Chapter 15
The students walking through the door all seem to carry the smells of the cold November day outside. It’s in hushed voices that we keep cross-examining each other from our seats behind the Service Desk, although I do have to keep reminding Alaric that we’re at my place of work, which also happens to be a Library.
It’s a favor I’m grateful for — that they’re choosing to study with me while I’m working. I’m particularly grateful because these days, I’m just too tired from juggling so many things at the same time. Between regular and special classes, studying for all the mid-term exams and struggling with my shifting, I barely have any time to spare to get a good night’s sleep, let alone do anything else.
“What are the phases of the moon that make a shifter most lethargic?” Raven recites, the last word turning into a soft yawn. I guess I’m not the only one who’s tired.
I catch Alaric looking at her with this warm intensity that brings a smile to my face. He hasn’t been bothering much with the right answers, more with getting Raven to laugh, that is, smile at his jokes.
I look up at the ceiling, trying to come up with the answer. “Crescent,” I say hesitantly, and I look down to see what kind of look Raven will give me.
She presses her lips tight, which in this case doesn’t seem to be a smile, but a grimace telling me I got it wrong. Damn it. The Foundational exam is tomorrow.
I let out a soft groan. “Alright, I’ll remember next time. Hit me with another one.”
“What are the five characteristics of a mate bond?” she recites from the workbook.
“Trick question,” I say with confidence. “There are no universal characteristics apart from just… knowing. It doesn’t even necessarily go both ways. Though there is the fact of the other person’s scent being irresistible.”
When she gives me a look telling me I got it right, I ask for another one.
“How does an unsuccessful shift affect the body?” she recites from the workbook.
Goddamn it, why is this so hard to remember?
I know the answer though. It’s because I’ve never experienced it.
While I’m trying to remember, I fix my eyes ahead, at the students going through the main Library door.
It’s then that I spot Bane, entering with one of the vampire professors, chatting and going straight for the reading area. He doesn’t look in our direction and I just keep following him with my eyes, my eyebrows pulling down.
It suited me a lot better, that first month or so when you couldn’t see him come near the Library, let alone get inside. Now he’s a regular, coming at least a couple of times a week, either alone on his calls or in company of some professor or other, but whenever he comes, there comes a point when I have to go over to tell him to keep his voice down.
Even now, watching the two of them stop walking so the vampire professor can grab a few books, I can already tell I’ll have to intervene, because their chatter is growing louder by the second.
“Anna?” Raven’s voice snaps me out of it.
“Yeah?” I ask as I turn to look at her, feeling as if I’ve been caught doing something I shouldn’t be doing.
“How does an unsuccessful shift affect the body?” she repeats the question.
“Ah yes,” I say. But nothing comes to mind.
“It’s—”
“No, please,” I cut her off. “Let me just think for a second longer.”
Then my eyes get drawn in Bane’s direction again, and I see him still standing there, chatting with the other professor, but now he’s casually leaned against the side of the bookshelf with his arms folded, and it all makes me unable to tear my eyes away — the confidence in the way he holds himself, the way his shirt sleeves are rolled up to reveal his muscled forearms.
“I think you’re beat, Anna,” I hear Alaric say. My eyes snap to him. “And you’re the only one who really wants to study.” He lets out a little sigh and starts packing his stuff up. “I think we should get going, don’t you, Raven?”
“Sorry, you two,” I say as they both get up.
“Don’t worry about it, Anna,” Raven replies. “Get some rest.”
“It’s the middle of the day,” I protest with a laugh. “And besides, there’ll be no rest for me until tomorrow.”
“Bloody hell,” Alaric says with a roll of his eyes, “you’re failing the shifting exam, how is it that you’re not seeing that?”
I raise my eyebrows at him.
“Alaric,” Raven warns him.
He shrugs, but he is a little sorry when he grumbles, “What? I mean, what’s the point in denying the truth? The sooner she makes peace with it, the better. I’m only trying to be a good friend.”
“Thanks for your undying support, friend,” I tell him in a playfully scolding voice.
The two of us laugh and Raven seems confused, but Alaric just nudges her to follow him.
I watch them leave, then throw a glance in the direction of Bane and his professor friend.
I don’t find them there. I turn my focus back onto the pile of books in front of me, half-expecting to hear his voice drift over to me.
Minutes go by and nothing happens, and I find myself all alone with my thoughts of tomorrow. The dreaded midterm exam, for which I’ve been preparing by going to the gym every single day.
Despite the weight I carry in my hips and on my stomach, I could always hold my own in physical activities. With these training sessions, I can notice my body becoming more toned, but it doesn’t make me feel any better, just thinking about the possibility of embarrassing myself in front of Professor Ahearn and the rest of the Shapeshifting Studies class.
I keep trying to read to at least pass the Foundational exam, but it’s so warm and quiet here in the Library and soon I start feeling my eyelids drop, my mind filling with images of animals attacking me, people laughing at me, and a hot asshole with his sleeves rolled up looking at me with eyes that are like burning flames.
