Chapter 15
SHE NEEDS GUARDING AGAINST
LUKE
Nia sleeps and it’s a relief.
I can’t bear many more of the moments when she’s awake, not when they’re as bad as they have been for the past few days.
It’s been a week and she’s not getting much better.
She isn’t getting any worse and Malcolm thinks that’s a sign we’re beginning to win.
He hopes she’s about to turn the corner and then we’ll have another kind of clusterfuck to deal with.
More than one.
I pull her against me and hold her tight, for myself as much as for her. I need her warmth and the softness of her skin. I need her smell, even if it is tinged with the disgusting smell that’s seeping from her pores.
The girl is sweating out the poison and it’s vile. She’s pissing it out too and I’ve lost count of the number of times the sheets have been changed. This mattress is being incinerated at the first chance I get and I’ve made damn sure we have more to replace it. As many more as we need.
Nia’s going to struggle in the weeks that lie ahead.
Malcolm’s given me more than one warning and I’m not na?ve enough to believe she’s going to recover as soon as the poison clears her body.
The girl is going to have to deal with everything her father did while she’s regaining her strength.
Goddess only knows what’s going to happen with her wolf.
It’s going to be dangerous.
Nia’s wolf will be angry and while that’s understandable, I can’t let her lash out near my pack. I can’t take the risk that her wolf will turn feral, attacking anything that moves like a rabid dog.
And we’ve got no idea what state her wolf will be in either.
She told Cole that she’s never been able to control her shifts and if that’s true then her wolf might not be developed.
It’ll still be a juvenile, at least mentally.
I’ve got no idea if Nia’s ever shifted of her accord and if she hasn’t then it’s going to hurt like hell for the first few times.
More than that if we’re unlucky and knowing my luck, we will be.
I nuzzle against her and hope my warmth gives her some relief. Her sleeps seem less fraught but I wonder if I’m imagining it. The girl nestled in my arms stirs for a moment and my heart skips a beat, settling back down again after she fidgets and finally relaxes.
“She’s doing better today,” Malcolm says, leaning forward in the armchair. “Nia’s going to make it, Alpha.”
My core stiffens as my shoulders rise protectively over the girl I told myself I loathe.
“You made the right choice, Luke.”
“I made an awful choice, Malcolm.” More than one.
He nods. “It saved her life.”
“Try telling her that.”
Nia’s not going to forgive me in a hurry. She’s made her feelings about the tube running from her nose into her stomach quite clear. I don’t like it any more than she does and I stare at the bag of food slowly dripping into her, counting the drops until we can stop this dreadful process.
It was the rational decision to make. Nia needed calories and she wasn’t eating them.
She would have died if we hadn’t forced this tube on her, but that doesn’t make it any easier.
It’s an offense against everything she is and I hate myself for resorting to it.
I hate that I made the decision so quickly, certain she needed to stay alive. For herself. For the pack. For me.
The harsh, uncomfortable truth I’ve spent days trying to ignore is that I made the decision because I couldn’t bear to let her go.
It was easy to make but hard to watch and I abandoned her when Malcolm first fed her, disgusted with what I’d done to her.
It’s an assault and an affront to her and I’ve never hated myself more, disgusted by the disgraceful and depraved thing we were doing to her to keep her alive.
And I knew she wasn’t going to eat.
I knew it in the marrow of my bones and the darkest recesses of my soul. The truth sounded in every heartbeat and every blink of the eye, and in all the silences in between. I knew it in every fiber in every muscle, in every string of my heart, and every hair on my head.
I knew it in the way a mate knows.
I don’t like it but I’m not struggling to accept it, feeling more connected to Nia than I thought was possible.
My body molds to her and my mood changes with her.
I breathe for her; I dream for her. My every waking moment is consumed by her and going through this with her has been a kind of agony I never want to endure again.
She’s faced one version of hell, and I’ve faced another.
The girl curled up in my arms fidgets again and I glare at Malcolm as he dares to move closer, intruding on us.
Goddess, there’s an us.
I didn’t ever want there to be and I railed against the idea of it, but here we are and the bigger part of me has accepted her.
Lawson wants to meet her wolf, and I’m keen to know her too.
