Chapter 26 Katherine—My Rules
KATHERINE—MY RULES
When a midnight carriage took a bride from her guardians to a dacha far from the city, I sat like this, curled atop my new husband’s thigh. Barefoot with hands caressing my feet, then all of me—we existed for each other, only for each other. We had four gloriously sated weeks of love.
Then Jahleel grew ill.
I thought he’d die. The relief I should’ve felt when he recovered felt like delayed suffering. I believed I’d been lied to and betrayed.
All that noise in my head made me forget how safe I felt in his arms.
In my mistress bedchamber, his heart beats the rhythm of our first dance, Beethoven’s Contredanse No. 12. And like he’s read my mind, Jahleel begins to hum it.
Those memories of us—before discovering his illness, before listening to lies—help me realize how cheated I am. I threw away joy. I needed to believe in us, believe in love over fear.
“Jahleel, thank you.”
“For what? I’ve done nothing.”
“I remember this tune. Sometimes, I smile thinking of how you made everyone give way for me—a stranger, a foreigner. You made me believe I was special.”
“Good memories. And you are special.”
Looking up at him, I find his eyes closed. He smells good, and feels like well-worn leather, smooth and oiled with sandalwood, fitting me perfectly. The dark red nightshirt and deep-blue indigo robe are styled for a king.
Though lean, his face bears chiseled cheeks and a wide nose with a point. Always handsome and noble, he’s still handsy. He caresses my foot that I’d drawn up near me. Then Jahleel finds the front seam of my robe.
His fingers slip through and touch my stomach. I pray he doesn’t tickle me, for that will lead to unbearable, out-of-control feelings. The passion that follows is the same.
I want to be crazy again. I don’t want to think about tomorrow, or the price I’ll pay.
Nonetheless, nothing has changed. Jahleel will get sick again. I will lose him. And Lydia and I will have to figure out how to heal. “I wish you were a villain.”
“Why, Katherine? So you could be with me and pretend you were forced to love me again? Make it my fault that you crave me for release, just like me?”
Did he just say that?
Is he reading minds, or is this my dirty conscience?
Pretending I heard nothing, I lift my voice and ask, “When do we search for spouses? We shouldn’t waste any more time.”
“Oh yes, that.” His thumb trails my neck. “I’ve asked Carew to spread the word in Cheapside. I’ll get Mr. Steele to make it known everywhere that you have a ten-thousand-pound dowry. No, a twenty-thousand-pound dowry.”
“You think it will take that much to bribe a man to marry me?”
“The Palmerses and newspapers have gotten the gossip mills going. It will cost more to encourage someone to rise above hearsay. I told you, no poor man for you.” Jahleel lifts my chin; my mouth is now dangerously near his.
“But anyone who truly knows you, all of you, will find you’re worth every penny. ”
How can he think that, after how I’ve robbed him and Lydia?
His fingers sweep against my frown. “I need a worthy man who’ll go against the ton, no matter what they say. The inducement ensures he’s beholden to none and will not settle. You’ve done that enough, at least one and a half times.”
The man who won’t bend is Jahleel. If I kissed him, would he see I want him as my lover and friend, and husband, too? What if he knew I’m not so bothered about tomorrow or the price I will pay when time wins again?
One of his hands drops to my thigh. He shifts me a little but holds me more securely. I know I could flee if I wanted. I could even ask him to go, but that wouldn’t stop every reckless yearning in my soul.
I want him.
It’s hard to believe I stopped possessing these feelings because of fear.
Those wise hazel eyes darken. A hand cups my thigh. The other strokes the arch of my foot. Does he know that such touches will unlock more memories, more feelings, more desire?
“Katherine, I should let you go back to sleep.”
“Stay. My rules,” I say. “That’s what you agreed to in here.”
An easy, relaxed smile covers his face. Then it fades. “Sorry about the chrysanthemums. Just because I like them doesn’t mean—”
I kiss him.
I don’t want apologies. I want arms to find me and offer comfort. One hand glides upon my back, tugging at the garment wrapping my body.
But he relents. “I should. I should let you go. Rest will heal your injuries. Tomorrow is a busy bookkeeping day for Wilcox Coal.”
I guess I need to ask for what I yearn for. “Don’t stop holding me, Jahleel. Both hands on me. Hold me tightly. Make me feel like you want me near.”
“Katia, wanting you has never been a problem.”
“Let’s not think of problems. Let’s pretend—”
“We’re normal people who found their way together.” His lips descend upon mine. I’m silenced as his passion ramps and demands everything. I lock my arms around his shoulders and hold him just as tightly.
“Guess no reading tonight, Jahleel. I like this new deal.”
He shakes his head. “No new deal. I’m not changing the rules on you. You need to be able to count on me being consistent. Nothing has changed because you lean on me.”
That wasn’t what I wanted.
Yet his renewed kiss convinces me that it is.
I kind of want to stop reading about Elizabeth Bennet tossing away a good but prideful man because of her hurt feelings and the lies she believed. That story hits too close to my heart.
Yes, I’d rather kiss Jahleel.