***
I wake up to the sound of someone loudly clearing their throat. Damn it, I think as I rush to peel my face off the Service Desk, pushing myself up with the palms of my hands.
Can’t believe I fell asleep while working.
As soon as I look up, I see it was Bane who I heard clearing his throat. He’s looking at me intently, a book in the hand he has on the desk before me.
“Morning, Sleeping Beauty,” he purrs flatly but mockingly, making me become painfully aware of my messed-up hair. “Do you think you could help me find the Librarian?”
Eager to get the embarrassment over with, I don’t wait for him to give me the book. I take it from his hand, pull it through the system and give it back. “There you go,” I say, my voice rough with sleep.
He just keeps standing there, looking at me. “You do understand you have a class with me in fifteen minutes?”
Damn it. My eyes dart to the clock to make sure he’s not messing with me.
Collecting myself, I turn my eyes back onto him, forcing a relaxed tone of voice when I say, “Of course.” Then I smile. “Looking forward to it.”
I watch his eyes narrow, but he just gives me a nod, turns on his heel and saunters out of the Library.
As soon as he’s out the door, I start scrambling to get ready for class.
I manage to dart into B13 just before the clock strikes three. Somehow, despite still being disoriented from my afternoon nap, I’m carrying a paper cup filled to the brim with steaming hot, delicious coffee.
I get settled in and take a second to smell the coffee before I taste it, but it’s at that very moment that Bane walks in.
“Hello again, Novak,” he says as he closes the door behind him.
That’s how he’s been addressing me ever since he told me I was a lost cause. Novak. It’s with no words, just something between a nod and a shake of my head, that I acknowledge him.
Settling in behind his desk, he throws me a look, one eyebrow quirked. “So grumpy.”
“Not a morning person.”
“Then maybe you shouldn’t have made three o’clock in the afternoon your morning.”
I don”t say anything. I just throw him a smile, get the books out of my tote and finally take that first sip of coffee.
Within a matter of seconds, it’s special class as usual these days — mostly ignoring each other, me catching up on my homework while my ‘professor’ takes business calls and types away on his phone.
While it doesn’t exactly suit me — the fact that I’m getting no closer to being able to shift, Serra tells me I’ll be able to request a different professor no later than the start of the second term. In the meantime, this no-actual-communicating-with-the-asshole part is working out for me quite nicely.
Except for today, it seems.
Today I find myself questioning the whole arrangement, mostly because the mid-term exam is in less than twenty four hours and here I am, wasting precious time instead of using it to train.
It doesn’t help that I only seem to be able to focus on Bane — his scent, his voice, this very particular, deft way in which he spins the pencil around his fingers…
Annoyed with myself, I let out a frustrated sigh, put my feet up on my desk and aggressively flip the page of my book, catching a glance from his direction.
It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve made myself comfortable like this and it’s not like we never even look at each other during these classes.
Today however, the glance instantly makes me excruciatingly aware of all my physical flaws all at once — my less-than-delicate arms, my persistent love handles, my thick thighs… It brings back unwanted memories of childhood playground cruelties. And even the later, non-playground ones.
It’s so uncomfortable that I can”t help but lower my feet to the floor and bury my nose in my book.
It doesn’t help, making myself small like that. Because the next thing I know, there’s the image of Professor Ahearn’s assistant Ingrid popping into my mind — the thin blonde I’ve seen Bane flirting with on more than one occasion.
It’s all deeply unsettling, mostly because I’ve worked very hard to get where I am when it comes to body image. It’s been literal years since the last time I caught myself obsessing over how I look and how much I weigh.
That’s right, I think as it hits me. It can’t be a coincidence, that it’s happening on the same day he mocked me by calling me Sleeping Beauty.
Well, we can’t have that, now can we? Especially since it would be letting him ruin one of my favorite stories.
I put my feet up again, determined not to let him affect me like this.
Just as I finally start shifting my focus onto my homework, I hear him say, “They did what?”
I don’t look away from the book, but my ears prick up. Normally, his business calls are all about numbers and there’s no emotion in his voice while he’s on them.
“If we’re not ‘targeting vulnerable individuals’,” he tells the person on the other side of the line, “what are we even doing?”
The words make me frown.
He lets out a scoff. “You’re naive if you think this kind of thing will get any closer to legislation than it has so far.”
I don’t know what the ‘thing’ is, but I hope it does.
There’s a moment of silence before he says, a touch of mockery in his voice, “No, I don’t want you to ‘ignore it’, Colin. I want you to prepare a reassuring little statement for the next shareholder meeting.”
With that, he ends the call. He throws me a glance, leans back in his chair and goes back to typing away on his phone.
Disgust twists my face. All of a sudden, I can’t bear the thought of spending another minute in here with this man, let alone having to come for these pointless classes for two more months.
Pressing my lips tight, I lower my feet to the floor and pin him with my stare, clearing my throat.