I want us to find each other in the way mates should.
I want us to merge and I want her to accept me quickly, certain she’ll then bond with Lawson when she feels ready.
My pack has started to accept her too, and they haven’t even met her.
I’ve heard the women whispering in the bond, worrying she’s in pain and wondering if she’s going to make it.
We’ve had gifts left at the door and some have even dared to wait and ask how she’s doing, leaving Cole at a loss as to what to say to them.
“You’ll find a way to make her understand what happened, Luke.”
Malcolm interrupts my thoughts and my eyes narrow as I fix my gaze on him. He leans back and raises his palms, signaling he isn’t a threat.
“Which bit of it, Malcolm?”
He shifts his weight and holds eye contact.
“The bit where we explain that her father’s been poisoning her for years?
Or that her pack helped him?” I swallow and the heat of my anger rises through my chest, threatening to set the world on fire for the girl I was convinced I hated.
“Or the bit where I held her down repeatedly, forced a tube down her throat, and tied her to the fucking bed so she couldn’t pull it out? ”
“It was necessary…”
“Somehow, I don’t think Nia’s going to accept that the ends justify the means.”
I shudder and the wave of shame washing over me is a tsunami that sickens me. I’m appalled by my actions. All of them. Every fucking one since she arrived here.
I’ve misjudged her and treated her so fucking badly that I don’t know how to ask for forgiveness. I certainly don’t deserve it. Not from her. Not after everything she’s been through. I’ve been utterly selfish, completely unreasonable, and irretrievably, unquestionably wrong.
It’s fucking uncomfortable.
And it fucking ought to be.
I can’t scrub the stains on my soul away, and every time I shower I scour my skin until it’s red raw. I’m dirty, in a way I can’t endure and yet I cannot get myself clean. There’s no way to wash away the filthy things I’ve done and the self-loathing is repulsive, sickening every fucking part of me.
“I’ll run you a bath.”
Malcolm heads into the bathroom and I stare at the disarray in Nia’s room. All the little things I was told would make this room nicer for her are swallowed by the fucking medical kit and mess that make this seem more like a fucking hospital than a home.
I grind my teeth and promise that I’ll have this fixed for her.
It’s the least I can do for the girl who’s sleeping peacefully in my arms, especially after everything she’s been through.
A few minutes later Malcolm returns, untying the shackles that keep Nia’s hands above her head and then binding them together. He was adamant they’d be kinder than rope and we changed them at the first opportunity, using silver wrapped in leather to hold her securely.
I hated tying her to the bed.
I loved it too.
Part of me wants to make damn sure we repeat this and it noted just how hot Nia is when she’s tied up and helpless. Her skin seems so fucking pure against the wickedness of the cuffs and her petite frame makes her more vulnerable. More defenseless and exposed. So vulnerable it almost blew my mind.
My cock twitches even thinking about it and I shudder, disgusted that I’m aroused. It’s not the first time this has happened since I’ve been this close to Nia and her proximity is becoming a problem.
“I’ll let you carry her through,” Malcolm says, assuming my growl is a mate being possessive and protective. “You’ll find everything you need in there and I’ll get some help cleaning this place up, Alpha. She’ll wake up soon and I imagine you’d like it to be nicer for her.”
I nod and he steps back, wheeling the stand on which the feed is hanging as we walk into the bathroom. He bows his head and leaves, backing away as he retreats, watching me.
Malcolm’s making it damn clear that I’ll be answering to him if anything happens to Nia, and usually, I’d lash out at him for his insubordination. But not today. Not when he’s protecting her.
“Luke, she’ll take time to recover from the wolfsbane. You and Nia might take a few years to conceive. You’ll have to be patient. Don’t make this worse for her.”
Fuck, I want to breed the girl.
But I refuse to make this another one of her problems to deal with.
If it takes time then it takes time, and we’re not short of it.
It might be harder than I’d like, but I can live with more practice until her body recovers, and her pussy will learn to take my cock until she’s ready to give me pups.
The door shuts and I strip before tearing through Nia’s clothes in seconds. I’m fast but gentle, making sure she doesn’t wake. She’s still exhausted and I’ve bathed her every night of this ordeal, and I’ll keep bathing her until she’s strong enough to do it herself.
