Chapter 16 Katherine—The Hall of Reckoning
KATHERINE—THE HALL OF RECKONING
Furious and shaken, I pace outside Jahleel’s bedchamber. The borrowed apron in my hands is damp and wrinkled from the heat of us holding onto each other.
Hadn’t I confessed to Georgina that I didn’t want him? But I just offered myself to him, like some tragic waif.
I hated that feeling of losing control, hated that my body had a mind of its own. Hate that no matter what I’ve done or said, I’m still lying to myself.
These feelings I thought I lost, they still lived for Jasha. It’s more than Lydia. It’s bigger than us, Jahleel and me.
In the dacha, I told him about Wilcox Coal.
He understood when I said the task of running it was too big, that I didn’t always want to run it but would have to, since my father had no living sons.
Jahleel encouraged me, instead of telling me to give it up because it wasn’t a woman’s role.
Now, he tells me to go to it like it’s consolation for his not wanting me.
Scarlett yawns and comes down the corridor. She sees me and starts to run. “Is he …?”
I grab her and hold her. “The duke is well. I think we broke his fever.”
She puts her hand to her heart. “I saw you. You’re red in the face. You look panicked. I thought the duke had died.”
Scarlett takes a moment to collect herself, then she squints. “If all is well, why are you out here looking like you want to break things?”
Unwilling to explain my madness, I lock my jaws and shrug.
My sister huffs and starts to pass me to go inside the duke’s chambers. “Georgina’s still in the kitchen. Go talk with her.”
“Don’t go, Scarlett.”
“Why? You’re going to confide in me?”
She readies to knock on Jahleel’s bedchamber, but I clasp her knuckles. “Yes, and I left him naked in there.”
“Oh.”
“We didn’t fight. Jahleel was very resigned. He says he wants no ill feelings. But now he wants a new bride to give him an heir.”
Scarlett tilts her face to me. “This news upset you? You don’t love him.”
“He’s going to give my little girl a stepmother. How will she treat Lydia? Will Lydia be happy with this?”
“So let me understand this. Until last month, the man you could barely be in the same room with has decided to move forward with his life and marry someone else. You’re bothered and trying to convince me your concern is Lydia getting another person to love.”
“This is why we don’t talk.” I fold my arms. “You can take my thoughts and make them sound like absolute gibberish, just like Jahleel does.”
Scarlett shakes her head. “Then I’ll call you Elizabeth.”
“I’m not Princess Elizaveta Abramovna Gannibal. So no. Not Elizabeth.”
“No, Katherine. Elizabeth Bennet of Pride and Prejudice. She is prejudiced against Darcy who she thinks is too prideful. It might cost her love.”
“So, I’m not the scoundrel Wickham anymore?”
“You’re the heroine. Your life is your story. So what are you going to do?”
I pace and pout and want to knock down Jahleel’s door. “What does Elizabeth do?”
“I’m not done with the novel, but you are like this character—forthright. And think you have several silly sisters.”
“My sisters are smarter than me. I’ve done nothing but blunder.” I focus on the cream molding of the ornate chamber door. “I want to be a help to him. I would marry him now.”
“Yes, that’s what every proud man wants to hear: that the woman he loves will tolerate him or marry him because she feels guilty for treating him shamelessly.” She puts her hand on my shoulder. “There’s been a lot of hurt. Sometimes it’s too much. Be his friend. Let him become yours.”
Friends? Do friends hold each other like that? Are friends naked and kiss?
My brow fevers. I forgot how he made me feel. I think I had to. “He wants another child. How do I …? A new baby might have the sickness. And I can lose Lydia and Jahleel at any moment.”
Suddenly, I’m crying again.
This time, my sister has me. Scarlett holds me in her arms until I’m calm. “There has to be an answer, Katherine—something I can do to keep them well. The right combination of herbs is out there. I’m not giving up. Maybe protect babies too. Our mothers need so much help. It’s not there.”
I kiss her brow. Someone has to try and keep pushing for health. “I’m going to check on Lydia. Then, I will be back outside Jahleel’s door. Can you go get Mr. Steele? The duke wants to be dressed. His legs are weak.”
Scarlett nods, then dashes off. I wait with my ear to the door until the steward and footmen arrive. When they enter, I see Jahleel sitting against his headboard.
He sees me watching before the door closes between us, then I go to Lydia’s chambers. I must see her and tell her that her father is better.
I put my hand on her door. The wood is cold beneath my palm. I’m frightened, but I still ease inside.
No new elephants seem to be in the large pink room, but the mural of castles along the far wall sparkles with fairy dust.
Then I see my little girl asleep in her bed—my baby. My living daughter—it is so good to think this and be able to say it aloud, not just in my heart.
As I move closer, I startle. The princess is here. She’s also asleep in a rocking chair at the side of the canopy frame of the bed.
Her eyes flicker open. “Jasha? Is he …?”
“Much better.” My whisper brings ease to her dark olive face.
“Thank the God of Heaven,” she says.
I stand far from either. My feet feel like ice blocks, but I take a step forward. “How is my daughter doing?”
The princess puts her hand up. “Stop. It took Lady Lydia a long time to fall asleep. She’s very upset. Perhaps you should return to your dacha across the river until everyone is better.”
“The Wilcox house?” My heart pounds. I don’t want to be banished from here, from either Jahleel or Lydia. “No, ma’am. I’m staying until all is well.”
“Staying this time?” She makes a sigh that sounds like disbelief. “You’re brazen to stand here, when you’ve robbed my son and granddaughter of so much time. With the sickness, no one knows how much they have left.”
“I’m guilty.” I go to her rocking chair. I bow but then look at her, eye to eye. “I’m wrong, very wrong, ma’am. I’ve been wrong about so many things. But I love my daughter. I’ll do anything for her. And I want Jahleel well. And I want to love Lydia in the open.”
“It’s Lady Lydia.” She scowls at me. This rebuke is better than a slap.
I feel the coldness all the way to my wavering spine.
“Rest assured, Lady Hampton, I intend to give her all she needs.” Her tone is cold, but then becomes more firm, more dire.
“If anything happens to my son, I’ll take his daughter from this foul place immediately. We’ll not be back.”
I want to touch her, beg her. Instead, I look away to my daughter. “Please reconsider, not for me but for the medical care. The Carews have improved her life. She’s suffered less under their care.”
Lydia stirs under her blankets. “Princess Grama.” My child’s eyes open. The little wedges of the gray irises have a watery glow. “Papa Duke?”
“He still lives,” I say. “He’s getting stronger.”
Now those eyes widen. A burst of smile shows, then disappears. “But you, you lie, Katherine.”
My hand trembles. I back away, but not before saying, “Not this time. Not again.”
I head out of the room and return to my spot on the floor outside Jahleel’s door.
I did this.
I cry for Lydia, and for the man I’ve wronged. I need one more chance to prove myself to them. I’ll do anything to regain Lydia and Jahleel’s trust.