He stops typing. He doesn’t lift his head, but he does make eye contact. “Yes, Novak?”
“Can we finish early today?” I ask as I close my book shut.
He quirks an eyebrow at me. “What’s the rush?”
“There’s just something I need to do.”
“Have you learned to shift? Did I miss something?”
“No,” I admit, however begrudgingly.
“There’s your answer.” And he goes back to typing, a little more diligently this time.
For a second, I just stare at him.
Then I go back to trying to do my homework, counting the seconds until I can get the hell out.
***
The next day, I step into the gym where the midterm exam is to be held, determined to pass despite the fact that I’m nowhere near being able to compete with humans, let alone Originals. The space is as wide as an average classroom, but at least three times as long.
Almost right in front of the entrance, I find the line for the obstacle course taking up most of the space and I stop to wait for my turn, stealing glances at the students before me. They’re chatting as they’re waiting, most of them looking as casual as if it’s just another class they’re in for.
Well, it’s no wonder really. This is not something your average shifter will get her panties in a bunch over. It’s basic stuff, things you get over with before the second term, when real trouble starts.
I let out a sigh. I’m hoping I’ll be able to get in touch with my animal at least enough to make use of the sharpened senses. It may be enough for me to pass, who knows? But right now, all I can do is scold myself for not forcing myself to work out twice a day.
It startles me, when I hear Professor Ahearn’s voice boom from somewhere ahead. “Shall we get started.”
I lean to my left, seeing her sitting at the professors’ table placed along the wall halfway down the line of students waiting for the exam. It makes my eyebrows shoot up, when I see Bane sitting next to her, chatting up that assistant of hers.
I feel the animal inside me stir and my senses sharpen, making my lips curl into a smile.
But I don’t have time to be smug about it, because the exam is starting.
There will seem to be no pomp around it. I fix my eyes on the girl who shifts into a snake to climb up the obstacle wall, slithering left right to avoid the spikes shooting out.
Don’t think about it, I tell myself. Just believe you can do it.
The more I move in line, the more I hype myself up, using the fact that, if I fail today, I’m increasing my chances of having to do this all over again next year.
I ignore the fact that Professor Ahearn has given everyone a nod so far — meaning they’ve passed — and I especially ignore the sniggers coming from the other students when it’s finally my turn to give it a go.
As soon as I walk past Bane, doing my best not to pay him any attention, my animal disappears, and with it, all my sharpened senses.
“Hey,” I try to talk to her, “he is not what we should be focusing on.”
Of course, there’s no reply.
I walk up to the first obstacle — the wall with spikes shooting out. I guess I’ll have to try to pull this off without any benefits of being a shifter. I take a deep breath and I start climbing.
It sends me crashing to the ground, when the first spike shoots out.
I hear laughter coming from all around me.
I grit my teeth, I get up and I try again.
I find no other way not to get hurt besides getting down as soon as the wall attacks.
Fuck. The more I try, the more riotous the laughter around me grows.
Until I get this urge to look to my right, only to see this shifter casting magic to make the wall slippery.
I fall on my ass, closing my eyes shut and swallowing a cry as my pelvis explodes in pain.
No no no.
I sense everyone stop what they’re doing even before I fling my eyes open to see them all staring to my right.
I crane my neck to find Bane towering over the guy who cast magic at me.
It makes me forget all about my own aching pelvis, when I hear the strangled “I, um, I was only playing” coming from the guy’s mouth.
The next thing I know, Bane is lifting him off the floor by the collar of his shirt, making his legs flail and his hands dart to the single arm keeping him in the air.
The sight makes my breath catch. Somehow I manage to get myself off the floor without glancing away for a second, completely absorbed by how unfazed Bane looks, neither his face nor his body showing any signs of strain except the flexing muscles in his arm.
For one long moment, Bane just keeps staring at the guy, angling his head so as not to let him look away.
It makes me frown, when I notice the growing stain on the guy’s crotch. He’s wet his pants.
It’s only then that Bane drops him to the ground, lowers himself into a crouch and leans in a little to say, “We don’t prey on the weak.”
With that, he gets up, turns on his heel and walks back to his seat.
My frown only grows deeper when I see the ease with which he goes back to flirting with this confident smile on his face.
Now there are countless eyes on me. Including Professor Ahearn’s.
Bracing myself, I turn to look at her and see her give me a shake of her head, signaling that I’ve failed the exam.
It’s not the exam that is making me so angry. It’s the way everyone keeps looking at me as I walk out of the gym. ‘The weak’ echoes in my mind, making me pissed at Bane for intervening in the first place. If he didn’t, this would be so much easier to bear.
I’m so embarrassed, but at the same time, so determined not to let this happen to me ever again.
It’s before I reach my room that I decide. It’s rituals I’ll be trying out next. It’s with good reason that shifters normally don’t try them before they’ve shifted for the first time — the reason being the fact that it can be dangerous trying to channel the power of the constellations without having a stable bond with your animal.
I don’t care. I’ll be trying it regardless.