Chapter Thirteen #2
Something heavy settled in my gut, like a poisonous dough, at Wolf’s words. “When isn’t he? Either it’s something I said or something I did–or didn’t. He’s exhausting.”
It was the first time I’d spoken freely about Mr Browne, but my words didn’t feel like something I’d regret in the near future. Besides, it wasn’t entirely a lie.
The professor in question had discovered that his mere presence boils the blood under my skin, and he’s found he rather likes enraging me. And so, his little game of ‘how far can we push Alexandr to the edge’ began.
Calling out to me to answer in class, interrupting my lunch for an especially mundane conversation of small talk, assigning me ‘extra credit’ work that was not exactly optional.
“He’s not that bad, come on.”
His words, that he didn’t agree, bothered me. “What’s up with you two, anyways?”
Wolf blinked and looked away for a moment before meeting my eyes. “What do you mean?”
“You two being partners in crime.” My words came out harsher than I’d intended.
Though, they weren’t completely unreasonable. Wolf and Mr Browne, if I didn’t know any better, acted like brothers. The older one of the pair was always looking out for him, helping him with classwork, stopping him for a chat in the halls.
Wolf wasn’t completely innocent either. Oftentimes, he’d come into class late because he ‘needed extra help from Mr Browne’.
Like anyone believed that. Even Rain–
I paused in my thoughts, remembering what we’d been discussing. In fact, I hadn’t even meant for the conversation to shift the way that it had, but I was glad of it and intended to keep it that way.
“We’re not partners in crime; he’s just a good professor.”
“I bet he is, what with his supposed decades of experience.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
I shrugged. “Nothing. Just that sometimes you can be too trusting.”
That seemed to hit a nerve. “I am not too trusting. I am just the right amount.”
I tilted my head. “A professor being really close with a student… isn’t something that raises suspicions?”
He shook his head, almost giving himself whiplash. “Don’t do that, don't even attempt. Mr Browne is just good company. You’ve met him.”
“We haven’t met the same Mr Browne, I’m afraid. In fact, I don’t think any other student has met Mr Browne like you have. Unless we’re talking about every school he’s taught at… Then, I don’t know–”
Wolf got angrily defensive at my insinuation, as a muscle in his jaw jumped, almost making his grinding teeth audible. “You don’t know any–...”
And then, like a switch, like a candlelight flickering before blowing out completely, his eyes calmed. He blinked, and then he laughed. A soft laugh that came out of his nose as he relaxed his features and let his head fall in between his shaking shoulders. “You… You almost got me.”
I furrowed my brows and shook my head, leaning away as if he were crazy. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
He rolled his eyes before meeting my stare. “I bet you don’t. Tell me, oh great master of evasion, what happened with Ajax?”
Crap.
The act was up, and I wasn’t enough of an idiot to force it, and so I sighed and went to take another drag. Except, Wolf beat me to it and took the cigarette from between my fingers. “Don’t try stalling again.”
I watched him smoke for a moment, and despite turning his head to blow the smoke out the window, his eyes didn’t leave mine.
If I hadn’t riled him up so quickly, he would not have noticed I was evading. I mentally noted down what would be best for next time.
“When he came to wake me,” I began, tilting my head towards him. “Thanks for that, by the way. Anyways, when he came to wake me, we decided to head to the student lounge for a chat. He just told me some interesting stuff.”
“What kind of stuff?” Wolf only sounded curious.
“What happened between you and Rain?” It came out as a question because I wasn’t going to let on the extent of what I knew. Wolf must have been expecting it, preparing for it since this afternoon, because he was ready, albeit taking a moment for himself.
“So… he told you why…”
He didn’t but I nodded anyway, slowly. “I’m sorry if you feel it isn’t his story to tell. I can forget about it if you want.”
Wolf shook his head, a faraway look falling over his face.
“No-no… I’ve owned up to my mistakes. It isn’t something I’m ashamed of or anything.
I got sucked into the wrong crowd and Rain didn’t know how to help.
You can’t really help someone who doesn’t want to be helped, you know?
” He let out a strained chuckle. “But she tried anyway, that isn’t something I’ll ever blame her for. ”
I wanted to ask why he continues to hate someone who only tried to help, but I held my tongue. According to myself, I already knew why.
“Except that she tried in the worst way possible. She got me locked up in hell all summer of year two, did Ajax tell you that? That she went ahead and practically plastered my business on the cover of every business, lifestyle, and fashion magazine? … Again, I don’t blame her.
