Chapter 32
The smile drained from Shade’s face, his expression hardening into something akin to what he wore when he had first been released from the lamp. A blank mask.
Several beats of silence passed before he said, “Not anymore.”
“Why would you say that? You made a sacrifice to save your people. That’s why you’re in the lamp, isn’t it?
You made a deal with the Gods.” I stepped closer as I spoke.
His blankness struck my heart, searing past my walls.
I wanted to bring back the Shade I had gotten to know over the past few months.
He moved out of reach, and my heart sank into the pit of my stomach.
I shouldn’t have blurted it out, I should have approached the conversation with more tact, more empathy.
Stupid. Stupid, Adelia.
“The only reason I needed to make that sacrifice was because I failed my people in the first place. If I kept a better eye on my brother, he wouldn’t—I should have stopped him.” His palms landed on the table, and his head hung between his shoulders.
“So many innocent lives lost, because I failed,” he whispered through heavy breaths.
He once told me he understood failure, that if I focused on failing, I would manifest it into reality—just like he had. “You suspected him?”
Shade’s shoulders slumped, and he lifted his head to face me. The utter anguish reflected there had a lump forming as emotion clogged my throat.
“Not at first. Not consciously. He’d grown increasingly … unbalanced. His moods were volatile and then he would disappear for days. I thought he was struggling to adjust, he always wanted to be king. I didn’t realize what he was doing until it was too late.”
“You can’t blame yourself for your brother’s actions, Raiden.” The name felt strange on my tongue, to call him anything other than Shade.
“Don’t call me that,” he muttered, pushing away from the table and turning his back to me, blocking me out.
I moved to stand in front of him. I wouldn’t let him hide away.
Not from me. Not after everything he had done for me and every moment of my pain and suffering he had witnessed.
I wouldn’t let him feel it alone. When I stared into his eyes, they weren’t the usual shining silver I had come to expect during our conversations, but a curling darkness reflecting his past.
“You’re right, I very much prefer to call you Shade.
” I smiled through my words, and the spark of amusement lightening his eyes encouraged me to continue—a part of the man I knew visible underneath his pain.
I stepped closer, our bodies touching, and I hoped he drew strength from it just as I did.
I tipped my head back, keeping our eyes locked.
“What you did was admirable. You should be proud of the sacrifice you made to protect your people.”
That molten silver I had grown to love filled Shade’s eyes again, and his hand ghosted my cheek, sending a flurry of sparks along my skin. “Even if that’s true, I’m not that man anymore.”
“Says who? You can be that man again, Shade.”
He shook his head, cupping my face. I was captivated.
Completely under his thrall. “I thought I knew what sacrifice was, had willingly given up my entire life to keep my people safe. That was my responsibility, my burden as their king.” He pressed his forehead against mine, breathing deeply, and his voice took that deep gruff edge when he continued.
“I knew nothing, Adelia, not before I met you. Because now, I would sacrifice my entire kingdom, and everyone in it, just to spend a moment with you.”
The last remnants of the walls around my heart crumbled, and everything I had been feeling but too afraid to admit flooded out of my chest, filling my entire body until it was buzzing. I knew I felt something for this incredible man, and I thought it might be love.
It was so much more than that. It was selfish obsession. A need. A craving that could never be satisfied.
My entire life, I had never been made a priority, for anyone, not even myself, and I resigned myself to that fact a long time ago. The idea that Shade would sacrifice it all for me …
I practically jumped in my haste to reach his lips, attacking his mouth and demanding more than the light touches he had offered over the past few weeks. I was forceful, wanting to show Shade just how much his words, his care, meant to me.
I didn’t have the words because there weren’t any adequate enough to describe it.
I would show him instead.
He groaned when my tongue teased the seam of his lips, and when he parted them, he took control, gripping the back of my neck and angling my head so he could delve deeper into my mouth.
It was obsession. It was devotion.
It was everything.
Shade walked me backward until I hit the table. He gripped my thighs, lifting me atop the timber, then stepped between my parted legs, perfectly aligned with my heated core.
I was dissolving, melting into Shade, the inferno within me consuming every single inch. He kissed me like the world was ending. His scent surrounded me, intensifying, and light tendrils of smoke skirted along my skin.
