Chapter 37 Jahleel—Looking for Katherine
JAHLEEL—LOOKING FOR KATHERINE
With the entire house recovering with Lydia, the Carews postponed Thom’s surgery to the Thursday before the ball.
I must go check on the old man and see how he’s faring, but I must also visit with Katherine. She’s been present at Anya House, but seemingly absent the entire week. At first, I thought she was tired or had come down with Lydia’s cold.
I gave her time to stop being mad at me for failing to tell her of my activities, but now I must know what’s wrong and how to fix it. After our afternoon in my secret room, I thought everything changed. A quiet Katherine is a dangerous woman.
Our bet is done. It’s time to lay down all my cards.
Tapping on her door from the long corridor, I receive no answer.
Oh, she’s mad. Or sick?
“Katherine.” I rap harder on the door. “Are you well? It’s been a few days. I’m concerned.”
“The bet? Guess I failed to uphold my part again.”
“No, you won the bet. You had me checked. My king bows down at your glorious feet.”
She doesn’t answer.
“Katherine, this is your room, your territory. If you don’t want me to enter, I won’t. But I need to look at you and know you’re well—”
“Yes. See my face. I remember. Come in.”
I open the door, and the room is pitch black. “How can I tell if there’s no light?”
A match strikes. A spark of light catches a wick. “My rules. No getting upset. No inane chatter.”
She’s lying on the bed with her back to me. She’s fully dressed, like me when I think I might die in my sleep.
Letters are on the bed table. The wax seal’s color looks like the Palmerses’ burgundy. They continue harassing her.
“What do our old in-laws want now?”
“Besides my head on a platter and the business, and the house on Ground Street? All my parents built and ten thousand pounds.”
“They can’t have anything. I’ll make them stop. Why are you letting them put you under such strain?”
“What do they say that’s not true … about me? Liar, bigamist. Now mother of an illegitimate child.”
That bastard, how dare he write that. He must pay. “Katherine.” I lean against the door. “Your rules. I am your servant.”
“No. This is your dominion. Jahleel, you’ve won everything. My sisters love you. My daughter. Even I love you. I knew that it would be dangerous to do that again.”
She shifts, moving closer to the candle. The dim light exposes a desirable form—a goddess dressed in a blue carriage gown with buttons running from top to bottom.
And when I finally come close enough to see her face, the grimace she wears chills my blood as does my cane hitting a packed portmanteau. She’s ready to go.
“Oh, Katia, why are you doing this?”
“It’s Katherine. Katia is diminutive for affection and love.”
“So you are taking back your love? That’s new. I’ve built no river for you to run to and try to divorce me again. You can’t be heading to the Thames.”
She doesn’t answer my teasing.
“May I sit beside you?”
“It’s your mistress’s bed.”
I ease onto the mattress to her right. “Do I get an explanation for why you’re ready to leave me again?”
“Nope. That’s the nature of our relationship: no explanations. We can have at each other and then disappear, leaving nothing but soul ties between us.”
“Katherine, you left after we made love the last time, too. Why do you think I’ve resisted? I liked things the way they were. We got along, with a little kissing and cuddling. Now we’ve had each other’s love, and you’re leaving me again. I cannot win.”
“What do you mean again? I haven’t left the house yet.”
I reach for her hand. “You don’t remember? My sister recovered after I rushed to her. Overjoyed, I came back to our suite. You ruthlessly made love to me then. I think of that moment and hunt for what I could’ve done to change the outcome.”
“Of course the master strategist would.”
I tap my cane again against her luggage. “Your bags were packed like this. You forced an argument about my upcoming trip to London.”
“You didn’t want to take me. Tavis and his parents said you fake-married every year, always to a stranger. They said it meant nothing or you’d take me with you to London. You wanted me to stay in St. Petersburg with your mother.”
“Exactly. But you dashed to the Neva River. You were so dramatic, rushing to the water’s edge and saying we were done.”
She sighs heavily. “You were right. I should never have left with them. Should’ve stayed and realized how good a woman your mother is.”
“All this is the past. Katherine, we’ve forgiven each other.
Why are you up here in the dark? Lydia is well enough to be in the library.
Your sisters are in and out, as they should be.
Lada is learning tricks from Mr. Steele.
Didn’t know the fellow had a soft side. And there’s a brave man who may regain some part of his sight tomorrow. ”
“And the world is coming to your ball the day after. Yes, I know.”
I tap the end of my cane to her portmanteau. “So you will leave me to face the world alone? Or is this punishment for your invalid husband who escaped the asylum without your permission?”
She shakes her head. “I’m not trying to punish you.” Those wet, mirror-black eyes capture me like I’ve found a universe of stars. “Were you so unsatisfied by me that you had to go elsewhere?”
This pains me. I tower over the woman. “You honestly think I’d want another after making love with you? You steal my breath and my strength; what exactly is left?”
At least this woman has the decency to blush for what we’ve done in secret. “I don’t know what else to think. You left. You had to be away from me. Maybe you regret us.”
“Don’t.”
She puts her head in her hands. “I’m tired of wondering and hurting. You have a ball on Friday. I should go and return when it’s over. I am so tired of being in the way or left out because my sins are truly unforgiveable.”
“Katherine, I’d already made plans. Us seducing one another was surprising. Guess I haven’t gotten used to the way the world turns upside down when we are together. Understand me, I’m not complaining. And I’m not as flexible as I need to be … with my schedule.”
“You’ve come to joke?” Her face shifts back to the dark. “I needed you here. You left like I’m not a priority. Or worse, you reasoned with your brilliant mind that I would be happy with any tiny amount of affection you allowed.”