The thought of anyone else touching her sends a pulse of jealousy through me, and the idea that someone else could see her curves makes me irrationally possessive. My eyes glance down and I take her in, admiring the lines of her body despite the bones that stick out when there ought to be curves.
I pull Nia against me as I lift her off the ground, stepping into the bath and easing her into the water. She leans against my chest, nuzzling into my muscles as the warm water soothes her tired muscles.
She’s so fragile and so damn strong.
Lesser wolves would have given up by now, but the tiny, malnourished creature in my arms has found it in her to keep on fighting. Goddess, I was a fool to think she was weak.
Physically she’s puny, but mentally she’s practically unbreakable.
I can help her regain her strength, if she’ll let me help her recover.
I can be strong for both of us, if she’ll let me be.
I can make this work, if she doesn’t fight.
The thought of Nia fighting against our bond turns my stomach sick and Lawson doesn’t like it.
He’s been unusually quiet when he hasn’t been skulking around with his tail between his legs, occasionally emerging from his sulk.
He’s thoroughly dejected, and the only time he isn’t miserable is when he’s being thoroughly possessive over our mate.
“She’ll make it, Luke. We’ll make her understand what’s happened. She’ll see reason. Her wolf too.”
I grab the sponge and start to wash Nia, scrubbing her body with the reverence it deserves.
Her arms stretch over my shoulder and I sigh as she stretches out a little, pressing into me as I clean her skin.
I’m slow and careful, gentle too. Especially with her hair, making damn sure I get all the mess out and unpick every single knot.
Nia deserves all this attention and more, and I lavish it on her, even though she’s asleep.
Maybe because she’s asleep.
I want her to know she’s protected.
I want her to know she’s safe.
I want her to know she’s adored and worshipped like the marvel that she is.
She exhales and my chest rises, flooded with pride because Nia likes this.
I’m like a puppy and I don’t give a single shit.
Not right now. Maybe I’ll feel differently when I’ve recovered from this madness and I figure out how I feel about everything else that’s happened between us.
But here, in this bath, I’m wallowing in the satisfaction of pleasing my mate and no one is taking it from me.
My girl moans. It’s more of a mew than a moan and my whole damn body puffs up, delighted with itself.
I’ve taken pleasure from girls before and enjoyed pleasing them. But this is different. This is special. This is so utterly intoxicating and overwhelming that I don’t know if I’ll survive it. I definitely won’t survive being without it.
Nia moves and I freeze. Her legs push and it’s the first time she’s tried to adjust herself in the bath. I stay still as her body moves up mine and a moan rolls off my chest as she tucks her head against my neck.
“I’ve got you, Nia.”
She hums a response and my cock hardens in an instant.
The throaty, gravelly noise coming from my mate sends a pulse of arousal through me and I’m turned on.
My hands slide to her waist and force myself to stop, refusing to commit another assault on someone who’s endured more than anyone should ever have to.
Nia mumbles another moan and her lips move against my neck. I rasp and they move again, and I’m so unbelievably, irrevocably fucked. The girl who’s barely half my size and is fast asleep has overpowered me without trying, and I’m putty in her hands.
I stay stationary when Nia pulls back and she lifts her arms, throwing them over my head. It’s far from smooth and her arms catch my face, but it’s adorable and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Especially not when she settles herself back on me and her breasts rub against my chest.
Nor when her head finds the curve between my shoulder and my neck.
And absolutely not when she tips her hips and moves her legs, dropping her knees either side of my thigh and sinking onto my lap.
Fucking hell, my cock is in agony.
I’m so dangerously close to losing control and lifting her onto it.
I know I could. My instincts tell me I should.
They’re screaming at me to fuck the girl who’s practically begging for it and claim her as my mate.
They’re begging me to breed her and I’m desperate for her to be carrying my child.
Fucking hell, the thought of it is driving me wild and it would be so easy. It’s so goddamn tempting.
And I sit in the bath, my hands welded to the waist of the girl I want to protect more than anything else, terrified that the person she needs guarding against is me.