Chapter 44 Who and What I Am
WHO AND WHAT I AM
LUKE
Lyall’s fur presses against me and she sighs, content for now. Nia’s wolf has been lying next to mine for hours, both lounging in front of the open fire. Lyall’s delighted she’s this close to her mate and Lawson hasn’t put a foot wrong.
He’s been attentive.
He fetched anything Lyall wanted and several things she didn’t.
He groomed her until her coat was spotless and showered her with affection.
Nia and Lyall are more comfortable and they’re learning to listen to each other. They frequently have conversations with each other and their bond is deepening, blurring the lines between instinct and intention. The speed at which they’re learning would be unnerving if I were a lesser wolf.
Warmth spreads through my chest, and it isn’t from the heat of the fire.
Lyall nuzzles closer and I’m so damn proud of her and Nia, and of what I’m helping them become.
Lawson too, although his satisfaction is darker.
My wolf delights in his mate’s fierceness and his gaze is almost predatory, a vicious and insatiable hunger.
“Is Lawson getting tetchy?” Nia asks.
I laugh and my wolf pricks up his ears. “Ask him yourself, pretty girl.”
Nia’s still tentative around Lawson, and they haven’t bonded in the way I’d expected them to by now. I’m struggling to understand why. She’s accepted her nature and mine, trusting our connection. But she won’t reach for Lawson and she makes sure I’m around to protect her.
“It’s not hard, pretty boy,” Lyall sighs, lifting her head off Lawson’s back. “Lawson is darker. He’s more menacing. She’s not sure how far he’ll go, not after he marked her.”
Lawson lets out a growl, but there isn’t a hint of threat in it.
“It’s going to take time,” Lyall adds, “and moments like this. More nights sleeping with him instead of you, Luke. Give her more time with Lawson and their bond will strengthen.”
Lyall’s right.
I’ve spent much more time with Nia than Lawson, repairing the damage I caused when I first took her.
She needed her mate to keep her alive as the poison washed out and in the weeks that followed it was me who cared for her.
It was me who protected her. It was me she learned to trust and forgive, and she isn’t ready to take that step with Lawson.
She will be, but she needs time.
It’s time for me to trust my wolf, just as I’m asking Nia to.
“Good boy,” Lyall praises.
Fuck me, my insides flip. I’m not submissive but I love the praise and I want more of it from my mate.
My girl has me wrapped around her little finger and it’s disgustingly nice.
She’s the center of my universe, the gravity that keeps me grounded and the constant that I crave.
Her rules might be chaotic but they’re the calm in a world that makes no sense without her.
I never planned to let anyone this close, but now, I can’t imagine wanting anything else. She’s rewritten the laws that govern my existence and I am hers. Only hers. Always hers.
And now it’s time for Lawson to experience her.
It’s time for us to start coming together, in the way we were meant to.
I’ve got to give a bit of Nia up to get something much, much better back in return.
It’s time for me to slip into the background and let her step into the space I leave behind.
It’s the moment I didn’t know I was dreading, but it’s inescapable now it’s here.
Nia’s made every leap of faith I asked of her, and this one’s on me. It’s my time to let go and surrender control. It’s holding me back and the only way to fix this is to face it, and I close my eyes and pray it’ll all be okay.
I wrestle control from Lawson and my wolf doesn’t protest. He’s caught off guard, surprised when moments ago my only thoughts were of easing away. Lawson starts to growl as our bones start to snap and I catch Lyall laughing, already aware of what I’m doing.
My shift is quick and painless, a rapid transition from one form to another. I pull back and watch Lyall change into Nia, noticing how her transformation isn’t quite as smooth. It’s jagged with a few missteps along the way, almost as if Nia is fighting against her wolf.
She ends up lying face down, her long and ashen hair covering her back. My fingers beg to touch her mark and I hold myself back, determined not to fall into this trap. It’s too easy to surrender to temptation and I wouldn’t be able to do what I need to.
And I’ve got to do this. For Lawson. For Nia. And for myself.
My wolf claws and rages at me and I try to soothe him. But Lawson’s too riled by the abrupt change that lost him his time with Lyall, and he’s refusing to calm down.
“I want my mate.”
I sigh. “You can have her, Lawson. Just remember, she’s mine. Don’t fuck this up.”
My eyes close and I fade away, retreating to the darkness inside me that I find so comforting. Lawson freezes and then races forward, taking back the control I wrestled from him moments ago. He’s frantic and frenzied, excited now he’s spending time with Nia.