She crosses her arms. “Honestly, I should be. I’m the one who’s done the worst.”
Trying to be understanding, I hide my stewing frustration. “I have debts to pay. Meeting with Livingston accomplished one. We met at White’s, not Madame Rosebud’s. But the man practically lives with the courtesan. Being near him makes one reek.”
“You weren’t at White’s the whole time.”
“No. When Carew and Lord Mark arrived, we dined, but then the three of us minus Livingston went for dessert in Cheapside. I had a wonderful dish called cassava pone and was assured that Tantie Telma said the delegation would attend our ball.”
“Why is that important? I mean, those women are important, but why must you personally make sure they attend?”
I take Katherine’s stiff hand in mine. “I want our daughter accepted by all. I need that community to take care of her in ways they failed you and your sisters. Those women somewhat adopted Carew. I want my daughter and her mother to have people looking out for them. The aunties will do that. They are a fierce contingency.”
“You have all these worries about needing allies. Are you well? Or are you suffering in silence again?”
I kiss her brow. “I’m physically well now, but I have worries of how you will react to seeing me sick. And I understand that my enemies might outlast me. A good father, a good husband, a good provider makes preparations for when he’s gone.”
Katherine melts against me for a moment.
Can she finally translate what I’m saying?
I’ve been afraid to say why I’ve been afraid of intimacies.
I love her, even when I can’t say it out loud.
“I am well, but nothing has changed. I have to take care of my daughter. Palmers is threatening her future, too.”
“You’re a good father.” This beautiful woman straightens and pulls away. The light casts shadows of separation between us. She wants more. She deserves more, but my gambit is not done.
“Stephen returned at one. You didn’t come until six in the morning. You don’t have to answer, but you’re doing an incredible performance confessing.”
The hardest part of what I say is now. I stretch out on her bed and take her with me. It takes a moment of her shifting before she curves into me. Then I say, “I went to see my father. And then my son.”
She covers her mouth.
Taking her warm palm into mine, I lower it and keep her looking at me. “It sounds insane, but I needed to talk with my father. I wanted him to give me a sign that not having an heir would be fine.”
Her gaze sweeps over my face. The panic of discussing children, of childbearing, settles into her countenance. That’s the choice that remains. It’s not loving Katherine, but to do so publicly and make her my wife means no heir, no legacy.
“Did he answer, Jahleel?”
“The marble marker said nothing. But it listened. I made a list. Lots of pluses, tiny minuses. But Katherine, you and I starting over means I have no son to take the title. I have no expectation of you bearing me another child. We must take steps to ensure this.”
Her luminous eyes widen. They burst. “But Scarlett said there’s a fifty percent possibility of a healthy baby.”
“She is brilliant, but those are odds for someone who loves to gamble. That was never me, not after growing up. That was Tavis.”
“But what if I wanted to try to give you a son?”
“Nyet. I’m sure Scarlett can make teas to take away that possibility.”
“So, we can’t even discuss this together. Graves and my sister, you’ll have a full conversation?”
“Nyet. I’ve not talked to your sister. Though she may be more objective.” I shake my head. “I’ve been alone for a long time, and I’ve learned in solitude how to deal with my problems and how to instruct others to do my bidding, especially when I am right.”
“How is this right? How did silent graves bolster your pride?”
“The dead can’t be forgotten. Our son and I visit weekly. I place chrysanthemums on his stone. He’s the only one to be my heir, because you are the only one for me. I won’t take another wife.”
“Lots of women want the position, Jahleel. Baroness Derand is young and beautiful.” Katherine’s eyes search my face. “She’s friends with Scarlett. That means she will be good to Lydia.”
“I’ve decided. At the ball, I will announce you as my wife. Then the three of us, plus my mother, new sisters and brothers will be happy.”
She pats at her chest, a chest that seems to struggle to find air and words as she tears up. Katherine clasps my lapel. The indigo jacket crumples beneath her palm. “We should discuss this as partners. We’re the only two people who should find the solution. Fifty percent odds are not hopeless.”
“You want me to gamble on our future again and lose you to grief? Katherine, your bags are packed again. Is this the argument that you want so you can be justified in fleeing?” I put my hand on her cheek and then kissed her softly.
“This time, the answer isn’t the best thing for us.
This time, it’s what is best for me. For the time I have left, I must have peace.
You and Lydia must be safe. The community we’ve built must surround us.
We have the best medical care. Everything is here. ”
“So there is no chance that you are going to leave London.”
I nod. “I think your sister exaggerated my desire to return. I won’t risk Lydia’s health. And I want to live as long as I can. My favorite person is here. She gives the best baths.”
“That’s a sacrifice to not go to St. Petersburg. I know you miss it. But here’s my sacrifice, my pride. I’ll never live down my mistakes. I’m Katherine, the liar to my daughter. And with this decision, it’s obvious that you can’t truly forgive me.”
“I understand your pride, but I’m desperate for peace. I don’t know how many days, months, years I have. I must do what’s best for me, which means choosing the family we have right now. Let’s go together and check on more family.”
“What are you talking about?” Her gaze is on her portmanteau.
“Come with me now to visit with Thom. The stairs to the servant quarters are too steep. I can’t make them without you. Let me depend on you.”
“Yes, of course.”
I take her hand, and we stand together.
Staring at her for the longest moment of my life, I feel we’ve almost put the pieces of what we lost back together. If I can pay a few more debts and our unity survives through the ball, then our love will last forever.