Chapter 29
The study had become suffocating, its walls the only thing Kenneth thought he needed. Yet, he was still there, hiding. Hiding from everyone. His walls had gone down. So, he needed real walls to block everyone out.
The isolation was getting too loud, though.
Once, these four walls had been a comfort to him.
He had spent years retreating into rooms like this one, where no one could reach him.
But he was not that man anymore. Madeline had changed him.
Now the silence only pressed on him until he could hardly breathe, and the solitude he had always guarded felt like a punishment.
The thought of Madeline made his heart ache.
He groaned at the thought of telling her to leave. His words now sounded cruel to his ears. While his brother’s words had sounded hateful, he was no better. Madeline had offered to stay behind to comfort him, but he sent her away.
I am such a fool.
And the truth was, he needed her. He needed to see her smile to remind himself of the one pure thing left in his obliterated world.
Kenneth flung open the study doors and walked into the hallway. His boots sounded frantic on the floorboards as he called, “Thomas!” His voice sounded hoarse from hours of silence and dehydration.
The young footman who was guarding the doors almost hopped in front of him. His face was pale, but he managed to give a bow. Undoubtedly, the young man was still thinking about his earlier threat.
“Y-your Grace?”
“Where is my wife?” Kenneth demanded, as his breathing became more labored. “Do inform her that I require her in the drawing room at once.”
Thomas would not meet his eyes, swallowing hard. His eyes darted toward the grand entrance doors. Something shifted inside Kenneth at the movement.
“I... Her Grace is not at home, Your Grace. She left some time ago. She went on foot without calling her maid or requesting a carriage.”
Kenneth stilled. He could hear the roaring of blood in his ears. His body felt like ice as the world seemed to stretch far from him. So, this was what real terror felt like.
She left me.
Kenneth could not even blame her. No one should have had to witness what happened last night, least of all his own wife.
She had married into a family rotting from the inside, and a husband who had buried it all under lock and key rather than speak a word of it.
She had given everything to him, while he had kept his heart closed and his secrets to himself. Why would she stay?
It was too late when he realized just how wrong it was to keep such a huge secret from his wife. With love or not, a spouse was a partner one should work with and not hide things from.
“Your Grace?” Thomas whispered, uncertainty all over his face.
Kenneth did not respond. Instead, he turned on his heel and flew through the hallway. He did not bother to grab a hat. He burst through the servant’s entrance, which led to a shorter path toward the stables. His lungs burned as he emerged into the chilly outdoors.
“Saddle Dominion!” he roared as soon as he saw a stable boy. Gone was the control he was best known for. He was desperation personified. “Right now!”
Within minutes, he was pushed onto the back of his horse, a massive black stallion. He dug his heels hard into the beast’s flanks, commanding a speed that had them bursting out of the gates like a man possessed.
A madman.
Kenneth did not know where Madeline could have gone on foot. She would have asked for a carriage to visit her family. He would search all of London if he had to. His mind was already galloping toward the frightening possibility of her walking around dangerous streets all alone.
No, he would not let her face London on her own.
So, he rode like the devil was galloping after him.
His lungs burned as he tore through Mayfair’s fashionable streets.
Was she wearing her bright colored frocks today, the ones that made her who she truly was?
Or did she wear darker gowns that looked beautiful on her, but seemed sadder?
Kenneth continued to look at each lone female figure walking on cobblestones. Carriages had to swerve out of his path, with drivers shouting curses at him. He was reckless, and he did not care. All he could think of was finding her as soon as possible.
Please do not leave me.
The night before, he had said the exact opposite, and she might have taken him at his word.
It was his pride that had gotten him into trouble in the first place.
He saw it clearly now. He loved her, and he had been too much of a coward to say it.
If she would only give him one more chance, he would never again shut her out or keep her in the dark.
Where have you gone, Madeline?
The Duke navigated every street, quiet or noisy. With each failure, his throat closed in on him as his panic rose higher.
Kenneth had been a man of control ever since he was a child. Right now, he was powerless. The only thing that kept him going was that he could not afford to return to Huntington without her by his side. It would be like being sentenced to the gallows.
As hope dwindled like shifting fog, he caught sight of a thick, purple coat and dark tresses.
His breath caught. He pulled harder on his reins, Dominion letting out a neigh of complaint.
His hooves skittered and balanced over wet cobblestones.
Throwing all caution to the wind, he swung his leg over the saddle even as his stallion continued his rampage.
His body dropped heavily on the pavement, the dismount shaking his joints.
“Madeline!”
Madeline startled at the sound of her name. She spun around, her eyes wide with apprehension, which quickly became shock.
Kenneth could only imagine what she was seeing at that moment.
He must look completely discomposed with his dark hair unruly from the wild ride and the breeze.
Strands stuck to his forehead, and his shirt had been torn open, exposing his throat.
Mud splattered over his coat and trousers, proof of his punishing pace and total disregard for the paths he had taken.
“Kenneth?” she called out, stepping back from him. “What are you doing? Why are you—”
She was not able to finish the sentence because Kenneth had already closed the distance between them. His large hands grasped her shoulders, trying not to squeeze her too hard lest he frighten her even more. Yet, his body was still trembling from the chill and the fear that he had lost her.
“I did not do it,” he rasped, his voice cracking. His throat felt raw from the effort. “Madeline, please look at me. Listen. I did not do it. I never touched her, nor did I attempt to seduce her. I swear it to you on my life!”
“Kenneth, please keep your voice down. People are staring at us!”
“I do not care!” he cried. He knew that he did not.