But she can’t expect me to… not… hate her. ”
He didn’t finish his words, and after a long moment, I found he wasn’t going to speak. Too lost in his own mind.
“Are you proud of who you are today? Or would you have been proud of who you might’ve become without her help?”
Wolf turned to me with a blank expression before forcing on a simple smile, one that didn’t reach his eyes. “I don’t know. The lines always blur between life and death, don’t they?”
He nudged my shoulder, but I didn’t match his smile or share the sentiment.
Because, seeing as how I was living today, I wouldn’t have been proud to die in America.
I wouldn’t be proud of a goalless life drifting closer to a forgetful existence every day.
Everyone who ever remembered me, slowly unable to make up the image of that young boy drifting through their memory.
Until one day, they’d forget there ever was a child they once knew with stark white hair, or brown, or black, with pale blue eyes. An Alex who had a Russian accent yet didn’t speak a lick of the language.
I didn’t want to consider the possibility of returning to that life.
And yet here Wolf was, hesitant to choose between the two.
I didn’t know how to respond. I didn’t know whether to comfort him, something I wouldn’t be caught dead doing, or to reassure him, also something I wouldn’t be caught dead doing.
And so, I simply lifted my hand and patted his back in an almost mechanical motion. “There, there.”
This time, it was Wolf’s turn to send me a curl of his lips as I slowly pried the cigarette out from his grasp. “I don’t think that’s safe for you right now.”
He reared back at that, shoving my arm away. “Oh my god! I’m not suicidal!”
“Don’t tell me that means you were implying you’ve killed someone, too.”
“You’ve killed someone?”
“I was talking about Ajax.”
“Ajax killed someone?!”
“I thought you knew!”
“Go back, hold on. You’re saying Ajax killed someone?
He told you this today?” Wolf held his hands up as his eyes widened at the revelation.
Though I didn’t like to think of theories nearing fact as truth, I tilted my head and looked to the sky with a thoughtful expression.
Ajax hadn’t exactly said he killed someone, but it was so plainly obvious.
I tried racking my brain on why someone would hate Fenlon Hall so much, and then it hit me when I approached the doors.
Those long-ago wilted chrysanthemums planted along the front wall.
It could only be one of two things.
Guilt or a thirst for more.
He either couldn’t look at Fenlon Hall or look at the remains of the already dead flowers without remembering his sins. Or he wished he’d tortured him further and then some.
“Well, he didn’t say so, but something about the whole Malakai Young thing has been bothering me.”
Wolf checked his watch and hesitated for a moment before asking, it must have been close to nine o’clock, “Something like what?”
I leaned closer because this felt like something that should be spoken about under the cloak of night in a dark alley between strangers assuming aliases.
Wolf mirrored me with a look of concern.
“Ajax got pissy when I talked about Fenlon Hall and told me not to meddle in things I didn’t understand.
I think I would consider it threatening. ”
Wolf’s brow furrowed as he considered my words. I’d seen Ajax pissy, sure, when he’d argue with Paris or bicker with August, but when even I chose not to inquire further, it raised alarms.
I’d like to consider myself semi-self-preserving, and that says enough.
Wolf seemed to share my thoughts. “That doesn’t sound like Ajax. But…”
I wanted to groan at his next words because I didn’t like a refutation of my conclusions.
I was rarely wrong.
At my expression, Wolf held up his hands. “Just hear me out. Ajax and Malakai were like… best friends. And I mean since nappies. It just doesn’t make sense. There isn’t a reason on Earth you’d kill someone you’ve chosen to be friends with; it just doesn’t make sense.”
“Wolf, there are plenty of reasons. I can think of fifteen off the top of my head.” I rolled my eyes. “Besides, you’ve said before that kids here value making connections. Friends isn’t an airtight argument.”
He closed his eyes and shook his head before meeting my eyes again.
“It isn’t the same. Ajax wasn’t raised like that.
His mother smothers him. I would know, I’ve met her.
He isn’t the type to resort to murder, no matter the reason.
I don’t even think he can stomach it.” I opened my mouth to protest, but he placed his hands on my shoulders and shook me softly.
“I’m not saying you’re lying or that you haven’t a clue what’s going on.
Something doesn’t sound right for Ajax to threaten you, I agree, but it can’t be murder. It just can’t.”