped. She became so dark and so angry. She got kicked off her team for bad behavior, was researching my health issue more than I was… forcing her tarot cards and stones on me. Like, it had been funny when we did it for fun, but she was acting like these cards were the final answer to my fate. She made me believe I was truly dying, and like, look, I was, but there had still been hope back then, during the early days. I wasn’t in full heart failure. ”
Ellis sighed loudly and then sucked in a breath, as if trying to keep her emotions in check.
“It was just too much, you know?” she whispered weakly, her voice filled with tears once more.
“I said to her, maybe it was best if we just had a small break. Each of us just use some time to sort ourselves out. You know, everything was just falling apart, but I was breaking, and she was already broken, and then one day…” Ellis’s voice cracked.
“Our—our friend group always hung out on this rooftop at the back of the school. We weren’t supposed to, obviously, but it was easy to get to, and it was cool. ”
I tensed.
“It was right after I had suggested the break, and we were all up there and—and Alexis was in one of her angry moods. She—she started flirting with another girl in front of me. One of our friends asked her what the hell she was doing, and it just led to this huge confrontation where suddenly everyone was dumping all their grievances, putting it all out in the open. There was so much screaming, so much yelling. Then she started drinking out of this flask—which we figured out was alcohol—which led to more screaming and fighting… and then…”
Ellis’s breath was rattling now, and she coughed.
“She stepped up to the ledge and basically screamed at all of us, that if we all hated her so much, she’d fix the problem for us. She—she jumped.”
My heart thudded hard, and it felt like the blood in my body was rushing through my ears.
“She didn’t die,” Ellis whispered quickly, and a small wave of relief filled me.
“But she wasn’t the same again. She broke a leg and an arm…
and after that day, I never saw her again.
Her mom pulled her from the school. I was taken off all her socials, and my number was blocked.
Her mom even called my mom and told her what had happened was all my fault, that my issues had put too much weight on her shoulders. ”
I sputtered, cutting in. “Well, that’s bullshit. There were a lot more contributing factors than just you getting sick again.”
“I was the catalyst,” Ellis whispered, her voice cracking once more.
“I always am. I nearly broke my parents growing up. They thought they hid things so well, but I know there were times it came close. I broke my brother. He hardly speaks to any of us now. And I made a decision. I wouldn’t let anyone get close again.
I couldn’t… I can’t—I can’t drag anyone else into the mess that is my life. ”
My heart thudded hard in my chest at her words, and I murmured, “Ellis… you got the heart. You aren’t… you’re not dying.”
“Not today,” she breathed ominously, and I frowned, trying to understand what she meant.
“Listen… I know you feel it,” she said softly, and now her voice wavered, a fresh layer of vulnerability in it. “This—this thing between us, and I’m not na?ve enough or stupid enough to pretend it doesn’t exist.”
My breath caught in my throat, and my stomach flipped, my ears growing hot.
“I’m scared of what to do with it,” she said, her voice breaking again. “I’m scared of… scared of feeling this. Wanting this. I’m scared to need someone. Because I know what it’s like to destroy someone by accident.”
I had to squeeze my eyes closed to smother the burning desire to rip away the pillows dividing us and pull her into my arms.
“And if I just made a fool of myself and you don’t know what I’m talking about, we can pretend this conversation never—”
“Ellis,” I cut in, my voice a little breathy. “I feel it too.”
The silence of the room after my words only amplified the sharpness of her breath on the other side.
“I’m scared,” she admitted, her voice sounding small.
“Me too,” I told her honestly.
Because I was.
Ellis Langley was by far the most complicated uncomplicated person I had ever met.
She had come at me with raw honesty when I had expected her to dodge whatever was going on between us, and it was giving me a sort of whiplash right now.
My racing heart could hardly keep up with the sudden revelation.
I let my eyes slip closed as a wave of complete exhaustion washed over me, my hand still resting lightly against the pillow wall as a hushed silence settled over us, neither of us willing to venture any further into this conversation.
For tonight, at least.
And I was okay with that.
I had no idea what would happen next, what the mood would be like tomorrow morning when we had to face these admissions without walls of pillows between us and daylight tearing away the hiding spaces of the night’s darkness.
I didn’t know if Ellis could let herself feel everything I knew she was holding back, but I knew without a doubt that I wanted to be here for it when she did.
I couldn’t put my finger on what it was about her that had pinned me down, but I was under her thumb, and I was choosing to stay. Through the fear of the unknown, the warnings of being hurt, I would wait.
Because some people were worth the risk.