He leaned closer, watching every movement in her face for clues.
Would she go home with him? “Two years ago, Roberta threw herself at me. It was exactly as I told everybody last night. She appeared naked in my private rooms. She offered herself, but I did not desire her, and I would never betray my brother even if I did. I had to send her away to protect Malcolm and the children. It was not to silence her for my sake!”
Madeline stared at him, and he could feel the intensity of her observation. With it, the bustling London street faded. She reached up for his cheek, her small hands caressing the stubble over his skin.
“You do not have to say all that, Kenneth,” Madeline murmured. “You know I believe you. I believed you last night, too. I never thought for even a moment that you could be capable of such a thing.”
Kenneth let out a shuddering gasp of relief. His head dropped, letting his forehead touch hers. His shoulders sagged as tension left him.
“If you believe me, then why did you leave?”
He still sounded tentative even to his ears.
“I needed some time to think. About us. About what this marriage is.” Madeline drew back enough to look at him, and Kenneth all but held his breath.
“And I am not certain I can spend my life with a man who keeps so much of himself from me. His heart. His past. Even his pain. I have given you everything, Kenneth, and in return you have given me a locked door.”
“Madeline, I am sorry. I never meant to hurt you.”
“I know you did not. But look at what it took for you to tell me the truth.” Her voice was gentle, which somehow made it worse.
“If Roberta had not come and forced your hand, none of us would ever have known. You would have carried this secret to the end of our marriage and let me believe there was nothing wrong. And even after everything we have shared, your first instinct last night was still to send me away rather than let me see you suffer.”
Kenneth flinched. She was right, and he could not deny it.
“I know,” he said quietly. “And I cannot promise you that I will do everything right from now on. I have spent my whole life learning to hide, and I do not know how to unlearn it overnight. But I can promise you this. I will never again keep you in the dark. If you will have me, you will have all of me, even the parts I am ashamed of.”
He drew a breath, and the words he had buried for two years finally came.
“Malcolm was right,” he admitted, a bitter smile forming on his lips.
He could feel every bit of the self-loathing within him.
“He was right that I show no feelings. It was my way of surviving. When we were boys, we suffered under our own father. Every time I showed any emotion, crying, fear, or even speaking out of turn, he would punish Malcolm. It was his way of teaching me a lesson. He would cane Malcolm or lock him in some dark room. My father would never touch his own heir. So he let Malcolm pay for my weaknesses. For my mistakes.”
Madeline gasped softly, her hand flying to cover her mouth. Kenneth wondered if he was further pushing her away from him, but he kept going.
“So, I stopped showing my emotions. I became a statue for my father, a man he believed could handle anything. It was my way of keeping Malcolm safe. And when that thing with Roberta happened... The idea of telling him made me think that it would destroy him more. I thought I was protecting him, but I was wrong.”
Kenneth caught Madeline’s eyes then. He wanted to see how she felt about him now that his past was out in the open. She seemed to gauge the depth of his emotions, her brows furrowed and her eyes glassy with unshed tears.
“But now...” Kenneth began. “Now I know I have been a fool, Madeline.”
Then, he dropped to his knees right there in the open where anyone could see him. It did not matter that the cobblestones were wet and hard. He just knew he should act with humility. She was worth it. He reached for the hem of her long wool coat, as if that was all he deserved to touch.
“I realize that I have succeeded in destroying what we have, but I need to say this.” His shoulders shook violently as he tried to rein in his emotions.
“I love you, Madeline. I love you with an intensity that frightens me. I am but a broken man, but please do not leave me. I will not be able to survive a life without you.”
Madeline’s face crumpled as tears streamed down her cheeks.
She looked down at him, possibly torn about what to do.
Kenneth could not blame her. People passed by, slowing their pace to gasp and whisper about them.
It was a scandal. They might be married, but society’s ridiculous laws expected a man of his stature to maintain decorum and restraint. He no longer cared.
“Kenneth, please,” Madeline begged, even as tears continued to flow. “You do not have to kneel for me to stay. People will talk!”
“Let them talk!” Kenneth roared, even as he rose from his kneeling position.
He reached out to cradle her face with his large hands.
His gaze was unyielding and unapologetic.
“Let all of London gossip about us until their tongues fall out. I will not be enslaved by my father’s rules and theirs anymore.
All I know is that I love you, and I do not care who hears me say it. ”
To his surprise, a low chuckle escaped Madeline’s throat. Her cheeks were pink from the cold, and no longer from humiliation. Her shoulders had relaxed, and her eyes softened their gaze.
“Such a stubborn man,” she murmured, her hand coming to rest against his chest. “I love you too. I have loved you for longer than I care to admit. I only feared you could never love me back, that all you would ever give me was your name and your bed and nothing of your heart.”
“That is not true. It was never true.” He caught her hand and pressed it harder over his racing heart. “It was always yours. I was simply too much of a coward to tell you.”
She smiled then and placed a finger against his lips. “And I should tell you, before you ride down half of London again, I was never leaving you. I only went out for a walk to clear my head.”
Relief coursed through Kenneth, and he could no longer wait. He captured her mouth with his. It did not matter that they were on the streets of London, with members of the gentry gawking at them.
There was a raw tenderness in his kisses, with his lips revealing a more honest declaration of love. He pulled her against his chest, wrapping her waist with his strong arms.
Let everyone see our love.
The walls finally crumbled down, and as they did, it was with total annihilation.
“Shall we go home?” he whispered, as they finally pulled away from the kiss.
“I would love that,” she replied.