After everything that had happened, I expected this moment to fill me with icy fear, to break out into a cold sweat and push him away, but when Shade ground his hips against me, giving me the friction I desperately craved, I felt nothing but burning desire for more.
I released a loud moan, and the heat in my core coiled until I throbbed with inescapable need.
Nothing about it was logical. I shouldn’t want this, shouldn’t have such an intense reaction to his touch after being violated.
But it was Shade.
Who always offered me comfort and security and love.
This moment with him was replacing helplessness with his own obsession, his own need and craving for me.
When he wrenched his lips from mine, I saw it all as clearly as the rippling scars covering his skin.
His intense gaze locked onto me, and he ground again, drawing another strangled moan from my lips.
“Is this okay? Are you okay?” he asked, voice thick as he examined me through hooded eyes.
It was his concern, his absolute desire to check on me, that solidified my decision. He wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. I had never been more certain of anything in my life.
“Yes,” I breathed, grinding my hips against his to assure him. He met my movements with his own, sending my eyes rolling back.
“What do you need, my Solis? Tell me and it’s yours.
” His voice was strained, like he was holding himself back.
When I didn’t immediately respond, too enraptured by the increasing friction to form a coherent thought, he stopped moving, and I whimpered at the loss.
I was on the brink, and all I wanted to do was fall.
“Tell me,” he growled, and tendrils of smoke trailed underneath the material of my pants and moved up my legs. “I’ll give you anything. Everything.”
He offered me one agonizingly slow grind. It was exquisite torture.
“You,” I whispered, not wanting to wait anymore. “Just you.”
He growled again, capturing my mouth with his. He lifted the back of my shirt until his hands met skin, the contact making sparks sizzle. When he pulled away again, he lifted my shirt over my head and dropped it to the floor.
His heated gaze traveled to my exposed breasts. He had seen them before, the first time we were intimate and after. You wouldn’t know that looking at him now, the heat in his silver eyes sent a thrill through me, and I leaned back slightly on the table, letting him get his fill.
He cupped them, holding their weight and squeezing lightly. When he pinched my nipples, I froze, a bucket of icy water dousing me head to toe.
Shade drew back, his eyes filled with concern. “Adelia?”
My breathing was heavy, and I fought the panic threatening to overwhelm me. I didn’t want to stop, but my body wouldn’t listen to my reasoning. It sent me back to that night, to when he had pinched my nipples.
Warm hands cupped my face, and purloe surrounded my senses. I met his silver eyes, and my breathing calmed.
This was Shade, not Terym.
“I’m here, my Solis.” His deep voice was rough and strained, those tendrils of smoke smoothing over my skin in gentle caresses calming me further. “We’ll stop.”
“No!” I blurted before the panic overwhelmed me. I had been enjoying it. I craved more. I didn’t want what the king had done to stop me from having this, from having Shade. “Please don’t stop. I want you.”
Shade’s eyes searched mine, then he nodded. “We’re going to go slow. Nipples triggered you, is there anything else?”
I didn’t want to admit to him what the king had done.
He’d seen the worst of it, had emerged from the lamp as witness to his depravity, and I loathed telling him more than that.
I had to be honest with him though. We wouldn’t be able to move forward if I didn’t tell him what might be triggering, and I wanted that more than anything.
“F-fingers, I think.”
Shade’s jaw clenched, the muscle ticking, and his nostrils flared slightly. He closed his eyes for a minute, and when they opened again, he was calmer.
“If I use my mouth and tongue? Do you think that will be okay?” he asked, running his thumb along my cheek.
The thought alone sent a bolt of heat shooting through me, and I nodded. He raised a single eyebrow, and the heat spread across my cheeks. “Yes.”
“You’ll tell me if it’s too much or if you want me to stop.” It wasn’t a question; he expected me to do it—ordered me to.
“Yes.”
His mouth met mine again, softer this time, a light caress against my lips.
He lingered there, taking his time before urging my mouth to open and allow him entry.
When I did, he was just as careful, a slow, sensual dance rather than a vicious claiming.
It was still as obsessive and devoted as before.