Chapter 30
It’s with a decadent murmur that I start stirring from sleep. I frown at the absence of sound. Then there’s a violent flutter of butterflies in my stomach when I remember it was in his arms that I fell asleep. But when I reach out my hand to feel for his body, I find nothing.
I fling my eyes open only to see I’m alone in my bed. My heart sinks. Did I imagine the whole thing?
Of course I didn’t. It’s unmistakable, his lingering scent in my bed.
It’s then that I spot the note on my nightstand. I push myself up and grab it.
“I’m letting you sleep in,” it says in his barely legible yet confident handwriting. “Text me when you wake up and we’ll talk training.”
For one long moment, I just look at the note. So formal. So matter of fact. So… Bane.
My breathing turns unsteady when it all comes rushing through the barriers, all the things I’ve spent the whole of yesterday trying to block.
At the meeting, while he was nonchalantly ignoring me, I was obsessing over possible reasons as to why he might be doing that while at the same time drooling over him.
After he cut the meeting short, I never even called him out on this — I was just too busy rushing out of the freezing cold of his indifference and into the comforting warmth of his attention.
Of course, this goes way way back, too. When he helped me with my first gift, it wasn’t him who initiated anything. I literally crawled on top of him while he was probably like, what the hell is this woman doing.
Every single thing that I remember makes my breathing that much shallower.
Still, nothing knocks the air out of my lungs as much, nothing burns as much, nothing rips me apart as much as that thing he said to me yesterday, the words now stuck on a loop inside my head.
Because it”s one thing to make me beg for it or even treat me like property during sex — that”s just having fun and going with the flow. But I mean…
“You need me, period.” Then, to make it worse, insist on it later.
Bitterness floods my mouth. There are some things you just do not say to a person unless the intent is to humiliate.
Swept up in a sudden, violent anger, I put my feet down, get off the bed and try to take the bracelet off. When I fail, I make a tiny whip slither out of my finger, I wrap it around the bracelet and snap it in half, watching it fall to the ground.
Then I stomp over to my closet, where I fling the door open to scowl at my reflection in the mirror with the words from the note now ringing in my head.
He wants me to text him when I wake up? The fucking arrogance.
I have no reason whatsoever to text him, simply because I don’t need either him or any of his controlling shit.
Last night, you had a revelation, I tell myself as I keep staring at my reflection. That’s all you’re allowed to think about right now. You’ll go for a little walk and you’ll try to find answers for the ritual.
Fuming but determined, I slam the closet door shut, pull on my shoes, grab my tote and storm out of my room.
***
I go for a grumpy walk around the castle grounds, ending up in the Entrance Hall. I’ve no idea what exactly I’m looking for, but I’m hoping that the sights or the smells or the sounds will set things in motion in my head.
Last night, it occurred to me, however vaguely, that I might not need anything except myself to figure this out. I’m the Aurora after all. As the Aurora, I should be able to know what it is that I’m looking for when I come across it. If nothing, by feeling.
I walk over to the statue of Zahra, figuring it might give me a hint as to the fae element. The first Pied Piper ever is standing peacefully by the wall, holding the carved Flute in her hand.
It doesn’t stir any particular feelings.
I do the same with the statue of Lilith, the smirk on her face exposing fangs as she holds the three symbols of her House in her palms — the candle, the spindle, the swirl of blood.
Nothing.
Then the statue of Bronwen the Great, his robe lined with the fur of his mighty bear.
Again, nothing.
Despite being alone in public, I let out a dragged-out groan.
Then my eyes get drawn to a shifter guy’s tattoos starting to glow just before he uses his magic to kick himself off the ground and fly up to the gallery.
And it hits me. Maybe I won’t need any items to do the ritual. Maybe I only need to visualize the magic, like I did when I was a kid.
Suddenly invigorated, I start marching back to my room.
***
I get settled in my bed, the book open on the bookmarked page in front of me. I close my eyes, trying to get in the right mindset, when my phone pings and the image of him flashes through my mind, getting me instantly fuming.
When I check my phone, I see it’s a message from Raven. “Hi Anna, are you coming to the mixer tonight?”
Disappointed and angry at the same time, I just type, “I’ve work to do. You two have fun.”
Then, just as I’ve lowered the phone, I remember how much she hates having to pick outfits for these things. “And I’d go for that forest green one if I were you, it’s just formal enough and looks gorgeous on you,” I add and put the phone down again.
I close my eyes again, focusing on visualizing the central symbol first with the intention of blocking its powers.
I don’t think you should be doing this, my wolf’s voice booms.
Frowning, I open my eyes. “Why?”
There’s a second of silence before she says, I don’t know, but you should stop.
My eyebrows shoot up. I’m even angrier now and it’s in a mocking voice that I echo her words. “You don’t know? Fine, yeah. I’ll stop trying to do the only thing I can right now, and I’ll stop because… Well, no reason, huh?”
Fine, have it your way.
Yeah, my way, I say, more to myself, as I try to get back into it.
I visualize the central symbol. Nothing happens.
Then I visualize the feeling of having an animal’s presence inside me.
My emotions get heightened.
I jump straight to visualizing the feeling of using Sight, or at least what I think it would feel like.
The image of him flashes through my mind again, making me so angry, I’m barely keeping myself sitting still.
I’m warning you, my wolf’s voice sounds again. Stop doing that or I’m cutting you off.
But now I’m fuming, and I’m starting to feel sick, too, so I snap at her, “You’re cutting me off?” I let out an angry scoff. “The goddamn audacity,” I say through gritted teeth. “To tell someone you”ll be cutting them off, you first need to give something that can be cut off.”
For a moment, there”s only charged silence. Then her voice booms again, so brimming with emotions, it makes my eyebrows shoot up. Give something? I gave you everything. In every lifetime we spent together, I gave you everything, and in every lifetime we spent together, you chose to disregard everything I ever tried to teach you because you”re just that holier-than-thou, aren”t you? Well, now you”ll truly be alone.
By the time she”s done, my jaw is dropping open and my body is frozen in shock.
Then I feel something sever inside me, something that was a part of my being in such a profound way, I didn”t even feel it, like you don”t feel your own heart until you focus on its beating.
And now… Now it”s no longer there.
For one long moment, I just keep sitting where I”m sitting.
I don’t care, I tell myself. I just keep pushing. I try to visualize the feeling of being as fast as a vampire.
It makes me sick to my stomach, so sick I have to lie back down.
For fuck’s sake, I curse as I stare at the ceiling, the room spinning slowly but nauseatingly around me.
Air, I need some air.
Struggling to push myself up, I get off the bed and open the window. It’s getting dark outside and I imagine students are already gathering in the Main Hall for the networking mixer they throw once the end of the school year starts drawing near.
The nausea clears and I breathe a sigh of relief.
I try to establish the connection with my wolf, to sense her. But there’s this absence that’s a little unsettling. My wolf’s not pleased with me and that’s not good. Not good at all.
Maybe I really need to blow off some steam and take a break from all of this Aurora crap. I guess the mixer could be fun. Raven and Alaric are going, there’ll be lots of alcohol and who knows. Sometimes they even get the music right.
Nah.
Then it hits me, that as a professor, Bane will probably be there as well.
My lips curl into a smile. I walk over to my closet and rummage for my high-heel boots, already busy creating a whole outfit in my head.
I don’t even want to think about the best course for the training sessions. But today, I’m not just letting myself see I don’t need that asshole.
I’m making it clear to the asshole as well.