“Easy, Lawson. Teach her to trust you. Teach her you’re safe. Let her come to you.”
“You could have warned me this was your plan.”
My eyes snap open but they’re Lawson’s to control. He’s alert and I’m just watching, a passenger inside my own body. My body is his and now my wolf’s in charge I’m nervous, worried he won’t contain his excitement and will make a mistake that costs us dearly.
“Trust me.”
Lawson moves towards Nia and my hand touches hers. Except it’s his hand now, and I watch their fingers lace together. Lawson’s heart leaps, delighted he gets this simple pleasure. He’s craved this and I exhale, certain he’s controlled enough not to charge in like a dog in heat.
“Luke,” Nia sighs, rolling over.
Her eyes widen as they meet his. “Lawson, sweetheart.”
“I thought…”
Her lips quiver and I don’t like it. Lawson doesn’t either and it’s a sign of how far they have to go.
“I’m still the same, Nia. Luke’s still here.” Lawson’s fingers grip hers and she holds them back. “But we need to get to know each other too.”
Nia nods and I pray Lawson doesn’t fuck this up.
He’s not one to go slow and Nia might not be ready.
She might not want this and he’s got to listen to her.
He slides in and their bodies connect. Nia’s still soft and warm, still silky smooth.
She still smells the same, like the sun of summer in the meadows and the warmth of baked apples.
Goddess, she’s divine and it’ll be a miracle if I make it through this.
Nia’s skin sends goosebumps hurtling in all directions as Lawson’s eyes follow his finger, the trail leading slowly up her arm and body.
“This isn’t getting to know me,” Nia says.
Lawson smiles. “Of course it is, sweetheart. I’m spending time with you, doing something we enjoy.”
Her nose crinkles and she tries to pull back. Lawson holds her and she doesn’t push him off, but Nia isn’t thrilled. Her thoughts are confused and she’s reaching for me, and as much as I want to help her through this, I can’t.
She has to do this with Lawson. More importantly, Lawson has to do this with her.
“I won’t hurt you, Nia.”
Her jaw tightens. Shit.
“I adore you.”
Her eyes widen a little. Goddess only knows if that’s a good sign.
“You can have anything you want, Nia,” Lawson says, pleading with his dark, seductive tone. “Just talk to me.”
Nia’s blue-grey eyes darken and this isn’t going the way I’d hoped. Lawson wanted something else too, and he’s trying not to show how much Nia’s hurting him. My wolf isn’t sure what to do and he leans in closer, trying to bring Nia nearer to him.
“I’m not ready,” she says, and her little foot would stamp if she were standing. “I’m not ready after you marked me.”
“Nia, I marked you because we needed it. Lyall needed it. Luke and I needed it. I assumed you were ready because your wolf was and I didn’t realize it was going to be this much of a problem.”
“Well it is,” she snaps.
“Well it can’t be undone,” he says.
I swallow, certain this isn’t how to apologize.
“I can’t take it back and I won’t pretend I’m entirely sorry.
I adore you, Nia. I worship you and Lyall.
I need you in a way I didn’t think was possible and I cannot be without you.
Either of you. I crave you and I hunger for you, and you’re all I ever think about.
” Lawson stops and Nia blinks, her chest heaving far too hard for my liking.
“And you’re all I ever will think about, sweetheart.
I’m a territorial, possessive asshole and I will not stop.
Not now, not ever. I’ll protect you and cherish you, I love you and I’ll own you.
I’ll do anything and everything you ask of me, but I will not apologize for who or what I am—just as I will never ask you to apologize for who or what you are. ”
She nods.
Fucking hell, she nods.
The world pivots and I don’t know if she’s okay with it.
“I love you, Nia. Unconditionally. Unreservedly. Unashamedly. For all you are and ever will be. In all the darkness and the light. On all your bad days, in all your worst moments. You are mine, sweetheart, and I love all of you. Even the parts of yourself that you refuse to love yourself.”
Her lips form that small ellipse again and Lawson smiles. He moves forward and I close my eyes, hoping there won’t be a short, sharp slap across his face. Nia would be well within her rights and Lawson’s pushing it. He’s really pushing it.
His gamble pays off.
Nia moans softly, moving her lips against his as she lets Lawson kiss her. She’s hesitant but he’s careful, easing her into this rather than rushing. It’s a meeting of two souls who’ve hurt each other and the dance they do grows increasingly sure as they find their feet and their rhythm.